It's time to find out what's up with Ash's "date."
The song for this chapter is the song I imagine Leed sings to her at the end of the chapter...
Ashlynn
Before I even get to the cafe, I'm pretty sure this is a bad idea. I don't want to meet Theo.
I want to be with Leed.
So much.
In every way.
I just want to it be good. So good.
Not just nice but slightly...falsifed...like with Cam. Not the completely fake, filthy performances with all the men that came after.
So I tell myself for the tenth time what Kat and Riley and my therapist have all been telling me. That maybe I should check out what Theo has to offer.
As awful and embarrassing and ridiculous as this is...maybe they are right. Maybe I need a sex coach. Someone to talk me through genuine, free, loose, fun, hot and loving sex that's good to give and good to get.
Because I have no clue about that.
Theo is a little different than I expected. I guess I thought a sex-coach would look...well, like a rock star. Magnetic and sexy. But he's only handsome in a mild, approachable wayâshort, nondescript brownish hair, compassionate eyes, a pleasant smile, typical So Cal clothesâskinny jeans, a t-shirt, a slim leather jacket.
He rises from the cafe table where he's waiting for me and shakes my hand. "Ashlynn, nice to meet you."
The first fifteen minutes or so, we just talk about general stuffâmy childhood, my first boyfriend, my brain injury, my drug addiction and rehab, what I'm doing now with yoga and holistic training. He tells me a little bit about his methodâwhich involves counseling, intimacy work like touching exercises, but obviously no making out or actual sex.
Then things get a little more difficult. He asks me about my partner and what issues we are having, and I feel the blush creeping as I explain that my "partner" is not actually my partner yet, but a guy who has been building up to having a relationship with me for about six months. I tell him that we've had some obstacles and now we are finally on the verge of dating. I tell him this guy is very sexual and also very sexy. I tell him that this man is not only hot as hell, but that he's kind and wise and can be amazingly tender. I tell him I've never been as attracted to any man as I am this man. I tell him that we've had a number of physical flirtations and that I get incredibly turned on by him. I tell him that I want to have sex with this guy and I want it to be amazing.
"Okay, and what makes you think it might not be amazing?" he probes.
"I'm bad at sex," I confess.
"What makes you think that?" he looks me over, and I know what he's thinking. A girl that looks like me doesn't usually have hang-ups when it comes to her body or her own sensuality.
"I've been with a lot of men," I say, watching my hands grip my tea. "I only loved one of themâmy only real boyfriend. The others were arrangements. Men that I dated in order to share their lifestyle and their drugs. Most of them were attractive guys and on some levelâat least in the beginning of the relationshipsâI was attracted to them. Almost all of them turned out to be manipulative and emotionally hurtful. One of them was...actually abusive, but even before that guy...I could never enjoy sex. Not with my boyfriend, or not with anyone."
Theo is quiet for a moment. "There's a difference between a psychologist and what I amâa certified sex coach. If you have sexual trauma, maybe you would be better off with a different kind of help."
"I have a therapist. I'm working through all that. I've been celibate for...over a year, since I left the guy that was hurting me. He wasn't sexually assaulting me. The abuse was always part of our drugging and it was always separate from sex...he would get too high to have sex. My hang-ups with sex...I've always had them. My therapist actually suggested I try sex coaching, because..."
He waits, giving me space to elaborate. I do. "I've never had an orgasm with a guy. I just...can't."
He smiles. "You can, you just...haven't. Let's frame it in that way, okay?"
"Okay," I breathe out.
"But you want to have orgasms with this new guy?"
I cover my face with my hand. "Yeah. He's amazingly sexy and...well...he's has sort of...a reputation for being a good lover. So I want to experience that, but also...I...I...don't want to let him down. He's really...sensitive. I get the impression that he prides himself on pleasuring the women he's with."
Theo smiles again. He tells me my experience is not uncommon. He tells me he thinks I can change the cycle of sex I've had. He talks about some of the things he might do to help me relax into intimacy. Most of it is just more of what he described beforeâtouching exercises. He suggests we try one now.
I look around. "What? Here?"
He nods and holds his hand up towards me. "It's just a hand-holding exercise."
I don't really want to hold hands with Theo. I want to hold hands with Leed. I'm starting to think this is all a dumb idea, and that I should be telling Leed these things I'm telling Theo.
