Chapter 28: Answers
It took a while before I came to my senses and decided that I needed to find Audra. She was livid, yes. But then so was I.
I mean, how could she say those things to me?
I was the worst person ever?
Just thinking about it made my whole being hurt, and I knew she owed me no affection. Or love. Or anything to say I was beautiful back, but hearing those things coming from a person you admired, would no doubt wreck a hole in your chest, as I was experiencing now.
And yet. . .
I surveyed the deck, found no one except for my shadow and the twilight sun, bidding goodbye for the day.
I was tired of running, tired of being weak all my life. For Audra, I would be Superman. For Audraâ even though she hated my guts, I would be the strongest person alive, even when that meant she'd be my kryptonite.
I ran down to the staircase just as people from the lower floor started to go up to the deck.
Our room was predictably empty when I came there, so I went to the next best place I knew she could be hiding, which was the next bedroom and started to knockâ so hard that one or two people from other rooms began to open their own doors. To which I just ignored them, and continued knocking on Hanz's and Neil's room. I needed them to come out.
"Guys. . ." I called. "Please let me in."
No answers. No opening of doors. The neighbors on the next room over, got bored with my erratic behavior and went back inside their cabins, leaving me alone once more. But just as I was about to turn around and go down the hallway, the bedroom I was knocking on opened.
"Giving up too soon?"
It was Neil who answered the door in all of his glory. Still wearing his jeans and sweater, that didn't quite fit him as great as Hanz's did. His curly hair still unruly, even when there was no wind.
I took a deep breath, shook my throbbing head. "No, Iâ"
"You give up too much," he added.
"And you don't let me speak."
The two of us studied each other; he, without so much as a blink. Me, out of breath and trying to still my heart. We hadn't spoken to each other since the incident in Conduit. I didn't even know where to begin.
I mean, what else do you tell someone who you whipped repeatedly for several minutes? I'm sorry for doing that, but Dante ordered me to? Yeah, right. As if I didn't try. But a lot of things had already happened between that time and now.
Neil, folding his arms, tilted his head to the bedroom. "Come in for a second," he said.
I was half-tempted to tell him off and leave the place. Not only because I had my own dilemma with Audra right now, but because the last time I followed him, I ended up being lost in the sewer's maze.
But what choice did I have? I wasn't sure if Audra was in their room or not. Adding to that, if Audra did come here, Neil would be the first one she'd tell where she was going. He was her best friend.
The door closed behind me as soon as I stepped inside.
"Take a seat," Neil said, more formal than I'd ever heard him.
"I really shouldn't stick long." Nonetheless, I still went to the table where we had breakfast this morning. It felt like ages ago.
"So. . ."
"So?"
Neil didn't sit at all, just leaned on the wall opposite me, arms still folded, eyes unfathomable.
"What do you want from me?" I said. "And where's Audra? Is she here?"
At this, he gave small smirk, shook his head at me. "And why should I tell you that?"
"Why else would you keep me here?" I said.
"Keep?"
"Yes."
"You willingly entered on your own, Leighton."
Silence. Meanwhile, the wind blew from outside. Their balcony's doorâ much like ours, was opened, and the cold wind was giving me a chill, so strong that I shivered.
Hurriedly, I stood from the chair. "Forget about it," I spoke. "I'll go look for her myself."
"Sit down."
"No."
"I said sit down, Leighton."
"No!"
Our eyes met each other's. Neil was getting angry now, I could feel it. Yet unlike Audra a while ago, he didn't show me that. But he did straighten, leaned away from the wall, then slowly but steadily walked up to me.
"Tell me," he said. "Where was that tough girl in all those times we needed you back then?"
I bit my lip. What was he getting at now?
"Back at the school?" he added. "Back at Hanz's house? Where was that tough girl? Why couldn't you help us?"
"Neil, that wasn't my fault."
"No." He paused. "It's not." He was so close now that I could feel his breath on my forehead while he exhaled. Could see in perfect clarity the hate brewing on his eyes. I thought he would punch me. Or grab me.
But instead, he stood there, then wiped his eyes. "Do you know the hell I had to go through just to be myself?" His voice cracked.
"Neil, what. . ."
"My father used to hit me." He laughed. But that laugh was not out of joy, or amusementâ it was of hatred. A hatred that was expressed when he continued. "He'd do awful things to me. He broke me."
