I'm trying to get a double update out to you today...I'm about 2/3's finished with the next chapter. I'm pretty sure y'all will be wanting it....
Ashlynn
Over the next few days, Leed and Ollie and I feel like a family. After Leed's uncomfortable meeting at Colossus, he only wants to focus on fun. Every day is a baby wonderland, the three of us blowing soap bubbles or rolling balls or playing hide and seek around the house. Baby yoga, of course, and Ravi yoga, too, while Ollie watches.
When I tell Leed that Ollie's library is perhaps a little bit lacking in age-appropriate material--we have two shape and color board books, and a custom painted bookcase full of Harry Potter and Grimm's Fairytales and Aesop's Fable and dozens of other beautiful gifted books that Ollie isn't ready for, Leed declares it Cub's Day Out and suggests we head to lunch and the book store.
Within the hour, my new security has arrived.
Apparently he was looking for an excuse to try out my new security under his supervision. First up is West Barrick, who apparently will supervise my complete unnecessary detail. He's an ex-army buddy of Ben's that was eager to join the SCIC security situation. John recommended him, and Leed trusts John and excessive force, and that's how I ended up with this 6-foot-5 wall of completely inconspicuous bearded beefcake.
Despite having approved him, Leed is very protective when West arrives at the house. I suggest we have some get-to-know-each-other tea while we wait on Ollie to wake from his morning nap, and Leed pelts West with questions to which I'm sure he already knows the answers. I learn that West grew up in Arizona, did a couple of years of college before joining the army, completed three tours, is highly decoratedThis is his third assignment supervising a security detail. His other two principals were actually famous in their own right, one pop star and one actress...both moved out of the country. He didn't want to relocate to London or Tuscany, which is why he moved on from supervising their details.
All of Leed's questions sound normal, but the problem is, he never looks at West once the whole time we are talking. He's watching my face intentlyâto the point that it's becoming rude, the way he doesn't make eye contact with West. Finally, when he asks West very casually if he's ever run into me beforeâlike in a club or whateverâI realize what he's doing.
West sits down his cup and looks between us. "Uhhm, not that I recall. Why? Do you know me?" he looks at me quizzically.
"No, excuse us a minute, I need more honey off the shelf," I say, grabbing Leed by the arm and hauling him into the butler's pantry.
"Oh my god, Leed," I hiss. "Really?"
Leed rakes a hand through his hair, braces hands behind him against a shelf and looks at me with amused green eyes. "What?"
"You know what. You can't...do this."
"I can, and I will. If you won't tell me who hurt you, then I have to look at every dude with a W initial as a credible suspect. I don't think this guy is really the guy, considering his work history would hardly allow him the free time, but still...I have to make sure."
"And you think you can make sure by gauging my reaction to him?"
"Yes," he says smugly. "West isn't the guy. Is he?" He leans in like he's an Inquisitioner. "You swore to tell me."
I narrow my eyes at him, ready to tell him off. I want to argue that I swore to tell him if my ex-dom "invaded" my lifeâwhich to me implied some threat of force against me. I do not feel like I swore to answer in the positive or negative to Leed's every query about men with the initial W. Moreover, I want to remind him that I'm not a fresh-faced innocent, that I made not quite a few men think I was wildly attracted to them and none were ever the wiser to the truth that they disgusted me. I want to explain that it's only because I love Leed and trust him, that I'm open and (mostly) transparent with him.
Then, I reconsider. Maybe it's better to let this go. Let Leed think my ability to deceive is as bad as his. I never want to lie to Leed, but I may very well run into him, and I can't let my reaction betray me if there's no longer any threat.
"No, of course West is not him," I scowl and grab the honey off the shelf.
Leed puts a hand on the pantry door, keeping it shut as he leans down over me. "You're adorable when you're angry."
"You're insufferable when...you know what? Pretty much all the time."
"You love me anyway. Let's kiss and make up." He keeps his hand on the door and shuffles closer to me, crowding me against the door, pouring the words down my ear canal, like he thinks we are going to get something started in the butler's pantry while West waits.
I roll my eyes at him. "If you don't get out of my way, I'm going to dump this honey over your head. Then you'll have to shave the rest of your hair off to get rid of the sticky mess."
He jerks his faceâand hairâaway, like I slapped him. "You wouldn't dare."
