Chapter 24: Courage
By show, Audra meant only one thing. Her, pretending that she was into me and affected by the sage. Me, pretending that I liked it, but not so much.
But at the same time, I really did. How do I even begin?
The two of us went to the middle of the town where we knew that almost everybody could see us, straight to an empty table. The problem with thisâ more than being surrounded by crazies, was how we were going to pull this off.
Audra, still trembling from the cold, whispered on my ear. "A-are you s-sure this is the only way for them to trust us, Pax? F-for them l-leave us alone?"
"Yes."
She nodded, convinced. I told her last night about the whole trust issue with Conduit's inhabitants. It was a constant test in here. Every day was an exam, and they would do things to break you. Yet I was still baffled when she gave me a flash of uncertainty. Audra hardly had any of them. I didn't think she was capable of it.
"Do you want to quit?" I whispered, "While we still have the chance?"
"N-no." She shivered again. I wanted to console her. But Audra took a deep breath, wrapped her arms around her, so I could do nothing but to keep my hands to myself. Wait for her to speak again. "If w-we do this," she said. "Do not think any less of me, Pax."
"Why would I?" I asked.
Another flash of doubt on her face. Afterwards, she shook her head as if she didn't know what to say, except. "I'm yours now."
My world completely turned upside down when she pushed me to the table without warning. Pinning me down, she threw back her hair, and gave me this look that made something travel all the way to the pit of my navel. Afterwards, she danced.
Well, dance was not a term I should use. It was more like a bachelorette party, and out of the invisible box she went. Moving her hips slowly, her hands going to her hair. Meanwhile, all I could do was stare at her, mesmerized.
This was wrong. This was right. Not in front of so many people. But I could see the necessity for it, so as best as I could, I tried to stay still.
Audra, without saying anything then, jumped back up, yanked me to my feet. "Somewhere private?" she said, her voice carrying over to anyone who had decided to watch.
But even before I could nod, we were running. She was chuckling to herself, seeing the people's reaction, but I was weary of them. This was all for show.
Finally, she pushed me inside a house. A random oneâ we didn't know who it belonged to.
Then pushed me to the bed. Took off her top.
"Audra, what are you doing?!" I said.
"Shh!"
But I could hear the shuffles outside. We had drawn quite a crowd.
Inside, she whispered, "You moan when I tell you to."
"Audra!"
"It's your plan, not mine. Now moan."
"Uhm . ."
She gave me an impatient stare. I could see it through the slabs of light coming from wherever.
"Are we doing this or not?" she asked.
"O-of course we are. But!"
"Do you trust me, Pax?"
"I do." And it was the truth. If I would trust anyone in the world, it was her.
Her face, which was full of uncertainties earlier, settled onto calmness. "I trust you too," she said, before dipping her head low and licking my neck.
This time, I moaned for real.
"Tell me where you want me to go," she whispered. "What makes you get off?"
Damn, this was a totally awkward situation. Why had the author of my life placed this upon me?
"Pax?" Audra said, still waiting.
"M-my ears," I stammered. "I'd like it if you kiss me there."
Audra's lips traveled to my face, then to the side, and soon, she was nipping on the tip of my ear. My hands grabbed onto the blanket, fisted.
"Where else?" she whispered.
"Audra, please."
But even as I was at the end of my complaints, she had flipped us over. Now, I was on top. And she, for the first time ever, looking vulnerable below me.
"Pax. . ."
"Y-yes?"
"I'm sorry for stealing your first kiss," she whispered.
My eyes narrowed at her, my arms limping. What the hell do I say to that?
Audra, looking bothered for some reason, placed the final nail to my coffin. "But if you'll allow me. . . If you allow me, I want to kiss you for real."
"What?"
"That was my first kiss too," she said. "I want to do this properly."
I took a deep breath. Exhaled. For her to say that was. . .
Audra smiled at me, no nervousness or doubts anymore. "I'll let you make the first move, Pax."
She closed her eyes. And I, not knowing what to do, said a silent curse.
But I knew it wouldn't stop me anymore. She wanted this. Requested it. And who was I to say no?
My head lowered onto hers, and willingly, her hands wrapped around me.
