Time to check in with the girls.
The song for this chapter is Last Hurrah by Bebe Rexha. Not only is it a great girls' night song, alot of the imagery seems to suggest some of Ashlynn's past experiences. Also the song implies that a struggle to "get right" is never-ending...
Ashlynn
Mac really knows her Nashville scene, because VIP in the Chocolate Lounge is the place to be.
I've never been in a chocolate lounge, but I have been in a hookah bar, and the VIP vibe is similar. The front is like a deli, with customers lined up at the cases to purchase truffles, ice cream, and various other slices of chocolate heaven. The VIP upstairs is really a bar-- low lighting, Moroccan decor, a DJ playing club music with an exotic vibe, groups of low plush seats. Instead of large, strange smoking apparati one would find adorning the tables at a hookah bar, each VIP area is outfitted with a large dark chocolate fountain, surrounded by colorful fondu pots of various specialty chocolatesâwhite, orange, even chili flavored melted chocolate. As soon as we arrive, "Mrs. Heartley" is greeted by the manager and ushered to her 'usual space' at the front of the top floor, where floor to floor casement windows are cranked open, making us feel like we are a part of the lively Nashville street life, while overhead radiant heaters keep us comfortable and keep the chocolate nice and melty.
Platters of fruit, cakes, marshmallows, biscotti, croissants, homemade pretzels, canoli and bite sized cheesecakes arrive effortlessly. Kat orders a chocolate martini, Mac and Tam order both order milk, and I decide on a chocolate infused orange tea.
Before we even get our drink orders, the DJ's mix transitions to The Siege, Dev's song featuring Mac.
She colors from her forehead all the way down to the plunging v-neck of her long sleeved tee, but she leans forward, using her long strawberry blonde hair to cover it as she peruses the food. That's a move I know well.
I'm sitting beside her on the couch, and I lean my head into hers. "Being naked on the cover of Rolling Stone doesn't embarrass you. Simulating sex onstage with Adam doesn't embarrass you. A DJ playing your number one hit while you are in the house embarrasses you?"
She picks up a strawberry and rolls it in the chocolate, then smears it all over my lips, leaning in to lick it off. I swat at her, laughing as she throws herself back on the couch. I feel my own face heat.
"Good, now you are the same shade of pink as me," she winks.
Kat is sipping her martini watching. "Waitâthat was just a prank, right?"
"Of course," Mac beams. "I'm so faithful to Adam it's fucking ridiculous. The hottest of hot people walk by and I'm like... 'Meh, they've got nothing on Preacher.' I used to think it was just the newness of marriage and being pregnant with his baby..." Mac rubs her belly, "but I have to say...six months into being married and I love him more every single day."
I wrap my arms around her arm and lean on her shoulder. "I'm so happy for you."
"Ditto," Kat winks.
Tam holds up her milk in a toast to Mac. "You gotta good one. Almost as good as mine."
Kat nods. "Ben is a good dude. A real good dude."
"He's completely amazing with...everything. The whole situation is hard. Not really for him, but for me. So much harder than I realized it would be. Leed's been incredible, too. It's just...different than I thought it would be. I didn't expect to...well...it's just different." Tam gives me a reluctant smile and a sheepish shrug of her shoulders, then looks at Ollie, peacefully sleeping in his carrier, with adorable little earphones on his head.
Mac stares at her thoughtfully, then changes the subject, asking Kat how the Loving Marcs launch went. Kat nearly chokes on her martini and gives me a panicked glance. "It didn't quite go as expected."
I cock my head at her. Where is the rock star face you were fronting at dinner, Katheryn?
"Still, Kat did an amazing job. Completely cool under pressure," I say, wishing she was as cool now.
Even Tam picks up on her weirdness. "Did something...happen?"
"Just...LA drama," Kat waves her martini and gulps it down. A waiter is there to take the empty glass before she even sits it down.
"Another?"
"Please, god."
Mac and Tam exchange a glance, then both look at me.
"So...how are we helping tomorrow?" I blurt.
Mac's shoulders scrunch in enthusiasm to talk about her new house. We soak up all the details and also a lot of chocolate. Somewhere around my second pound, the tension of a headache begins to build in my head, but I ignore it. It's just the music, and I'll be fine when we get to the hotel. We can't stay long, because Tam is eager to put Ollie to bed. She' worried about him straying too far from his routine.