Then again, maybe I'm just running away from this kind of therapy like I run away from everything else. I take a deep breathe and put my hand in his.
He begins to caress my fingers with his other hand. He tells me the goal is for me not to pull back from him when he asks me questions. If I feel the urge to withdraw my hand, I'm supposed to stroke his hand instead.
At first, the questions are just simple, mostly about Cam. When he asks me about the first time I had sex, I do have the urge to pull away, but I refrain and put my other hand on the table to stroke his. This feels so weird and stupid, but I don't really trust my instincts when it comes to this stuff.
He asks the question again, but I don't have a chance to answer it, because my phone rings.
It's Leed.
I jerk away from Theo, holding up a finger. "Just...just a second."
"Hey," I breathe into the phone.
"I'm glad you answered," he says. "This is me giving you a heads up. You have about ten seconds. Don't freak out and run."
"What!?!?" My voice is high with dismay. Theo is looking at me with concern, and I'm looking around, because I know what's coming.
A lion attack.
Just as I'm turning in my chair, Leed pounces, his hands gripping my shoulders, his stubble scraping my temple as he kisses me more possessively than anyone should be able to convey with a temple kiss.
"I just couldn't stay away, Sunshine," he murmurs as he slides into the chair beside me. "Leed Lawson, Ashlynn's boyfriend," he thrusts out a hand to Theo.
"What?!?!"
He gives me a dangerous look. "Am I not?"
"Are you!?!?" I cry.
"Yeah, I am," he says. "You got a problem with it?"
"But...that's...that's...not how it works," I splutter. "We haven't been out. We haven't had sex," I hiss. "You...you can't be my boyfriend...that's...that's backwards, Leed. That's not the way adults do things."
He glares at me, leaning his elbows on the table, getting close to my face. "We've been hanging out for months and we've been telling each other everything in intimate phone calls for months and months before that. We are so far past a first date, in every way except the official fun date activity. And did you or did you not tell me that the next time you had sex, it would be for...it would be in a committed kind of thing, where the two people really...were really tight?"
I think I told him it would be for love, but he's got the right idea.
"Yes, I said that, but..."
"Well, then obviously the commitment has to come first, right?" He gestures between us. "Boyfriend. Girlfriend. Agreed?"
"You're insane." I whisper.
"Lately. Yes or no?" he growls.
I just stare at this gorgeous creature, whose emerald eyes are glittering with aggression and jealousy. The more I look into his eyes, the more I begin to see there's something much warmer in their depths, struggling to be seen. Something like meadows and trees and green seas. Something soft and hopeful and...growing.
All the worries I have about Tam and Ollie...and my heart getting broken, somehow they don't stand in the way of the answer I give.
"Yes." My voice is soft like a dream.
He gives me the blinding smile that makes women feint. It nearly makes me feint, but I'm sort of getting used to breathing through a Leed Lawson swoon. He scoots his chair over to me and puts an arm around me, pressing his forehead into the side of my head. "I feel less crazy already."
I giggle. His own breathy laughter tickles my cheek as he feathers a line of kisses up my cheekbone.
"Pictures," I murmur as I can hear the distinctive sound of several near-by phones snapping away.
"Marcy's problem, not ours," he assures me, giving me one final peck on the temple and turning his gaze back to Theo, who is watching us neutrally. "Moving on. Why the fuck would a life coach try to hold his client's hand?"
"Life coach," Theo repeats looking at me with some amusement. "Well, I guess you could say, I'm a specialized life coach. Ashlynn, would you...like to elaborate about my services? To your boyfriend? You weren't kidding about him having a reputation, by the way. You're dating the Lion of Soundcrush." Theo's eyes are kind and laughing, but I have the feeling he's laughing at me. Because he can't be laughing with me right now.
I'm not laughing.
"No, I'd rather not elaborate," I murmur, putting my hands in front of my eyes.
"Specialized. What's your specialty?" Leed asks quickly.
"Ashlynn," Theo admonishes. "If you are serious about this..."
"Okay, okay, okay..." Still keeping my hands in front of my face, I lean toward Leed, who immediately pulls me tighter to him. For a second, I get distracted by how nice it feels, to be this close to Leedâfor him to touch me so casually. Then the camera's flash again, and I feel like we need to break this contact, so I hiss rapidly into his ear between my fingers, "Theo is a sex coach, okay? I'm bad at sex. Really bad, Leed. And I just...want to be better at it. For you."