After a split-second, we melted onto a kiss.
Audra was. . . I couldn't think of anything when her lips opened to receive my tongue. Both of us were trembling. Both of us groaning. Our hands searching each other's skin, not knowing what we were even looking for. Not knowing exactly where to begin.
And even as the kiss ended, I was full of confusion. Even her, I could see, was struggling to figure out what just occurred. This was all unexpected. Not part of our plan at all.
"That was. . ." Her hand went to my face, yet she didn't say anything anymore.
I was too busy telling my heart not to jump out of my chest to respond to her. And I didn't know what was for show or not, but when Audra pulled me closer to her, I knew that, perhaps, it could be something real.
And then she whispered to me, "I'm happy it was with you, Pax. I'd always wanted it to be with you."
My mind was understandably all over the place come dawn. Not only because it was our one and only opportunity to get out of there, but because Audra and I had spent the night sleeping beside each other, aside from the kiss.
Once she pried the door of the hut open at dawn, though, she was all business againâ guarded not with me, but with everything else.
Turning to me in the dark, she whispered, "They're all asleep outside. This is it."
"Yeah," I whispered back.
"You stay behind me."
Wait, what?
For the first time ever, there was something inside me that said not to let her go out the door first. If someone was going to get hurt here, it was me, so I stepped forward which made her cock her eyebrows.
Yes, I could feel it in the dark so strongly.
"Pax, what are you doing?" she said.
"Going first," I replied.
Audra pulled me behind, shook her head firmly. "No, I would go first."
"But you saidâ"
"I know what I said," she whispered. "We would do this together. But I'll be able to defend us better if this goes wrong. You know that."
I did. But I still pouted. I didn't want to argue that much about it. Yet Audra just had to continue with, "Seriously. Just one kiss and she thinks she's Superman."
I scowled, which made her chuckle. "Just kidding," she whispered. "I'm not belittling you."
Of course, she wasn't belittling me.
Either way, we finally crept out of the hut, her in front. Audra was just saying facts as she normally did. But in that one statement, I had proven that she could be just as savage as best friend if she wanted to. Which made me gasp out loud. Shit!
"What?!" Audra whipped her head to me so fast, it made me dizzy. Face lighted by the moon now, fists drawn up like she was about to fight, she glanced behind me, then to the sides. And upon seeing that no one was chasing us in the sleeping town, relaxed a little, though raised her eyebrows for an explanation. "Why did you gasp?"
"Neil!" I said, semi-whisper, semi-yelling. "I'd forgotten about Neil!"
Audra's brows drew together. It had completely slipped my mind to tell her about him.
"Neil?" she said. "What do you mean Neil?"
"He's here! He's hidden!" And what was more, he was badly hurt. I had forgotten all about it.
Audra, quick to pick up, didn't ask anymore questions aside from the most important ones though. "Where?"
If my mind was all over the place earlier as we slipped out of the hut, it was completely broken now, and I was hyperventilating. One, I had almost forgotten about Neil. And two, Audra sees him, the jig was up. She would hate me, for doing things to him.
So once I knew that we we near where Neil was contained, I pulled Audra to the side, inhaled a mighty breath, tried to calm down, but it wasn't working. My stomach was turning too strongly for that.
"L-Listen," I stammered. "Before we go see him, I have something to say."
"What?"
"He's hurt. Audra, he's hurt."
I tried to avoid Audra's eyes but couldn't. It was all over me, soldering me from top to bottom.
"I did it to him," I added. "And I'm sorry."
Audra continued gazing at me. We were losing more time as we did this. But I didn't care. It was her best friend. Her Neil. . . She was close to him even before she kissed me. And whatever that kiss meant was not clear cut yet. It could still change us in a heartbeat.
My breath hitched, though, when instead of shunning me, Audra's face softened, her hands reaching to my shoulders. "I would hurt anyone for you too," she said.
It wasn't just words. It was a promise. And though I didn't understand where it was coming from, I believed her when she said it, felt a shiver running down my back as she drew our foreheads together. "Now where is he?" she said.
Neil wasn't asleep when we came into his chamber. He was suffering. Not bleeding anymore, though the cuts all over him had reached his neck.
