Hi Guys! You may have been wondering where in the world your updates were...I've been on a little getaway, but now I'm back! Let's check in with Leed and see how life with baby is!
The song for this chapter is How's It Going To Be by Third Eye Blind. I think Leed, Tam, and Ben are all wondering exactly how it's going to be as they try to navigate their parenting and personal relationships...read on...
Leed
I stumble down the hall to Ollie's room and flip on the switch for the tiny lamp, mumbling "I got him," into the baby monitor so Tam and Ben can stay in bed. Ollie is moving restlessly, kicking his legs and fussing but not full-out calling for us. I rewrap his blankets and put a hand on his tummy, hoping he'll settle. The kid is laid-back; he's already sleeping through the night more than half the time. After a couple of minutes, I get real with the fact that tonight is not one of those nights.
"Alright, alright, be cool little man," I pick him up, grab a diaper and some wipes and hustle down the hall to the kitchen. I put a bottle in the warmer and change his diaper while it heats. In ninety seconds we are kicked back on the couch. Ollie does this weird thing where he tries to avoid taking a bottle nipple, because he would rather have Tam feed him.
"I know, you like the real thing," I murmur, pushing the nipple softly against his puckered, unhappy lips, trying to wet them with a taste of milk. "I'm with ya, man. You're a lot luckier than me, though. You'll be back on the boob in the morning, and I ain't seen no joy in months, except in my dreams. So help a daddy out, okay? Take a little snack, so we can both get back to sweet dreams, okay Ollie?"
Ollie is a real reasonable cat; he understood everything I said, and he accepts the bottle nipple and starts to suck away happily.
I sigh in relief, and I hear a soft chuckle behind me. Ben shuffles around softly in the kitchen, opening and closing the refrigerator. It's the middle of the night to me, but Ben gets up at 0'Dark-Thirty to lift a thousand pounds of free weights a million different ways, four days a week. I know he's in there right now mixing a pre-workout drink.
He brings his shake, tosses a coconut water casually at me, and sits down on the the perpendicular leg of the sectional, combing through his cropped blonde hair as he drinks.
"You're not the only one SOL right now, you know," he says dryly. "Tam and I have had sex exactly one time since she got the all-clear. "
"Dude, normally I'm completely down to swap war stories, but that's my baby-momma you are talking about," I say dryly. I really don't want to hear about Tam and Ben's sex life. I heard the event in question in real time, thanks to the thin walls in Ben's house, and I don't want a recap.
"Yeah, well, she's my wife, and it sucks that she's self-conscious about having sex with me because her baby-daddy is in the next room. We need to have a serious talk, Leed. We are working great when it comes to Ollie, but I think it's time we make a change. We can't go on like this forever."
"Dude, you don't have to tell me that. You need to tell your wife. Because I've tried."
It's true. As much as I can't imagine what it's going to be like not seeing Ollie every single day, I'm with Ben. I know this can't go on forever. Honestly, the longer I stay at Ben and Tam's, the harder it's going to be to make a change. I've been trying to tell Tam this since Ollie was three weeks old. Every time I mention moving back home, she gets unreasonable and starts crying. I have always hated to see her cry, because it's so rare. So I pat her arm, and tell her I was just thinking out loud, and we can talk about it later.
She also gets edgy whenever I leave the house for more than half an hour without her. That is starting to irritate me a little. Ben goes to work, and she's fine. And she's cool with leaving Ollie with me to run her own errands, even though most of the time we go together. But if I step outside solo she acts like I'm going to bolt and never return. If I mention going to get a beer with Trace or something, the plan always gets busted by some urgent need Tam has.
Like last week. I made a plan to go get a coffee with Ash. Of course I lied to Tam and told her I was going to a salon in LA for a consult with some big deal hair stylist, because I was thinking about a shorter style. I thought it was a genius way to get out of the house for a few hours and come back with nothing to show for my time. I could always say I changed my mind about the cut. In truth I had no intention of getting my hair lopped off.