I pull away, looking anywhere but Leed's face, so I can't say what his exact reaction is, but he grips my hand beneath the table, because he knows me, now. He knows after an admission like that, what I want is to walk away from the shame and embarrassment.
Finally, he says. "Well, that's real thoughtful, Sunshine. But, why don't we take a shot at working it out ourselves, before you take it to the outside?"
With Leed gripping my hand, it's very hard to hide all of my face with the other, so I just drop my head to the table. "This is the worst day ever," I whimper. "This is a terrible idea."
"Yes, it's a terrible idea, because I'm all the coach you need when it comes to sex. But worst day ever? The day I ask you to be my girlfriend? Please. You just hit the damn jackpot, baby," I can hear the grin in Leed's voice.
"Take me home, you insufferable egomaniac," I whisper hoarsely. "I can't stand anymore public humiliation."
"You got it, Sunshine," Leed rises at once, throws some cash on the table. "She'll call you if you she needs you. Obviously what you heard about our relationship is confidential and private. My manager will be in touch about the NDA I need from you."
Theo makes some protest about his ethics, but Leed just says, "Dude, just sign the NDA, okay? You do not want to get on my bad side. Isn't your dad my manager's accountant?"
Theo just laughs. "Good luck, Ashlynn. You've got a...challenging...boyfriend. I hope everything works out."
I had walked to the cafe from our townhouse. The ride back in Leed's SUV takes less that two minutes. He clucks at me when I reach for the door handle. "Let me," he says, even though he had opened the car door for me once already, just minutes ago. He walks around, helps me out. Inside, Leed casually heads to the fridge. He pulls out some veggie wraps that I picked up at the organic grocery store. "I'm sorry babe, but your first sex lesson has to wait. I need food first."
"I didn't expect to hate my boyfriend so soon," I hiss at him, covering my face.
"Okay, okay. I won't tease you anymore. Really, I'm starving. You hungry?"
"I could eat."
The truth is, my stomach is in knots but eating seems normal. Eating seems easy. I don't know what happens after we eat.
Leed scarfs down three of the veggie wraps while I munch on one. When I clear the dishes, Leed corners me in the kitchen, putting his arms around me from behind. "I have to go soon, Ash. I told Tam and Ben I would help with Ollie. It's not where I want to be. I want to be here with you. I want to take you dancing, do something special to celebrate us, and then spend the night with you just...sleeping, holding you close. But I can't romance you tonight, and I don't want to do anything...rushed." He brushes my hair to the side of my neck and kisses my bare shoulder. "The pace doesn't change, just because the label has. I don't want to make you feel obligated to anything. Not because we are adults in an adult relationship, and certainly not because you think I have rock star expectations. I just want us to enjoy the ride. Don't know where were going, but I know we can have a hella good trip, okay?"
I turn in his arms, playing with his hair. "If you don't kiss me, for real, this is going to be the shortest relationship in history."
He brushes the hair out of my face, his expression rueful as we hear the patio door bang and Kat and Trace's animated voices as they spill into the kitchen.
They stop talking as they become aware of us. "How's Ollie," Trace asks immediately, ignoring for once that Leed has his hands on me.
"Just a fever and a rash," Leed says. "But he's put us all through it. Tam flew back on the red-eye. Mama and baby are home now. I gotta get back over there. I'm just...bringing Ash home."
Leed and I exchange a quick glance. Suddenly, I blurt. "Hey, before you go, I think one of the bolts on my bedframe is loose. Would you mind...?"
"I can check that," Trace offers.
"I got it," Leed strides to the laundry room and grabs the little pink toolkit, gesturing me ahead of him up the stairs.
As he closes the door to my bedroom, his hands are on me again, gripping my hips, massaging my lower back. "I thought I was the liar in this relationship," he rumbles. "Why didn't you tell them?"
"It's just...can we maybe...take our time telling everyone? At least wait until after Nashville."
Leed's knuckle is tracing my jaw as he rocks me backwards. "Why?"
I bury my head against his chest. "Mac..."
Laughter rumbles in his chest. "Is gonna give hell, asking a bunch of nosy questions. You're so right. We can just keep the labels chill, for now. As long as you understand, you are mine. And I am yours. How long we take to give ourselves to each other is our business and no one else's."
