: Chapter 17

I’m up earlier than usual because I spent the rest of the night tossing and turning thinking about the line I crossed with Rowan last night.

The hundreds of lines we crossed.

Memories of me sitting on his face and him fucking me on his desk played through my mind on a consistent loop for another hour before I finally fell asleep. Now, I’m awake and horny despite the two delicious orgasms I had last night. I take a shower, doing my best to avoid giving too much attention between my legs so that the lingering tingly feeling will subside, but it’s no use. Every move I make, I feel Rowan and where he’d been. I ignore the pesky voice inside my head telling me things are going to get messy really fucking soon if we continue down this road.

Rowan is not only charming and gorgeous and pretty much walking sex, but I’m really into him, and he seems obsessed with putting his mouth between my legs.

Things are already really messy.

I make my way out of my bedroom at a quarter to eight and sit at the kitchen table with my laptop to get some homework done. I’m not sure how late everyone was up, so I’m not anticipating anyone up this early which is why I’m shocked to see Margot walking through the kitchen only twenty minutes later.

“Hi.” I smile at her. “You’re up early.”

“Yeah…I…didn’t sleep well.”

“I imagine. I…heard you come in last night,” I tell her, having decided I wouldn’t pretend I didn’t know she came home in the middle of the night.

“Sorry, if I woke you up.”

“You could have called me, you know. I would have come to get you…” My brows pinch in both question and worry. “If you didn’t want to call your dad?”

“It was fine,” she says as she grabs some orange juice from the refrigerator.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Are you going to tell my dad?” she asks.

“Is it illegal?”

She snorts as she pours herself a glass of juice. “No.”

“Then we can keep it between us.”

She moves through the kitchen and sits down. “I saw some weird stories on Instagram…with Gabe.”

Ahhh. Okay. I hadn’t anticipated him being a part of this with him supposedly out of town, but this makes sense.

“What did you see?”

“He plays for a travel soccer team, not for our school. And I guess the team went to some party. I follow most of the guys and in the background of one of the stories…some girl was in Gabe’s lap and it looked like they were kissing.”

“Looked like it? Or they were?”

She pulls out her phone and slides it across the table. “I took a screenshot, what do you think?”

I look at the photo, and while it isn’t totally clear, it certainly looks suspect. She’s definitely in his lap and the way she’s turned it could be that they’re just talking, but with the amount of beer cans on the table in the forefront of the picture, I’m going to assume they aren’t exactly sober.

“Have you talked to him?”

“Of course. I called him and flew off the handle!” She lets her head drop to the table. “He claims they weren’t kissing and he made her get up as soon as she sat down and the story just happened to catch it. Of course, now it’s gone.”

“What do you think about that?”

“Sounds a little too coincidental.” This thought makes me breathe easier. I know Margot is a smart girl but even the smartest girls get the wool pulled over their eyes.

“Okay, so how does your argument with Mel fit into that?”

Her head perks up from the table and narrows her eyes at me curiously or maybe suspiciously. “How did you know about that?”

Dammit. I should not have said that. “Oh, I talked to your dad last night. I wanted to know if you were okay.”

“Oh.” She shakes her head. “Right, of course.” She gives me a guilty look. “I made that up because I didn’t want to tell him about Gabe. I don’t know what I’m going to do yet. I mean he says it was nothing, but I don’t want Dad to hate him if I’m not going to break up with him.”

“Does it feel like nothing?”

Her lip trembles slightly and she wipes a finger under her eyes. “I don’t like that she was in his lap.”

“Of course. I wouldn’t either.”

“Can you just tell me what you think?” she asks. “I don’t…have anyone else that I can talk to about this.” I hear the sentiment loud and clear that once upon a time she would have gone to her mother.

“You’ve been with Gabe for a year, right?”

“A little over, yeah. We were friends for a year before that though. I just didn’t realize he liked me the entire time. And then…when everything happened he was just…so great to me. He barely left my side when she died, and I guess I just…liked that he took my mind off of it? And now I do love him.”

“Can I ask you a personal question?”

She puts her head in her hands before peeking at me through her fingers. “Can it not be about sex?”

“Sorry, but I need all the facts before I can give you my opinion.” I close my laptop.