I know the feeling.
âââââââââââââââââââ
Mac has bought us all pajamas. Some kind of fabric that I'm sure someone sold their soul to the devil to createâsoft as silk but stretchy like jersey. We each have a different design. Mac's are white with strawberry vines and fruit. Tam's are a cream camouflage that will look amazing with her skin. Kat's are black with electric blue guitars on them. And mine...oh so subtly, are goldâasian-paisley design with trees, mandalas...and lions.
They are monogrammed. But not with our initials. With Adam, Ben's, Traces, and Leed's.
Kat, tipsy and exuberant, loves them and starts stripping off her clothes, eager for us all to join her in a photo to send the guys.
"Presumptuous, much?" I say to Mac as I flap my LOL-stitched top at her. "I don't belong to your brother, you know..."
"Ha. My brother does not keep secrets from me," she says with a devil grin, but I'm pretty sure she's just fishing now.
"Then you know, he has no secrets to keep, when it comes to me," I bluff, willing myself not to blush from the bold lie.
Mac snorts. "Your weird poker face says otherwise."
Tam gives her a sharp look, but says nothing, taking Ollie and her pajamas into one of the other bedrooms to nurse him to sleep.
Mac flops down on the bed and sticks out her feet helplessly. "Oh god, this baby is going to be the death of me. I can't even take off my own shoes."
Kat laughs. "You do look miserable." She snaps a shot of Mac looking a little like a beached whale.
"Post that, and I will chase you down and strangle you. I have a zero bullshit tolerance right now."
I kneel to take Mac's shoes off. "She won't post it."
"Of course not, even though you look perfect and all other pregnant women want to cut you," Kat grins.
Mac struggles up on her elbows. "Hey, Shoe Slave," she calls to me. "What the hell is up with you and Tam? The temperature drops thirty degrees every time she looks your way."
"To be honest, I really don't know."
"Bullshit. What happened?"
"Nothing. She's just been cool ever since the wedding."
"She's jealous of the way Leed has completely lost his cool over Ash," Kat smirks and giggles.
"Kat!" I hiss. Dammit, that's it. I'm cutting Kat off after two drinks from now on.
Mac suddenly has no trouble maneuvering into a more gossip-receptive position. She's curled up on her knees reaching for Kat, drawing her down on the bed.
"Do tell, Little Sister. I want to hear everything I've missed."
I give Kat a death stare and Kat returns a guilty look. "There's nothing to tell, I'm just teasing my sister. Let's get you into your pajamas so we can get our nails done."
We each have our own personal spa technician. Manicures and pedicures are efficiently accomplished so they will have time to dry before bed. Tam calls it a night after the facials, retiring to the bedroom where Ollie is sleeping. The rest of us get mini-massages of our backs, scalps and feet, because it's getting too late for the full body treatment. I'm relieved by that. Besides the amazing massage Leed gave me two nights ago, I don't do massages. It's just too awkward to try to keep my scars covered.
Mac insists the three of us will sleep the massive bed in the master suite, so Tamara and Ollie can rest peacefully in the other room.
Mac has a giant body pillow the size of Adam. She lays on her side, facing me. I'm in the middle on my back and Kat is propped up on my other side, gossiping with Mac, me occasionally interjecting. We fill Mac in on all the highlights we can think of, my relationship with Leed excepted.
Finally Mac yawns and says. "Oh my god, I'm exhausted and can't play this game anymore. Kat, for fuck's sake, tell me what I want to know."
Kat pauses, then blurts a rapid string of words. "Tam's jealousy is so not the story tonight. Leed is in love with Ash and freaking out because last night we all learned that Ash has been keeping a huge secret. She has an ex-Dom psycho who cut her up and left her with scars and who is stalking her and Leed asked Ash to marry her in order to send the pyscho a message not to fuck with her anymore but the Lion is crazy and wanted her to sign a contract for the marriage to last a year which is not only a been-there-done-that-not-going-backwards insult it's also kind of like a Dom-Sub contract, so...bad move, Leedâand Ash got rightfully pissed, but he wrote her a gorgeous song and it's all good now. Well...not the psycho-ex-Dom-stalker part, but the Leed-and-Ash part."