Tam got the better of me, though. She pulled out her damn scissors and said, "I don't trust anybody else to cut your hair, Lee-Lee, you know that..."
And that's how I ended up breaking my coffee date with Ash and also with short hair I didn't even want. It looks alright, but I just don't feel like myself. I haven't had hair this short since I was fifteen. Thank god Soundcrush is on hiatus. It will grow back before I have to be the Lion in public again.
And every time I call Ash, I can almost here the questions she doesn't ask, because she's sweet and understanding and doesn't want to make a big deal, plus she knows I don't have the answers. But in the pauses in conversation, I know she's wondering. How much longer will you be at Tam's? What is going on? How much longer do you expect me to stick around without any good reason?
I've been wondering the same damn things.
But then I'll watch Tam, playing with Ollie, and all my irritation with her just...fades. All the good times we had are there in that awesome little guy we made, and it's damn hard for me to harden myself against Tam's selfish ways right now. She's spent nine months growing our kid, and to be honest, I realize now how very little support I gave her through all of that. Now that Ollie is here, I feel so guilty that I passively let Ben take care of everything and hardly even took the time to make any practical plans with her.
Now I get itâhow much planning and effort is needed to take care of a tiny human being. Now we are all three in the trenches. This whole co-parenting thing is going great, and Tam is terrified to rock the boat. I guess she's afraid I'm going to get some distance and cool off on the idea of being Ollie's dad. That's not going to happen, but I can understand her fears.
Ironically, Ben doesn't seem to share her worries. Ben has been more than unbelievably cool, he's become a friend. Seeing how much love he's got for our son, how much fucking endurance he has for dealing with the sleepless nights, Tam's post-pregnancy hormones, my lanky restless ass prowling all over his house, it's inspiring really. Ben is as big-hearted as Adam and twice the bad-ass that Trace is. Hell, maybe ten times the bad-ass. Dude's been through it in the line of duty before, and I ain't talking about securing celebrities like me. I'm talking about real war. And yet he's chill. He worked with a counselor when he got back from Afghanistan, and he goes to a veteran's support group and his head is straight. He's all about the sweet life nowâworking what he considers a cushy job, lovin' an amazing woman, making a family. I get why Tam loves the dude, now. Hell, I love him.
Right now, Ben is looking at me thoughtfully, thinking about our dilemmaâTam's need for BLT to be stacked tight. "She's just scared, you know. You haven't said a word about custody arrangements. Not knowing what's in the future makes her feel...insecure."
I have to close my mouth, before I pull rank and tell Ben he's way off base.I don't see that quite his way.I've known her a lot longer than he has, and that's the very last thing I would think Tam is worried about. Tam never worries about the future. She's always been about being in the moment, like me. I know Ben and Tam are married, but I'm not sure he's on track with that line of thought.
Still, I got much respect for Ben, so I say, "I hear ya, man. But Tam has to know, that I'm all about keeping this easy. We are family. We don't need lawyers and court decrees and shit to parent our kid right, you know? Unless, you are worried about your rights..."
He puts his hands up. "I don't have any legal rights, Leed. I know that. And I'm not worried, because Tam and Ollie and I are forever, and Ollie is going to see that, feel that, and know that I love him the same as the kids that are going to join him."
I grin. Tam loves the momma life. She's already talking about having Ollie a little brother or sister before he's two. I'm sure part of that is some primal thing, though...giving Ben the chance to have his own biological kid, since he's being so cool about raising mine.
"So what do you think we should do, man? I'm with you, we need to make a change, but Tam..."
"Sometimes, it's better to ask for forgiveness than permission, Leed." Ben says abruptly.
I grin at him. I know what he's getting at. Tam has been working a little this week, shopping for Madam's Rolling Stone shoot. Next week, she's actually headed to Nashville to style them both. She'll be gone less than 48 hours, but so far she's pretty calm about leaving Ollie for the first time. After all, she's leaving him with two parents.