“We haven’t had sex,” she tells me. “We’ve come close…a few times.”

“I see. What’s stopped you?”

“My dad called once. His mom came home…and…one time it just didn’t feel right.”

“Do you think it’s your subconscious telling you he’s not the right person to give your virginity to? You know you only lose it once.” I clear my throat. “And as someone who didn’t have a pleasant first experience, unfortunately, that memory of your first time sticks with you forever.”

A sad look crosses her face and she lowers her eyes to the glass in front of her. “That sounds like something my mom would say.” I watch as she slowly blinks tears from her eyes.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do and it’s easy to pass judgment and give advice on relationships that your heart and emotions aren’t invested in. What I will say, however, is if something doesn’t feel right, it usually isn’t. I don’t know what the situation was, but maybe the question you should ask is why that girl felt so comfortable to hop in his lap even if it was just for a second. Did she know he had a girlfriend? Had he been flirting with her? Unfortunately, in this situation, you can only go by what he tells you, so it’s going to be up to you if you believe what he’s saying and if you trust him. Has anything like this happened before?”

“No…” she says with a hint of hesitation and I can’t tell if she’s telling me the truth or if the hesitation implies, not that I know of.

“Margot, you are a catch. You are smart and kind and one of the most considerate people I’ve ever met, let alone for someone sixteen. You are beautiful and popular and charming and I bet guys are waiting in line for Gabe to mess up. Don’t take any nonsense from anyone.”

A smile pulls at her lips and she nods just as the sound of a door opening breaks through our conversation. Margot’s eyes widen and she shakes her head at me just before Rowan walks into the room. I try not to focus too much on how gorgeous he looks even at eight-thirty in the morning. “Good morning, ladies,” he says looking back and forth between us.

“Hi, Dad.” Margot gets up, shooting me one last glance. “Thanks, Ellie,” she says, and then she’s gone without another word.

Rowan looks at me and then points behind him where I can hear Margot walking back upstairs. Did you talk to her? he mouths and I nod.

“For now, you’re on a need-to-know basis.” I stand up and make my way to where he’s standing.

“Elianna.” He glowers. “Last night was not acceptable.”

“And she knows that.”

He puts a hand over his eyes before dragging it through his hair. “My daughters are going to be the death of me.” He lets his hand drop and his soft eyes find mine. “She’s okay?”

“She’s okay. Just a rough night.”

“Fine,” he murmurs before his eyes slide over me slowly. He takes a look behind him before grabbing me by the hand and tugging me closer to him. “How’d you sleep?”

“Okay, you?”

“A little restless thinking about you down the hall when I wanted you in bed with me but I survived.” He sighs. “I don’t know when we’ll have another night alone. Might be harder when Margot is home.”

“I know,” I whisper. He reaches up to gently stroke my face and I can’t help but lean into his touch. My eyes flutter shut and I feel the gentle brush of his lips across mine and then my cheek leaving dozens of sparks in its wake. “Rowan,” I whisper.

“Sunshine.” His nose rubs against mine and then down my neck when he grabs me by the waistband of my drawstring pants and tugs me even closer to him. His hand reaches inside both my pants and my underwear and drags a finger through my slit. “I thought about this all fucking night. Your wet cunt dripping all over me,” he murmurs low in my ear and then I feel his palm rubbing against my clit while two fingers push through my opening.

“Rowan…” I press my face into his chest to muffle the sounds.

“You’re so wet and I’ve barely touched you. I fucking love that.”

I grip his forearms in an attempt to steady myself while pleasure sizzles beneath my skin. “Oh fuck,” I whisper as I feel myself nearing the edge already.

“You’re not so innocent, are you, baby? Letting me finger you in the middle of the kitchen.” He grunts. “I need you to fucking come though. I need something to hold me over until I can get my mouth back down there.” He replaces his palm with his thumb and applies more pressure, rubbing me in circles and I find myself sinking my teeth into his chest. “Oh fuck.” His mouth is right at my ear and he bites down on my lobe in response. “Knowing that I’m the only man that’s ever licked your hot little cunt has made me fucking feral, Ellie.”