There is silence. Then Mac's peal of laughter bounces off every wall. "Oh my fucking god, Kat that was amazing! Forget being Marianne junior, you belong on the big screen. That was fucking great! Did you practice that or just improv!?!?! Or waitâhave you been taking acting lessons?" She laughs some more.
Kat bites her lip. I'm staring at the ceiling, fighting the urge to stuff a huge pillow right down Kat's throat. Mac's laughter slowly dies away.
"No fucking way," she whispers.
"Sure, let's go with that," I say and turn over on my side away from her, glaring at my sister. Kat's face crumples in guilt but then she rallies, jutting her pretty little chin out.
"She was going to find out anyway. Leed can't keep a secret for shit."
I growl at Kat and pull the pillow from under my head, bashing her with it. Repeatedly.
For an enormously pregnant chic, Mac is surprisingly agile when she's motivated to be. She pulls me off Kat, flattens me on the bed and climbs on top of me, so I can't roll away from her again.
"Are you fucking serious? You...you had a Dom? Like a whips-and-chains Dom? What the fuck does Kat mean, he cut you up? She can't be serious about Leed...proposing!?!?!" she says the word like it doesn't want to follow Leed's name. She peers into my face and I glare back up defiantly. I shrug.
"That's pretty much the gist, yeah."
"I don't...I don't even know how to deal with the feelings right now..." she stammers.
A familiar, deep chuckle rolls through the air like distant thunder.
We all turn to see Leed standing in the doorway. He's a little bit drunkâagainâand a lot sexy-as alwaysâbut highly amused.
He leans against the door frame, looking us over and rubbing his lips. "I came for good-night hugs, but this is not what I was expecting to walk in on." He hooks a thumb behind him. "I'm just gonna go grab a water from the bar, and come back again, and you guys are going to do the right thing and cease and desist all freak, okay? We'll pretend this never happened."
"Oh, shut-up Leed!" Mac hisses, sliding off me and flapping her arm at him, waving him in the room. "Get the hell in here and close the door before you wake up Ollie!"
He shuts the door quietly, slinks over and stretches like a lazy cat on the bottom of the bed, grabbing my foot and kissing the arch. I just lay on my back, limp, not even pretending to pull away.
When it comes to these Lawsons, resistance is futile.
"Sooooooo...what did I miss?" he grins. "What's got you pinning my girl down in a fury?"
Mac throws a pillow at him. "Your girl? I tell you what's got me pinning your girl down to get answers. You! You are such a dumb-ass! You proposed? But not really? Another fake marriage? Jesus Christ, Leed! How fucking stupid can you be? I thought Adam gave the world's worst proposals!!!"
Leed pinches my big toe and bends it to view the turquoise polish. "Pretty," he comments, then, "You told her?"
"Not me." I point a finger to Kat. Leed laughs a little tightly. "You hate secrets as much as me, don't you, Little Sister?"
"Yeah, especially ones about fake marriages," she says with a mischievous lilt in her voice.
"This...is...not...funny!" Mac pants. "What the hell is going on? What's all this about a Dom? When?"
No one says anything. Mac lunges for Leed at the bottom of the bed. "Start talkâ" she gasps, grabbing her stomach as she sinks on her knees. We all watch as Mac seems to clench all over.
"Macaroni," Leed says slowly, "Is that a contraction?"
She shakes her head, breathing slow. "Not a real one. Just a Braxton-Hicks contraction because I moved too fast. But goddammit, somebody better fucking explain before you give me a fucking stroke!"
Her face does look alarmingly red. Shit.
I hold up my hands. "Okay...look. Nobody knows anymore about my experience as a sub than you do, Mac. I don't want to get into the details, but...I'll tell you how it began. It started when you all went to Portland to write the second album. I got all mixed up, emotionally. I was taking drugs to kill the pain in my head, and I was miserable that I couldn't feel...anything else. I was...trying to feel something. He thought he could get my drug habit in balance and stop my headaches with...discipline. He thought submission would cure me, and for awhile I thought that too. He was wrong, or maybe he never thought that at all and was only telling me what I was so desperate to hear. I don't know. I just know that kind of...experience...it wasn't for me. It was an awful few months. I've put it behind me. It's over. It's all in the past except for the scars I carry, okay?"