"So you're thinking we should divide and conquer? I take Ollie at my house one night, take a lot of videos to show Tam it can be done?"
"Exactly. You better go the first night, though, so she also sees you brought him back." Ben laughs. "In fact, why don't we cut the first apron string today? You need to get out the house without a baby and baby-mama in tow, and I've got the day off."
I snort. "Last time I tried that, I ended up with all my hair chopped off."
"That's because you lied. Tell Tam you got some shit to do, and go do it. She doesn't need the details."
"I'm not sure that's the best position for you to take if you want a happy marriage, dude." I'm just giving him shit.
He finishes his workout shake. "I didn't say I don't account for my whereabouts with Tam, I'm saying you don't have to account for yours, unless you are on daddy duty, which you won't be today. I'm on the job...as soon as I finish my workout," he grins and scoots out to the garage as it becomes obviously apparent that Ollie going to need another diaper change.
I get Ollie back down and catch a couple more hours sleep. When I wake, I shower and dress in real clothes for what seems like the first time in weeks. I almost feel like Leed Lawson, until I look in the mirror.
Fuck.
Five minutes later, Tam wonders into my room looking for any empty bottles to wash, sees me trying to style my hair, and automatically comes to help, pushing me to sit against the counter, so she can rake product through my hair.
"Thanks," I murmur, although for some reason, her touch chafes a little. I think it's just the double standard. I would never walk into her and Ben's room without knocking. Or touch her so familiarly anymore. She's another man's wife. If I were sitting in a stylist's chair, her hands on me would feel totally different. But here, with her robe loosely tied, showing her skimpy camisole, her chest practically right in my face...so close I can smell her old familiar scent, but also the new mama scent of milk and baby products...
I shirk her touch and slide away, "It's okay, Tam...I think I can manage to comb my own hair."
Her pretty does eyes widen even further than normal and she rinses the product off her hands as she says, "I guess you woke up on the wrong side of the bed, because you didn't get much sleep. Thanks for getting Ollie this morning. I feel almost human, with a two full night's sleep in a row."
I smile at her. Tam is still beautiful, but there's no doubt that she's tired. She's a little thinner than her normal weight, because she's spending so much energy breastfeeding, and there are slight smudges of shadows beneath her eyes. Of all of us, she loses the most sleep. She says it's just easier for her to feed Ollie, since he vastly prefers it over a bottle filled with breastmilk.
She's a damn good mother, and even though she's making me feel kind of claustrophobic since Ollie is born, in some ways, I feel more for her than I ever did. The way she takes of our son makes me love her, even though I see what she and Ben have, and know, I was never in love with her. Not like Ben.
Dude is so whipped that he thinks all Tam's quirksâthe sort of selfish ones that drive me crazyâare adorable. I'm realizing now, that the way we rub each other just a little wrong is probably why Tam and I never got too deep. A few days fun and then a break always worked best for the two of us.
Not her and Ben. She can't get enough of him, ironically because he pushes back on her demanding ways. He says she's just spicy and he loves that part of her. More power to him.
Lately I find myself with a more sophisticated palate. Digging a smoother flavor, on the sweet side, but with a lot of subtle undertones that I can't fucking wait to taste better.
"You needed the rest," I tell Tam, patting her on the shoulder. "You know me, I like the late life, anyway."
She stands behind me, watching me in the mirror, taking in my dark jeans and my black t-shirt.
"You going out?"
"Yeah, Ben and I got to talking this morning...we thought it we be a good day for you guys to try a Sullivan family day, and I've got some things I need to do."
"Okay," she says quietly and moves toward the door. She stops and turns around. "What things?"
"Just some errands," I say.
"Oh, well Ben and I will probably go out. We could all go together."
