That's right! Time to hear from our favorite bad-ass, who has a surprising twisty-ton of drama to deal with in this chapter. (Some of it false drama but it leads him to a truth he's been hiding from...)
This is one of those cringe-worthy-everything-that-can-go-wrong-does-go-wrong chapters. Very fun and a little challenging to write, but I think I covered everything...so much truth coming out in this chapter...it's long, enjoy...
The song for this chapter...Drop In The Ocean by Ron Pope. I know it may sound a little weird, but I feel like this is a song that speaks to how Trace feels for Ross. It's a very conflicted song about man who isn't quite sure whether a love is a blessing or a curse, but he can not leave it behind, and there fore he has to hope something good comes from it. After all these many years of therapy, and Ross proving that he is sober and stable, I think Trace has moved from hate to hope when it comes to the father that raised him...
BTW, I cried a little bit in this chapter writing one particular paragraph. Leave me comments if you feel me and find my cry-lines...
Trace
We aren't in the Ballard's house five minutes before my bullshit radar is going off.
Ellen does not look sick. I've seen her sick...she had a lupus flare a couple of years ago, and she seems much healthier right this minute than she did back then.
But even though she looks healthy, she seems...weird. She seems very nervous that Leed and I are here. Like, what did she think? She's sick, our girls are in a panic, and we would just throw up deuces and let them hop a plane while we drink more Foster's and work on our tans halfway around the world? I have no idea why neither Kat, Ash, nor Ellen thought Leed and I would be concerned about this situation, but obviously we love Ellen and we're here. For whatever.
None of that trips my bullshit indicator like the fact that Mike is no where to be seen, and when I ask, she tells me he's on a golfing trip in Florida.
What? She would call her daughters back from halfway around the world but she hasn't picked up the phone and told her husband who is four hours away that she needs him?
But before I can even finesse a little more information, Ellen is picking up her purse, shoving glasses in it and rummaging for her keys, looking anxiously between Kat and Ash, then giving us guys a cursory glance. "I'm so sorry, but I really need the girls to come with me to this doctor's appointment. They said I should come as soon I could, they'll fit me in...I know you all must be exhausted, it's such a long flight..."
"No we're fine," Ashlynn says quickly. "Private jet. We all slept comfortably. Everyone's good." She puts an arm around Kat, who adds. "Yes, we're fine."
"Don't lie Ballards A & B," Leed snaps, coming over to peer at Ellen. "They are worried. Really worried. In fact, so am I. You look...frantic. I'll drive."
"I'll drive. You drive like a maniac when you are torqued," I tell Leed.
Ellen looks between us, and bursts into tears. "You are such good boys. My girls are so lucky. I don't worry about their futures anymore..." She flaps her hand, rummaging in her bag for one of those little packs of tissues that her generation always seems to carry. She dabs delicately at her perfect make-up. "I'm so sorry."
That does kind of scare me. It's almost like she's thinking she's not going to be around to see their futures.
"It's okay," I tell her. "You're gonna be okay. You're the strongest woman I know and we're here. We'll stay. Whatever you need."
That makes her cry harder as she comes to embrace me. "Of course, it will all be okay, Trace. Don't you worry. I'm not worried. Just a little nervous." She glances at Leed and squeezes my arms. "You're very good in a crisis, Trace. I know you will...be very helpful." She clears her throat and dabs at her eyes again. "It shouldn't take long. There's no need for us all to go. Will you boys take care of dinner? Maybe order something? Girls, we really need to go."
She hustles Ash and Kat out the door leaving Leed and I staring at each other.
He rakes his hand through his long hair, pulling it back with the elastic on his wrist. "That seem weird to you?"
"Sketch as fuck," I agree, pulling out my phone to call Mike. He fucking declines me after a couple of rings. Also sketch as fuck. Dads don't decline their daughter's boyfriends. Especially rock star boyfriends who could have dragged their daughter into any kind of random drama at any time of the day or night.
While I'm shooting Mike a text, Maneater begins to play on Leed's phone. That's Mac calling. I give him the chin tip and he puts it on speaker.
"Hey Macaroni, you're on speaker with Trace."
"Where are Ash and Kat?" she snaps, all business. She's rustling around, and I can hear Lennon babbling happily in the background.
"They hustled out to a doctor's appointment the second we walked through the door."
"So you guys are alone?"
"Yep."
"Okay, so...you're really sticking with this story about Ellen being sick?"
"Its...not a story?" Leed asks hesitantly, but our eyes meet in grim suspicion.
"Oh, it's a story alright. But I guess it's a story you are being fed, too."
"What the fuck are you talking about, girl?" I ask, my bullshit radar pinging at full blast now.
"I just found Lennon coloring my purse with a very interesting marker. Said she found it in one of the bathrooms."
"So?" Leed snorts. "You've got a million purses. What's the big fucking deal?"
"It's not a marker, dumbass."