"I like that. What you said. And I like you. So, so much," I say shyly.
He looks very pleased at my admission but he never misses an opportunity to tease me. "I thought you hated me."
"Yeah, being with you is a roller coaster, it seems."
He chuckles and turns me as expertly as if we were ballroom dancing. He drops into the oversized chair in the corner of my room and draws me sideways across his lap, wedging me in the chair so we are face to face.
He hold my hands in his on our laps. "You really believe you are bad at sex?" he asks me.
I look down. "Look at me, darlin'." I do what he asks. "There's nothing to be ashamed of. Not with me, okay?"
I nod.
"Why do you think that? You don't like sex? Or was it something that...happened?"
"Not really. The scars that I have...they didn't happen during sex, if that's what you are wondering. Although I am self-conscious of them. And I do...like sex. I mean, I get turned on, I want itâthe craving for it. I liked it with Cam. But even with him..." I look down at my hands.
"Even with him what?" Leed prompts me.
"I never...you know."
"You never came?" Leed asks mildly.
I shake my head, looking away.
"Okay, well, that probably has a helluva lot more to do with him than you." Leed bounces me up and down on his legs. "Dr. Martin's maybe not so good at playing doctor." He throws his head back on the chair and laughs heartily. "Christ woman, my head has been so messed up, thinking I could never compare to your first love, your first sex. Maybe I'll never be a doctor, but I'm damn sure an expert on a woman's body. I got you, babe. I promise."
"But...don't you see? That's the problem. It's not about you. What if I...can't? There's a lot of pressure, especially now that I told you. What if I just can't get there? Then you are going to feel bad, and I'm going to feel awful for you feeling bad, and...that's why this is all crazy and backwards, Leed. You're Leed Lawson. You can't have a girlfriend that's a dud in bed. It's just...not who you are. So maybe we shouldn't do this...until you know for sure what it's like to be with me..."
He takes my head, making shushing noises. "You got stop all that noise, baby. Stop overthinking. I have never wanted anybody as much as you. You ever wanted anybody as much as me?"
I swallow heavily. "Not by a long shot."
"Then great sex is right there," he points to the bed. "Don't even worry about that. We'll get there. We'll just take our fucking sweet time moving from here," he pats the chair, "to there." He points at the bed again. "What you didn't have before was trust. Even if you loved Cam, you didn't trust him with your truth, if together you couldn't get to escstasy. So we're gonna build trust. A little bit at at time, okay?"
"How?"
"Dating. Making out. Running the bases. Teenagery shit. Romantic shit. Hot tantric meditation. Acroyoga. Whatever it takes, baby. All of it. I never had a girlfriend," Leed runs a finger along the neck of my tank top, and then slowly, slowly, skims over the upper curve of my breast, before skipping the full grope and giving the squeeze to my knee instead. "This is gonna be so much fun, Ash."
I lay my head on the tall, overstuffed armrest, feeling the tingle on my chest where he just touched me. "That does sound like fun."
Leed smells so good as he moves closer to my lips. Like sandalwood and sacred places. Like wild adventure. This time, he hovers with space between us as he stares into my eyes. "If it were just up to me, I'd wait until our first real date to kiss you good and hard and long, like I've been thinking about for weeks. But we're in a relationship now, and it ain't all about what I want. So if you want my mouth...come and get it, girl."
His words...free me.
I take his head in my hands and pull myself to him, hungry for his taste. He keeps his lips soft, matching the movements I make as I invade his mouth with my tongueâreally tasting him for the first time. He tastes fresh and smoky, green and spicy. He tastes like...strength.
In his strength I find myself growing bolder and working his tongue with mine. He lets me play with him, exploring his mouth, biting his lips, as he strokes my hair, my face, my neck almost lazily for a long time. Finally, when I begin to suck on his tongue and make sounds I've never made while kissingâhe catches fire.
He growls into my mouth and breaks this kiss.
His green eyes are more vivid than I have ever seen them as he presses me back into the armrest. "My turn," he pants and dives back into my mouth. All control he gave me has been reclaimed, and he moves me with his tongue, with his hands, with his hums, with whispers. "You are so fucking gorgeous, Ashlynn. Inside. I can even taste your light. Like drinking pure beauty. Goddamn," he mutters, sucking at my top lip, then lapping into my mouth again, like he could never get enough.
