: Chapter 8

“Start talking,” I tell him before he’s barely across the threshold to my office.

It’s been less than a month since I got a call from their school regarding Sawyer’s behavior and I knew I shouldn’t have gotten so comfortable. “Dad, it’s not a big deal.” He sits in the chair in front of my desk.

I cross my arms over my chest. “Oh? Then why are you ‘not suspended?’”

He looks at me innocently. “Well, I sorta got into a fight with a guy at school.”

I feel the anger rising but until I get the full story, I find myself wanting to know who the hell put their hands on my son. “A fight!? Sawyer…”

“Not physical, relax. I did push him though.”

I feel the anger leaving my body only to be replaced by annoyance. “I will certainly not relax. What happened?”

“He was…talking about Ellie, alright?”

My eyes widen, because of all the things he could have said, I was not expecting him to say that. “Elianna?”

He holds his hands out. “Do we know another Ellie?” he asks, giving me a look that says duh.

“You are about one smart comment away from being grounded.”

“He was talking about my ‘hot nanny.’ I guess he overheard his dad talking about her.”

Irritation spikes in my veins thinking about some ten-year-old repeating whatever vile comments he may have heard his father say, and I remember that Ellie said she didn’t know what happened. “And you didn’t tell Ellie?”

He shrugs. “I didn’t know what to say.”

Fair. I imagine it would probably be an awkward conversation for anyone to have with her let alone a ten-year-old. “What did this kid say?”

“Just that she’s hot and that his dad wishes he’d thought of hiring her first.” Asshole.

I run a hand over my jaw and eye him pensively. “How much trouble are you in?”

“I have detention for two days next week.”

“Did you tell your teacher why you were fighting?”

He nods. “I did. The other guy got five days. As much as I don’t like snitching, he was being an ass.”

I groan. “Don’t say ass.”

“Well, he was!”

I scratch my forehead, not wanting to condone him getting in an altercation but proud of him for not letting anyone talk any shit. “Alright. Get out of here,” I tell him and he jumps up.

“Sweet, I’m not in trouble?”

“No. You let me know if that kid says anything else.” I haven’t completely ruled out going straight to that kid’s father myself.

“You got it, boss.” He salutes before he’s out of the door without another word, probably thinking I might change my mind about him being in trouble if he lingers too long.

“And keep your hands to yourself!” I call after him.

A few moments later, Elianna appears in the doorway with a frown. “He was fighting?”

“He just pushed a kid…”

“Just?” I can tell she wants to ask more questions but she looks down at the small piece of paper in her hands. “Before I forget, I was supposed to give you this.” She walks into my office. “And to tell you that Corinne says hi.” She nods, holding it out for me to take.

“Who?” I ask as I take the piece of paper and Elianna tilts her head to the side.

“Really?” she snorts. “Shoulder-length dark hair, blue eyes, really pretty. She’s a mom at the school. She said she talked to you this morning.”

Memories of more than a few moms surrounding me at my car while I was trying to say goodbye to Isla come flooding back and I internally grimace. “Right, thanks.”

“She seemed nice. Maybe you could ask her out? Remember the whole trying to get out more thing?” She points at the piece of paper in my hands. “I did peek. It’s her phone number. She wants you to call her.”

I open the paper and sure enough, I see the ten numbers printed neatly underneath her name. “I never said I wanted to get out more. Besides, I don’t think so.”

“How come?”

“Because I’m not interested?” I look up at her before tossing the piece of paper to the side. “And why did you peek anyway?” Maybe it’s wishful thinking but I wonder if she is feeling a little jealous.

A hint of pink coats her cheeks. “Curiosity? You seem to be very popular with the moms at Rosewood. She’s not the first to mention you,” she says with a wink.

“I’m sorry if they’re bothering you.”

She waves me off. “No, it’s fine.”

“I’m not interested in any of the moms at their school,” I tell her, and I hope she believes that but I try not to fixate on why that is.