I could barely look at him when Audra ran forward, so fast that it was all a blur, and began to untie him from the pole.
I stood back, feeling out of place at the reunion.
"Female. . ." Neil said, once he was sitting on the ground. It was not the usual banter tone that he would give. But was instead more mellow, more subdued. Like it was taking all of his efforts to do so.
Audra, in turn, embraced him to her. "Male. . ."
It was like a car crash happening, but I couldn't turn away. They were obviously closer than I'd ever expect. Not in a lover kind of way because both of them were gay, but enough to stir the green-eyed monster in my chest.
They understood each other. And I was merely a spectator. It was hard for me to swallow.
"Can you stand up?" Audra asked.
"Yeah. . ."
Audra helped Neil to his feet, much to my dismay. At this angle, with him up and ready to go, I could see every welt, every bruise and every cut, knowing that I did it to him. Knowing that I could hurt another person this much unintentionally.
Audra added salt to the wound by saying, "I need you to help him now, Pax. Please. . ."
I winced. I knew why she'd request that, of course. She was our fighter. Our guide out of here. Me, holding Neil instead of her, was so much better.
But not for my conscience.
I was balking when I came up to them. Neil didn't saying anything from there. The transfer from Audra to me happened so quickly.
And then Audra was turning to us, a set look on her face. "Just follow me," she said.
The three of us hobbled out of there, keeping to the walls, listening for every footstep. Once in a while, Audra would ask me if we were going the way she thought she was going, and I would answer her with a yes.
Apparently, she knew where the exit was. She had seen it when she was taken here the first time, but needed my advice nonetheless to traverse the maze. Kind of like knowing where you were going, but semi-relying on a GPS just the same.
We were almost back to the dwellings when everything went wrong.
"Stop."
It was not a request. It was a command from Audra, and Neil and I knew exactly why.
There was someone, coming from behind us. Whoever it was, was light-footed, but sure. Audra didn't look to be liking it just the same, pointed us to another direction.
The three of us hurried to the left passageway, and stumbled on another person anyhow.
"Pax?"
"Mart?"
Of all the people to stumble to in here. It had to be her.
Mart's knife-like eyes went over to Neil who was wounded. Then to Audra who stepped in front of me, as stoic as a guardian angel who was about to deliver her punishment.
Mart's careful eyes went back to mine. "Who are these people, Pax?" she said.
"My friends."
I could feel her brain working on this. Could almost see it, even. She knewâ just as everyone knew that I was searching for Audra. That was what they were letting on, at least.
I didn't know as to what extent Mart was guarding this place for, but I certainly didn't expect her to close her eyes, give a sigh and step aside.
"Go."
Just like that?
Mart's eyes opened again, this time with anger in them. I didn't understand, until she said this. "Go. . . I don't want you to end up like her."
Her?
Who? As in Betty?
But I knew it even though she didn't say anything. I realized it, at least, as she motioned towards the tunnel, albeit more angrily. "I said go!"
"Not so fast."
There was another set of footsteps. Another voice. Soon, Maya was standing to the right of us, face lit up by her torch. She must had been the one we had heard earlier. "What is going on?" she asked.
"Maya!" I said, relief washing over me. It was her. It was okay. Maya was kind to begin with.
But Audra, to my surprise, didn't appear to think the same. "You," she said to Maya, stunning especially me. "I recognize you."
Both Mart and I turned to Audra in confusion. But she continued with.
"You were with Dante when I was brought to my cell. You locked me up, delivered me food when you thought I wasn't looking. And one time I heard you." Audra's hands fisted. "You killed someone before. Betty, wasn't it?"
Now things were totally confusing. Maya couldn't have done that.
Maya was Maya, but the look on Mart's face was a sudden realization. Like a sweater unraveling, and no one could stop it.
Taking a step towards Maya, she said, "You. . . You said. . . You said Betty fell by accident. . ."
Maya shook her head. "I'm sorry that woman had to die," she whispered. I'm sorry Audra had to be locked up." She twisted around and ran to the other direction. "I'm sorry! But like Betty! No one's ever going to leave this place!"