: Chapter 20

River mentioned that Margot is probably still awake so as soon as I get home, I go upstairs to say goodnight. When I get to her room, I’m surprised her door is wide open.

“Knock, knock,” I call from the threshold.

Margot is lying on her bed scrolling through Netflix. “Hey, Dad,” she says without looking my way in a tone that makes her sound almost bored. I close the door behind me and fold my arms over my chest.

“Alright, you want to tell me what’s been going on with you lately?”

“Nothing.” She shrugs and I move to stand in front of her television. It’s mounted on the wall behind where I’m standing, but I know I’m still blocking most of her view.

“Margot.” My tone is even yet stern because while I am not mad at her, I am not loving her attitude.

“Well, since I told Ellie and Uncle River will probably tell you, Isla had a tiny meltdown when it was time for bed because neither you nor Ellie were here to tuck her in. She calmed down after a while, but it was strange that none of us were a good enough substitute tonight.” She sits up in bed and eyes me curiously. “Ellie is staying for Thanksgiving?”

Nothing has been confirmed to my knowledge, so I’m wondering where she heard that. “Where did you hear that?”

“Is it true?”

“I know she’s thinking about it.”

“Well, apparently she told SJ and Isla and they are pumped.”

I didn’t realize she was planning to tell them this soon, but I’m wondering if they asked her outright and she didn’t know what to say. SJ loves Thanksgiving, so if it came up in passing, I can see him asking her about whether she was planning to stay. “Okay, what’s the problem with that? Ohio isn’t exactly close, Margot.”

“Isn’t that kind of strange? I mean, she’s the nanny. I wouldn’t necessarily call her family. Why would she be staying for the holidays?”

I frown because at this moment I barely recognize my own daughter. Margot is considerate and typically very sensitive to other people’s feelings and has never wanted anyone to feel left out. “Margot, what’s gotten into you? This isn’t like you and I don’t like this side I’m seeing.”

“I just think Isla and SJ are getting too attached to her, and what happens when she leaves?” Tears well up in her eyes, and I’m momentarily stunned by how much she looks like her mother. “Isla is so young and…Ellie is not her mom.”

“No one said she was and Ellie is not trying to be her mom. No one can ever take your mom’s place.”

I hadn’t expected this to be about their mother but it makes sense.

“Maybe not for me and SJ, but Isla barely remembers Mom and her memories are going to fade more as she gets older. And…Ellie?” she says, probably shocked to hear me call her by her nickname when I’ve only ever referred to her as Elianna in front of them.

I move to sit on the edge of her bed. “Is this what’s made you so upset lately?”

“I just don’t want them to get hurt.”

“No one wants that, Margot.”

“Can’t you see, if Ellie leaves, once again they lose another woman in their life who was supposed to take care of them? Even if mom were still alive, there’s a reason why children bond so heavily with their nannies. It’s because they see her as a mother figure. Dad, this isn’t rocket science and I feel like you can’t see that because you like her.” I don’t say anything because I don’t know what to say, having not been prepared to have this conversation with anyone tonight. Margot must take my silence for confirmation because she continues much to my irritation. “That’s what I thought…is something going on between the two of you?”

I get off her bed, not wanting to continue this conversation. “Margot, I understand your concerns, but it is not your job to worry about that.”

She scoffs and blinks the tears away and I can see the anger all over her face. “Not my job to worry about what? My siblings? Somebody has to!” she says, raising her voice a little louder than she’d been talking.

Fury spikes in my veins. “First of all, watch your tone, young lady. You think I don’t worry about your siblings? All I do is worry about you three.”

“Answer my question, Dad.” She stands up, crossing her arms over her chest.

“I don’t owe you any explanation. I’m your father.”

“When it’s convenient, sure!” she argues and I am shocked by this overall reaction and her attitude.

I glare at her, daring her to continue. “You want to run that by me again?”

“Before Ellie started you were rarely ever home before eight, and now you’re reading to Isla before bed and going to SJ’s games all of a sudden? Coming home early? It’s like you’ve adapted all these new behaviors because you’re trying to impress her.” She shakes her head at me. “And the fact that you won’t deny it, tells me all I need to know. This is even worse! Now, you’re what—dating her? And then when things go south, you expect her to just stay here working for you and looking after them? No, they’ll lose her because of you. You can’t honestly be that selfish.”

Hearing her thoughts about me makes me feel like my heart is being ripped from my chest. I’m hurt that she’s hurt and I’m angry that she’s angry. I’m worried that she’s right and that I have been selfish when all I’ve tried to do is be the best father to them. And because I can’t make sense of my thoughts, I say the first thing I can think of. “You’re grounded.”

“For what? Telling you the truth that Uncle River won’t?” she scoffs.

“No,” I snap, “because you are so out of line and I don’t know where you got the idea that you could talk to me like that.”

“Fine. Someone needed to tell you this, and for the record, you guys could both use a lesson in covering your tracks. You guys both mysteriously are out of the house tonight, you both come home dressed like you were just on a date, and she smells like you and you smell like her.” She glares at me before tossing pillows off of her bed. “And to your point, if you don’t ‘owe me an explanation,’ then why lie about it?”

