I wake up still sitting outside of room 112, my head resting on Noah's shoulder while he still lays sound asleep on the linoleum. The rest of the hotel guests are gradually starting to creep out of their rooms for breakfast.
"Hey," I nudge Noah a couple of times and his eyes slowly flutter open, "We fell asleep," I explain as he narrows his eyes, adjusting to the morning sunshine.
"That explains my spine being twisted into a pretzel," he says as he stretches.
"I'm going to take a shower," I say as I wipe at my face with one hand and use the other one to push myself to my feet, "I'll meet you at breakfast, okay?"
"You don't want me to walk you to your room?" he says readily, standing up.
I take a second to look at him before I kiss him softly, feeling his tense muscles relax under my touch. "I'm okay Noah," I assure him, stroking up and down his arm with my hand, "I don't want you to worry, you don't need to be surveillancing me 24/7 now."
"You understand why I feel the need to though, right?" he looks down at me, taking my hand in his.
"Of course I do," I reply, rubbing my thumb on the back of his hand, "But unless you want to come in the shower with me, you're going to have to let me go," I tease.
"Is that like an invitation or...?" Noah asks, going back to his usual, playful self.
"Bye Noah," I roll my eyes and laugh as I start walking up the stairs.
As I step through the door into my own room, I'm immediately brought into a bone crushing embrace.
"Oh my god finally!" Syd sighs as she hugs me close, "I had to hear about what happened from Jackson when I got back last night. I tried to go looking for you, but they foced us all to stay in our rooms, so I've just been pacing around this fucking prison cell all night waiting for you to come back."
"I'm sorry I made you worry so much" I apologise, "I was exhausted and fell asleep outside of Noah's room." Wrapping my arms around Sydney, her messy hair tickles my face.
"Are you kidding? Don't apologise to me! I'm the one who should be sorry. I should have been here. If all of us had come back together then none of this would have happened."
"Please don't blame yourself. Not you too," I beg, "These things happen, too often unfortunately. And if it hadn't been me, it would've been somebody else. Maybe someone who was even more out of it than I was, and that would've been a lot worse." I say, rubbing her back comfortingly with my hand.
"Why are you comforting me?" she pouts, "This should be the other way around."
"There's no need," I affirm, "I just want to forget about last night, and enjoy the last day of my senior trip with my friends." I say, pulling away from her and etching a thin smile on my face.
"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" Syd asks, "You know I'm here for you if you do."
"I'm fine, I promise," I say, "I just really need a shower. Get out of this goddamn dress, maybe burn it since I'm never putting it on again."
"If you say so," she gives up and finally lets go of me.
"Can I ask you one favor though?" I ask.
"Absolutely. Anything," Syd nods diligently.
"Could you give me a moment alone in here, please? These past few hours have been complete chaos, and I just want to be by myself for a little. Collect myself to face the rest of the day, you know?"
"Of course," she says reluctantly, sighing. "I'll be waiting for you downstairs when you're ready."
"Save me some breakfast, yeah?" I say as she opens the door to exit the room.
"Gotcha," she replies, stepping out.
As the door clicks shut I exhale loudly, letting go of a breath I feel like I've been holding for hours. I slowly pull my hair back and out of my face, standing in the middle of the room in between our twin beds, as the sound of my breathing bounces off the walls, returning back to me and echoing in my head.
I grab my dress by the hem and slide it off over my head, balling it up and tossing it to the corner of the room before walking inside the bathroom. Turning the shower on, I let the water run, and the room fill with vapour. When I step inside, I stand motionless, water raining down on me as my eyes stay fixed in the floral pattern painted onto the tiles.
This is pointless. No matter how hard I scrub at my skin, I still feel dirty. No matter how long I stand facing the shower head, allowing the water to hit me in the face, I still fill his hot breath fanning my lashes. And no matter how many times I tell myself that a memory can't hurt me, everytime I close my eyes I still find myself recoiling, trying to escape something that isn't there.
Getting out of the shower, I wrap myself in a towel and wipe the fog off the mirror with my hand, staring at the ghost of myself reflected on the glass. My eyelids are heavy with exhaustion, something the shower didn't help wash off either; my bluish tinted blood vessels apparent due to the sickly paleness of my skin. The leftover mascara from last night's makeup makes my dark circles even darker. I could try to cover it all up with a fresh coat of makeup, but I can't seem to find find it in me to be bothered, so I just wipe off the smudged remnants and call it a day.
I take my time getting dressed, not even considering putting on a swimsuit. Instead, I opt for a loose white shirt paired with denim shorts, and even though it's ninety degrees outside and we'll be spending the day at the beach, I cover it all up with an oversized and shapeless hoodie that reaches my mid thigh.
After slipping my shoes on, I head to the door planning to go downstairs and join the rest of the group for breakfast. But that plan falls through when I open the door and find Tyler on the other side, his balled up fist raised and ready to knock on the wood.
"Hey," he says, taking a step back, seeming hesitant to even open his mouth.
"Hi," I reply softly, a little taken aback by his visit.