Both of our texts alert. The picture Mac sends is greeted with complete silence on our end.
I've gotten a lot of weird fucking pictures over the years, especially on my old number that I sometimes gave to chics, but this is the freakiest photo I've ever gotten.
A pregnancy test with the word PREGNANT glaring bright as fucking day.
My heart starts hammering and my brain goes to the place that would actually piss me off the most.
"Row," I say. "Goddammit, I knew this was going to happen. Motherfuck. It's Row. Matt is going to kill Riley. She's way too young. He's still hoping this impulse marriage will play itself out."
"It's not Row," Riley's voice is cold. "And she's not any younger than your girl, mate."
"Shit, Macaroni, why didn't you tell us he was on speakerphone? Where's the fucking etiquette?" Leed snaps.
"Sorry, I'm a little busy decontaminating my daughter of the pee that belongs to one your knocked up girlfriends."
Adam laughs. "Lennon tried to eat the damn thing when I told her it wasn't a marker. Mac lost her shit. It was classic."
"Goddammit. Who the fuck else is on your end?"
"Just the three of us. And Lennon."
I'm still not buying. It has to be Row. She's the only one that makes sense. Neither Ash nor Kat are the kind of girl to have a slip up. Row, on the other hand...
"Okay. Riley, are you fucking sure it's not Row? Because she's all over the place since the accident. She's depressed that she can't play anymore, she's grasping...she misses Bridge. I could see her thinking a baby would make her happier..."
"She's not all over the place. She's not desperate or depressed. She tells me she's happy learning the business end, and I believe her. You think she's off just because she doesn't act like a punk anymore. She's just grown up and you don't handle change well, mate. And yes, I'm sure. I asked her. My wife would not lie to me about something like that."
"I hear you, man, butâ"
"Trace," Leed's voice is almost hoarse with grimness. "It's not Row. You said yourself, this whole sick mom thing is sketch as fuck. It's one of the girls. That's why we are here. They called their mom in a panic and...shit...she had them rush home...either for confirmation or..."
"To take care of it," Mac says bluntly.
"Jesus, Shorty," Adam chides. "Neither Ash or Kat would make a decision like that without telling them."
"I'm not so sure, considering Trace can't even entertain the idea and Leed sounds like a dead man walking."
"I do not sound like I just heard a death sentence," Leed sighs. "I'm just a little bit pissed at the deception here. You know how much I hate secrets. So here's my take. Riley? Come on man. Just give it up. I know you fucking know. You always fucking know."
"I don't."
"Bullshit," I supply before Leed can, and we exchange a grim smile.
"I don't know which one is pregnant. Here's what I do know, so far. Ashlynn asked me for Kade's contact info today. Said she had a medical question. But Kat bought the pregnancy test."
"Kat bought the test? You're sure?" I'm trying to keep my voice even, but even I can hear the emotion in it.
"Checked her Amex. A small amount of cash at a local chemist shortly before you lot left. I saw her when she came in with it. She seemed...nervous. More nervous than Ash. But Ash is much better at deception than Kat. It's possible that she asked me for Kade's contact info to throw me off Kat's secret. Or it's equally as likely that she sent Kat to the chemist to confuse the issue. Or perhaps they had no mind at all to run games, but whoever is pregnant is just...upset and reacting."
I crack my neck. "Anybody ask Chili?"
"Jesus Christ, Trace. She likes girls." Mac snaps.
Leed is tapping the table, looking at his fingers. "Ash would tell me," Leed says slowly. "She would tell me. Everything in her would want the baby, and she would tell me. She knows it would be okay, between us. She knows how much I love Ollie.We've been talking about moving in togetherâofficially. One household, one life. We've had the family conversation more than once...I haven't been in any rush, but it's a slowly evolving plan. She knows I want to give her the family she deserves. She also know that Tam kept Ollie a secret from me for months...and what a betrayal that was. How hard I had to work to forgive Tam. Ashlynn would never do that to me. She would tell me right away, Trace..." Leed's eyes are green as he looks at me with something deep and bittersweet. Disappointment? Sympathy? I can't tell. "Besides...she has an IUD. The kind that's good for ten years, she said. That's pretty fool-proof birth control."
"Yeah well, Kat has that implant shit. It's good for..."
"Three years," Mac says very neutrally. "I looked at all the options, after Lennon. It's good for three years."
"She had it when we...before we...she got it right before she graduated high school," I say softly.
"That was three and half years ago," Adam says mildly.
"Thank you, Captain Obvious," Mac sighs.
The strangest feeling I've ever felt floods me. It's part fear, part disbelief, part confusion, part...amazement? I don't know. It's definitely not all bad. Like maybe eighty percent terrifying as fuck but a fifth good. Or maybe a quarter good. Fuck. I can't tell.
"Oh. Wow." I say softly.