"I'm sorryâ"
"No, you're not." He shook his head. "I saw you. Back at the school. Just before they tried to inject you with the formula. Your face. You wanted it, Leighton. And seeing that, I have never hated someone so much before. You sickened me!"
I balked. That wasn't true at all. I never wanted that!
But then Neil's breaths steadied. And he turned around before I could say anything more, murmured under his breath. "She's not here," he said. "Go."
"Neil. . ."
"I said go! I hate you, Leighton! I hate that you love Audra so much!" He stilled, shoulders dropping. "I hate that I might have mistook everything. Just get out of here. I need time to think."
I stumbled to the door, opened it wide. Like Audra, Neil was confusing me a lot, but I couldn't blame them. It takes one broken person to know what he was trying to say, but everything was the same.
I forgive him.
After hours of searching, I finally knew where Audra was, and I was thinking.
If I could get through this, if I just finish this, then I could go through anything else. I just needed the chance to talk to her. That was it.
But unfortunately, the crew, or whatever you called someone who was operating the Eye in the Sky, which was one of the main attractions of the cruise ship, wouldn't budge at all. Wouldn't even hear me out.
"I'm sorry, miss," he said. "The Eye in the Sky is under maintenance."
"But I'm telling you," I said for the millionth time. "Someone's in there. A girl."
"Nope," he insisted "It's under maintenance. And besides, how can someone climb that thing without me letting them in? It's too high."
Both of us stared at the attraction. The Eye in the Sky, as the leaflets scattered on the ship said, was an, quote and quote, areal attraction that was meant to take you several dozens of feet above the deck, kind of like riding a spaceship.
A metal arm suspended a pod high above the floor. And whoever was riding inside at the time would not only see the water and the crowd, but also feel like they were flying.
Yup. Audra was hiding in there. I just knew it.
But as it happened, the crew didn't want to lower the pod, was refusing to see reason for quite some time since I had arrived.
"No," he said yet again. "And that's final."
Fine. . . I scowled. My decision was final too.
Walking away from the crew's booth, I began to go to the platform. It was totally dark now, though lights were opened on the deck. No one would see me, right? No one would suspect?
Except the mustached crew must had been watching me from the start because he yelled, "Hey!" when I began to climb the thick metal arm, monkey style, leading to the pod above. "Miss! Come back down here! Are you crazy?!"
"Don't do anything! Or I might fall down!" I said, continued climbing up.
Alright, this was the craziest thing I did so far on my own.
It was not started by the tracers. Or Dante and Conduit. Or even Neil, who must had been still sulking in his room. It was me. All me. And I was careful not to look down because this might probably kill me.
"Security!" the man was calling on his walkie-talkie now. "Help me on the deck! There's a girl!"
My arms and legs worked together in perfect harmony while the man from below was starting to panic. I might even be attracting people from the deck.
I focused to the top where I could see the pod hanging from the metal crane. That was my goal. Audra was in there. I had to speak to her now or never.
Ten minutes later, and I had made a lot of progress.
A lot of freaking progress, that I could feel gravity starting to assert itself. How tall was the Eye in Sky again? A hundred feet? Two? It didn't matter anymore because I was climbing almost vertically, with just a small tilt on the metal crane to guide me to the top.
But even so, the wind was too harsh. And the scent of the sea was hitting me all over, as if reminding me that if I did fall, the ocean would swallow me up, no questions asked.
It was during this time, too, that I heard the megaphones blaring from below. "Miss on the metal arm! Come down here this instant!"
Nope. As if I would? And knowing that, whoever was speaking was calling me again. "We're going to send someone to get you. We can't lower the arm for fear that you might fall. Don't move!"
I continued to get up, though, making myself dizzy.
This was such a suicide move, and frankly, I knew that I was making trouble for all those people. This was not part of their job. But when had the world cared for someone like me? Like us? All I wanted at this moment was to be free and be with Audra. I was being stupid, I know. But all of them down below there had let us down too when they decided that they couldn't protect us.
Just a few feet more.
My arms and legs started moving again. There. I paused. There was the pod, just hanging from below me.
If I managed to reach it, then I knew that everything would be alright. Audra would forgive me.
The girl I was looking for, coincidentally, saw me through the glass ceiling of the pod at the just the right moment.