"I just...uhm..." he closes his eyes, struggling to find his words.
"Did you want to come in?" I offer sheepishly, tucking a strand of wet hair behind my ear.
He looks from side to side as he stands in the hallway with his hands tucked inside his pockets. He sighs, his eyes settling on me, "Sure."
I let him through and he steps in the room, standing still and facing the window, his figure merely a shadow since the drapes haven't been opened. I close the door and press myself against it, hands behind my back.
"I just wanted to check in with you, see if you were okay," Tyler says, turning around to face me and scratching the back of his neck awkwardly.
"That's sweet, but you didn't need to do that. I'm fine."
"That answer would not appease me even if I didn't know you were lying," he says, looking around the room, "No one who is actually fine, uses the word 'fine' to describe their emotional state."
"Yeah, I know you like to act like you're a psychologist and analyze me, but I'm not lying," I say defensively, crossing my arms.
"I'm not pretending to be your therapist, Maddison," he says calmly, looking around the room and focusing on anything but me, "I'm just your friend, and I know when you're not telling me the truth."
"I said I'm okay, Tyler," I reply, looking away from him, gluing my eyes to the wall.
"No you're not," he says stepping closer, "I know you. You have very powerful emotions, but you try to keep them suppressed so they don't take control over you. You refuse to ask for help and pretend to be okay when you're not, because you don't want to feel like a burden to the people around you. There's no way you could come even close to being okay after what happened last night. The reasonable response is to be upset. So why are you pretending like you're not?"
I was hoping he'd just let it go, like Noah and Syd did, even though I'm sure they could see right through me too. But Tyler has never been one to let me get away with bullshitting him, and he has never shied away from confronting or challenging me when I need to be. Something about Tyler's presence, his words, his deep understanding of the way I function, opens up the floodgates I've been trying to force shut. And it all comes pouring out.
I sob, letting out the storm that has been brewing inside me, in between choked breaths. I break down, wailing into my palms as the memories of last night play inside my mind, like a broken record. Tyler comes up to me and unexpectedly wraps his arms around me, allowing me to cry into his chest as he runs his hand up and down my back.
"I shouldn't have drank that much," I sniffle, my voice muffled as my cheek is pressed tightly against Tyler's chest, "I knew I wasn't supposed to be back there, and if I had been sober I would've been able to weigh out the consequences of my actions, I wouldn't have passed out and I wouldn't have given him the chance to take advantage of me." I say in between sobs and shallow breaths.
"Maddison, you can't think like that. None of what happened was your fault. No matter how many wrong decisions you think you made, none of them make you deserving of going through what you went through."
"I should have stayed quiet. The police twisted everything around, and they made me question my own recollection of the events, and I-I" I break down, not being able to keep stringing my words together to form sentences.
"It's okay just let it out," Tyler encourages me in a hushed tone, "Only you know what you went through and how it made you feel. Don't let anyone discredit that, or try to convince you that you brought this upon yourself. You hear me?"
I nod slowly, steadying my breathing as I take in Tyler's words, "Thank you," I say, my voice barely audible. I hug him tightly, not knowing when or if I'll ever get the chance to do it again.
"Look Maddie, the fact that I can't be around you right now doesn't take away from the fact that I still deeply care about you, more than I care about anyone in the world. I never want to see you get hurt, but if you ever do, you need to know you can still count on me to be there for you. I'll always be here for you."
Tyler's embrace feels like coming home and sitting in front of the fireplace after you've just been caught in the rain. His words warm me up inside like drinking hot chocolate on a cold and snowy winter morning. I know I'll miss this feeling terribly, even more than I have the past few months. "I was afraid I'd made you hate me." I admit.
"I am the farthest I can possibly be from hating you," he sighs, his hand at the back of my neck, smoothing down my hair, "And that's precisely the problem."
***
"Maddy!" I hear the faint sound of someone calling my name in the distance. "Maddison!" I hear again, louder this time, closer, the voice heavy with worry.
My eyes flutter open to find Noah crouching down in front of me, "Oh, thank god!" he exclaims, his tone filled with relief. Amidst my confusion, he cups my face, bringing me in for a kiss before pulling me into his arms to hug me, my head pressed tightly against his chest as he wraps himself around me protectively. "I've been looking everywhere for you, I was worried sick," He lets go and I look into his eyes, bloodshot and hooded with exhaustion, as he caresses my face from my temple to my cheek with the back of his hand.
I look around and realize why he was so concerned. It appears I fell asleep on the couch in the lounge, sand only a few feet away, music pumping as people start piling up wood for tonight's bonfire. I don't know how long I've been out for, but I feel horrible for making Noah worry about me again. I don't want to burden him like this.
"I'm sorry," I say honestly, "I must have dozed off."
"Where's Syd?" he asks.
I shrug, "She was here when I fell asleep." Right as I say that, Syd steps out of the door behind me.
"I'm sorry, I'm here," She says to Noah, "I swear I've been here with her this entire time, I left a second ago to go to the bathroom," Syd explains out of breath, pointing at the door she just came rushing out of. "I wouldn't leave her unsupervised Noah, I promise."
