Grinning, Cora and Jenny made a grab for her. Amy avoided them with a frantic leap back, panic spreading across her face as she stared at the dress in front of her. 'But...I can't wear something like this!'
'You're right.' Nodding thoughtfully, I marched around the gown, eyeing it critically. 'The basic look is nice, but it lacks a certain something. It needs a little improvement. Maybe some nice borders, a little lace, and definitely some pearls to go along with it.'
Amy retreated another step. 'What? Pearls? No!'
'Would you prefer diamonds?'
'No, no! I can't wear anything like that!' She slowly began retreating, only to suddenly find herself blocked from behind by Ella and Adaira. 'I couldn't possibly! I couldn't, Iâ!'
'Nonsense! My maid of honour needs to be appropriately attired.' And she needs to be shown that there's more to the world than what she's used to, if she would just accept a helping hand.
Amy tugged at her hair, hard, clearly trying to improve her hairstyle. It couldn't possibly be because she was exasperated with me, now, could it?
'I 'ate to point dis out to ye,' Amy said in the kind of slow voice you use to explain to toddlers that 1 plus 1 does not equal 11, 'but usually, a maid of 'onour 'as to be a maid. Maid as in no funny business in Cockadoodle Lane? That's where the title comes from.'
'Well...' I grinned at her. 'It's lucky that I'm not your usual kind of girl, isn't it?'
Before she could utter one more word of protest, I signalled my reserve troops. Ella and Adaira, flanked by Patsy and Eve, swooped in and each grabbed one arm. Ha! She might have dodged the first attack, but she was helpless in the face of my elite paladins of the parasol!
'Hey! Wait! What are you doing? You can'tâ'
'Just go with the flow,' Ella advised.
'The flow being the direction in which I'm marching,' Patsy added with a stern stare.
Together, we dragged the protesting prostitute over to the centre of the room, where Cora was already waiting in line.
'Please, Miss?' Mrs Jenkins pointed at the stool in the centre of the room. 'Would you be so kind?'
Looking confused, Cora climbed onto the stool 'Like dis?'
'Yes, exactly, Miss.' Pulling something out of a pocket, Mrs Jenkins stepped forward and raised her hands towards Cora's chest. 'Now let me justâ'
'Oy!' Jumping back off the stool, Cora wagged a finger at the woman. 'No touchin' without paying, lady!'
Heat flushed Mrs Jenkins' face. Amy glowered at her friend. Somewhere in the background, someoneâmost likely someone whose name started with A and ended with dairaâwas trying to suppress their snickering.
Lady Samantha delicately cleared her throat. 'I, um, believe she only means to take your measurements, Cora, dear.'
'Oh.' Cora blinked. 'Really? That's all?' She glanced down at the bulbous protuberances that were going to make for one bloody impressive measurement, as if to ask That's all she wants? What's wrong with these? They still worked well enough yesterday. 'Are you sure?'
'Quite sure.'
'Oh.' Cora climbed back onto the stool again. 'Well...go ahead, I guess.'
With a martyred expression on her face, Mrs Jenkins stepped forward and started measuring. All the while, Amy struggled against my friends' hold, but by now Patsy had gotten a firm grip on her, and no one escaped the clutches of the dreaded wielder of the parasol.
'Let go of me!' Amy twisted, trying to slide out of the girls' grasp once again. 'You can't do this!'
'That's where you are mistaken,' I informed her sombrely. 'I'm the bride. I can do anything I want. Article seventy-two, paragraph twelve of the revised British Bridal Sovereignty Code.'
'You just made that up!'
'Yes, I'm creative, aren't I? Now keep still and be quiet.'
'You can't do this! I can't do this! I can't be a bridesmaid! You can't start buying me things!'
'You seemed eager enough this morning.'
'That was when I thought this was all a big joke! I didn't think you'd really want to buy me stuff or want me to be there...well...out there! In the church! In front...' She swallowed hard. 'In front of hundreds of people that...that...'
People that would stare at me. People that, if not for you, would throw me out and hurl rotten vegetables in my face, and worse things besides!
I could almost hear her thoughts, so clearly were they written on her face.
This wasn't the brash, fiery Amy I was used to. That Amy would have marched into the church and happily socked anyone who looked at her the wrong way. But the girl in front of me...that girl looked scared.
There was only one thing to do:
Rub her nose in it.
'You aren't scared, are you?' I demanded, raising an eyebrow.
Amy stiffened. 'Scared? Me?'
I raised my eyebrow a little higher. Over my long career as an aggravator and off-ticker, I had found that eyebrow acrobatics could be highly effective.
'Ha! I'll show you who is scared! Cora? Get off that darn wobbly stool! And you there, give me that dress!'