“Okay, well, I did my job,” she says and it seems like she’s about to leave when she stops. “Wait, what happened with Sawyer?”

I rub a hand behind my neck and let out a disgruntled sigh. “Shut the door.”

She does as I ask, but her eyes look nervous. “Is everything okay?”

“Maybe? It seems that Sawyer heard some kid talking about his…nanny.”

Her hand freezes while she’s tucking a curl behind her ear and I can see the embarrassment all over her face. “Me?”

“Mmmhmm. I’m not even mad at how he handled it. If I’d heard some man talking about you, I would have probably done worse.”

“Oh.” She swallows and I wonder if I’ve made her nervous. She crosses her arms over her chest. “What did he say?”

“I believe the word hot was used?”

A hand covers her mouth. “Oh my gosh. I am so sor–”

I stare at her dumbfounded. “You can’t be serious. You’re not actually going to apologize, are you?”

She fidgets with her hands and avoids my gaze. “I just…don’t know what else to say. He got in trouble over it and…do you want me to talk to Sawyer?”

“No…he’s fine. Everything’s okay. Do not apologize either.” Her eyes meet mine, sparkling and gorgeous and the words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. “Can’t say I blame that kid to be honest.”

Later that night, I’m sitting on my patio having a cigar when the sound of the glass door opening gets my attention. SJ and Isla are asleep and it’s a Friday night, so Margot probably won’t be coming in a minute before her newly set midnight curfew. As I expected, she is enjoying having more freedom and not having to come home right after school. I check her location again and see her icon hovering over the movie theatre where she told me she’d be tonight. She’s never blatantly lied about her whereabouts before but I also know it only takes one instance of mischief for something to happen or for it to become a habit. So, when I turn my head toward the source of the noise, I’m not surprised to see Elianna poking her head through the opening. “Hey, I don’t mean to bother you, but I just want to make sure you aren’t planning to eat anything else before I put the food away.”

“No, I’m good and you’re not bothering me.” I’ve noticed that this is the second time she’s said something along these lines and it makes me wonder about the people that she’s nannied for who may have made her feel like she was a burden. “I wish you’d stop thinking you were,” I add as an afterthought, probably brought on by the glass of scotch I’m nursing.

She shifts her feet and I briefly wonder if my comment has made her uncomfortable. “Well, you say you come out here to have twenty minutes of peace and quiet, if I recall,” she says as she leans against the door jam.

I lean forward in the chair, resting my arms on my thighs while I fidget with the glass in my hand. “Right.”

She doesn’t say anything for a few moments but I can feel her gaze on the side of my face. “Are you okay?”

I don’t respond at first because I don’t want to unleash this on her. I don’t want to talk about what today was or what it meant that I felt this strange wave of sadness that I still don’t understand. “I didn’t think I would struggle with the grief this much,” I tell her when I realize she probably won’t believe me if I tell her I’m fine. She takes a slow step outside, sliding the glass door behind her, and sitting in the chair next to me. “We were divorced, you know? I guess I’m surprised that her absence and the grief that follows still have the power to catch me so off guard.” I take another sip, wishing the burn would erase the one caused by my words.

“Grief is one of those things that really can’t be explained. There’s no real reason as to why it sneaks up on you and I don’t think you’re ever really through it.”

“I mean I guess I shouldn’t be surprised why it did today. It was our wedding anniversary,” I tell her. “Fourteen years and three kids and now she’s just…gone.” I sigh, feeling the weight of my words pressing down on me. “I guess a part of me feels guilty. We were married and then we got divorced and she met this other guy. He was pretty decent. He was crazy about my kids. He loved her better than I did, and…she barely had any time with him.” I feel the emotion in my throat.

“Life sometimes can just be really unfair,” she says softly with understanding eyes.

“It’s different but I feel similarly about Isla. She barely had any time with her mom and now she has to live the rest of her life without her.” Memories of having to explain death to my very confused five-year-old flashes through my mind and my stomach turns.

