Owen
I think I'm a little bit okay now.
Just a little, though.
I still didn't talk that much but at least, I was answering messages now on my phone. Marley checks up on me almost daily on FaceTime and she even comes by sometimes with takeout from Delta's. I quite enjoyed that, and today, I was over at Calix's house for the first time since we all came back home for winter break.
Although I still didn't feel at ease with my emotions lately, I knew I needed to let myself take a break from being inside my room all the time. It was starting to get insufferable. Being alone with your thoughts all the time, I mean.
I needed people. And so I went out and did.
I was now blankly staring at Calix's living room TV, watching some random romcom playing. His Netflix account has been suspended recently and I found it weird not being able to control what you watch. Now, I have to choose between watching new, crappy cartoons or Notting Hill. It could be even worse too, like the news. Nothing good even shows up there anyway.
I had been watching Notting Hill for the past hour now, propped on Calix's couch before he slowly pulled up in front of me, sitting on my new wheelchair.
I just thought it was about time I used it, by the way.
Calix had a cheeky grin on his face as he pushed back and forth in it, wiggling his eyebrows.
"What do you think?" he said as he spun around the sofa, circling me like a preying hawk.
I rolled my eyes at him and sighed.
"I think you look stupid."
Cal seemed unfazed. He continued spinning around the entirety of the ground floor of his house, zooming in and out of my view and I couldn't help but shake my head at him.
"This is awesome!" He said as he quickened his pace and pushed around faster.
He had been rolling around in my chair ever since I started watching the movie. I don't even think he stopped, even once. I was so focused on staring blankly at the television, the only thing I heard from him were the occasional whoops and thuds over stumbling over something.
"Why didn't I try this out before?" He said, as he tried to do a wheelie but failed, resulting to the chair flipping backwards, carrying Cal with it as it landed on the floor.
I shrugged and diverted my attention back to the television.
"I don't like people playing around with it." I said bluntly.
"I like this. It's cool." he said with a tight-lipped smile, motioning over to my chair he's currently spinning around on.
I smiled a little and watched Cal nauseate himself as he spun faster and faster until he stumbled back down again, ditzy and dazed.
I stifled a laugh.
"I think so too." I said.
To be honest, I was quite happy with it. The new wheelchair I got from my parents, I mean.
It didn't have any handles anymore, allowing me to have full control over the chair. The back was lower now and the best thing is, I can easily pop off the wheels and collapse the whole thing easier whenever I put it in the back of a car.
I felt that I gave gained a little more independence this way and for that, it sparked the first of the little moments of happiness I get nowadays.
Too bad Calix was the one using it now, falling over and over again as he tried to do some tricks on it.
I let him play with my chair for around a few more minutes until he stood up and dusted it off with a hand. He later pushed it beside me as he stretched his arms upward until they landed back down behind his head.
"Alright, I think I'm done. Wanna eat out for a while at Delta's?" he said, grabbing his car keys on the coffee table and as well as his phone and wallet.
I shot him a warning eye and he looked back exasperatingly, seemingly informed of what value that place has to both Athena and I. Mostly, to her.
God, she loved that diner.
She always went there with her friends and sometimes, with me for snack breaks from school. Athena would even get some food there for takeout every time she forced me to go on a picnic date with her to recreate "aesthetic" date ideas she found on Pinterest.
She also loved that.
I found myself at loss for words as my head was infiltrated by soft memories of her laughs, her smiles, and even her threats every time I denied her the joy of paying for what the both of us ate there. I felt blue remembering how simple those times were.
Calix sighed and pushed my chair nearer to me. I scooted away from it, staring at the chair first then at him. His shoulders slumped down and this time, it was he who batted a warning look at me.
"We need to eat." he emphasized, looking down on me with a soft glare.
I stared at him, boggled at how I was just noticing his similarities with Athena. She used to glare at me too when she's hungry.
Huh.
I missed that.
"We can call for delivery, though." I said, as compromise once I forced thoughts of her out of my mind and turned back to Calix, who looked a little annoyed now.
Cal grunted and pressed his fingers to his forehead, sighing.
"Eating out is a completely different experience from eating in. Come on. Can we please just go? I'm hungry." he said as he looked at me wearily.
I put my head down and thought for a moment. I don't know what to do.
I was clueless. I didn't know how break ups went or how one copes with it aside from staying inside the house all day, questioning everything about your existence.
I didn't know what would happen after a break up between two people. And I was scared of what might happen.
"What if she's there?" I asked in a small voice, hearing my fear building up slowly inside of me.
Was I scared of seeing her again? Or was I scared that breaking up with her a total mistake?
Cal looked down on me and pushed my chair nearer, it actually hit my knee.
"So what? You're gonna see her a lot once school starts again, anyway. Why not try going out in town and see how much you can handle?" he said, shrugging.
I slumped my shoulders down and was quiet.
I wasn't known to handle things very well. I can barely handle a good friendship, let alone a good conversation. It always seems that everything I involve myself with is catered to me, instead of it being a two-way path where even I can contribute something.
