Athena
"You're back."
Owen came back to the dorm later that night, the wind slowly growing more chilly than normal now that December is quickly rushing by soon. It was still the last week of November. I sat up from my study desk and stood up to greet him.
"Yeah, I am." he said tiredly as he went inside the room, his voice seemingly strained and coarse. I didn't know what to say him about it and instead, chose not to bring it up.
"Happy birthday." I said, forcing a smile on my face.
He turned his head slightly at me, his expression stone cold. It has been this way ever since that day.
"Thanks." he managed to say, slowly pivoting his chair towards his side of the room, removing his backpack from its handles. I stood there, watching him remove a small cupcake box from the inside of his bag and also, a familiar looking book. I raised my eyebrows at the sight of it and cleared my throat.
"Had fun with your parents?" I asked, walking toward his bed as I sat on his duvet and watched him organize his things.
From that time I saw that book, I instantly knew he lied to me.
He didn't meet his parents. He went somewhere else to meet either Marley or Calix. I was unsure since it had been a long time since I talked to Marley and a few days since I talked to Cal. Or maybe, he went out to see both.
There was hesitation in his movements. The occasional stops between arranging things on his bedside table and the random time checks on his phone.
"Yeah." he answered.
I nodded.
"Okay." I said.
I watched him ignore me, his back turned away from me as he carefully placed his new book in his small shelf near his own study table. After the book was in its new home, Owen continued finding ways to not start a conversation with me.
He was purposely doing things to keep him busy.
I now sat on his bed with my legs crossed against each other, and watched him rearrange his school papers and notes. I even watched him remove his shoes, unveiling his feet clad in green and silver striped socks as he put his sneakers right around the door. I watched him pretend to go around his table and write some sort of reminder on a post-it and saw him stick it on his wall. It simply read, 'Get coffee at 8am,' in his neat, block writing.
I sighed.
"Owen." I called.
"What?" he said, seemingly annoyed.
I was not the least bit surprised to receive that kind of feedback from him.
"Are you okay? Something seems to be bothering you. " I told him as he turned towards me, his expression stolid. His jaw was tense and I can see that his eyebrows were lowered and knit together. He stopped.
"You're avoiding me." I then followed, my voice almost to a hush.
I didn't want to yell at him and ask him why he lied to me. I'm not that kind of person. I don't want to let my immaturity get ahead of me this time. I was not even the high schooler I was when I met him, all annoying and rash when it comes to my actions.
Owen was tense and it was obvious that he didn't like the place I put him in. I straightened up in position to apologize for even telling him but he pushed his chair in my direction and stopped in front of me, his head hung low.
"To be honest, I'm not sure." he said shamefully.
He was bothered heavily by whatever's been bugging him. It pained me to see him this way, affected by some terror I may or may not be aware of.
"You can talk about it if you want. I won't judge." I said, giving him a forced reassuring smile.
Owen raised his head slightly and his handsome eyes have never looked so grim, so steady. His hair was even a total mess from the gusts of the wind outside. He hasn't fixed it.
"I don't think I'm ready." he told me in a voice close to a whisper. He kept shaking his head and I saw his hands quivering.
I quickly reached out for his hands and cupped them in mine, kissing them gently as I faced him, all tense and scared.
Owen had never been like this.
"It's okay. I just want what's best for you, alright? Take as much time as you want." I told him, as I kissed his shaky hands again.
"Athena." he said.
My ears perked at hearing my name being called by his voice. They dance whenever he calls me by my name.
"Yes?" I replied.
Owen was idle for a while before he looked up at me again, his face only a few inches away from mine. His expression was bleak as he stared at me for what seemed like forever.
"I don't think I can do this anymore." he said in a shaky voice, slowly removing my now-frozen hands away from his, placing my hands back on my lap.
I didn't think I heard it right.
"What?" I asked breathily, my heartbeat pacing and my head started to drown in so much thoughts, they all seemed to simultaneously stop once I replayed what he said over and over like a broken record.
I felt as if something inside my cracked. My chest felt tight and I couldn't breathe properly. I knew I was taught proper breathing techniques when I feel this way but today was different.
It was a different kind of crack caused by a different type of pain. I didn't want to endure it. I want time to stop. I want everything to stop.
"I'm sorry." he said, his voice sounding shakily unstable.
I felt as if my chest was being pressed and squeezed over and over again until I was juiced enough to be thrown in the trash. I was devastated. I felt as if something really did break inside of me, and I was starting to believe that it had something to do with my heart.
"Owen, no-" I pleaded, my vision starting to get blurry from the mass of wetness that started to stream down from my eyes. God, I can't breathe-
"It's inevitable. I hate it as much as you do." Owen said, seeming as if he had collected himself quite well but as I wiped my eyes and looked at him, his jaw was clenched hard and was even more tense than before. He was trying so hard. He was trying.
"Owen, whatever it is, we can work this out." I tried to say to the best of my abilities to makes sure they were not slurred.
"I'm sorry but I think we both knew things would come to this." he said, shaking his head as he looked down and made fists with his hands, clenching them so tightly they were starting to shake too.
"No. I won't accept that." I told him.
He then looked at me again with the inner corners of his eyebrows drawn up, his eyes starting to gloss.
"Athena, we must. We both knew something like this would happen and I apologize for not changing myself before it was too late." he muttered, shaking his head in despair.
I was taken aback at what he said about changing himself when what I loved about him was everything that made him him. His little imperfections made him so worth it and it would crush me to lose a person like him. He was a hidden gem. Truly.