"Alright, mate, steady there," Riley's voice is calm as always. "Give me a minute to get into this...I'm checking Kat's calendar right now. Okay, alright...she had an appointment in May labeled gyno...an LA address...oh wait, bloody hell, it's doubled booked with a trip to Phoenix. Anybody remember her going to Phoenix?"
"Yeah," I say hoarsely. "Fundraiser. Marianne has an active group of donors there."
"Alright so she went to Phoenix...still checking for a reschedule...nothing the next week..." Silence. "Still looking."
The silence spirals out. It's very heavy. Only when I gasp for breath do I realize I'm the one that should be saying something.
Never in all the time since I have become a rock star is it harder to put on that mantle. I crack my neck. I walk it off. I summon the edge.
"Okay. So it's Kat. Makes sense why Kat would rush home to her mom. We don't talk much about the future...the present is so goddamn busy all the time. She would be freaked," I give Leed a begrudging shrug, "She wouldn't want to cry on Ash's shoulder too much over it. We all know...Ash should be next. Not Kat."
Leed nods. "Ash was crying, before we left. I thought she was just worried about her mom, but I guess it hit her pretty hard. She's ready...Kat's maybe...not. Doesn't seem...fair."
"Trace, you should maybe call Kat, right now..." Mac warns.
"She's not getting rid of my kid without telling me, Mac," I snap. "Maybe you would do that, but she wouldn't."
"Hey. Easy." There's steel in Adam's voice.
"It's okay," Mac says softly.
I wince, realizing that Mac lost a child a year ago.
"Shit, Mac...I'm sorry, baby...I...fuck..."
"It's okay," Mac says again, with much more love and assurance than I deserve in this moment. "You're right, Trace. Maybe I'm just personalizing it, because maybe I would have done that when I was really young, if I had gotten pregnant. But Kat's not a scared teenager. She's twenty one years old and she's lived as an independent adult for years. Most importantly, she knows how much you love her, and she wants a future with you. You're absolutely right. She's freaked out and overwhelmed, but she wouldn't do that behind your back. She's mature enough to know how...corroding a secret like that would be. She's come home to get a confirmation. Probably, she has no idea how far along she is and she wants to tell you with all the information she can get."
"Yeah," I sit down at the kitchen table and look at my spread hands. So much like my old man's hands.
Fuck, will my kid have these same hands? The same bones? The same gifts?
"So...what are you gonna do right now, brother?" Leed asks.
I look up sharply.I crack a grin. "What do you think? I'm gonna man the fuck up like you and be a dad. Well, more like Preacher, I guess. I'm gonna marry her."
"I don't recommend eloping. It doesn't go over well with your father," Riley says dryly. "Fucking rock stars. Like to throw massive parties and make big speeches."
Laughter, claps, and whistles fill the roomâfrom both Leed and the phone.
"I'm gonna have to disagree with Riley," Leed says already pulling a bottle of bourbon from the counter for a celebratory toast. "Small private destination wedding is the way to go. No headache with the LA guestlist, no pap issues...I'm telling you, eloping-"
Leed trails off as the garage door opens but it's too late. "Eloping?" Mike Ballard's voice is clearly irritated, and as he steps in from the mud-room his expression matches. "Who the fuck thinks they are eloping with one of my daughters?"
"Uhhh, yeah, we're gonna have to call you back, guys..." Leed stabs the end button and grabs a third lowball from the class cabinet. "Drink, Mike? We have news. The three of us should...talk."
Surprisingly, another set of footfalls strikes the mudroom tiles. "Better make mine a soda," a familiar voice says.
"Jesus Christ, Mike!" I groan. "Really? Ross is your golfing buddy? How you gonna roll on me like that?"
"Motherfuck!" Leed groans, slamming the glasses down a little too hard on the marble. "That asshole that beat my boy and almost killed my Sunshine? That's a surprising betrayal, Mike."
"Nobody's betraying anybody and no one's eloping!!!" Mike yells. His pale face is turning red. "Everyone just...calm down."
Leed arrests his pour of bourbon. He looks at Ross. He looks at me. "Yeah, that's a good idea. Calm down. Anyway, Ash is gonna rip me a new one for drinking so much on vacation when she looks at my blood sugar record on the monitoring app. How about soda all the way around?" Leed starts rummaging in the refrigerator for limes.
I rise from the table, my fingertips pressed against it. "How long has your bromance been going on? Goddammn, Dad...I'm trying. I'm really fucking trying to meet you in this for mom's sake, but it's like...you're taking everything. My mom. And now...this family. The new family where I'm trying to start over."
Mike and Ross exchange a look. Light and dark, but both with solemn expressions.
"This is my fault, Trace, but we've been reconnecting for awhile. I reached out to your dad, after I learned the truth about Ashlynn's accident. He hurt my daughter. I wanted to confront him and tell him I would do everything in my power to see him go to prison for it. He surprised me by being...accepting of my position. Relieved, even. He said if the police issued a warrant he would turn himself in. I went to Ashlynn while she was in Florida and asked her to file a complaint for assault. She wouldn't have it. She forgave him. Said she had done so many things high that could have hurt or killed people and she was no less guilty of horrible mistakes than he was. She asked me to...try to forgive him. For your sake. I did. I have."