The faint sounds of the trees rustling are the only sounds to be heard before Elianna cuts through the silence. “I can’t speak for your kids but I will say that my youngest sister, Eden, was a little younger than Isla when our mom died, and…it was not easier…by any means, but different than it was for me and Emily. Eden misses the idea of having a mom because her memories aren’t as clear and the ones she does have are when my mom was at her sickest. Her memories have faded so much over the years that she’ll tell you that sometimes she forgets the sound of her voice whereas Emily and I can still hear it clearly. I used to be jealous of her when we were younger. I thought that if some of my memories would just fade, it wouldn’t hurt as much. Of course, Eden wishes she had more memories. It just sucks all around for everyone involved because everyone has their own journey with grief. Their own pain.” She gives me a forlorn smile. “Even you. Even though you weren’t married or the love had faded. You’re probably mourning your marriage all over again through a different lens. Like you’re mourning the love of a past life.”

I look over at her, but she’s not looking at me. Instead, she’s looking out at my backyard. “You said your mom was sick?”

“Yeah, she had cancer. It was…tough.” She shivers and I realize she’s only wearing a thin long-sleeved shirt and sweatpants. It’s slowly inching below fifty degrees but I’m wondering if it’s her memories causing the sudden tremor and not the weather. She doesn’t say anything more and I take that to mean she won’t be elaborating.

“I’m so sorry.” I rest a hand over hers and give it a brief squeeze. “Their mom died in a car accident.” I swallow. “It was raining and she was on her way to pick up SJ from school. Isla wasn’t in school yet, but she wasn’t with her. She was with Bianca’s mother.” I hear the sharp intake next to me and I can already hear her thoughts because it’s the same most people have. SJ blames himself for what happened. I lean back in my chair. “He doesn’t know.” I rub the back of my neck. “I mean he’s a smart kid, so he might know that the reason she’d be in the car at that time is because she was going to pick him up, but I’ve never explicitly said it. My brother went to pick him up and he never thought anything of it. He just assumed it was the plan all along and River was just a little late.” My eyes shut as the memories of that day come flooding back. “I’ve never driven that fast in my life. I didn’t even have enough sense at the moment to realize that if I had gotten in an accident, they could have potentially lost both of their parents in one day.”

“I’m really sorry, Rowan,” she says. “For you and them.”

“Thanks.” I down the rest of my drink and reach next to me to grab the bottle of scotch. “I assume you won’t join me,” I say to her as I pour myself another drink.

She bites her bottom lip and looks behind her toward the door and I wonder if she’s going to agree. “Maybe later? I just…Margot isn’t home yet and in case for whatever reason someone needs to go get her, I’d rather be safe. But I’ll sit here with you.”

I chuckle darkly. “The fact that you even thought of that and I didn’t…I hate feeling like a shitty dad. Like the person who was better at parenting died.”

“No. That’s…you’re not a shitty dad, Rowan. And if this is the road you’re trying to go down tonight, I’m taking that from you,” she says looking at the glass in my hand.

“This is only my second drink. I’m not drunk. Far from it. I feel this way while I’m sober, trust me.”

“And alcohol can aggravate those feelings.” She gives me a hard look. “Do I need to take that?” She points at my glass.

“No.”

“Now, say you’re a good dad.”

“Elianna, I’m fine.”

“Say it, or I’m taking it.”

I side-eye her briefly before looking down at my drink. “I’m a good dad.”

“Say it again.”

I grit my teeth. “You’re being ridiculous.”

“Well, that makes two of us then.”

I snap my eyes to hers and she’s giving me a look that’s almost scolding.

“I’m a good dad.”

“They are lucky to have you, Rowan. They are crazy about you. Any annoyance you may feel from them is normal child growing pains. They miss their mom, of course, but they would be just as distraught had it been you in that car.”

I rarely talk about Bianca and my feelings surrounding her death to anyone but my therapist and I haven’t talked to her in months. Every once in a while, I’ll talk to River but I’ve never even gotten this deep with him so I’m shocked that I’ve unloaded all of this on Elianna. “Thank you for listening by the way.”