"I know, but it's not necessary. Besides, I'll probably be gone most of the day." I remember Ben's advice and resist the urge to give her an accounting.
She runs a finger along the doorway, not looking at me. "Are you seeing Ashlynn today?" she asks softly.
I sigh. "We don't have plans yet, but I will probably call her, yeah."
She fiddles with tightening her robe, like she's preparing for battle or something. "I just don't understand it, Leed. Why do you have to do this with Ashlynn right now? All these years, you were perfectly content to roll with things. I've never seen you chase a girl. You certainly didn't chase me. And now we have a kid and it's really important that you bond with him and you are worried about kickin' it with Ashlynn?"
So there it is. She's been dancing around this subject ever since the wedding. I thought she would get used to the idea, but she's obviously still against it. This is why she wants me wrapped up so tight in her house. She's trying to keep me from seeing Ash.
Yeah, that's not going to happen. I cross my arms and give her my full attention, making sure she knows I mean what I'm about to say.
"Tamara, look...you know how much I love Ollie, and how much I care about you. I got mad respect for you as a woman, a friend, and the mother of our son, but you don't get a say in this, Sweetheart. Frankly, it's pretty hypocritical of you. You knew you were pregnant with my kid and you let yourself fall in love with Ben, and I don't hold it against you. It's just where we are. You and Benâyour love couldn't wait. I get that. So you gotta work to feel me in this, too."
Tamara looks partly shocked and partly angry. "Are you saying you're in love with Ashlynn?" she whispers.
Energy rolls over my skin like current, all culminating in my damn throat, making it hard to speak. "What? No. Jesus, Tam, you know me. I'm not cut from the love and marriage cloth. But I won't lieâI'm into Ash. She's a girl I could spend time with, and I would think you would rather me have a stable friendship in my life than an endless party of fangirls, considering the kid is in the mix. Ash is somebody that I could bring Ollie around. She likes kids. She understands me and you and Ben."
"Are you kidding?" Tamara whispers. "That's wrong thinking, Leed. I like Ashlynn a lot when she's having a healthy stretch, but she's not stable. Not by a long shot. She's got brain damage and she's an addict. You really want to bring her around our son?"
Tam's words start a burn in my gut that surprises me. I close my eyes and work to stay even before I get too hot. The rare times Tam and I have had fights over the years, it was a real barn-burner, because we are both fiery. I'm not doing that anymore. She's the mother of my child and I'm not throwing down with her in front of Ollie, ever. Ben would probably knock me on my ass for raising my voice to her, anyway.
I grasp for a reasonable rebuttal.
"That's not fair, Tam. People have challenges. Your husband has been to war, seen things I can't even imagined, killed people because he had to. Most soldiers struggle with all that at some point."
Tam looks at me sharply. "Ben is totally adjusted to civilian life. He's been back from Afghanistan for three years. He trusts himself and we can trust him."
"I'm not disagreeing with you. In fact, I trust Ben. too. What I'm saying is, if we can trust Ben to be Ollie's parent considering his baggage, what makes you think we couldn't trust Ash to occasionally be around Ollie?"
"Ashlynn only has six months even, and she has pain that no one understands. What if her therapies stop working and she starts using again? You remember how she was, when things were bad. I really like Ashlynn when she's coping, but she can be really hurtful and do crazy things when she's not.. Do you know how many times I cleaned up a closet of ripped clothes, and shattered mirrors? Or walked into Trace's house and heard the awful things she would say to him? I know you've seen it too, Leed. Would you really want her around Ollie like that?"
I throw my hands out. "I don't know, Tam. I can't answer that. I don't think that's the real Ash, and I think she's got her condition under control, but I can't see the future. I just know that you don't write off the people that you care about. What happens when Bodie comes back around? Are you gonna shut him out of Ollie's life?"
"I wouldn't let him around Ollie high."
"But if he walked through the front door today, sober? You can't tell me you wouldn't throw you arms around him and put his baby cousin in his arms."