Leed thrusts a club soda in Mike's hand and clinks it against his. "Sounds just like her." He passes a glass to Ross. "Here's to your lucky break, asshole, and my benevolent Sunshine. Maybe you are never gonna get what you deserve for all the pain you've caused. But maybe I should just give you one good ass-kicking. A little karmic blow back. What do you say, Trace? Want me to haul his sorry ass outside and return one good beating he gave you?"
I give Leed an eye roll. The Lion is certainly capable of delivering a beat-down when enraged, but he's in no way serious about this. He's making a point to me, in this poignant moment. About the fact that the pattern of violence needs to stop. Especially if I'm about to be a dad.
I sigh. "No, of course not. I never want violence. You know what. For the record, Ross never exactly beat me. Shoved me more times than I can remember, slapped me good a few times. Mostly he fucking traumatized me, screaming and throwing shit. We had a lot of fist fights when I was older, but I started most of them and did most of the punching. When he would drink and yell at my mom, it would piss me off. But I would wait until he was super drunk to pick the fight, so I could make sure...I'd get my licks in. I sent him for stitches more than once. We are both...abusers, I guess."
All three men in the room give me a surprised stare. I've never been quite so honest about it. I've always focused on what he did to me and my mom. But it feels different now. "What? I am trying, dad. All the counseling with Marley, with you and Mom. Isn't that part of what they preach? Keeping a truthful narrative? Not exaggerating? Not minimizing? Not playing the victim? Keeping everyone honest and holding everyone accountable?"
Ross nods slowly, "That's right Trace." He looks between Mike and Leed. "Every thing he said was true. But it all started with me. I was the adult. I taught him violence. I slapped him when he was five years old. I don't even remember what for...just that I was drunk and angry."
"I remember," I say calmly. "I've had a lot of regression therapy. I was dancing on the coffee table. I knocked a candle or some shit off and then I jumped down in the glass and cut my feet. I was screaming bloody murder and you came running in to save me, but then stopped and stared at the tv. At what had caused me to jump around on the coffee table. I was imitating a Skid Marcs video. You slapped me. You pointed to the tv and you screamed, See what that fucker did to you? Then I started crying, because you had never hit me like that before. And you started crying. And then you picked me up and took me to the bathroom. You picked glass out of my feet...for a really long time. It hurt. And we both cried the whole time. You finished the bottle of vodka, though. I guess it dulled your pain. It didn't dull mine."
Ross looks shocked and unsteady, like I could push him over with one finger. He rubs his lip as he looks into space, searching his memory. "I...I don't remember that."
"I don't imagine you want to. That or you got black out drunk and have memory loss." I say heavily.
"Jesus." Leed crosses to me and sits my soda down. He grips my shoulder.
I look at my brother, as much a brother as if we had been raised together. "Shit's about to get real."
"Yeah, it is. It's time, brother. You gotta stop carrying around these old bones. Lay 'em down." He gestures to the table. "Lay 'em down right the fuck here, and start building something new. Got to." Leed looks pointedly at Mike as he says. "For the kid."
"Kid?" Mike's glass sloshes as he drops it heavily on the table and grips a chairback. He red face pales. "Kid!?!? Jesus, Trace. Is Kat pregnant?"
"I swear to god, Mike, I didn't mean for this to happen. I thought we were covered. She's so busy, I think she forgot her appointment for birth control. It's the kind you implant and forget about...we're not used to having to think about it, you know? It's my fault, though. I shouldn't have put it on her. I should have been more on top of that shit. I wanted to give her plenty of time before...this. But I'm gonna marry her, I swear. I'll ask her today. I'll marry her whenever, wherever, however she wants. No fucking pre-up. It's for real. Forever."
"Trace," Ross says. "Rushing in is never the best plan..."
"I know. Jesus, I know what you are thinking, Dad. We're too young. Too wild. Too irresponsible. I'm too...messed up. History repeating itself. It won't. It's not the same. Growing up, she was my goddamn salvation. Always. She was the thing that kept me sane. Kept me...kind and good. I will never hurt her. I will never hurt my kid. I swear, Mike," my voice will hardly work because my throat is thick with tears. "I promise you, I will never hurt them."
Mike just stares at me a look of shock on his face as I break down.
It's fucking ridiculous, but I feel like I can't breathe, I'm fighting too hard to hold back the sobs. I lock eyes with Ross. "I'm not you. I will not ever...I'm not you...no matter how hard it is...I'm not you...."