Half an hour later, the door of Mrs Jenkins' Clothing & Accessories for Ladies of All Ages opened, and three figures stepped out into the sunlight. The crowd that had been walking very, very slowly past the store in the hope of catching a glimpse, stopped in their tracks and stared. With a thwack, Amy snapped open her fan and flipped her hair over her shoulder. A grin spread over her face.
'Well, well, ladies...Shall we go?'
'Ladies?' Cora glanced around. 'Are dere any ladies 'ere?'
'I'm talkin' to ye, ye mutton-headed numbskull!'
'Oh. Aye, right.'
Quickly, she reached for her fan and tried to open it. And tried it again. And again.
'Leave it closed,' Patsy advised, stepping out of the store behind her and twirling her parasol. 'It's easier to whack people that way.'
'Hm.' Cora experimentally whacked the doorframe, apparently thinking it had the approximate density of the average man's head. 'Thanks for the tip!'
'You're welcome.'
Patsy's parasol snapped open. On Cora's other side, Adaira emulated the action, and the crowd backed up, carefully. A wise move in my opinion.
'Let's go!'
With new confidenceâwhich was saying something, considering the amount she'd had beforeâAmy stepped out into the village street and sauntered along the road, with Cora, Jenny, Eve, Ella, Adaira and Patsy flanking her, shining like pearls in the dirt of the road. I myself quietly brought up the rear. I was having far too much fun watching Amy and her friends to walk up front. Cora was still struggling with her fan, apparently testing the best way to whack men's heads. She was quite entertaining to watchâwhich was why I was the first one to notice the man stepping out of a shop straight into her path.
'Ouph!'
'Agh!' Dropping her fan, Cora turned to glare at the man. 'Watch where ye're goin', you gormless bastaâ'
That was the moment she caught sight of her counterpart, and her mouth dropped open.
'I beg your pardon, Miss? I didn't do anything wrong! Iâ'
The young man's voice abruptly cut off, too, and he stared at Cora the Curvaceous as if he had never seen a woman before in his life. More importantlyâhe stared at her face, not her other, more ample, assets.
And Cora?
Cora blushed.
She blushed. Blushed like a village maiden on her wedding night. Blinking, Amy leaned over to her and whispered, 'Cora? What's da matter? He ain't a customer, is 'e?'
Cora didn't answer. She didn't even blink. Her eyes were fixed on the young man in front of her with a dreamy look.
'Cora? Cora, did ye get knocked on da 'ead?'
'If she did,' I commented in a whisper, 'he did as well. Look.'
We turned towards the young man. The dreamy, yearning expression on his face was similar to Cora's. And what a face it was! Sky-blue eyes, long, chestnut hair flowing down all the way to broad, masculine shoulders...you could have cut his head off, pasted it onto Sir Lancelot, and not noticed the difference.
'My Lady!' Abruptly, the young man sank into a half-bow, half-genuflection. 'I humbly beg your pardon for my imprudence! I should not have moved this rashly!'
'N-no.' Face still red as a pretty, prize-winning potato, 'I shouldn't 'ave...it was totally my fault, really.'
Reaching out, Amy touched her friend's forehead. 'Cora? Are ye sick?'
Cora ignored her.
The young man ignored her.
'Please forgive my forwardness, but...' The young man hesitated. 'How come I have never had the pleasure of seeing you before? This isn't the first time I have visited this lovely village, but never before have I seen such a beautiful flower blooming in the fields.'
Amy mimed retching behind Jenny's back. The rest of us stared at Cora, expecting her to take up her fan and whack the fellow over the head.
Thwack!
The noise of the fan snapping open was sudden and loud in the silence. Cora raised it high and...used it to hide the lower half of her increasingly flushed face.
'I...um...I'm 'ere for the wedding.'
'Oh, that explains it!' Almost without meaning to, it seemed the young man took a step forward. 'Still...how come I haven't seen you during the season in London?' His gaze wandered over her sumptuous, elegant dress and figure. 'Don't tell me you haven't yet had your coming out? How cruel to deprive the people in this world of a beauty that surpasses princesses and queens! Pray tell me, beautiful lady, what is your name?'
By now, Cora's whole face had dived behind the fan, like a fashion-conscious prairie dog.
'I...I'm not a la...I'm notâ'
'She's not used to this much attention,' I hurriedly cut her off, jabbing my elbow into her ribs. 'I'm afraid she indeed hasn't had her debut yet. I'm afraid our dear Cora has led quite a sheltered life. She's spent most of her life living with her friend Jenny under the stern care of an abbess.'
Cora's mouth dropped open.
'What?' The young man exclaimed. 'Cut off from the world, all those years, confined in a nunnery?'
'A tragedy, isn't it?' I sighed. 'But then again, it has formed her character in a way you will find in no other lady. You wouldn't believe how pure and innocent our dear little Cora is.'
The young man swallowed. 'Truly, innocence personified. I hardly dare to presume, but...'
'Oh, go ahead and presume. It's no problem.'