“Because you’re not meant to know everything that’s going on all the time. This isn’t about you, Margot. It’s between me and Elianna.”

“That’s exactly my point, Dad.” She lies down on her bed and turns off the lamp on her nightstand. “I got it, I’m grounded. Can I go to bed now? I have a history test first period.” She turns her television off, turns her back to me and I hear a sniffle seconds later.

“Margot…”

“Just go, Dad, please.”

I don’t know what to say to her. At the end of the day, I had lied to her and I think that’s driving some of her hurt. “Love you the most,” I tell her before I slowly walk out of her room.

I’m stuck somewhere between sadness and anger when I see Ellie sitting on the steps. We weren’t yelling, but we were certainly loud enough that she probably heard everything. The look on her face matches the one on mine and after checking on Isla and SJ and seeing them still asleep, I follow her downstairs. I usher her into my bedroom and she sits across from me on the bed.

“How much did you hear?”

“All of it,” she says. “After the conversation we had when I got home, I thought there was more to her frustration.”

I sigh, wondering what she could have said to Ellie and hoping it wasn’t anything like what she’d said to me. “I’m sorry, you’re tied up in this. What did she say to you?”

“Don’t apologize. I’m just as involved. She didn’t ask me if there was anything between us. She just mentioned that she thought Isla was getting too attached and about what happened at bedtime.”

I pull off my jacket and toss it on the lounger in the corner before sitting on the bed next to her. “She thinks I’m selfish.”

“You’re not selfish, Rowan. I’ve never been in this situation so I’m not exactly sure how to navigate it either, but I think this is potentially stemming from seeing you with another woman that’s not her mom while also being worried about SJ and Isla. I do think she is worried about them and I get that. It was some of my hesitation as well.” She puts a hand on mine and squeezes it gently. “You are a good dad.”

I let my eyes close slowly, feeling disappointment in myself replacing the previous anger and sadness. “Don’t make me repeat it.” Especially because at the moment I do not feel like I am.

“It’s possible that you were going to have this conversation about anyone you were choosing to bring into their life. Maybe Margot thought she was prepared because she was fine with the idea of you dating. It’s very different from actually seeing you with someone else.” I know she’s trying to cheer me up but all I can focus on is Margot calling me selfish. I stand up without another word and begin unbuttoning my shirt. “Can you tell me what you’re thinking?” Ellie asks and I hate the nerves I hear in her voice. Like maybe she’s thinking I’m going to take this situation out on her. I don’t blame her and I hope I’m able to convey that properly.

“Their mother called me selfish. Often. Hearing my daughter say that…it just took me back, I guess. Bianca would say I cared more about work than her…than them…” I sigh, recalling the number of fights we had because I’d been late or missed something I’d promised the kids. “She told me one day I’d wake up and the kids would barely know me.” I clear my throat. “I’ve really tried to be better about showing up for them. I guess it hasn’t been good enough.”

“Rowan, you’re a single dad with a demanding job. You can only do so much. They have more of your time than I had with my dad growing up,” she says, and while I know she isn’t placating me, I can’t help but feel like it.

“Yeah, and you wish you had more,” I tell her while I pull off the rest of my clothes and put on a pair of sweatpants.

“Of course, but I know that wasn’t his fault.”

I go into my bathroom and stare at myself in the mirror. I don’t know how long I’m in here before Ellie comes in and sits on the edge of the counter looking up at me.

“You are allowed to have a life, Rowan.”

“But I’m not allowed to have you.” I chuckle.

“Says who?”

“My almost seventeen-year-old daughter apparently.”

She looks down at her hands and I can see the sadness written all over her. “Do you want to take a break…”

“No,” I tell her, already knowing what she was planning to say. “She knows now. What would be the point of ending this?” The thought hits me hard and I turn my gaze to hers. “Unless you’re planning to leave?”

“No…” Her bottom lip trembles slightly and when I turn her gaze to mine, her eyes are watery. “I’ve always tried to maintain a healthy distance with the kids I nanny for. There’s always a plan in place for me to leave and…I try my best not to get attached.” She rubs her nose and under her eyes. “And most of the time it works. I feel sad of course when I leave them but…with your kids…” She trails off. “The thought of leaving them—it hurts more than usual. And I feel like I’ve known this for a while. Since I met Isla in the grocery store when she teared up about her mother.”

I stare at her in shock. “She cried?” I didn’t know that. No wonder she came to meet me.