His dirty words send me over the edge and I slap a hand over my mouth to make sure no noises escape me, but even in the high of my very delicious orgasm, the sound of a door opening somewhere in the house breaks through the haze. I’m disoriented while I come down from my climax, but I feel his hand leave me and then he’s no longer standing in front of me. My eyes flutter open, just as Isla and Sabrina come through the kitchen still in their matching pajamas.

“Hi, Ellie. Hi, Daddy!” Isla climbs up on one of the bar stools and Sabrina follows suit. “Ellie, are you okay?” My eyes snap to hers and I nod enthusiastically while trying to calm my still-racing heart.

“Yes. Sorry. Breakfast?!” I resist the urge to glare at Rowan who is chuckling to himself while he washes his hands. He gives me a subtle wink when I meet his gaze and the space between my legs that is still sensitive from his assault pulses with need.

The next morning, it’s almost eight-fifteen, and while Sawyer is downstairs devouring the pancakes I made, I’m surprised Isla hasn’t come down yet. I don’t usually need to move her along; she knows when she hears Sawyer heading downstairs that she needs to as well but sometimes she’s still picking out her outfit and needs some help. I jog up the stairs and into Isla’s room to see her sitting on the edge of her bed, still in her pajama top with a pair of cobalt blue leggings like she’d gotten tired halfway through getting dressed.

“Isla? Come on. I made pancakes.” She looks up at me and I see the exhaustion all over her face. “Oh, honey, are you not feeling well?”

She shakes her head and I watch as tears well up in her eyes. “But today is Art Day. I can’t miss it.”

I kneel in front of her and put my hand on her forehead and then on her cheek; she definitely has a fever. “Oh Isla, you are burning up. You cannot go to school.”

“But…”

“I know…” I rub her back gently knowing how much she was looking forward to Art Day. “But we can have an Art Day here when you’re feeling better.”

“It’s not the same.”

“I know.” I touch her face and gently help her pull her leggings off. “But we can invite your friends from school.”

“Like…a party?” she asks, but the usual excitement in her eyes isn’t there.

“Yes.” I nod, hoping that will cheer her up some. Remembering that both Rowan and Margot are gone, I realize Isla will have to go with me to take Sawyer to school.

Rowan left before I was even awake this morning. He’d sent me a text calling me beautiful, that he couldn’t wait to see me later, to have a good day, and to let him know if we needed anything. “Honey, are you hungry?”

She shakes her head and rubs her eyes and I can see her fading fast. “Okay, we have to take Sawyer to school.” I grab a fresh pair of sweatpants for her and pull them up her legs. We’re going out in colder temperatures, so I swap her pajama shirt for a t-shirt and hoodie that I pull over her head.

“Are you going to be sick?” I ask, wondering if I should just let Sawyer stay home from school to avoid taking Isla out.

“No.”

“You sure? It’s okay if you are.”

“I’m okay.” She gets off the bed but looks like she’s about to pass out. I pick her up and she rests her head on my shoulder instantly. I rub soft circles on her back as I make my way down the stairs to see Sawyer playing on one of his portable video games.

“You know you can’t be on that before school.”

He puts it down and gives me a guilty look. “Sorry!” He frowns immediately when he sees Isla in my arms. “What’s wrong with Isla?”

“She’s sick, so she’s not going to school today, but we’re going to take you to school.”

“Oh, we can call Uncle River. Whenever one of us is sick, he usually comes to take the other one of us to school or I can text Margot.”

“Margot is in class!”

“So? I’ll text Uncle River first.” Sawyer snorts as he types away on his phone. “This way you don’t have to take Isla out.” He comes closer to me and reaches up to rub Isla’s back. “Isles, you, okay?” She nods slowly, not lifting her head from my shoulder and I notice her thumb has found her mouth which I’ve never seen her do before. “Can you just write me a note since I’m going to be late?” He picks up his phone. “Hey, Uncle Riv.” Damn, that was quick. Isn’t he a teacher? Maybe he doesn’t have a class right now. He leans over the counter. “Mmmhmm, okay hold on.” He hands me the phone.

“Hi. I was going to take her with me, but Sawyer said maybe you could come? It’s totally fine if—”

His voice—which I realize for the first time sounds so similar to Rowan’s but doesn’t have the same effect on me at all—comes through the phone. “No sweat. I have a free period now so I can be there in ten. Is she okay?”

