Owen
I feel as if I've become a ghost.
I don't know. I'm not even sure myself.
Emotions are now foreign to me, and lately, to keep my mind off things, I just drift by in school like some poltergeist who is completely unaware of his surroundings.
At least, I do now.
I didn't even notice nearly a month has passed ever since school started again and here I was, back in university, left only with small remnants of the past.
I have bottled up my feelings, locking them tight in the back of my head in attempt to avoid breaking down over guilt, shame, and the unforgettable feeling of loneliness.
The idea of Athena moving out of our shared dorm room flew over my mind when I had came upon the decision of cutting things off. I didn't expect her to leave.
I just thought she'd at least stay for the rest of the year because we had already been listed together. But then I remembered how Athena's not your typical 'good girl' kind of person and somehow, she gets her way into everything.
I smiled sadly at the thought of her. And so I continued thinking about her during class.
Thinking of her was the only thing that kept me sane from all the other crap that beats me up.
I had chem lab today.
Dr. Anderson had been droning on and on in his quick demo on microscale acid-base titration for the past half hour now and I couldn't wait to get out as quick as possible.
Maya was here too.
As much as her presence in almost every, single class disturbed me, I couldn't just let her and what happened between us break the shit out of me again.
Not this time.
I was neutral to everything now.
Unfeeling.
Unknowing.
Unbothered.
I manifested this over winter break and damn, do I feel a little bit better about myself. I had nearly reverted back to my sulky, emotionally unstable high school self, just lesser of those.
Feeling almost nothing was better than feeling so many things at once, is it not?
But Maya was seated at the table right in front of me now, in the way of my view from the professor's demo. She always made me feel uncomfortable, especially now, as her head slowly turned toward my direction and then back at the professor. Until they landed back again on me.
We stared at each other.
She looked at me apologetically and mouthed,
"I'm sorry."
I stared at her blankly then shook my head.
Bitch, I thought.
I looked down and avoided her gaze, turning my attention toward writing down whatever shit the professor is saying about what we're gonna do next meeting. Well, that and drawing random, infinite circles over and over again.
A few minutes passed, Dr. Anderson still went on and on with the basic mechanics on our next lab test, and now, the tall stool beside mine had now been occupied.
I didn't raise my head up.
I knew who sat there, anyway.
"Owen, please, it's been nearly two months since it happened. Aren't we supposed to be friends?" Maya whispered as she looked at me desperately for an answer.
I stopped writing and kept my head low.
Her dark eyes looked at me intently, her forehead slightly creasing as she stared at me for even the slightest glimmer of empathy.
"We aren't." I muttered, turning my attention back to doodling random circles around the edges of my notebook.
I heard Maya sigh as she scooted her lab stool nearer to mine. I just sat there, unmoving.
"Look, I'm sorry. I didn't know it was such a big deal to you." she continued, as she slowly grabbed hold of my free hand and squeezed it gently.
I looked at her for one moment and yanked my hand away from her.
I shot her a glare and didn't answer.
She inhaled sharply and tried to engage in eye contact. I avoided her every time.
Maya sighed again.
"It was just a one night stand. It's not important! I just thought you'd be okay with it and move on, like a regular guy." she admitted in a soft voice as she put her head down.
I stopped drawing circles and clenched my pen hard, it even hurt my hand.
I felt my mouth go dry and my muscles tense at how Maya assumed how something like that could be a casual thing. Maybe for her, it was. But for me, it was different.
I see first times as a display of passion, not lust and immature desire. It must not be driven by alcohol or any other crap people take just to have a good time. I think it's good to keep it for a while, for the right person.
I don't want to make more mistakes.
My blood boiled hot as it coursed through my veins like a speeding truck, and my slammed down my pen hard on the table as I turned towards her with a scowl and behind gritted teeth.
"Okay with it? Maya, tell me, do I look like someone who'd willingly go to a party?" I started, feeling my head go cloudy with subdued rage storming inside my head like a tsunami ready to hit the sea side.
"No." she muttered.
I narrowed my eyes at her and looked at her lividly, my eyes staring down at her with daggers.
"Do I fucking look like someone who likes to get fucking drunk and bed some random stranger?" I said, hearing my voice go slightly louder, but not enough for other people in the class to hear.
She shook her head slowly.
"No, but, --it was just a one-night stand. It happens." she said with a small shrug.
I felt my face blaze with anger.
The fire within me started with a spark Maya threw carelessly. That spark was later tended to become a small flame, until the smoke grew large and now, the slow crackle of burning fire began to reside within me.
A slow burn, perhaps.
It was then I realized, I was more than angry.
I was furious.
"It happens? Maya, in what world will a person like me casually go to party, get drunk, and fuck someone I have no feelings for? Please, get the fuck away from me." I snapped at her, seething.
Maya tried to hold my arm to calm me down and I flinched at her touch.
"Owen, I'm sorry-"
"DIDN'T I FUCKING TOLD YOU TO FUCK OFF ALREADY?" I told her.
Maya was silent.
Everyone in class was, too.
All their beady, little eyes turned towards our direction and stared at me and Maya.
Even the professor.
Dr. Anderson looked at Maya and I with a seemingly blank face before he cleared his throat and started putting away the things he used for the lab demo.