I know what he means. I feel his light tooâbut his light is strength and fervor and unbridled joy.
I rode a zip line once. Leed kissing me is like that. I feel high and weightless. Unified with him, just like I felt one with the forest. Inspired. Timeless.
Time doesn't stop forever, however. Leed breaks the kiss and presses his face into the armrest beside mine, his hands gripping me like he doesn't want to stop. After a long moment where he seems to be counting breaths, his hands relax and he nuzzles my neck softly. "It's crazy how I'm so turned on by you. I'm so fucking senseless right now. Overcome. By you. By this. By...everything. I don't want to keep going when I'm this...weak."
"You're not weak. You're just tired," I soothe. "You hardly got any sleep last night."
"Would you let me sleep in your bed with you? Just for a little while."
I run my fingers through his hair, loving the freedom I have to do this, now, as I consider the question. I'm not sure. We said slow, but it's scary, how our words never seem to mean much once we start touching each other. I don't want to risk bad sex with Leed, and I know I'm not ready to be even be naked with him. We need to slow this down. "You can't stay. Ollie needs you. He's sick and he's used to you being there, giving just as much comfort as Tam and Ben."
He nods against my throat, sucking and lapping and softly biting me in a way that makes me throb in places I haven't throbbed since I was in high school. "You are so good, Ash. So understanding. So kind. I...fuck, it makes me feel...so grateful. That you understand about my son."
"I do understand. I always will understand, when it comes to Ollie," I promise him.
"Thank you," he says hoarsely, and his kisses move to my sternum. He slowly shifts my shirt down, until he can see the lace of my nude bra. "Wow, so much to look forward to."
He plants one slow, soft kiss there and then he lightly cups the sides of my boobs, moaning in approval at the deep crest of cleavage he creates. "Christ. You are perfect."
"I'm not," I remind him. But I like him touching me like that. So many times I let men touch me and it had nothing to do with my body. It was about their pleasure or my need for drugs. They way he touches me makes me feel like he's worshipping me and giving us both pleasure.
"You are perfect for me, no matter what makes you think otherwise." He slides from the chair and pulls me to my feet. "Walk me out?"
We head down the stairs hand in hand.
Trace and Kat are watching a movie, snuggled together on the couch. They observe us silently, but my free hand goes unconsciously to my hair, which I'm sure is tousled, and low cut top, which Leed pulled down a little too low. Leed smiles and pulls me to the door, throwing up two fingers in farewell to TrayKat.
"Didn't hear the drill tightening up that loose bolt," Trace drawls.
"Yeah, but unfortunately,we didn't hear the bed banging against the wall, either," Kat reminds him.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Trace hisses at her.
"Baby, you're really gonna give me a complex, being so concerned about your ex-wife's love life," Kat snaps, but she's not really mad, just snarking.
"Quick, escape while they are bitching at each other." I push Leed out the door. He pulls me with him.
Leed scans the parking lot and gives a nod toward a dark car with even dark windows. The window is about a quarter open and a guy in a baseball cap is sitting still. Sunglasses make it hard to tell where he is looking. "Could be a pap," Leed says. "We should probably not give Marcy more work."
I nod as we walk to his truck. "What do you want Marcy to say, anyway?" he asks. "If any of the amateur pictures of me kissing on you at the cafe find their way to press?"
"What are the options?" I ask.
"Misleading picture/just friends. Which everyone would assume is a lie. We could also say close personal friends, or in a serious relationship," he ticks them off.
"And close personal friends would be code for?"
"Code for us fucking but me not wanting to admit in the press to a relationship," he grins.
"Say that, I guess." Suddenly I feel evil. "Unless you are afraid for Tamara to see it."
"Watch it, woman. I'll tell the world you are my girlfriend and leave you to explain it to Trace."
"Go home to your baby-mama, Lawson," I sneer at him and he bites his lip and shakes his head at me.
"Bad girls get spanked, you know."
"There's only one thing you'll be spanking tonight."
He laughs. "You got me there." He turns away from the potential pap, and puts two fingers to his lips, kissing them and tipping them to me. "Goodnight, Sunshine. I'll call you and sing you a lullaby before bed, okay?"
And he does. Falling asleep to Leed's voice brings me the sweetest sleep I've even known.