“She has a fever, but she’ll be okay.”

“Did you call Rowan?”

“Not yet.”

Realizing I’m not going to take Isla out, I walk with her to the couch in the living room and lay her down on it, pulling her sweatshirt over her head so she doesn’t overheat.

“Let me talk to her real quick.”

I hand Isla the phone and she blinks up at me with sleepy eyes. “Is it Daddy?”

“No honey, it’s your uncle.” She nods and takes the phone from me. I walk back into the other room, grab a pad of paper from one of the drawers in the kitchen, and write Sawyer a note for his tardiness. “Is there anything specific I should know about her being sick?”

“She gets really clingy.”

“That’s normal.” I nod, knowing that most children that age are that way.

“She’ll want our mom,” he says sadly. “Or dad…” He sighs. “Maybe I should stay home. She really likes you and all but…you’re not either one of those people.”

While those words are true, they hit me harder than I anticipated, and I try to tell myself that I’m not hurt by them. “I get that,” I whisper.

“Ellie!” I hear her voice from the other room and unlike the loud exuberant voice I’m used to, she sounds soft and weak. Sawyer follows me into the living room and Isla holds Sawyer’s phone out for one of us to take.

“Isla, you want me to stay home with you?” he asks her and it warms my heart that he’s so protective of her. I was the same way when either of my sisters were sick and something tells me if Margot was aware of what was going on, she’d be the same way.

She blinks at us curiously. “Ellie, will you be here?”

I nod as I sit at the end of the couch and rub her leg gently. “Of course. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I’ll be okay then.” She reaches for the blanket that is draped over the back of the couch.

“You sure?” he asks and she nods but not before she moves across the couch and rests her head in my lap.

Twenty minutes later, Sawyer is gone, I’ve given her some Tylenol, and she’s lying on the couch moments from sleep when I decide it’s time to call Rowan. I’m not sure if he’s talked to River or Sawyer at this point, but he hasn’t called me, so I assume he hasn’t.

“Hey,” he says and I can’t stop the flutter in my chest at just that simple word.

“Hi.”

“How are you, gorgeous? Everything okay?” I can hear the smile in his voice and I love that I’m the one that put it there.

“Well…yes. It’s fine. I have everything under control, but…Isla is sick.”

“What’s wrong?” he asks and I hear the sound of a door closing.

“She has a fever. It’s that time of year that some type of bug goes around but she’s going to be fine. I gave her some Tylenol and some Pedialyte and she’s resting on the couch as we speak.” She’d moved back to the other side of the couch when she got hot, and now she’s half asleep under a cool sheet.

“Where’s Sawyer?”

“Your brother came to get him. They just left.”

“Shit, I’m sorry. I don’t think I ever went over this contingency plan.”

“It’s okay. Sawyer knew what to do. And I’ve been alone with kids where one kid is sick and the other isn’t enough times to have my own plan. I usually just pack the sick kid up with me and take them if the other has somewhere to go. It’s not ideal but there isn’t always another alternative.”

“Is she awake?”

“Barely. She did ask for you earlier when your brother called.”

“Can I talk to her?”

I look toward Isla who seems to be a little more awake probably because I’ve been talking. I get off the couch to kneel in front of her. “Hey there!” She gives me a sleepy smile and a tiny wave. “Your dad is on the phone.”

I put the phone to her ear and she takes it. “Hi, Daddy. Mmmhmm. Mmmhmm. Yeah.” I chuckle to myself because these are the fewest words I’ve ever heard her speak. “No, I’m okay. Love you too.” She hands the phone back to me.

“I’m surprised she didn’t ask me to come home,” he tells me, and I remember what Sawyer said earlier. I’m happy that I can serve as a substitute. “She can be a little clingy when she’s sick.”

“I am a nanny, you know. I am familiar.” I giggle.

“Right. Of course. Well, you’ll call me if you need anything?”

“Yes, but we’re okay. Please try not to worry.”

“I’ve never known her to get sick and not need me or…her mom.” He pauses before clearing his throat. “Thank you. She must feel safe with you.”

