Chapter 24: 24. Maids Made by Makeover

Have you ever had your manor house invaded by a gaggle of prostitutes right before your wedding?

No?

I feel sorry for you. Something is missing in your life.

'Up! Up with ye! The early girl catches the earl!'

Groggily, I half-opened one eye, spying Amy at the bottom of my bed. 'He's a lord, not an earl,' I croaked.

'Even more reason to get up early. Move yer butt, girly!'

Groaning, I was about to slip out of bed when Amy's friends wandered into the room, gazing around with big eyes.

'Ehem.' I cleared my throat. 'This is a bedroom, in case you didn't notice. A little privacy, please?'

The three exchanged looks.

'Why?' Amy asked, curiously.

I gazed at them, wiggling my eyebrows meaningfully. Not one of them got the meaning. But then...why should they? They had probably wandered into more bedrooms in their lives than I could count, and seen a lot more than the fascinating view provided by my generous derrière.

Sighing, I climbed out of bed and slipped behind a modesty screen painted with flowers and birds. It took the three girls about five seconds to glance around the screen.

'What's dis?' Cora asked, tapping the screen curiously.

'It's pretty!' Full of admiration, Jenny glanced at the birds and flowers. 'But what's da point of it? 'aven't ye noticed 'ow it blocks the view? Nobody can see ye while you undress, ye know.'

'You don't say. I never noticed.'

'Glad I could 'elp.' Jenny continued studying the pretty birds and flowers. Amy, meanwhile, seemed to be more intent on studying me. Critically.

'Do you mind?' I inclined my head meaningfully towards the door.

'Yes, quite a bit actually.' Scrutinizing me through narrow eyes, she marched around me. 'Please tell me dis ain't 'ow ye intend to get married.'

'Naked? No, I had been planning on keeping that for later in the night.'

Cora nodded wisely. 'Good plan.'

Jenny chewed on her lip, thoughtfully. 'I don't know. I always found dat keepin' clothes on during foreplay ain't workin' well for me.'

I turned to Amy. 'Those two do know what a wedding is, don't they?'

'Hm...' She scratched her chin. 'I ain't really sure. I meant to explain it on the way 'ere, but maybe I forgot.'

Looking around at them, I took in a deep breath—then focused on Amy, the leader of this little invasion.

'So...why are you really here? What do you want?'

'Glad you asked.' A grin spread over my friend's face. 'Your dear future mother-in-law took me aside yesterday...'

'Oh God, no.'

'...and she was kind 'nough to tell me that she would be takin' all of us shopping this mornin'. She said all expenses would be taken care of, and she wouldn't take no for an answer.'

'Did you at least try to give her a no for an answer?'

'Of course not! Do I look daft?'

'Should I answer that honestly?'

'Oh, shut your gob! And get dressed, will ye?' Striking a pose, Amy flicked her hair over her shoulder. 'I've got places to be. I'm gonna go shoppin' with a marchioness.'

'So sorry to hold up your schedule.'

'Apology accepted. Now stop wastin' time. I'll be waiting downstairs. Come on, girls!'

I started dressing as Amy herded the other two out of the room. I continued until the last skirt had disappeared through the door—then froze in mid-dressing, rushed over, pushed the door shut, and turned the key, twice. Just in case, I went over to the window and checked the latch, twice. Then I returned to the modesty screen and grabbed the first dress within reach. I knew better than to keep a girl who had survived growing up in the London East End waiting.

Down in the entry hall, I found my little sister, the Marchioness Ambrose and her daughter, Lady Adaira, waiting in the company of three more ladies. If, that is, you took the term 'ladies' to include ladies of the night. And these ladies were...

No.

Surely my eyes were deceiving me.

'Too big. Definitely ain't realistic,' Cora said with the voice of an expert.

Lady Samantha joined her beside the nude statue of the young Greek warrior left over from the days of the Ambrose Emporium for Fine Furniture, her eyes alight with interest. 'Oh, you are a connoisseur of art, are you, Miss Cora?'

'Cono...cone...yes, definitely!' Cora nodded energetically. 'I've seen plenty of those in my time.'

'That's lovely!' Lady Samantha clapped. 'So tell me, what is it about this statue that you find unrealistic? Personally, I think the artist did a great job, but I'd love to hear your opinion.'

'Well, the di—'

'—didn't you say it's time to go, Cora, Amy?' Lunging forward, I grabbed Lady Samantha by the arm. 'Sorry for keeping you waiting, Your Ladyship.'

'Don't worry, my dear!' She beamed. 'We've been having a stimulating conversation with your friends in your absence.'

'Oh yes.' Amy grinned like a devil who had managed to gate-crash St Peter's birthday party. She wiggled her eyebrows. 'Our conversation can be really quite...stimulatin'.'

'All right, let's go.' Grabbing hold of each of the three troublemakers, an impressive feat for someone with only two arms, I tugged them across the hall and out the door. It was a beautiful morning outside, but even so, an unusually high number of people seemed to be on the village high street instead of out on the fields.