"Sweetie, you don't have to change. I love you just the way you are." I said, reaching out to cup his face with my tear-stained hand and caressed his cheek with my thumb. He looked grievous.
"But I don't. Athena, I spent too much time on school and had little to no time for you. I spend my days strolling around with a person who eventually took my virginity! I lied to you, Athena. I lied to you. You deserve someone better than me." Owen blurted as he turned his face away from me, removing my hand on his face.
I was stunned.
The truth was out now. His truth.
Maya was the culprit after all. And she stole something precious from him; something that cannot be given back. It was a once-in-a-lifetime thing that should and must be made special, all of it gone down the drain once she took it.
I wanted to scream at him.
I wanted to tell him off for not thinking of me when he lost his virginity to someone else and I wanted everyone to know what an asshole my boyfriend is for doing it with another girl.
I didn't do any of those.
I am a mature person who will not tolerate childish antics such as screaming in the middle of the night. I will not get mad at him when he obviously regretted it with every ounce of his being. All because something greater was above me and that was love. Pure, innocent love.
"But I want you." I finally said after going over my thoughts.
Owen shot his head up at me and shook his head. His expression dulled.
"No. It's my fault things went like this. I know you must have had your reasons whenever you went out to see that dickhead but me? I didn't know why I continued hanging out with Maya. I don't deserve you, Athena. You're too good for a person like me." he insisted as his jaw clenched tighter and I couldn't help but gently caress his shoulder with a hand.
"Owen, you don't have to take the blow. I think I do too." I said, remembering how I went out to see Elliot these past few weeks and I was ashamed how earlier's revelations with him made me want to see him and talk to him more.
"Why?" Owen asked.
I sighed.
"It was bad enough that I kept Elliot a secret at first and how I didn't tell you I had been drinking and spending time with him. I know how much you dislike him but I still went to see him. I'm sorry." I told him.
Owen was silent for a moment. He seemed to be thinking as his eyebrows were furrowed deeply and the sides of his eyes crinkled the deeper he thought. Eventually, his expression seemed to soften and he nodded subtly.
"We all need to seal open wounds, don't we?" he muttered with a slight smile on his face.
I did too.
"Yeah, I guess so." I whispered.
Owen sighed. He later pulled the brakes of his chair, held the edges of his bed and transferred right beside me. I watched him do it in our shared silence and as soon as he was comfortable, we both sat on top of his bed, staring into nothingness without turning to look at each other.
Our shoulders were touching; his thigh warm against mine. Normally, I would give myself the pleasure of scooting nearer as I lay my head on his chest and slept but this time, I sat with my back pressed against the wall. He did the same.
Was this the start of us turning back to strangers?
"I don't want to end things yet." he whispered coarsely.
My heart skipped a beat.
Maybe there was still a chance to convince him that this was not necessary. That this was all just a huge ruse created to make me feel so vulnerable.
But I was guessing it isn't.
"Me neither." I finally said.
I looked down towards his hands and longed to reach for them. I wanted to clutch them once again in my grasps and hold them so tight, he would never let go. I would never let him go.
Owen must've noticed me staring. He turned his head to look at me, his face once again only inches away from mine.
"We know we both have to, Athena. We've done too much damage to ourselves. We need time to think straight without the intervention of the other. I need to sort things out in my head and,-- you need to have closure with Elliot." he said with a tone of finalization.
I choked back that cry I held in my throat for the longest time and looked up at him teary-eyed.
"We'll make things work." I tried to say to him.
He shook his head.
"It won't work for long. It will simply prolong the agony and I don't want to end things more bitterly than it had ended now." he said, looking down again.
Was this it?
"Owen." I called.
With one slow turn of his head, I captured every moment of this in my head and stored everything to memory. I don't want to forget him. I don't want to let go just yet.
"Yes?" he said.
His dark, wavy hair had always been in the way of his bright, icy blue eyes. His nose was thin and dotted with freckles that wouldn't even be visible if someone was standing a foot away from him. His lips had always been slightly chapped.
I wanted to remember every bit of him, even if it was the end.
I inhaled sharply.
"I love you." I muttered.
Without a second to spare, he sighed and told me the words I loved most to hear from him and also, the words that would break and haunt me these coming days.
"I love you too." he said.
And with that, we entangled ourselves on his bed. He pulled me towards his chest and we started kissing passionately, with my hand ruffling his wavy, dark brown locks roughly and his hands cupping my face endearingly. Our eyes were closed as we slowly laid down and indulged in what would be the last time we would ever be the same people we once were.
Owen kissed me with such desire. It was not the usual gentler ones he gave me but a yearning one; a kiss that seems to want more and yet, is held back. His kiss was heavenly fire on earth, something so strong and seemed timeless; it was persistent. It was blazing fire. I found it unfortunate that the flames would soon terrorize us and smother us to ashes.
After what seemed like seconds when it had been around a few minutes, we distanced ourselves from each other and I went to my bed to get some things I'll need for sleep. I'm sleeping over at Fitz's spare bed in his room for a few weeks if things are ending like this.
Before I left, Owen looked at me, his icy blue eyes stained with blotches of red and his gaze unwavering. I stared at him one last time as he is now, and waved a small hand as I opened our door.
"Hope you had a happy birthday." I told him with a forced smile before I left and walked out of our room.
So this must be it.
I'm no longer his and it would be selfish to still call him mine.
It's over.