“Well…good. That means I’m doing my job.” I smile and I’m glad he’s not here to see how forced my smile is because I don’t think this feels like a job anymore.

Isla managed to drift off to sleep for most of the afternoon which gave me a chance to make a pot of my grandma’s chicken soup, grateful that I’d already had the oversight to take some chicken out of the freezer last night. She hasn’t eaten anything more than a few bites of toast and I’m hoping that she’ll be a little hungrier when she wakes up.

I’m sitting on the couch with her, reading on my phone when she stirs next to me and I hear a little whine leave her. I get up and kneel in front of her again and notice she’s starting to sweat. I hope that means her fever is breaking. A murmur leaves her lips and my heart breaks when I realize what she’s saying.

“Mommy…” she whines and I wish there was a way for me to take this particular pain away. I rub her cheek gently and her eyes flutter open, blinking them several times like she’s trying to focus.

“Hey, sleepyhead. Are you feeling any better?”

“Ellie…” She gives me a sad smile. “Kinda.”

“I made some soup.” I push her hair gently from her face. “Do you think you can have a couple bites of that when it’s ready?”

“Chicken noodle?”

“Of course!”

She looks toward the kitchen and sniffs, probably sensing the smell of it in the air. “You made it?”

I nod. “My grandma’s recipe.”

“Okay.”

“And then after, maybe a bath? It will help if you’re hot.”

“Okay,” she repeats.

“You’re being so brave!” I tell her. “No tears or anything. I should have known you were a big girl.”

She giggles before a tiny cough leaves her followed by a pitiful little groan. I grab the glass of water from the coffee table and hold the straw to her lips. “Thanks, Ellie.” I get up to go check on the soup when I hear her voice again. “You won’t leave, right?”

“Of course not. I told you I was staying.”

“No, I mean ever. You won’t ever leave?”

My heart squeezes in my chest. I’ve had this conversation with every single child I’ve ever nannied for. It’s a tough one to have, but I always find it better to prepare them that one day I will leave. I go over the spiel in my head that I’ve given several times but the words get caught in my throat and very different ones come out.

“I’ll be here for as long as you need me.”

A few hours later, Sawyer comes walking through the door with River right behind him and immediately they go to the kitchen.

“This soup smells so good. Is it just for Isla?” River calls out, and Isla, who seems to have a little more energy than she did this morning, giggles. She’d managed a few bites of soup but most of it was still sitting on the coffee table with her crackers and juice.

River and SJ walk into the living room each holding bowls and Isla sits up and frowns. “Don’t eat all my soup!”

“I can make more,” I tell her.

“Yeah, make more. Row is going to love this.” River nods before he walks through the living room and sits on the couch on the other side of her. “What’s going on, Isles? Are you ditching school already?” he asks.

“I’m siiiick,” she whines.

“A likely story,” he jokes, and she scowls at him.

“You look better,” Sawyer says as he sits between me and her before taking a bite of the soup. He immediately looks at me. “Seriously? What can’t you make?”

“I take that to mean you like it.”

“So good,” he says between bites. “I think we need this in the house all the time.”

“You don’t think you’ll get tired of it?” I raise an eyebrow at him and he shakes his head.

“No way,” he says before he gets off the couch and presses a kiss to Isla’s cheek. I slap a hand over my forehead. “Okay, sir, she’s sick. Would you like to be next?” I call after him. “You’re taking some Tylenol!”

“Whatever I gotta do to keep this in the house.” He points at the bowl before he disappears.

“Everything was okay though?” River asks, and I nod. “Seems you have everything under control here. Never thought I’d see the day when this house wasn’t in a state of constant chaos.” He looks down at Isla who’s back to staring at the television now that another episode of Bluey is on. “I’m really glad they have you.” He stands up, and like Sawyer, presses a kiss to her cheek. “And I am very much looking forward to holding this over my brother’s head forever. I mean I knew you’d be perfect,” he says with a knowing grin and I remember that River is aware of mine and Rowan’s recent change in our…relationship.

“Are you leaving?” Isla asks and River nods.

“I am. I have practice, but you call me later if you want me to swing by after?”

She nods. “Okay.”

“Love you, munchkin.” He looks at me. “Catch you later, Ellie.”