Owen
I didn't cheat on Athena.
I didn't even know if simply spending my time after school with someone else was considered cheating when I didn't feel the same way about her the same way I do with Athena. I didn't look at her that way.
But then it happened, and all hell broke loose in my head until I realized what a huge idiot I had been.
I knew what I was doing back then, although everything happened when I was heavily intoxicated. I only remembered that everything had been such a blur, I thought that the person I did it with was Athena.
It would be immoral to call that incident an example of a scenario where someone overstepped my own sexual boundaries. I was well aware of my actions, and that made me spiral down even deeper.
I'm such an idiot.
Breaking up with her felt like a horrible exam that went totally wrong even after nights of studying. After I had done the deed, I felt everything rush back to me- the spark ,the fire ,the contentment ,compassion; everything hits you back like they are meant to kill you.
Every emotion was a piercing dagger, stabbing me a thousand times until I feel all so vulnerable and ashamed. Of course, I also felt regret because I really thought she was finally the one. She was my first and I was hopeful she would end up being my last.
I suppose things don't really work out well for me.
It took me long enough to finally accept the fact that things between Athena and I have ended and I was guessing word reached Marley too. Calix was out today because I was thinking he was with Athena. I don't blame him though. They were already friends before Cal transferred to my high school anyway.
I was still at home even after a few days after Cassidy attempted to snap me back to reality. It worked for a while but it immediately wore off. It was like pain medication. As much as I hated needing someone to remind me of things, I still feel like crap.
"You look horrible." Marley immediately told me as soon as she came barging in my room with a large pizza on her lap.
I shrugged back at her and just sat up in bed with my back pressed against the headboard. I don't think I've ever gone out of bed these days.
Marley went up to me, left her wheelchair beside my bed and sat right around me, giving me a concerning look. She opened up the pizza box she brought and the smell of pepperoni and mozzarella cheese infiltrated my senses, I could've sworn I helped myself to a piece unconsciously.
I slowly took one and opened my mouth slightly to bite off the tip of the slice I got before Marley's soft hand grabbed my wrist and I turned to her confused.
"Take your retainers out before you eat." she said as she motioned my teeth, still clad in my plastic retainers.
I rarely get out of my room that I almost forgot that to remove these little plastic things to keep my teeth from shifting.
"Oh. Sorry." I said as I fumbled for my retainer case by my bedside and popped them off, covering my mouth as I did. Marley shook her head.
"You really are getting the worst of the break up, aren't you?" she asked as she took a slice of pizza for herself and ate slowly.
I was silent for a moment and stared down at the greasy pizza I had in my hands.
"I don't know. It's wrong to assume that I got the worst when I don't get any news about her lately." I said, slowly biting off the tip of the pizza, chewing ever so slowly as if I can't taste the saltiness of the pepperoni.
"I could go and ask. Tell her you're concerned." Marley suggested.
I shook my head slowly.
"No. I think it's unethical to initiate contact too soon when I haven't even wrapped my head around what happened." I said, slowly finishing off the slice of pizza I took and never went back for another.
I suddenly don't feel hungry anymore.
I leaned my back onto my wall and crossed my arm over my chest. The familiar sense of emptiness crowded me once more and now, Marley was witness to it all.
"Are you okay? Really. Calix and I barely heard from you after the start of winter break. We're worried about you, Owen." she said as she put her warm hand on my sharp, shoulder blade reassuringly.
I scoffed and fidgeted until her hand retracted and I was surprised that I found myself a little bit annoyed.
I'm okay. I can get over a break up by myself. I was the one who broke things off, after all. Shouldn't things be easier?
I hated that they didn't.
I grunted and quickly pulled up a blanket above my head and laid back down, away from Marley's gaze.
I don't need someone else to see how pathetic I am.
"Why worry about me when Athena is the one you should be more worried about? I can handle things on my own." I told her from under the covers.
Almost immediately, I heard Marley sigh as she snatched the blanket away from me. She looked at me sternly as her eyes narrowed at me.
"Really? Explain why your hair is all messed up, you look paler and thinner than before, and you forgot you even had your retainers on. Owen, I think I have the right to be concerned." she said noddingly as she carefully folded the blanket she snatched away and set it beside her.
I sat myself back up again and grunted.
"I can deal with this. You didn't have to go all the way here. Aren't the paths slippery outside? You could get hurt." I noted.
It was still snowing and based from the view I can see from my window, the snow was thick. I don't exactly know how she got here since the driveway and the paths need to be cleared before a wheelchair can push through.
I doubt my sister or parents fixed that but by whatever means, she's here.
Marley looked at me unbelievably and scoffed, smiling a bit to herself.
"Owen, I've been in a wheelchair longer than you. I think I know what I'm doing." she said confidently.
"Oh. " I muttered, as I lowered my head and fidgeted with my fingers.
Marley and I were both quiet for a moment, until she broke it off by sighing. She sat closer to me until we were nearly side by side, my shoulder was higher than hers.
She looked up at me and gently slapped my hands to stop fidgeting. I looked back at her. She had a worried expression written all over her face.
"Tell me, what's going on with you? You went to DC weeks ago and now you broke up with your girlfriend? You know you could tell me. We've been friends for a long time now. I don't judge anyone. Especially you." she said, wrapping her hands around my cold ones as she gently massaged them in small, circular motions.
I felt my insides blow up.
The surge of emotions I felt these past few weeks, even before the break up, were resurfacing back above water. They were here. And I didn't like it.
I felt my chest rise and fall quicker than usual, and I felt sick.
"I don't know." I muttered, looking down on my lap, shaking.