"Guys, stop," I say, "I don't need to be babysat, okay? I appreciate your concern, and it's very reassuring. But I don't want you to start treating me differently because of what happened. Last night only proved that I need to learn how to take care of myself, because you two can't be around me all the time and I need to be able to rely on myself. So please, relax. It's our last day here and I'd hate myself if you didn't enjoy it because of me."
"We know you can take care of yourself Maddie. It's just, we're all a bit shook up," Syd says.
"I know," I reply, sadness in my tone. There's a pause, during which the three of us just stare at each other, none of us speaking.
"Syd, could you give us a minute, please? I need to speak with Maddie about something," Noah asks in a soft tone. Syd looks between him and I before nodding and slowly walking away towards the growing fire.
Noah takes a seat beside me, hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees as he stares out at the sunset. I cross my legs over the seat, turning my body to face him as I sit expectantly, waiting for his next words.
He sighs, running a hand through his messy hair. "Was Tyler in your room this morning?" he asks, still looking away from me.
"Yeah," I reply, a little confused by the seriousness in his tone, "He came by to check in on me, he wanted to see if I was okay," I say honestly.
"How gentlemanly of him," he says, a hint of bitterness in his tone.
"Noah, is there a problem with that?" I ask.
"Nope," he presses his lips together, "No problem at all."
"That doesn't sound very sincere," I press.
Noah blows out a breath, finally turning to face me, an indecipherable expression on his face. "It's just..." he hesitates, "You and Tyler have known each other forever. He knows you way better than I do. It's like he has a playbook on how to deal with anything you might need, he always knows what to say, and what to do. There's just no way I can compete with that."
"Why would you even feel the need to compete with Tyler?" I ask, having no idea where this sudden insecurity is stemming from. "Noah, you're my boyfriend, you don't need to keep worrying about other guys. I chose you, I keep choosing you every single day, and I don't intend on ever going back on that choice. There's no one else I'd rather have by my side," I assure him with a hand on his shoulder.
He doesn't speak so I continue, feeling the need to fill the silence. "Look, I'll be honest. Ty has always been a really important part of my life, and I never meant for that to change. He's my friend, always has been, and I can't, nor do I want to just erase him and pretend like nothing ever happened."
"Maddison, you can't be friends with someone you're in love with," Noah says, his head hanging low.
"I'm not in love with Tyler," I state, wondering how many more times I'll have to say that to make it clear.
"I know you're not," he says, "But can you look me in the eyes, and honestly tell me that he's not in love with you," his piercing eyes stare at me and I stay silent, feeling my skin burn under his gaze. "I'm not stupid Maddie."
"Either way, it doesn't matter Noah. He shut me out, he doesn't want to pursue me in any way, he doesn't even want me to be a part of his life anymore. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't want to have his friendship back, because he's just as important to me as you are. So please, I'm begging you, do not put me in the position to choose between the two of you. I already did it once and I never want to have to be in that spot again."
"That's not the point," he says standing up. He runs his hands over his face in frustration, sighing. "I doesn't even matter now, because he made that choice for you. But what would you have chosen, Maddison?" he asks accusatorily.
"What? Noah do you even hear yourself right now? Where is all of this coming from?"
"You know what? You're right. I don't want to know," he says, pacing back and forth. "Just forget I said anything."
"Noah-" I try but he brushes me off.
"Come on, we don't want to miss the sunset," he says, offering his hand to help me up.
"Noah, if this is such a big concern to you, then we need to talk about it," I reason.
"I know," he says, letting out a breath, "But not right now. You've been through a lot and I'm still a bit riled up from last night, so maybe this is just me trying to find something else to focus my frustration on," he explains, which sounds logical to me. "Let's just enjoy the rest of our the day, okay? The sun is already starting to set."
I decide to let it go for now, hoping this argument is just a product of all the stress we've been under the last twenty four hours. Taking Noah's hand, I stand up, walking beside him with our fingers laced towards the shore. We sit on the wet sand, looking out to sea as the sky starts being painted by pastel tones of orange and pink. Noah wraps his arm around me, trying to warm me up with the body heat radiating off him, and I rest my head on his shoulder.
"I didn't mean to cause you any more stress," he apologises, stroking my cheek with his thumb, "I'm involving myself in things I shouldn't, but it's just because I really care about you, and the thought of losing you terrifies me," Noah explains. "Regardless, it was a dick move, and I'm sorry."
I take his hand, lacing it with mine, and placing a soft kiss near his knuckles. I turn to see his face illuminated by the sunset and my lips stretch into an empathetic smile. "I know."
We stay in place, snuggled up against one another, trying out best to wipe our memories clean of the incident, and focusing on our steady heartbeats. The sky lights up with colors, as fireworks are lit to celebrate the end of our trip. People are cheering and dancing around the bonfire. But Noah and I are in a world of our own, staring straight ahead as the sun is swallowed by the sea.