I was useless, and it was unfair to Athena how she was the one who always went the extra mile. If I felt guilty breaking up with her, maybe it was about time I did. She deserves someone better than me, anyway.
I sighed and positioned the chair closer so I can transfer.
"Fine. But we'll be quick." I muttered as I took my things and wore my jacket.
It was still cold outside.
Calix and I rode his car going to Delta's. It was a quick ride, too.
As Cal drove across the snowy, white streets out of his neighborhood and into the string of shops and restaurants where the diner was, I couldn't help but blur out the music playing on the car's radio and just, unfocus for a bit.
It was one of the things that guaranteed me solemnity. Spacing out.
I didn't want to think of how much of an idiot I was or how fresh the memory of Athena crying was in my head. I blurred out everything that made my head ache and it somehow, made me feel a little bit at ease.
Once we pulled up in front of the diner, Cal and I got out. I was relieved that the paths and sidewalks today were cleared. Things were just easier if there wasn't snow in the way. Now I had one less of a problem now.
"See? There's nothing to be afraid of. She's not even here." Calix proudly declared a she looked sideways into the bleak afternoon sky.
I knew the chances that Athena would show up at this hour were slim.
She jogs in the park opposite of the diner every morning.
She eats here during lunch.
When we had been together, she spent her afternoons with me at the bookstore and sometimes, over at my house, watching me read as she played with my hair.
I was now left with the lingering feeling for her petite fingers to brush through my hair once more. The thought of it mademe feel a familiar wave of emptiness.
Calix and I eventually went inside the diner, feeling the immediate warmth that radiated from its heart. We got seated right around the window under the huge advertisement for Delta's and I let Calix choose what I was to eat as one of the waitresses came by. I wasn't feeling myself lately. I felt sour.
This place had been one of Athena's countless homes around here. The booth where she and her friends usually sat was along the string of where Calix and I are, only that it was the last table in the far corner.
I remember her saying that she loved this place because it reminded her of those vintage teen movies she used to watch as a kid. I think I can name a few, even.
Athena adored how the diner stood by its original retro design as it had exhibited since the 80s. I remember the way her eyes lit up every time she saw the old lady who owned the place, and how happy she was every time she was here.
I stared out the window in attempt to blur her out again. Instead, I focused my attention on random people passing by outside in the snowy landscape of this side of town.
My eyes widened as a familiar small figure was walking along outside, her maroon coat and fuzzy orange hat contrasting vividly to the bleak white outdoors. She was talking to two familiar others who were with her.
My heart raced.
"Cal." I called, still looking outside.
Calix slowly looked at me, slack-jawed and sleepy eyed, raising his brows slightly.
"What?" he said in a bored tone.
I kept my eyes toward the group of people, and I felt fear rise inside of me as they seem to be walking toward the diner.
"We need to go." I told him, grabbing the edge of his sleeve, pulling it like a child having a tantrum.
Calix looked a little alarmed, but mostly, he looked confused.
"Why? Something wrong?" he asked, looking slyly at the other people inside the diner, eyeing them suspiciously.
I shook my head and held my breath.
Shit.
She's near.
She's coming in.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fu-
"No. Uhm, she's outside. Athena. She's outside but --oh shit, she's going in. With one of her friends and uhm, Elliot." I said as I unconsciously bent my head down on the table and shielded my eyes.
I don't want to look anymore.
"Don't mind her. Think of her as someone invisible. Pretend you're unbothered." he said calmly.
I was surprised to hear how calm he was, causing me to raise my head up and shoot him with curses. I only stopped once the small bell from above the diner rang and I felt blood drain out of my body the instant I laid eyes on who went in.
Athena.
She was laughing as her and her small group took off their winter jackets and coats and I felt my heart ache that I wasn't the one responsible for her joy.
Her smile, although it was not as radiant as before, was huge and it perfectly fit her. She smiles a lot now, and I was happy that she managed to still be able to smile that big after I broke up with her.
I only wished I can do the same.
I felt my world crumbled piece by piece as I watched her laugh to something Elliot whispered in her ear. I wanted to be mad that the two of them were hanging out again and making jokes, but I immediately buried the feeling because it seemed that Athena was slowly healing from her past.
She needed that. The least I could do was be happy for her; for resolving things between her and that fucker.
As soon as Athena looked around the diner as one of her male friends talked to a waitress, her huge brown eyes landed on every corner of the interior of the place; until they landed on me.
Her smiled immediately darkened and vanished as the two of us locked eyes. Neither of us withdrew, and I found myself entranced by how beautiful her eyes were. They seemed magical, as if belonging to a mystical deer going eye-to-eye with a huntsman.
My heart skipped a beat.
Frazzled, I immediately looked away and diverted my attention toward my reflection in the glass window.
After a few minutes, our food came. While Calix stuffed down his food hungrily, I picked at mine.