Marley continued massaging my hands gently and she put up one hand to raise my head back up to face her, all smiling.
"It's okay. No matter what your reasons are, they're valid. We all have feelings, right? It's okay to feel overwhelmed. You're allowed to, you know. It's okay." she said as she widened her smile and instead of feeling reassurance, I only felt grief.
I didn't know why of all the times I could break down, it was now. In the presence even of a person who had never seen me shed even a single tear before.
I was not the type of person to cry in public or tell someone how I feel. I practically honed the craft of staying as neutral as possible to those around me. Well, except for one person.
"I'm sorry." I said repeatedly as I rocked and wrapped my arms around myself.
The tears were hot as they trickled down my face, their moisture sticking onto my skin like bees attracted to sweetness.
I can't see anything but the shadow of grief that had dawned upon me as I felt that I was slowly processing all the things that had happened recently. I squeezed my eyelids shut as my choppy breathing and watery eyes took over and I was immediately taken into the arms of a friend.
"Shh, it's okay. Everything's gonna be okay." Marley told me as she hugged me tighter than anyone's ever hugged me before.
I don't really get a lot of hugs. I was not used to it. This time, at my most vulnerable, I felt as if all those missed opportunities for embraces from friends and family were all made up by this one.
I felt my vision grow foggier as a flood of tears streamed down once more and I rocked and held myself, only to be hugged tighter.
Nobody has done that to me before.
"I didn't ask for this." I repeatedly told her through gasps for air.
Marley gently patted down my hair and stroked it softly the same way Mum would do whenever I had a nightmare as a kid and I would ram my wheelchair into her bedroom door just to wake her up.
"We can't always get what we want. That's life. And sometimes, life just sucks." she said slowly.
I gasped for air even more now, groping the carefully folded blanket near me tightly until my knuckles grew white.
I didn't know how to cope with my emotions very well. I was terrible.
All these years of bottling everything up slowly ate me from the inside. They rotted me. Killed me.
I never cried openly in front of anyone before. I had always been by myself.
"I know you've been feeling extremely down for weeks now and I know it's not my place to tell you to get a hold of yourself but, as a friend, I have the right to look out for you. You're better than this." she said gently as she continued stroking my hair, removing bits and strands away from my wet forehead, pulling them up.
"I don't need people looking out for me." I told her through stutters, as I tried to choke up my tears and swallowed hard as I let myself wrap my arms around Marley who was still massaging my head.
Marley shot me a concerned look as she slowly drew away a strand of hair that was blocking my eyes away from them, and I tried my best to look at her through my blurred vision.
"Owen, I know growing up with a disability made you think that you always need to be independent. I know I did. I tried. But sometimes, as people, we need to rely on others too." she said knowingly.
I felt my chest grow heavier and another set came pouring down. Marley hushed me again and cradled me the same way Mum did when I was younger.
"You may or may realize it but, people need people to thrive. We need each other not just for companionship but for growth. We can't learn to move on from the past without letting others support us along the way." she continued.
I didn't know how long Marley held me and stroked my hair to relax me. I didn't know how long I drew out sobs that tore through my chest. My breaths were short and I stuttered and stammered every time I tried to tell her to stop hugging me but I always withdrew. I needed her. I needed someone. I needed people.
"I don't want to let go yet." I muttered as I tightened my embrace around Marley. She then stopped caressing my hair and now, she slowly rested her head above mine and held me.
"I know. But you felt that you had to, didn't you?" she said.
I didn't know why but I felt another thick wave rain down once more and I didn't know how to stop nor control it. Marley hushed and hugged me tight, massaging my jittering hands again.
"I'm a mess." I told her through my broken sobs and rough breaths.
"That, I can't deny. Take all the time you need to focus on yourself. It's okay." she said reassuringly.
Marley let me cry in the silence that we shared that later followed. She didn't say anything. She simply let me be, and I was grateful for that.
"You know, you can come up to me or Calix or to anyone you trust. I know you have issues about people." she told me after a while in a soft voice.
My throat felt tight and I found myself unable to formulate any discernible words. I simply nodded as I swiped my face moist with hot tears with a hand and continued the pity party I planned for myself.
"I hate myself." I said, as soon as I felt my breathing go a little stable and my chest a little less tight.
My voice sounded hideous. It was like I haven't spoken in years and my throat had rotted away the same way my respect for myself was washed out by the tides.
I don't deserve anything, and I clearly never did deserve to have someone like her.
Athena.
Remembering the way her dirty blonde hair shone gold under the painful sun and how her laugh, no matter how crazy or flirty it was, made the things I disliked about the world a little bit bearable, hurt me.
I cried even more.
"Cry it all out. You don't have to act emotionless all the time after a breakup. I understand." Marley told me. I couldn't do anything but nod.
The memory of Athena smiling and acting all goofy and nothing but pure sunshine haunted me and I found myself wanting for more of that. I wanted more of her.
I sobbed harder and Marley never did remove her embrace from my frail body.
"Look, the road ahead is gonna be hard, and I think you should take all this time to reflect and heal whatever's been going on with you. Ignore us, even. Focus on you. It's not selfish if it helps you get better. And it will be better." she said, looking at me smilingly with a reassuring look on her face as she put up a hand and wiped a tear off my cheek.
I was grateful for her. I really was.
For the rest of the day, I bawled and screamed. It didn't matter whether my parents or sister were home to hear me cry out all my frustrations and grief. I didn't care about what Marley would think of me after this, even.
All I know was that I was in excruciating pain, and it showed.
"I miss her so much."