36) lose

T/W - miscarriage and panic attacks

MAUSAM

Shiv was thrown against a tree.

A scream lodged in my throat.

I looked at the man and my suspicion was right!

'Armaan'.

Warning bells rang in my head, he was halfway turned towards Shiv, eyes menacing , his posture so stiff and angry , he looked quite unapproachable, people around us , even though curious of the fight between them did not dare to come closer.

Shiv glared at Armaan , even though still on the ground, a deathly glint entered his eyes ,

But before they could kill each other off,

I ran to Armaan.

"Armaan , what are you doing? Stop, how could you just hit him?" I screamed at him, clutching his hands and turning his attention towards me.

His eyes focused on me," he made you cry "He said inwith jarring calm expression , stating it as a fact , as if anyone who made me cry he had every right to kill him!

This man!!

" No he did not." My voice came out hoarse from crying.

His eyes narrowed into slits , and lips turned into a mocking expression.

He slowly raised his thumb and traced my face ,

I realised he was rubbing my tear-stains,

I closed my eyes instinctively , feeling his thumb tracing my skin.

'It has been ages since he touched me like that' a thought impulsively , surprising me popped up.

"Ahh." I yelled , shocked at my own thought, and pushed away from him, but he grabbed my wrist in his hand.

" Why were you crying?" He rasped gravelly, gazing at me intently , urging me not to lie.

" He did not made me cry ." I shook my head , and looked in his eyes , silently telling him that I was saying the truth.

" It's personal, why I felt sad, let's talk in private." I whispered to him, looking around.

Shiv had now gotten over the attack and was hovering near us , his gaze stuck to us.

" Shiv, this is my husband, Armaan." I introduced him, nodded at him to come closer.

I clutched Armaan's arm to not let him attack Shiv, at my tight grip Armaan glanced at me but I stubbornly did not meet his eyes.

" Shiv Rathore." Shiv nodded, not smiling or holding out his hand, not that I could blame him, even at dinner Armaan's behaviour with him had been very rude at best , and now this.

I winced ," I am sorry on his behalf , he thought I was crying because of you." I explained to Shiv.

" You don't need to apologise to him." Armaan tersly said, his muscles qhivered with tension beneath my hand.

My throat flet tight with anxiety ,

Sweat beaded on my forehead,

" Armaan." I whipsered with desperation evident in my voice.

He studied her face.

He took in a deep breath , and nodded.

Mausam chest lightened ,

She blew out a breath of relief,

" Shiv, i'll call you later, we will leave now." I nodded at him , silently pleading him to let me explain later , and apologizing.

He gave a subtle nod.

And I dragged Armaan out to his car.

" What were you thinking? How could you just punch someone? Are you a hooligan? Seriously Armaan what  kind of example is this for our son? For our daughter?" I glared at him, slamming the door shut.

He winced at my shrill voice.

I scoffed, pinching him hard ," answer me." I demanded.

" Ouch. Woman." He gripped the steering wheel hard.

A vein throbbed on his temple , his eyes dark and cold," I hit him because I thought he made you cry." He uttered the words with dangerous calm.

" Now why were you crying?" He questioned  , staring inquisitively.

I huffed in unease.

" I , i " do i tell him that I was thinking about that incident? The incident that was our breaking point? If I do then what if he asks why I was telling Shiv about that? But I can tell anyone what I want right? If I want to share me pain with my friends it should be okay right!

I eyed him , for me that time was the most painful , everything that I thought was mine had been snatched form me, my dreams were shattered around me, like a stone had been hurled at mirror that was my life, all cracked appears all at once and it shattered , no longer resembling a large , ornate mirror but shards of glass , cutting skin painfully and small shiny pieces responsible for immense pain.

I took a shallow breath.

" I was thinking about my miscarriage." I revealed and I heard him take a sharp breath , he gasped , as if air had froze in the car.

It was suddenly chilly.

Him and I were avoiding each other's gaze.

There was heavy breathing , errant heartbeat , but I could not tell if it was mine or his.

Like I was under water , I felt deaf , but still a continuous sound rang in my head.

My drenched eyes sought my husband.

But he looked so lost to me,

Pale and wild eyes.

He stared at void.

His breathing shallow and his hands clutched at his chest as if he could not breath.

" Armaan" I whispered his name.

" Armaan" I called him again.

He turned to me but I felt he could not see me.

He mumbled something.

" Armaan , listen to me." I shook him.

He was started out his trance.

He whispered something incorrigible.

" Armaan, are you with me?" I tentatively touched his face.

His skin was very cold to touch.

" Armaan." I called out in concern.

" Yes , yes, what is it? What did you say?" He shook his head and looked outside.

" I said, I , it's , you heard why cried right?" I told him being cautious.

" Hmm." He gave me curt nod.

" So what I wanted to talk about was ." I cut him off .

" Mausam I know you told that I will think about therapy but I want to tell you that I don't think it's a great idea after all." he said feeling embarrassed.

" Why?" i asked warily, staring at his hands.

" I mean I don't feel comfortable to talk about our issues with some Stanger , I know you suggested we try therapy but I don't think , I am ready for it. " He looked at me meaningfully.

" We just want to be good parents to our children , right ? It is not like we want to make our marriage work or anything? " He said a bit breathlessly.

I felt stunned , oh oh.

" Oh well you are right , I suppose , it is just being parents ." I said , I don't know why I felt this weird tight feeling in my chest.

Updated on 21/12/24