"That's different. He's family."
"Yes, he is. But Ash is SCIC, and you don't get to be the only one to decide who is family and who is not."
"Yeah, I do. Ollie is my son," she snaps.
"Our son." The snarl comes out before I can stop it.
Ben is standing in the hallway, Ollie on his shoulder, clearly making his need for his mid-morning feeding known. "Okay, I'm ringing the bell," he says mildly. "To your corners, guys. Ollie needs his mama."
I blow out a breath and nod. "Yeah, and I need some air. I'm out." This is way over the top. I don't know how me going out for a few errands turned into a fight about Ashlynn. I gesture for Tam to move out of the doorway, but she blocks my way, hands on hips as Ollie's sounds increase.
"You're out?!?!?" she yells above his cries. "You don't get to walk away from us, Leed!!!"
"Tamara," Ben says sharply his voice loud enough to be heard over Ollie but not angry. "He's not walking away from Ollie. He's walking away from a pointless argument. Leed is Ollie's father, but he's not answerable to you in his personal life. The man can go where he wants and see who he wants on his own time. And if you can't accept that, then we have a bigger problem than the question of Ashlynn's stability."
Tam turns in the doorway, and for a second I think Ben is about to receive her wrath, but as they stare at each other, the angry set to Tamara's shoulders softens. She moves to him and kisses him on the cheek, murmuring something to him I don't hear, and he wordlessly strokes her hair as he transfers a fussing Ollie into her arms.
She doesn't even turn to look at me as she carries Ollie down the hall to the nursery.
Ben and I stare at each other. He rubs his chin. "It's alright, man. But it ain't over. You know that, right?"
I sigh. "I don't know what to do."
He smiles and slaps me other the shoulder. "Do what you need to do. But maybe...come back tonight? So she knows you're not too angry."
I nod and wordlessly slip the house, crawling in]the brand new luxury Volvo SUV I bought that doesn't feel like my car yet. I bought it for its top safety ratingsâit's the car Tam and I use to haul Ollie around on errands when Ben takes their similar super safe SUV to work to haul Kat around.
As I cruise down the canyon road that leads into the heart of Calabasasânear to my place and Ash'sâmy eyes keep darting to the backseat, a habit now. It feels strange to be without Ollie and Tam, but I'm not ready to turn my attention elsewhere quite yet. I'm too irritated to call Ash...I don't trust myself not to vent, and I refuse to dump this shit on her. I cruise along, the music from the radio easing my tension.
I decide to stop into my favorite little breakfast joint and grab a coffee, maybe call her when I get a table, and see what she's up to for the day. The breakfast place is just around the corner from her place, so if she's free...maybe she'll even join me for a bite.
Imagine my surprise when I roll onto the street where the diner is, and see Ashlynn getting out of the passenger side an unfamiliar car in a pair of blousy hippie pants and tight olive green tank top, a stretchy headcloth holding back her long golden waves. I can't see her face, but I'd recognize that graceful body and the way her hair sways anywhere, any day.
The person I don't recognize is the black-haired, preppy dude that gets out of the driver's side, hurrying around to catch her door, reaching down and grabbing her bag, giving her a cocky grin as he sets it on her shoulder, guiding her onto the patio of the same damn diner I was hoping to meet her in.
Who the fuck is this cat and why the hell is he driving my Sunshine to breakfast?
I automatically pull into the public parking across the street, because I'm damn sure about to find out.
Wow, a lot is going on in this chapter. We see Leed and Ben's dynamic for the first time. How do you feel about their emerging relationship as co-dads?
And Tamara lets her true feelings about Ash known. Seems like she's okay with Ash on a friend level, but not as a potential caretaker for her baby. Are her concerns about Ash's stability valid or is this just subconcious jealousy on her part? Or both?
And of course, we see Leed stalking again. This time IS accidental though...what do you think he's going to do next?