I'm coming apart beneath my father's piteous gaze. He moves slowly toward me. I plant my hands on the table. As he approaches, I'm acutely aware of every perception. I can feel Leed squeezing my shoulder and releasing as he backs away. I can feel all of my muscles shaking and the wetness on my face. I can smell the old familiar smell of my fatherâwithout the scotch. He's that close.
I reach a hand out to him, meaning to push him away. I grip his shirt, and he just stands there. I don't push. I just hold on and stare at my other hand on the table, refusing to let it clench into a fist of fear.
"I don't know how to do this."
"Neither did I," he says.
"I'm scared."
"I know, Son."
"What if I'm wrong? What if I am you?"
Very slowlym he puts a hand on my shoulder and turns me toward him. "Trace, look at me." Reluctantly I meet his gaze. He wipes my tears with his thumbs, just like he used to when I was a kid. "You're not. You never were. You never will be. There's a strength in you that it took me a lifetime to learn. I'm so thankful you take after your real father. You are not the man that raised you."
The truth hits me all at once.
"Neither are you. Not anymore."
"No," he agrees and that's when he starts to cry, too.
I haven't hugged my father in more than a dozen years, but it's really not that hard to do. It just happens. I don't know how long we stand there like that. At some point, I realize Mike and Leed are out on the deck, smoking.
"Oooooh, shit," I say, as my father claps me gently on the back and I step away, wiping tears and running my hands through my hair. I stare at Mike's back. "I fucked that up. I was supposed to be manning up to ask for Kat's hand, not getting in touch with my inner child."
"You did better than I did, when I asked your grandfather."
I shoot him a disgusted look. "Let me guess. You were drunk."
He shakes his head in disgust at himself. "Yeah, I was. Come on, the man's showing massive restraint. He's probably got a lot of questions." He gestures, giving me space to move without touching me again.
I appreciate that. One honest moment, one hug, it doesn't fix us. But it's finally a start, I think.
I step up beside Mike. He glares at me and shakes me out a cigarette, then offers one to Ross. After we light, Mike jabs at Leed. "Well, you better start talking. I can't get anything out of him."
Leed holds up his hands, "For once, it ain't my show."
"Okay. Okay. I'm not sure there's much else I can tell you right now, except, Kat's pregnant, and I'm gonna do right by her."
Mike glares at me. "Where is she right now? How is she? What is she saying about this? What does she want?"
"She's with Ellen and Ash, at the doctor's, I think."
"You think?"
"Yeah. I think."
"You didn't think you should go with her?" he shoots back. He looks pissed, but in a weary way, like he's hoping this is all a bad dream.
"I didn't know. It's all messed up, man. We rushed back here from Australia because the girls said Ellen was sick. And then before we could even catch a breath they all swooped out the door."
"What?!?!" now he's shouting, and reaching for his phone.
"No, no, I'm pretty sure Ellen's fine. It was all just a red herring, you know. I guess Ellen got her an appointment. Maybe to check how far along she is or whatever."
"You don't know how far along she is?" Ross and Mike exchange a glance.
"No, I don't know anything."
Mike pinches his temples. "What did Kat say exactly when she told you she was pregnant?"
"That's what I'm trying to tell you. She didn't tell me she's pregnant. She and Ash were keeping it on the down-low the whole way home. Mac called from Australia. The baby pulled the pregnancy test out of the trash. That's how we know."
Ross rubs his chin. "Okay, but how do you know for sure it's Kat that's pregnant? Could it possibly be...Ashlynn?"
"Look, we've already hashed that shit out," Leed interjects. "Ash would tell me. I've already got a kid. She knows we're walking down the family path, eventually. Kat has more reason to be skittish. She's younger, and she and Trace don't talk about that kind of shit yet. Plus, the birth control thing. Seems like from her calendar, Kat missed her appointment. Ash's birth control is current. It's definitely Kat, man. Well, I mean...it's surely Kat." Leed takes a drag a stares into the back yard. He turns to me. "The fruit, though. Did you see how much fruit Ash ate in Australian? That was weird."
I shrug. "Yeah, but that was some good fucking mango."
Leed nods and puffs. "True. But you know what else? Ash looked real good, this week. Like amazingly beautiful."
"Ash is a fucking knock-out, man. What's your point?"
"Just that Tam looked really good when she was pregnant, too. I remember. But..." Leed looks at my dad. "It's definitely Kat that's pregnant. Got to be, right?"
Mike looks at me. Suddenly what I was so sure of seems a little...flimsy. "Yeah, got to be. The birth control thing..." I say. "Although, I guess she could have made a same day appointment that she didn't even bother to put in the calendar...and no birth control is fool-proof, is it?"
Leed pales. "Gimme," he says, gesturing for the pack of cigarettes. He snatches it from Mike's hand and lights another. "No. No way," he rationalizes as he paces. "She would tell me."
Suddenly I have no idea what to think. Or what to feel.
Mike and Ross exchange a long look. "Jesus," Ross mutters. "You guys actually have no real clue which one of them is pregnant, do you?"