"Class, it seems like we need to finish early today. You're all dismissed. Except, you." Dr. Anderson said as he pointed at me.
I grunted.
Other people in the class shot me mixed looks; some seemed relieved class ended earlier than usual, some still looked surprised at my sudden outburst, and a rare few gave me a thumbs up and mouthed, 'thank you'.
As people slowly exited the room and I was helped by another student back down into my chair, I quickly stashed my things into my backpack and slung it over behind me, with my heart pounding so loud, I can't seem to hear myself think.
I didn't know what to do. I rarely get scolded by teachers, but I guess there's a first time for everything.
Maya looked at me worriedly before she left and brushed her fingertips along the lines of my shoulder. I immediately turned away from her with a look of disdain as she left the room along with the others.
Bitch.
It was not soon before I was left with the professor in the room.
He just talked, yelled a bit, then let me go.
I didn't remember much from the long talk Dr. Anderson gave me this time. My mind was still cloudy from the mere interaction I had with Maya and I couldn't care less about whatever crap he told me.
I don't know.
As soon as I got out of the room, Maya had been there, with her back turned against the wall, leaning. Waiting.
Maya's eyes sparked as we initially looked at each other the moment I closed the door to Dr. Anderson's lab and I felt the rage I had earlier slowly build up again.
I don't want to burst.
I heard my name being called behind me, but I ignored it every time. I let my hands uncompellingly touch the cold, metal rims of my chair, pushing forward without any thought of speeding up to outrun the girl calling my name.
I pushed myself like I normally would on a mediocre day.
"Owen, listen to me! I just want to talk." I heard Maya call out as her footsteps grew louder and eventually, she was at my left, walking alongside.
I didn't turn my head up at her. I just looked forward.
"What if I don't want to?" I answered back, my eyes now focused on her and her disbelieving expression. Her hands are clenched into fists and her hair was now out of her usual ponytail, swinging back and forth into and out of her face.
She grumbled and tossed back her dark hair behind her ears, walking slightly faster now, her eyes sympathetic.
At least they're what they seem to be.
"Look, I'm sorry about what happened at the party, and I'm sorry I got you in trouble during class." she said as she released her clenched fists and started rubbing her palms. I was guessing her long acrylic nails dug in a bit. I eyed small, red line marks on her hands and I raised a brow at her.
"Oh, did you? I didn't realize." I said, as I continued pushing my chair forward, swiveling when there are tight corners. Still, Maya followed and I couldn't be more annoyed at her than now.
"OWEN. Now is not the time to be sarcastic about it. I'm serious." she said.
I managed to scoff a little and laugh.
"As if you've ever been in the past." I muttered.
The scene that later unfolded before me seemed familiar.
I know I have every right to unleash my rage at her, but like the time I kindly asked her to find my missing wheelchair the morning after, she was the one who had the fucking audacity to be mad at me.
Her cheeks flushed and her face became rigid, like stone. Her brows were crumpled and arched as her eyes grew narrow at me. She jerked and walked right in front of me, stopping me from going anywhere.
I watched her clench her fists again, but this time, her knuckles grew white.
"You're unbelievable. After making me feel guilty for allegedly being the one who broke up you and rainbow barf blondie?" she asked with a mocking tone to her voice.
That, I didn't like.
The burning hate I had for this person grew large once more, and I looked at her with glaring eyes and gritted teeth. I sat taller and straighter in my chair, and gripping the rims, I pushed slowly towards her until we were nearly seeing eye to eye.
Athena had been short, but Maya was shorter.
"Call her that again. Or else." I said with a grave undertone, like subdued thunder.
The college building hallway's temperature seemed to drop ice cold as Maya and I stared at each other with contempt blazing from both our eyes. I can sense how tense she is from the way her jaw is tight and how her nostrils slightly flare from my perspective. Later, she straightened up, jutted her chin and crossed her arms over her chest.
She looked down at me with disgust.
"Or else what? You don't have anyone to back you up now, don't you?" she said cheekily as she smiled devilishly and bent down a bit to face me.
She was smiling, and I wasn't.
The fuse that held the fire from starting broke, and like
"I don't need back up. I can do this instead." I said.
I gripped the rims of my chair tight and slowly pushed forward, forward enough to slightly roll over one of her feet. I was guessing it was her lucky day since she wore open-toed shoes today.
Maya's eyes widened as she jolted and let out a small scream from purposely running over her foot, followed by a string of curse words mostly directed at me.
At that moment, I knew I had won.
"And that, is for pretending to be my friend. Clearly, you aren't. You never have been, anyway." I said, before I pivoted my chair away from her and back toward the near-empty hallway of the building.
I left her there. Hopefully, her foot ached enough to stop her from following me again.
"Owen!" I heard her call again from afar, her voice sounding distant the farther I go.
I didn't answer her, nor did I look back.
"OWEN!" I heard Maya call out again.
I let her call out my name multiple times until I reached the farthest corner of the building where the elevator was. I pushed my chair in, and pressed the button going down.
As I waited, I sat back in my chair, breathed deeply, and took out the crumpled piece of paper I had always brought with me ever since the day I got back from uni.
Don't worry Athena.
I'm trying.