She nods. “Is this why you worked from home today?”

“Maybe? I actually didn’t realize it until I was on my first call of the day, but maybe subconsciously I knew it was today and my mind just made me believe I needed the day due to exhaustion.”

“I’m glad you stayed home. You should take more days.”

“I wish it were that easy.” My phone lights up on the table in front of us. I lean forward and I see a text from Margot telling me she’s on her way home. “Margot’s on her way.” Elianna nods but she doesn’t say anything. She just tucks her feet under her and continues to stare out into the night. “Do they tell you that?” I ask her and she turns her head to me, tilting it to the side in question. “The kids…do they tell you that they wish I was home more?”

“They haven’t specifically said that, no, but I know they wouldn’t hate spending more time with you.” She gives me a soft smile and leans forward again. “They’re going to be okay, Rowan. You will all be okay.”

“This is just not how I saw this going, you know. Even after we divorced…I still always saw her in the picture. Their graduations and I don’t know sitting next to her when they got married. She was a really good mom.”

“Life rarely goes the way we think it will.”

“How did you think yours would go? You’re still so young. You can still take your life any way you want to go.”

She chuckles. “I think my life is kind of set now too. I feel as if I’m so conditioned to take care of everyone else and their needs that I don’t even know what it is I want. Something that’s just for me. I’m here for school but I’ll probably go back to Ohio when I graduate.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I don’t know. I like Maryland but being away from my dad can be tough.”

“Are you guys close?”

“Yeah.” She winces. “Probably another sore subject with my younger sister because she says I’m the favorite.” She rolls her eyes. “Which is such BS by the way. Eden is the favorite. I was just…the only one who could help and it took a lot off of my dad. So our bond is different. He trusts me with everything. A lot of things are in my name. I’m his power of attorney…” She waves her hand as if to say et cetera. “Normal oldest sibling things plus some. You get it, I’m sure.”

I knew the pressures of being an older sibling well. “Of course.”

“Not to mention, my dad was pretty pissed when she got pregnant.”

The fact that her sister was the same age Margot is now, sends a wave of anxiety through me and it worries me that I don’t know for sure if her and Gabe are doing…well that. “I’m shocked he didn’t kill whoever the dad is.” I chuckle, thinking about what I’d do in that situation and I’m pretty sure it involves having to pull some strings to avoid jail time.

“Oh, believe me, the only reason he didn’t when he found out was because the father wasn’t eighteen yet and he didn’t want to go to jail for endangering a minor. By the time he turned eighteen, my niece was two and my father was in love with being a grandfather. My sister married him and they’re happy, but sometimes I think my father is just waiting for him to step a toe out of line, so he can beat the hell out of him for it all.”

Sometime later, we’re still sitting outside in relative silence when Margot slides the glass door open. “Hi?” Her eyes ping-pong back and forth between us and Elianna gives her a warm smile.

“Hey, are you hungry?” she asks as she stands up.

“No, I ate at the movies,” she says while staring at me with a look I’d never seen before.

“Well, I’m going to put the food away then,” Elianna says before sliding past Margot, rubbing her shoulder as she passes. “I like this lip color.” She points and then closes the door behind her.

Margot stares after her before turning her annoyed eyes—that at the moment remind me of her mother—to me. “You’re drinking with the nanny now?” She raises an eyebrow at me and I narrow my gaze at her.

“No? Just me. You see? Only one glass.” I hold it up. She crosses her arms over her chest. “Yes?”

“And how would you feel if Gabe and I were sitting outside in the dark like this.” It’s not exactly dark with the lanterns I have lining the terrace but it definitely gives it a sensual glow.

“Pretty angry because you’re not old enough to drink,” I tell her, not liking where this conversation is headed.

“You know what I’m saying.”

“Actually, Margot, I don’t.”

I can feel the tension between us but she doesn’t press it further. “Whatever. I’m going to my room.” She doesn’t wait for a reply before she’s back inside, and just like that all of those earlier feelings are back.