"No, they don't. They didn't ask my daughters. They just...hashed it out with their goddamn band."
He makes a sound of disgust and pulls his phone. "Ellen, I'm home. Are you ok, Sweetheart?" He listens. Then he sighs. "I'm with these damn rock stars. One of their friends found a positive pregnancy test left behind in Australia. They think either Ash or Kat are pregnant." He listens for a long time. "How is she?" More silence as Leed and I exchange glances. "Okay, I understand. Yeah, we'll be waiting."
Mike pockets his phone and stares at us in turn. He shakes his head and turns on his heels, like he's just going to walk away.
"Mike," I plead. "Is Kat okay?"
His jaw tenses as he shoves his hands in his pockets. "Kat is fine. Ashlynn is ten weeks pregnant. They removed her IUD, the baby looks healthy."
It's a fucking head trip, how fast the pendulum keeps swinging today. I turn to look at Leed who is staring at Mike in disbelief.
"You got nothing to say, Leed?" Mike asks.
Leed jumps. His cigarette had burned down to his fingers. He snuffs it against his heel.
"Yes, I have things to say. But I...I think I'd like to say them to Ashlynn first, if that's okay with you. And I think before I talk to her, I need to find my chill. I'll be back."
He walks off the deck, toward the driveway.
"Leed! You can't just walk the fuck off from this!" I call after him.
"I'm not. I'm just taking a beat, getting my shit together. Trust me, it will be better this way. This ain't my first rodeo, remember?" he laughs bitterly.
"I guess Ashlynn was right," Mike yells after him. "She told her mother you weren't going to be happy. What about all that big talk from years ago, Leed? You promised you take the L for her? You were always in a loser's game with her, weren't you? Down for the fun times. But now that it's real, you won't work for the win?"
Leed swings around, fire in his eyes. "You want real? Here's what's real. I love your daughter. For a while now, she's been talking moving in. I been thinking it ain't enough. Not for the way I love her.
"I want to give her my name. Give the picket fence. Give her the family times. Give her the world.
"But today, she pulled the world out from under me. She sat on a plane with me for twenty-one hours and lied to my face, making up stories to cover her pregnancy.
"She left me here in the dark. She heard our baby's heartbeat for the first time. Saw our baby moving inside her. Without me.
"She knows I missed all that with Ollie. She knows Tam keeping her pregnancy secret from me was the hardest betrayal I have ever had to forgive.
"I've only ever asked your daughter for two things. To tell me the truth and not to run from me. Today she lied, and today she ran. I love her, but she fucked up. And I'm beyond pissed. I'm hurting.
"I already have baby-mama-drama. All the fucking time. It never ends. Tam and I never see eye to eye, not since the minute Ollie was born. We never really had the love and we each killed the trust a long time ago. I love my son and I will never give up trying to deal decent with his mom, but I'm not going about this the same way with Ashlynn.
"Ashlynn is my forever. Even though she fucked up by shutting me out of the most important moment that's happened to us, I still love her. I still want her. It's just that right now I want to yell at her and throw shit around your house. So I'm gonna walk it off. I know it's a douche move not to be here when she walks through that door, but I have to fuck up a little so I don't fuck up a lot. You understand? I have to walk away in anger, so I can come back in love. And make no mistake, I'm coming back. I'm coming back with a ring. That real enough for you, Mike?"
Mike's mouth twitches. He walks down the steps and into the yard to meet Leed. "That's fair. That's real." He puts out his hand to Leed. "Don't walk too far, Son. My daughter is scared. It's the only explanation for what she did, because I know she loves you, too. I understand you need a moment to deal, but too much distance will only make this worse."
"I'll be back in time for the New Eve's Party."
"Awww, hell no!!!" I yell at Leed. "New Year's Eve is my fucking gig. The anniversary of the first time I kissed Kat. I was gonna use that to propose. I mean. Not this year. Eventually."
Leed grins at me and puts a hand over his heart. "Sorry brother. You shoulda knocked up your girl first." He turns and throws up two fingers as he lopes around to the front of the house. I hear our rental rev and race down the street.
I collapse into a deck chair and stair up at the cloudly, starless sky. My breath shakes sheafs of white into the night.
A chair scrapes as Ross pulls it, and sits with me. Mike thuds heavily back up the deck and collapses opposite.
"You okay?" Ross asks.
"I should feel fucking relieved, right?" I admit to the sky and two of my father figures. "I mean, I do. Mostly. We're not ready. I know that. So why do I feel...like I lost something?"
"You haven't lost anything, Son. You're just storing up a good thing for when you are more ready for it."