I couldn't get Athena's eyes out of my head.
She was a few meters away from me now. She and her friends were seated at her favorite spot, the corner booth, with their laughs echoing throughout the diner. They made it alive. She made it alive.
From the corner of my eye, I watched them joke and kid around as I slowly ate whatever Calix got me.
I was still under her spell.
Athena looked happy. She was putting red drinking straws above her head, almost like a deer as she rammed it against one of her friend's sides, causing him to burst into a fit of laughter and curse words.
She laughed too. Snorted a little, even. I couldn't help but smile sadly seeing how much I've lost.
I continued to eat slowly, taking my eye away from her from time to time, until I noticed that I was not eyeing her from the corner of my eye anymore.
I was looking straight at her. I was surprised she did the same.
She held my gaze and looked at me. I couldn't seem to understand what her eyes were saying.
Were they yearning? Full of desire? Hatred?
I couldn't put a finger on it.
Eventually, she broke her gaze and returned to her friends.
I felt crushed, and I ate slower, to Calix's agony. He later gave me a sermon on how slow eaters annoy those who finish first because it only made him feel hungrier.
I just shrugged at him.
I ended up finishing my food around the same time as Athena and her friends did on the other side of the diner.
I found it unfortunate how both our companies coincided with each other as we left. Fear rose once more, and I swore I felt a little lightheaded once someone pulled Calix by the shoulder as soon as we were about to get into his car.
"Hey bud," a deep voice said to Calix.
Cal immediately turned towards them and smiled awkwardly. He and Elliot fist-bumped and patted each other on the back.
Wait, are they friends again too?
I didn't understand what was happening.
I stared at the small group of people who were near Calix and I, and I slowly felt so small and out of place not being friends with anyone except Athena and Calix.
"Uhm, hey?" Cal said, putting his hands back into his pockets, looking around his other group of friends.
I sometimes forget he was friends with these people before Marley and I.
Elliot stood tall and confident, and I was only noticing now that he buzzed his hair off and now was back to his natural blonde. He looked like a newborn chick. Hideous.
"What are you and, --whoever he is, doing around town? Have any plans?" he asked Calix, his voice deep and rough in the winter air.
Excitedly, their other friend, jumped up and down, clapping his hands.
"We're going to the movies later tonight. It would be fun if there were two more." Athena's other friend said, looking both at Calix and I.
His gaze was strong, especially when it came to me. I was ashamed to have forgotten his name, but I knew I've seen him before.
Was it Jim? Flynn? Finn?
"Tim, don't force them to join us if they don't want to." Athena suddenly said, looking at me for a moment before she landed her gaze above Elliot's tall shoulder.
I pondered a little longer on Athena's voice.
It was still as musical as it had been before. It sounded like heaven flowing down to earth. Almost angelic, even.
I felt myself space out again.
"I'm not. I'm just starting a conversation. How about you Cal? Wanna watch a movie with us? For old time's sake." Tim said, grabbing Cal's hand, pulling it a little.
Calix looked a little confused, and before I had the chance to tell him it's okay to go with his other friend group, he spoke up.
"I don't know. I have, things to do at home." he said.
He does not.
Tim's face curled into a sad, puppy-like expression and he nodded slowly.
"If you're busy, then I guess we have nothing to do about that. Okay, how about you Owen? Do you want to come?" Tim asked seductively, biting his lip a bit.
Athena's eyes widened at him, and I watched her hit Tim on his arm, causing him to flinch and back away a bit. Elliot hid a smile behind one of his ugly hands and I shot him a glare before he could even notice.
"Ow. ATHENA. I WAS JUST ASKING." Tim exclaimed as he massaged his arm.
I tried to stifle even a small smile this time, to be respectful at least and looked at Tim.
"Uhm, no thank you." I muttered, tight-lipped.
God, is that how my voice sounds? It's horrible.
Tim smiled sadly and waved his hands at Calix and I. Cal, awkwardly raised a hand and waved a bit as Tim, Athena and Elliot started walking away.
"Some other time, okay? SEE YOU TWO! Okay, Athena, what's better? Butter or barbeque flavored popcorn?" Tim said as the three of them turned their backs and started walking away.
In an instant, as their loud chatter died down the cold, wintery streets and Calix and I got into his car, I knew what Athena would answer to Tim's question.
Butter.
She always liked buttered popcorn.
I smiled sadly at the thought as I stared motionlessly out Calix's car window.
As Calix drove, all I did was think.
I thought of her today. And I will think of her for the next days or maybe weeks after this.
I never knew a person, even more so, a girl, could put me in a spell as strong as this. She was so beautiful, and all I could think of were her silky golden hair that flowed above her shoulders, her round eyes framed by short lashes, and her laugh; god, when she laughs all I could think of was how her laugh resonated with the world around her.
She carried the sun everywhere she went.
It was unfortunate how when I broke up with her, she took the sun and never shed me even the slightest of beams and rays.
I sighed.
It's dark down here.