The lid of the new jar twists off with a threatening pop. "Try me."
Leed snorts, but he opens the door for me and makes a grand "after you" gesture.
After that, Leed is totally chill with West. He strolls back into the kitchen, pours another cup of tea, munches a handful of pumpkin seeds and says, "Sorry, West. I guess it's pretty obvious we're in a little tiff. Don't let our bizarro mood put you off, we're generally pretty normal."
West raises his hands, "Hey, I've seen it all." He slings a hand around the kitchen, which is filled with baby paraphernalia and fresh greens to be juiced. "So far, this might be the most normal environment I've ever worked in."
Leed continues to charm, but he switches his attention from West to me, as we leave the house, with Wes driving the Mercedes and Leed and I sitting in the back with Ollie. By we finish lunch at the Bliss Bowl, I'm no longer the slightest bit annoyed with him. I realize he's just looking out for me in the only ways he feels like he can. We have a wonderful outing at the book store and another fun evening making dinner and hanging out at home.
So when Leed finds me crying in his bathroom after he puts Ollie to bed, he's way more alarmed than he should be. "What's wrong?" he's scanning me, the counter, my phone screen for possible explanation.
I show him the video I recorded while he was reading to Ollie. "You are so stinking cute and wonderful with him!" I wail. Leed "awwww, Sunshine's" me as he wraps his arms around me and peppers my tear-stained face with kisses.
Later in bed, when Leed is spooning me, he murmurs. "I'm so thankful for you, baby. I hope you are going to be in my life and Ollie's for a long time."
I don't know how to respond to that, so I simply say, "Me, too. What do you want to do tomorrow?"
"Take Ollie to the aquarium. I think he'll like all the colorful tanks, you know? What do you think? Sound like fun?"
âââââââââââ
The aquarium was terrific fun.
The backlash, not so much.
The day after our trip to the aquarium I walk up from the yoga studio to find Miranda hurrying to make Ollie a breakfast bottle in the kitchen, as she holds Ollie close to her chest. Even more disturbing, I hear Leed yelling in the distance. Really yelling.
I pause at the entrance to the kitchen, my ears trying to discern Leed's words, which are wafting from somewhere on the other side of the house. The music room, I think.
Miranda looks like she might cry as she meets my eyes. "I swear it wasn't me."
"What in the world's going on?"
She points to the computer on the kitchen desk, where a picture from our outing yesterday is displayed. From across the room, my reaction is to smile at the shotâ Leed, sex-on-a-stick in head-to-toe black and aviators, with Ollie peaking over baby sling on his Daddy's front. Leed's hand is firmly grasping mine as I match his stride and his stoic expression. It was only one pap that followed us to the aquarium but he reduced me to a bundle of nerves besides Leed's swagger, by asking me over and over if I was pregnant. In the photograph you can't see my anxiety. I looked confident in my skinny, ripped jeans and ankle boots, and my oversized sunglasses hid any quaking on my part.
Unfortunately, the caption on the picture claims that my asymmetrical, tasseled, bulky sweater was also hiding my baby bump. I minimize the picture and am horrified to see the title of the gossip article is Move over Mama, Stepmom's Got This! Leed Lawson in Double Baby-Mama Drama!
My stomach turns over as I read. Each paragraph is more nauseating than the last.
It purports that Tam and I are in a bitter rivalry for Leed's affection. That I intentionally got pregnant to level the playing field between us. That Tam is suffering from post-partum depression and is struggling to bond with Ollie while I'm doing everything I can to show her up as a mom and destroying her relationship with Leed. There's even a supposition that Bodie's estrangement from the band is because Leed ditched his pregnant cousin for me.
All exaggeration and lies, but there's enough truth in it to feel like a sharp crack across the face. The general theme of the article is that there is bad blood between Leed and Tamara, because I am crowding the parent relationship. Ironically, nothing is said of Ben or of Tamara being married. Plenty is said about a heated argument Leed and Tam in Nashville, in which Tam supposedly professed her love to him and Leed cruelly told her it was too late because he loved me more than he ever knew he could love her.
There was plenty of tension between Leed and Tamara in Nashville, yet no public confrontation that I saw, no declarations of love on Tam's part. I was with him nearly every moment. I know they had angry words at the hotel. I had assumed it was in private. My heart stutters anxiously with horror as I imagine how Tam will be upset by this article.