"No one's ever prepared," Mike says wearily. "We thought we would make the best parents. I was thirty when Ashlynn was born. We had resources, good sense, we researched all the important issues, sent them to the right schools, chose the right activities. Then, we lost our view on what was most importantâgetting to know our daughters as people, liking them for who they were, not who we wanted them to be. We made so many mistakes, trying to lock down the best lives for them, trying to sculpt them for success. We failed them both, in different ways." Mike lights another cigarette and draws heavily. "To tell you the truth, both you and Leed will probably be better fathers than I ever was. This life you lead, it keeps you young. You'll always be able to see things from your kids' perspectives. You'll experience the joy with them."
"I don't know about me personally, but I can see what you are saying. Matt's a real good father. He fucks up all the time, and does crazy stupid shit that makes me shake my head sometimes, but he can always reach us kids when we need it. Even me, and he didn't even raise me. I got much respect for his perspective."
Ross is nodding his head silently. Something moves me to say, "I'm sorry, that's a pretty shitty thing for you to hear, I guess."
"It's okay," Ross says. "It's honest. I'm glad you have that. An adviser. A father figure you trust."
We sit in silence.
Words come out of my mouth I can hardly believe. "Sooo...I don't know if Mike told you about this New Eve's Party Leed mentioned, but it's a neighborhood block party that Soundcrush is hosting, and playing. Huge shin-dig. We're going all out. It's one of the perks we offered the homeowner's association for putting up with us in the neighborhood. Why don't you and mom come? I mean, you've never actually seen us play, have you?"
Even in the dark I can see Ross blinking in surprise. "I'd love to see you play. I'm sure your mom would like that, too. She's been wanting to see what you guys did with the house..."
"You guys can stay the night if you want. There's like...nine bedrooms now," I gesture with my cigarette at the pool house that added three rooms. "We'll need six, maybe seven at the most if Bodie shows. And my brother. Don't ever know what his noncommittal ass is going to do."
Ross nods. "Do you mind me asking, how are things with him?"
I consider my answer. I used to think he was a bigger douche than Kat's first boyfriend, but when Row ran off with Riley and things went down between Matt and I like they did, well...I'm not sure I'd still be considered a del Marco if it weren't for Street showing me how shit is really handled in that family.
"We cool."
We hear the garage open.
"Girls are home," Mike says. He taps my leg. "Come on, you will be better at explaining Leed's absence than me." He heads in the house.
"Shiiiiiitt," I groan. I look over at Ross. "Save me," I joke. That's another first in a long, long time. Joking with him.
"Hey, the girl is your ex-wife. I'm sorry, I'm not that good at severing those kinds of ties, either," he quips back.
"Mom said you guys are going to have a recommitment ceremony," I say quietly.
"At the new house, after we move in. The date's not set."
"Make sure Riley and Jana the Atlanta PA know. I'm shit at keeping my own schedule anymore," I snuff my cigarette and rise, watching Mike embrace Ashlynn. She's smiling, but she's scanning. For Leed.
"Shit." I crack my neck.
"Trace..." Ross says as I start to walk inside. "This is a family thing." He hooks a thumb around the side of the house. "I'm gonna go."
I press my lips together and nod. He's halfway around the house before I stride down the deck.
"Dad...I..." I sigh. "Shit." I tuck my hands under my arms and find a spot somewhere below my father's gaze. "I don't hate you, you know. I wanted to. I never could. I know Mom thinks the good outweighed the bad...but it has to be all good this time. If I ever see her busted up again, I might lose my fucking shit and kill you. You see? That's what scares me the most."
He nods. "I love your mother. I always have. I can't promise we won't ever bicker or maybe even seriously disagree. But I swear, I will never raise a hand to your mother again. I'm not that drunk bastard anymore, Trace. I swear. Just like you swore to Mike."
I tap the railing. "Okay, then."
My father smiles, and some vague childhood warmth splashes through my brain. "Okay, Son. See you at New Years. Then at counseling?"
"Yeah."
He slides away into the dark.
I stride into the house and head straight for Kat as she pulls a water from the fridge. I put my hands in her silky locks and kiss her forehead. "You had me spinnin' today, Kitty. Thought I was gonna be a daddy for a minute."
Her face softens in sympathy. "I realize now. Bad call, how we handled things. Real bad," she nods as Ashlynn, who is sitting alone at a small desk across the family room, her head in her hands as she looks at a small square piece of paper. Her parents are literally hovering over her.
"Not your call, though," I wrap an arm around her waist. "By the way, I was only like maybe...two-thirds freaked."
She giggles. "Only two-thirds? Wow, you would have done better than Leed."
I stop her behind the wall that separates the family room. "He's not freaked. He's pissed. Ashlynn needs to understand that. It's not about the baby. It's about how she handled things. He'll get over it, though."
"He fucking better. My sister is a goddamn angel to put up with his hippie, man-bun, meditating feelings," she hisses.
I grin at her. "I thought you loved Leed."
"I love him. He's still a weirdo. And I'm fucking pissed that he couldn't swallow his feelings for once and put her feelings first. Kade told her the pregnancy might be ectopic, because of the IUD. She was scared it wasn't viable, and she didn't want to tell him and make a drama over nothing."