"P-Pax?!" Audra's head was tilted up now. Her eyes coated in shock.
Below us, where the people had gathered didn't matter now. Didn't exist.
With one last swing, I jumped on the pod, almost lost my balance. Screamed out loud.
"Pax!" Audra pushed the glass door open while I tried to catch myself. There was a couple of feet between me and her. My heart was still racing from a near fatality from dropping there.
And how was I supposed to go inside while I was on the pod's roof?
"I'll come and get you," Audra said, as if reading my thoughts.
I didn't know what was worse; Not getting on the pod myself, or seeing Audra climbing out to get me. We were both very stupid teenagers right now, I know. But I didn't care anymore. Playing it safe had lead us in here. Playing it safe was not the option we could take anymore. Because in one way or another, it always ended up in disaster.
Somehow, after a minute or two, I was grabbing Audra up.
"This is stupid!" she shouted, just above the howl of the wind, just as she stepped on the pod's roof with me. "Why did you follow me, Pax?"
"Because you said you hated me."
She bit her lip.
And I took that opportunity before she could even speak. I had to. I might never get this chance again.
"I'm sorry, Audra. I'm sorry. . . But I'm in love with you. I'm sorry!" A tear fell from my eye. This wasn't even the plan. I was preparing myself to be strong for her. Yet. . . The moment she was in distance with me, I was crying and choking, looking like a total weakling. "I don't deserve you!" I sobbed. "I'm the stupidest, most awful person to ever get born in this planet. And I'm sorry for loving you."
"Pax. . ." Audra pulled us down. Gently. Steadily. So we wouldn't slide to our death. The wind, mercifully, was starting to lessen as we sat. "Don't say that again. Ever."
"But it's true!"
Audra's arms wrapped around me for some reason, and somehow I cried harder. I just couldn't help it.
She said she hated me, and now she was taking pity with me. It was heartbreaking.
"I'm sorry for running away," she whispered. "I'm sorry for making you think that you don't deserve me. You do." She took a deep breath. Then let go of me. Stared onto the ocean that was curiously still sparkling blue. Even when the sun had set already. "You need to know something about me." She gritted her teeth, her jaw clenching. "My parents died when I was young. Then my uncle took over." Audra took another breath. Stilled. Then started to play with both of my hands. "And you know what he'd call me? Beautiful."
"Because you are," I said, wiping my eyes.
She smiled. Sighed. But the smile did not reach her eyes, especially when she looked at me.
Her eyes weren't guarded anymore. They were open. And I didn't know whether to regret that or not, because I saw everything. Everything she was keeping. And I didn't know what to do when she said. "He used to call me beautiful. . . just as you said, before he would touch me in those places."
I suddenly forgot how to breathe. I'd forgotten that her hand was still clasped in mine. Inevitably, I crushed it.
Miraculously, Audra didn't crush mine back. "Neil and I met in court, just because of that," she whispered. "He was testifying against his own father. . . I testified against my uncle. Neil and I formed a bond. We wanted to be strong. We wanted to prove ourselves. Playdates became weapon's making. Playdates always involved planning to kill those monsters in prison. I would have never moved on, until I saw you."
Her eyes became soft. The most tender that I had ever seen them.
And I didn't know what to do.
"Back on the school stage, you were so broken that I knew I had to defend you somehow. So I did. And ever since then, Pax, I just fell for you. Hard. I loved you. You were the only one who would ever understand me apart from, Neil. But you never gave me a chance."
Audra raised her hand when I was about to talk, shook her head and smiled sadly. "You were always stuck in your own head, Pax. You never even considered that I loved you first. So imagine how I felt when we were in Conduit. I was so glad, but I was so scared too. You might vanish in your head again and leave me more broken."
I exhaled the breath I didn't know I was holding. She loved me. She trusted me. And to think. . . To think I called her beautiful just like that monster did.
Audra placed her forehead on mine before I could speak. "It's okay," she whispered. "You didn't know. . ."
And even though my chest was still aching from what I'd accidentally done to her. Even though a lot of things have happened in our lives that was meant to screw us up, somewhere in my heart, I knew it to be true.
It was okay to broken. It was okay not to be okay. As long as we were together, someday, somehow, everything would be alright.
A/N: Hello, sorry for the inactivity here. I'm still wrapping up the new book I'm submitting to my agent. How did you find me and my books anyway? :)