Especially if some of the sentiments ring true.
I can't imagine having to cope with the embarrassment of Leed's rejection being splashed all over the Internet.
Leed is coming nearer, yelling at someone on the phone. "Some of that shit is way too close to home, Marcy, but it's definitely not the nanny. It all went down in Nashville before she was hired. Which means somebody on Madam's new Nasvhille crew is talking out of turn." He listens. "No, do not bother Mac with this shit. She has a three week old baby to worry about. You find the fucking leak, even if you have to get on a plane to Nashville!" Leed listens some more. "Fine. I'll talk to Tam about it. If she's agrees, I'll do them all, set the record straight. Fallon, Cordon, Meyers. Sure, Ellen too. I can't have them going after Tam like this, saying she's not good with Ollie."
Behind me, I hear Miranda make a squeak of relief as the bottle warmer beeps. She snatches up Ollie's breakfast and scurries out one kitchen opening before Leed stalks in the other, brooding like a thundercloud. He gestures at the computer screen with his phone. "Can you believe that bullshit?"
"No, and I'm sure Tam won't believe any of it."
He squeezes both of his temples with his large left paw. "Well, half of it she knows is true, because the argument disclosed by an inside source was fairly spot on. I don't know who the hell overheard it, though."
The grinding in my gut becomes acutely sharp. "She...she said she loves you? That she wants to be a family?"
Leed drops his hand, his eyes boring into me. "No," he shakes his head gently. "It wasn't like that. She's in love with Ben, but she's clearly very jealous of you. She'd rather you weren't in the picture. I think it's just...biological. I'm the father of her kid. Of course she wants to keep me close, and loyal to her."
I sigh. "It's selfish, Leed. She can have love with Ben, and you can't have that me? How is that fair?"
He draws me up from the computer desk and wraps his arms around me. "It's not. But she's a new mom and it's a stressful and hormonal and crazy time in her life, and her emotions are all over the place. I lost my temper with her in Nashville, and I have to do better than that. For Ollie's sake."
I hug him tightly. "I bet there has never been a more patient, more understanding Baby Daddy in the whole world than you."
He splays his hands on my back, rubbing firmly. "Not true. Adam wins that contest, hands down."
The churn in my gut eases as Leed's embrace softens every tense muscles and fades every gnawing anxiety in me. "Okay. You and Adam tie."
He draws me even closer, whispers in my temple. "You're the woman I love. The only one. Need you to be clear on that. If you're not, tell me how to prove it."
I beam up at him. "I'm crystal, when you sex me like last night. And hug me like this."
He drops his head to my shoulder with a weary moan. "I'm fucking glad, because I need to call Tam and do some damage control. And it smells like I really need to take the diaper pail outside before we die of toxic fumes. When did this become my life?"
I laugh. Tam and Leed's commitment to use cloth diapers on Ollie is admirable, but the amount of dirty diapers that pile up in a few days is truly horrific.
"I already sent a text to the diaper cleaning service for a pick up. Hey, listen...maybe we should go out tonight. Miranda and Sawyer are both at the house tonight, right? It would be fun to get out, hit a party or a club or something. You'll feel more like yourself if you put your frontman mojo on for a night. I'll even wear something slinky and hopefully lay all these baby bump rumors to rest."
He gives me a heated green gaze. "I would love to show you off, Sunshine."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah." He squeezes my hips, rocking me back and forth. "You sure?"
"I've been sober for over ten months, Leed. I feel like my brain is rewired. I don't have drug cravings anymore. Somebody doing lines in the bathroom isn't going to make me relapse."
He takes my head in his head, tilts it up. "Hey. I know that. I am not worried about your sobriety. I only meant, the paps, the scene. It's overwhelming, and I want you to be comfortable in my world."
"I want to be in your world, so I need to get comfortable there," I reason.
The Sexiest Man Alive gives me his most sincere smile, and my stomach does more weird things, but now it's more of an energetic flutter than a grinding discomfort.
ââââââââ
After a quick trip to my condo around lunchtime, I realize I don't own anything slinky except the dress I wore to Tam's rehearsal dinner. Nearly all off my night-out dresses are baby-doll or boho styleâeven the shorts ones are somewhat shapeless or have full skirts, which will probably only fuel pregnancy rumors. I send Leed a text, telling him I need to make a quick boutique run before I return to his place. He replies:
Not without me or West, please.