'Will you look at that?' Beaming, Ella gestured at the people who walked past us, doing their best, and failing, to seem inconspicuous. One boy had already walked past three times, eyes wide, gawking our way. 'They already love and admire their new lady of the manor, and come out to admire you.'

'Err...yes. Admire me.' I glanced sideways just in time to see Jenny wiggle her derrière and throw a passing young man a flirtatious wink. His eyes followed her like a magnet. 'I'm sure that's it.'

Fortunately, the main street wasn't much longer than two and a half cucumbers. Soon, we stood in front of Mrs Jenkins' Clothing & Accessories for Ladies of All Ages.

Ding-dong...

'Hello? Mrs Jenkins?'

'Just a minute, I'm in the back...oh! Miss Linton...I mean, My Lady. It's you, how delightful! And...' Her eyes widened when, one after the other, my little sister, Adaira, Lady Samantha, Cora, Jenny and Amy filed into the shop. One customer? No, two. Three. Four...what was that number after four again? The old lady's mouth dropped open. Apparently, it had been a while since she'd had to count so high.

'Good morning, dear Lady.' In full lady-of-the-manor mode, Lady Samantha swept towards the counter. 'These three young ladies of good breeding,' she gestured at Amy, Cora and Jenny, 'lost their luggage on the road. They each need three complete new outfits, as well as any and all accessories and trinkets that a lady of good breeding may require.'

Y-yes! Um...yes, My Lady!' Mrs Jenkins eyed the three young women in their sparkly, scanty dresses. Judging from her expression, she had a few theories of her own as to where they had 'lost' their clothes—and while it might involve a lot of breeding, none of it would have been good by any moral standards. 'I see. Very well...ladies. Step this way, please.'

She led us to a back room of the shop where, surrounded by stacks of clothing and racks of dresses, stood a little stool. Already familiar with this instrument of torture from my wedding dress fitting, I hurriedly retreated to the corner. Amy, Cora and Jenny on the other hand, cautiously approached this hallowed idol of fashion, as if they could hardly believe their eyes.

Which they probably couldn't, I suddenly realized.

Women like them, born into poverty, with few coins in their pocket and even fewer choices, were probably never even allowed to enter a store like this, let alone purchase anything. I had seen more than one 'respectable' business owner throw a lady of the night out on her ears, even if she had money to pay. Strange how 'respectable' people always seemed to have a lot more respect for their own ego than for other people.

I would have done something long ago. I would have helped Amy, except...

She might not have money.

She might not have choices.

But she had one thing in spades. Pride.

Yet now...now her eyes were suddenly sparkling at the sight in front of her. Now the hard-headed, fiery woman was looking around the little village shop, her face shining with the simple wonder of a little girl. Maybe...just maybe...

'Gorblimey!' Cora turned from left to right, gaping at all the ribbons, bonnets and pretty dresses—and most, of all, at the lack of people staring at her with disgust. 'Is dis real?'

'Aye.' Amy took hold of her arm. 'But don't ye overdo it, do ye hear?'

I felt a tug at my heart. Amy gazed up at the shop displays with so much longing, so much unfathomable desire for...

What exactly?

I wasn't sure.

But maybe it wasn't about her wanting anything in particular. Maybe it was that she just, for once in her life, wanted something from someone, without having to pay a high price in return.

A devilish plan popped into my head.

'Ella? Adaira?' Lowering my voice, I grabbed the my two co-conspirators-to-be by the arms, and pulled them closer. 'You two know you are like sisters to me, don't you?'

'I am your sister,' Ella pointed out.

Good point.

'Which makes it even easier for you to be like a sister to me, now doesn't it? But that's not my point. What I meant to say is, you know I love you two to death and would do anything for you, right?'

'Of course!' Ella said.

'I hadn't known so far, but now that I know, I'll make sure to remember.' Adaira grinned. 'Considering whom you're marrying, it'll come in handy for my next eighty or so birthdays.'

'This is serious! Will you listen?'

'Oh. Right, yes.'

'Ella...do you remember how I offered to let you be my maid of honour?'

'You mean when I was busy dying from cholera? Yes, I seem to remember that.'

I glanced over at Amy, who was now gazing at a white dress with a wistful look in her eyes. Leaning over to Ella, I lowered my voice.

'Would you be terribly upset with me if you had to share the role?'

Two minutes of whispered conversation later, I wandered over to Amy, who was still staring at the white dress with yearning. The moment she noticed me, the expression vanished, and was replaced with a familiar grin. 'Good God! Don't tell me ye'll 'ave to let yourself be poked 'n' prodded for one of dose?'

'Actually, no.' I shook my head. 'I already got poked and prodded. But my maid of honour will.'

'Ha! I don't envy the poor goose 'o'll get dat job.'

'Excellent.' I clapped a hand on her shoulder. 'Envying yourself could end up being rather complicated.'

It took a moment or two for the penny to drop. Probably because it was one of Mr Ambrose's pennies, and he was reluctant to let go.

'W-what? You can't mean...!'

An evil smile spread across my face. 'Actually, I can. It's my wedding, remember. Girls? Get her!'

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My dear Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen,

What do you think of Lilly's girl time? Did you enjoy the episode with Amy and her friends?

Yours Truly

Sir Rob