"What scars? What does Kat mean, he cut you up? What did he do!?!?" Mac screeches. "Who the fuck are we even talking about?"
"She doesn't want to talk about all that," Leed says softly.
Mac is rising on her knees again. "Well too fucking bad! This is the kind of shit that has to be talked about!" Mac pulls me to a sitting position by my shoulders. "Ashlynn, you can't just...pretend something like that didn't happen. Believe me..."
"I know. I'm not. I'm just not talking about it tonight, with you all. I talk to my therapist, okay? Just like you talk to yours. I deal with it my own way."
"But...but..." Mac is frantic, looking from me to Kat to Leed. "But what does Kat mean, he's stalking you?!?!?"
I throw a hand over my eyes and flop back on the bed, exasperated and ashamed and overwhelmed.
Suddenly, I feel a wave of anxiety pouring from my brain, making my heart accelerate and my stomach clench in nausea.
Tiny dark hooks of pain are sinking around the edges of the anxiety, reaching for a deeper foot-hold in my head. "I can't...I..." I mumble. "I need to...to...to..."
I can't find the word.
Beside me, I feel Kat's hand wrap around my arm, but then her grip seems to disappear and all sensation blurs for a second.
"Hey," Leed is saying. Somehow, now my head is in his lap. How did that happen? "Ashlynn. Can you hear me?"
I reach for his strong shoulders, pulling myself to a sitting position. His eyes are searching me, but they are steady. "Ashlynn, baby? Say something." I stare into his calm pools. Like magic cauldrons. There is help there. He gives me back the word I lost.
"Sleep." I manage to say.
Kat lets out a little sob, beside me. "She's okay," Leed murmurs, smoothing my air. "You're okay. You're fine, baby. You're just tired and up too late, is all."
I nod. "Yes. I can't do this, right now. I need to sleep."
Leed's face relaxes, I think because my words are working again. He nods. "Five minutes down the elevator to our suite, and you can sleep." He looks at Kat. "You, Little Sister, are on my shit-list a little bit. Stay here, make sure Mac doesn't go into labor from the bombshells you just dropped, and try to answer her questions as best you can Mac...just...I'm sorry...Iâ"
"Of course," Mac says quickly. "Go. Take care of Ash."
Mac pats my back as Leed tries to scoop me up. "No. I'm fine. Just tired. I'll walk."
"I'm sorry," Kat's voice is tear-soaked. "This is my fault for upsetting you..."
I shake my head and hug her as I slide off the bed. Leed is right there, moving smoothly with me in case I need support, but I don't. I'm okay.
As we make our way through the suite, I'm vaguely aware of Ollie crying and Tam's voice. She seems agitated and her anxiety is contagious but both Ollie's cries and her voice are moving off into the distance. Beside me, Leed sounds like he's in a hole. "Not now, Tam. Ash isn't feeling well. I'll explain in the morning..."
My legs feel heavy like they don't want to move. I stop. I just need a...
Leed is holding me to his chest and I'm staring at us in a mirror. No, in a mirrored elevator.
He carries me from the elevator and into a darkened room, placing me on a bed.
He leans over me. "Can you talk to me?" he asks. "I don't know what to do. I'm scared now. You blacked out twice. Should I get a doctor, or take you to the hospital?"
I'm drowsy and disoriented and too tired to explain to Leed that a doctor or a hospital can't do anything. "Get Trace," I say, but I'm not the one that needs him. He's for Leed, because I don't have the energy to explain.
Trace is in the suite in now. I hear Leed speaking hurriedly as Trace sits down on the bed. He switches on the light. "Do you know me?"
I smile weakly. "You're my ex. Neighbor or husband, take your pick."
"Cute. You know where you are?"
"In Nashville. At the..." I have to think a minute. "The Omni."
He nods and points to Leed. "Know this guy?"
I close my eyes. "The Lion of Soundcrush? I think I've seen him on tv a couple of times..."
"Not funny, Sunshine." Leed sounds harsh because now that Trace is here, he's letting himself freak out a little.
"Sorry," I say hoarsely. "Can I have some water? And can you turn off the lamp?"