The handsome young man snatched up Cora's hand and led it to his lips. 'The purity and innocence shining from your beautiful eyes have captured my heart! Miss Cora...may I have the honour of inviting you for an outing in the countryside?'
A squeak came from behind the fan.
'That means yes,' I translated. 'She'd be honoured to accept.'
Amy's jaw drapped.
'What are ye tryin' to do?' She hissed, sidling up to me.
'Me?' I blinked up at her.
'Don't ye bat yer eyelashes at me, Missy! Are ye tryin' to discorrupt my friend and lead 'er off the path of rightouslessness?'
I cocked my head at her. 'I thought you wanted to go hunting for men.'
'Yes, but...but not for this! This fellow ain't a john! He...'
'Excuse me,' I interrupted her, speaking up audibly. 'May I enquire after your name?'
'But of course.' The young man bowed in my direction. 'How neglectful of me! My name is Wetherston. Lord John Wetherston.'
'There, you see?' I cocked my head at Amy. 'He is a John.'
Amy shot me a glare that could have sent a tigress running. 'Ye know dat ain't what I meant, you weaselly littleâ'
'And of course,' I talked straight over her with a beaming smile, 'you'll need a chaperon for your outing. How about Amy here? I'm sure she'd love to!'
Amy's jaw dropped.
'Great idea!' I suddenly received reinforcements as Jenny grabbed Amy's left arm, and Lady Samantha came up from behind.
'A senior should also be present,' the Lady stated, matchmaking mania sparkling in her eyes. She put Lord John in her crosshairs. 'Why don't you bring a friend or two of yours along. I'm sure Miss Amy and Miss Jenny would love some company.'
'Well, actually, Iâ' Amy started.
I stepped on her foot.
'Ow!'
'Wonderful! Shall we say tomorrow at ten?'
'Th...that sounds l...lovely,' Cora managed to stutter.
'I shall not be able to breathe until I see you once more.' Lord John bowed over her hand one final time, evoking another squeak from behind the fan, then strode away as if walking on clouds, his eyes shining.
'W-what just happened?' Cora whispered, daring to peek out from behind her fan.
'You were courted,' I told her, speaking with the certainty of an expert on the subject.
''e...'e called me a lady! No one ever called me a lady!'
'Then you've been spending time with the wrong men, dear,' Lady Samantha said resolutely.
Cora stared off into the distance with a faint smile. 'Aye. Maybe I 'ave.'
'And the same seems to go for you too darlings.' Lady Samantha grabbed hold of Jenny and Amy. 'We'll have to find you decent men as well. After all, you're bridesmaids. You'll need someone to accompany you to the wedding.'
Amy's eyes widened in horror. As she was dragged away by Lady Samantha, she turned around to throw me a glare...which, at the very last moment, seemed to turn into a look of mingled hope and thanks.
Instantly, she whirled around.
I smirked.
We girls were going to have a fun time together.
I caught up with them and, arm in arm, we strode down the street, gathering admiring gazes from all sides. I didn't stop until we had reached the point where the driveway to the manor forked away from the village lane. It took a moment for the others to notice. Finally, Amy turned around, and frowned.
'Aren't you coming, Lilly?'
'Soon. But right now...right now I have some errands to do.'
'Errands?'
'Yes.' I couldn't keep the grin of my face. 'After all, I have to inform the reverend of a change in the wedding, haven't I? I'm sure he'll be delighted to hear we have found a maid of honour.'
Amy blinkedâthen an answering grin spread over her face, and once again, I saw the devil dancing in her eyes. 'Aye. Absolutely delighted. Tell 'im I'll be down to introduce myself to 'im, will ye?'
'I will.'
'Oh, and...Lilly?'
'Yes?'
'Is he married?'
'Not that I'm aware of.'
Amy hid her growing grin behind her fan. 'Ah. Then he'll definitely be delighted.'
And, with a wink, she turned towards the manor.
Shaking my head, I turned back towards the village, and down the side lane that led towards the picturesque little church. I didn't see the vicar anywhere outside. Hm...maybe he was in the back? I had seen hints of red and pink last time I had looked down at the church from a distance. Maybe he had another rose garden back there.
Humming, I circumvented the church, stepping into the shadow of the big stone building with its arches and stained glass windows. It was so nice to be out of the hot summer sun that I closed my eyes for a moment and sighed in reliefâwhich was why I didn't see the hand before it grabbed me and pulled me further into the shadow.
'Isn't this sweet?' said a smooth, cultured, and dreadfully familiar voice. 'So nice to see you again, Miss Lintonâor should I say Mister Linton?'
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My dear Lords, Ladies and Gentlemen,
Well? Who do you think is sneaking up on our dear Lilly in the shadows?
Yours Truly
Sir Rob
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GLOSSARY:
Cockadoodle Lane - A Victorian euphemism for a lady's private parts.
Abbess - Victorian term for the madam of a brothel.