I push her against the wall. "Over nothing? That's some bullshit right there. That ectopic pregnancy deal can be a threat to the mother. It can rupture and cause internal bleeding. Women fucking die from that shit. Doesn't matter whether or not the pregnancy is viable. You think Leed didn't need to know, either way, that something serious was going down with Ashlynn's health? You don't think I would want to fucking know?"
She puts both hands on my face. "You were scared today."
I lean my forehead against hers. "For a lot of fucking reasons. Mostly because I thought you were scared to tell me you were pregnant. Which is exactly why Leed is so pissed right now."
"Okay. Learning lesson. If I ever think I'm pregnant, I will tell you first. Before my sister. Before my mother. Before anyone."
"Thank you. And if you ever tell me you are pregnant, you can expect at least...two-thirds joy, one-third terror."
"Oh, wow...that's rapid growth,baby." Her amber eyes are smiling at me.
I give her the chin tip. "It's a growth day.
I kiss her passionately for all of five seconds and then I'm swinging us around the wall. Ashlynn is still staring at her baby's picture.
Ashlynn looks up at me as we approach. "He's not answering my calls. I even sent him a picture of the ultrasound and nothing yet. Oh god, what did I do?" She searches between Kat and I frantically.
I sigh. "Fuck Leed for a minute. First things first. Get your ass up and give me a congratulatory hug. I'm practically an Uncle."
She slaps both hands over her mouth. She's grinning and then stretches them out toward me as she rises. "You are."
I squeeze her warmly. "Great news for me, cause Uncling is part time. You just bought yourself a full time funsucker, Missy."
Just then, she gets a text. She dives for her phone. "It's Leed!" She starts to sob as she shows us the text.
That's a pretty cute Lil Mango we made.
She types back carefully.
Lil Mango? That's what you wanna go with?
He responds immediately.
Yeah. You are what you eat, and that's pretty much all you've been feeding him.
Her fingers fly.
Lil Mango it is. But if he becomes a rapper, it's on you.
Leed:
Rap will be over before he takes the stage.
Hey...you okay?
Ashlynn:
No. Not at all.
Not without you.
Are you ok?
Leed:
Not really.
I'm pissed that you didn't tell me.
I don't want to bring that anger to you right now.
I wanted to walk it off
But I'm parked three doors down.
I couldn't go.
You are my Sun
And your gravity just doubled.
"Jesus, you guys are sappy," I interject. Kat and I are reading over her shoulder.
"Shut-up," Ash, Kat and Ellen all say at once. I jump. I didn't even realize Ellen had joined the creeper party.
Ashlynn is working her phone, hitting a new text stream. She types in Bodie's name and sends a snap of Lil Mango's ultrasound picture with the caption,
Big Surprise!
Leed could use a friend.
Where are you?
The response is immediate.
Wow.
It's a growth year for SCIC.
Congratulations, Sunny.
I'm in the A.
Should I call him?
Ashlynn:
We're in Atlanta, too.
Give us a minute.
She switches streams to Leed:
I'm sorry I hurt you.
I know I messed up.
Let me make something right.
Lil Mango is missing a stray Uncle.
I tossed a lasso his way.
Will you ride out and
See if you can steer him in?
Leed:
You want me to go?
Ashlynn:
I want you to stay.
But I want you whole.
Go get right.
Lil Mango and I have time to kill.
Leed:
Why didn't you tell me?
Ashlynn:
I was afraid it wasn't real.
The IUD made it risky.
I wanted to know
If we were talking baby
Or something sad
Leed:
Ok.
I can see that.
Ashlynn:
I was wrong
You should have been at the appt.
To meet our baby.
Because he is real.
And I already love him.
Leed:
Him?
Ashlynn:
Not sure.
Ollie has a little sister already.
A little brother might be nice.
Leed:
Healthy is all I care about.
Ashlynn:
Our baby will be healthy.
A busted insulin gene
Or an addiction gene
Doesn't matter.
Every person has obstacles.
You are healthy.
I am healthy.
We can teach him
How we overcame.
Leed:
When you say that
I believe it
Ashlynn:
Only because you made me
Believe it first
Leed:
Bodie is calling.
You are making it
Very hard to answer
Ashlynn:
Go.
Come back whole.
Leed:
I love you.
Ashlynn:
We love you, too.
Leed:
Christ.
That sounds sweet.
You and Lil Mango sleep well.
I promise I'll be with you both
To ring in the New Year.
Goodnight, Sunshine.
With Leed's sign off, Ashlynn drops back down to the desk and begins a full-fledged sob.
Michael didn't read the text exchange like the rest of us. He clears his throat and shoots me a questioning glare.
I wrap an arm around Kat as I pat Ashlynn's back.
"It's okay," I assure him and "Or at least...it will be, come New Year's."
I love Lash. I think they are my favorite. I really don't want them to end. But they are SO close now.