“Yeah…umm…I never really gave you the whole story. I wasn’t hiding it, I just kind of forgot and I didn’t want you to get mad at River.” She chuckles sadly. “She was by herself; I think I mentioned she was climbing the shelves. I asked her who she was with, if she was with her mom and she said no and that she died.” I hadn’t known Isla to talk about her mother at all, and it makes me wonder if there had been signs I hadn’t seen. “I told her that mine did too, and I don’t know, maybe she felt comfortable or safe but she teared up and then she hugged me. I think I’ve been attached ever since.” She shakes her head and looks up at me. “But I know I’m not their mother, and God, I hope Margot doesn’t think I’m trying to take her place. Jacqueline thinks I took this job because a part of me was trying to rewrite the past. Do better for SJ and Isla than I ever did for my sisters…and be the person for Margot that I wish someone had been for me.” She pauses before she raises her hand and lets it drop to her thigh in defeat. “But now she hates me. So…” A feeling of sadness washes over me thinking about Ellie as a child in the same situation that my kids are in now and how growing up without a mother is something I can’t understand no matter how much I try to be there for them.

I shake my head at her and rest my hands on her shoulders, forcing her gaze upwards to meet mine. “She doesn’t hate you, and listen to me, Ellie…I am so happy they have you. I know you are not trying to replace her, but Margot was right about one thing. You are a motherly figure to them and I’m glad it’s someone who cares about them as much as you do.” I pull her into my arms and press a kiss to her forehead and then her nose. “Please don’t cry.”

“I just don’t want to be the cause of a strain between you and Margot. A good nanny doesn’t—”

I pull back to look at her. “I think you are far past just being the nanny, wouldn’t you say?” I interject.

“I guess.”

I cup her face and stroke my thumbs over the apples of her cheeks. “There’s no guessing. You’re good for them. All of them. Margot included, even if she doesn’t see it right now. And you’re good for me. You make me want to be better for them and for me. We will work all of this out, but I’m not letting you leave us.” I press my lips softly to hers. “That includes me, by the way.”

“I don’t want to…and even before I didn’t mean a break for forever.”

“I’m not letting you get away at all. Not even for a second.”

I somehow convinced Ellie to stay with me last night, and I’m pleasantly surprised to wake up and find her still in bed with me. My arm is wrapped possessively around her middle with her back to me and I hope there will come a time when she’s here every night. I kiss the back of her shoulder before trailing kisses slowly up her neck and to her cheek before she stirs against me, rubbing against my dick in the process.

“Mmm.” She moans and the sound does nothing for the thickening in my sweatpants. She turns in my arms and her eyes flutter open slowly. It must take her a second to register that she’s in bed with me because a sleepy smile finds her face and then they fly open. “Shit!” she whispers. “What time is it?” She goes to get up when I hold her tighter and drag my nose against hers. “Early. No one is awake yet.”

She lets out a soft sigh. “I should go,” she tells me but I have other plans for her.

“Not yet,” I murmur as I slide my hands up her t-shirt and cup her breasts. “Five minutes.”

She narrows her gaze at me. “Five minutes, Rowan,” she says in what I imagine is the same stern voice she uses with SJ and Isla, and I chuckle.

“Ten at the most,” I tell her as I pull her to straddle me. She crosses her arms over her chest and I put both of my hands up in surrender. “Hey, it’s up to you how long you’re in here. The sooner you come, the sooner you can leave.” I grin at her and a mischievous look finds her face. She goes to pull my dick out of my sweatpants when I grab her wrist, halting her movements and she looks at me curiously. “I’ve been wondering…” I tell her while reaching my hand up and dragging my thumb over her covered sex. “If we can make you come like this.”

“Like what?”

“With our clothes on. We didn’t get a chance to explore this last week.” I grip her thighs, pulling her tighter against me before rocking her slightly back and forth over my dick.

“Oh.” The word comes out with a gush of air and she lays her palms flat on my chest to give herself some leverage. She begins to move her hips, chasing the high that I can already feel getting closer with every stroke. She moves herself back and forth and I trail my hands up her legs to her hips to help her move faster.

“You’re doing so good, baby. Feels good, doesn’t it?”

“Ye–yes…” she stammers. “For you too?”

“Fuck yes,” I tell her. “You’re going to make me come this way too, sunshine.”

She slows down, teasing us both as she rocks slowly and my heart begins to beat in time with the throbbing in my dick. I start thrusting upwards when she grinds down, and soon we find a perfect rhythm. Her hands move up to my shoulders, shifting her weight and I slide my hands back up her shirt to find those pebbled nubs I wish were in my mouth. I rub my thumbs over both of them before settling on a continuous circular motion causing her to gasp.

“Oh my God.” Her eyes squeeze shut as her movements become more erratic. “I’m going to come.”

My balls are aching with the need to release and I know I won’t be far behind her when she climaxes. “Rowan, oh God, right there.”

“Take whatever you need, baby.” She moves like she’s riding me and then her mouth falls open and I watch as the orgasm washes over her, but she doesn’t stop, she just continues to rub herself against me. I tighten my grip on her again as her hands move to my thighs and she begins to rub herself against me even harder. “Fuck, I’m there. You’re so fucking incredible, making us come like this.” I groan and just when I’m on the edge, she grabs one of my hands and slides one of my fingers into her mouth. She bites down gently before she winks in a way that is somehow both sexy and shy and then I come, shooting ropes of cum inside my pants.