I'm irritated by that. I'm not used to an entourage. I scooted out the door of Leed's without even thinking to bring West along to my place. I want to surprise Leed with whatever dress I choose, so I don't want him to come with me. I don't want to take the time backtrack to Leed's and pick up West, but the thought that I might have to fend off an aggressive pap like the one at the aquarium...it makes me automatically turn towards Leed's house instead of ignoring his request.
Fortunately, my shopping doesn't take too long. I love the first dress I try on...a three quarter sleeved, skin-tight, plunging-neck stretch mini with a solid black top and a grey diamond motif skirt. It's very comfortable, yet still very sexy, and it leaves no doubt that my stomach is flat. Or that my booty is not. I predict Leed will love it.
A few hours later, my prediction is right. Leed looks like less like a lion and more like a salivating wolf as I preen for him in his bathroom, fully made up. I'm wearing a silver lariat necklace that drops into my cleavage and knee high black suede boots to complete the outfit.
"Holy mother of god, Hotness." He grabs my ass. "Forget about going out. We are staying in, and you are giving me a private show. That reminds me, I need to have a pole installed in the yoga studio..."
"Shut up.I worked for hours to look like this and you want me to work a pole?"
He bites his lip. "I'm teasing. Where are my manners?" He kisses my hand. "You look incredible, and I am so proud to be your date tonight."
"Well, I had to keep up with you." I lean back gesturing at his hotness.
He rolls his eyes, but the way he bites his lips, lets me knowâhe knows exactly how good he looks. He's wearing a tight white Tâvintage, Nirvana, the one with the faded angel on itâa tight shiny grey blazer, grey jeans, and white soled dress shoes. I run my hands through his hair...
"Why Mr. Lawson, I do believe your hair is looking a little longer these days."
He swings to the mirror, fluffing, tugging, scowling, sighing. "It'll do."
He's hired a limo with a driver since we are going into LA. "So listen, I was thinking...we might as well make Trace happy tonight and do a little networking. I called Moran earlier to find out what he's up to tonight. He said there's an industry party we should stop by. The video production company we used on Ties That Bind and Liars Last is giving a client appreciation party. That kind of thing is good for networking, but typically they keep the press out front so that clients can actually enjoy the party. I figure it's a perfect minor event to introduce you to the industry scene, before we hit the Grammy's. Just an hour and then we can move on to a private date. What do you think?"
I keep my expression neutral. I know Leed is under pressure to network, so I need to be supportive of that. I want to be supportive of that, no matter what fears I might have of running into him.
"I'm with you, where ever you want to go," I beam.
Leed and I flirt and drink some non-alcoholic champagne as we ride to god-only-knows. Well, god and every hired driver in LA, because the limo line to wherever we are going is endless. As our pull up to the event entrance and it's our turn to spill out and shine, I'm suddenly nervous. There is an actual red carpet, and hordes of media. A very long queue of very famous artists and celebrities stand behind a velvet rope, each waiting their turn to be photographed at the "step and repeat" media wall.
As our turn arrives, and someone opens Leed's door, and I gaze out into the press of people at the entrance, my body floods with adrenaline just like I was pummeled by a forceful wave at the beach. I'm clammy, my heart is racing, my throat feels tight, and I have an overwhelming urge to push open the opposite door and flee into the darkness beyond the queued up limos.
Leed senses my anxiety, but he mistakes the reason. "First red carpet. It's crazy, I know. But the paps are behind security and only the legitimate press will be at the media wall. No one will ask anything too invasive there; they would be too afraid of Marcy's backlash. If anyone is bold enough to ask you a personal question, deflect. Just say, you're enjoying your time in LA, looking forward to the party tonight, that kind of stuff. You'll do fine. You are the picture of grace." He kisses my hand and slides from the seat, waiting for me to exit so that he can take my hand.
I'm trying to force myself to follow him on to the red carpet, when every instinct in my body is telling me to flee the other way. I'm looking past Leed, to the barricades where dozens of security personnel are keeping the paparazzi from slipping into the legitimate press area and celebrities and industry types are meandering into the event entrance. My gaze is locked on a man I told myself I was prepared to see again.
I was wrong.
Lots of interesting things happening in the next chapter....coming very soon!