"Why, does your head hurt?" Trace again.
"Yeah." The lamp switches off and we are in shadows.
"How bad?"
"Four ibuprofen bad." Actually, it hurts one Vicodin bad, but I don't say that.
Trace puts an unopened bottle of water in my hand. I know what he's doingâtesting to see if I can open it...if my coordination has returned. I twist off the top and drink. Leed is already back from the bathroom handing me four round brown pills. I look at them with regret, wishing they were one white oval pill.
No, you don't Ashlynn. It's never one white pill. It's an endless blur of white pills and then you move on to the pretty colors.
Trace pats my leg. "You're okay."
"I know." I say. I'm not. I'm an addict, with an excuse to want a fix.
"I don't know," growls Leed. "What's happening?"
"It's called a focal, or partial, seizure," Trace explains to Leed as I keep my eyes closed in the dark. "Part of her brain seizes but not enough for her to have tremors or dramatic seizure symptoms. Cam figured it out a long time ago, but the doctors don't really believe she has epilepsy because they've never caught a seizure on the EEG, just some increased brain activity which alot of people have. Most of the time the only symptoms she has from the seizures are the aphasia and headaches, but when she's really tired or stressed...or...overmedicating...they get worse...she sometimes zones out or even blacks out for a few seconds. Or sometimes she would have a hard time recovering her motor skills for a few minutes. Once Cam figured all this out and documented it in a log, the doctors tried her on some epilepsy medicines but none of them reduced the frequency of the episodes or the headaches. The doctors said that brain trauma doesn't always fit the epilepsy models and they went back to treating the pain, not the underlying cause. But the last time she went to the neurologist, a couple of weeks ago...her brain scan was totally normal. Not even any increased activity. So this is a little surprising..." Trace pats my leg again. "I know you're not using, so I can only assume it's stress, right? Did you even sleep last night?"
I shrug. "Couple hours."
"And now it's after midnight," he says. He looks at Leed. "And I guess you guys were up late the night before last, too...and a lot of emotional shit going on the last few days..."
"I get it," Leed growls. "I'm stressing her brain."
"No," I reach for his arm, desperate for him to see. "Not you. Just...circumstances. Not you, okay?"
Leed lets out an explosive sigh, but says nothing.
"I'm sorry about your headache, hon," Trace squeezes my hand. "This is a minor setback, but it doesn't mean you are moving backwards, okay? I bet a good night's sleep will set you straight again."
I return the squeeze and he slips away. He and Leed murmur in the living area, but Leed is back quickly, leaning over me. "You are used to sleeping alone. You'll rest better if I sleep on the couch."
"No." I grasp his forearm, afraid he'll insist. All I want is him beside me, but my head hurts too badly to argue about it. "Here. With me. Please." My voice is shaky and emotional, surprising even me.
"Fuck, Baby, don't cry. I'm right here." Soft rustles let me know he's undressing and within seconds he's sliding in beside me. He's very sweetâunlike two nights ago, when he took charge and manipulated my body into a sleep position against him, now he softly asks me to show him exactly how I normally sleep. I turn over on my left side and pull a second pillow to my chest. He spoons me from behind, putting no weight on me. I reach behind and grab his arm, drawing it over my chest, pressing his palm against my heart. He makes a small, urgent sound and leans up, kissing my cheek very softly.
"I love you, Ashlynn. I would take this pain from you if I could, but Trace is probably right, sleep is the best healer."
"I'm sorry," I whisper. "This is not what I want it to be like..."
"Don't stress. Just rest easy," he coos.
I lay still with Leed's strength supporting me. I melt into him, and I am able to hide from the pain, but sleep doesn't come easy. My body is now craving a different oblivion. I tell myself no, and no, and no, I don't have any pills and I wouldn't take them if I did, and eventually, Leed's steady breathing calls me, drawing me down into sweet, dreamless, painless sleep.
Did the night end differently than you expected? Or was Ashlynn's setback inevitable given the tumultuous few days she's been through?
What do you think happens between Ashlynn and Leed in the morning?
Spoiler--next chapter is Leed's POV. Mac and Tam both give him a hard time but for completely different reasons, and he's conflicted about how to move forward with Ash....