41.

Y/N

I was sitting in my therapists office waiting room waiting on her to be done with the person who was ahead of me. I just bounced my leg nervous some. I didn't want to hear anything about possibly breaking up with Michael because that would hurt him and that's the last thing I needed nor wanted. "Y/N Y/L/N?" I heard as I stood up.

We smiled at each other before we went inside the room and she closed the door. "Take a seat" she said as I sat down. "You can call me Dr. Brown or Mrs. Brown whatever is better for you" she said as I smiled some. "Do you by chance have a sibling who is a therapist around here?" I asked due to her having the same last name as Michael's therapist. She let out a small laugh. "No but he's my husband" she said as We both let out a small laugh "I'm sorry" I apologized. "No it's fine we get that a lot they automatically think Siblings when they find out our practices are near each other and we have the same last names" she explained before sitting in her chair.

"What brings you here today?" She asked smiling at me "well I've recently got into a relationship and it's going so good, he's a nice guy and I love him so much but it's like in the back of my head I think it's eventually going to go left sometimes I get overwhelmed by the amount of love he shows me so I push him away almost, unless I decide I want to be affectionate" I started off as she looked at me and listened. "I have a hard time with accepting and allowing him to do nice things for me and the main thing I 'm scared of is me hurting him and him leaving because of my actions." I explained.

"I don't know if something is wrong but I know I love him I just" I started off then sighed. "Can I ask you a couple of questions?" She asked as I nodded. "How's your relationship with your father?" She asked as I just rolled my eyes back then smiled. "I don't necessarily talk to him" I admitted. "Why is that?" She asked. "Growing up he didn't do right by my mother , she struggled a lot and he would be in and out of my life so one day I just decided that he no longer needs to be in my life" I admitted.

"Why is that?" She asked. "He wasn't technically there so why try and have a relationship with someone who obviously doesn't care to have one with me?" I questioned as she nodded. "I loved on him so much as a kid and when he said he would come through he never did so I just" I started off then shrugged. "Emotionally checked out" she said as I looked at her weird. "I wouldn't say that necessarily" I answered.

"I love my mother, I'm very close with her and I have an unbreakable bond with her" I informed. "But with your father it just isn't there" she said as I agreed. "When he tells you how he loves you what do you feel?" She asked. "It goes in one ear and out of the other." I honestly said. "When watching your mother as you grew up and dealing with you dad did you develop a independent mindset?" She questioned as I nodded.

"Has that affected you in any of your past relationships besides this one currently?" She asked as I started trying to think. "No because if they didn't want to do it or just didn't do it, I did it myself. I bought myself flowers, I took myself to the nail salon, paid my own bills, worked two jobs on top of going to school full time so I handled myself" I explained hearing myself talk a little aggressive and it wasn't at her nor on purpose it was that I'm not listening to someone who says they're going to do anything for me when I can just do it for myself.

"Tell me about your past relationships how many have you been in prior to this one?" She asked. "Four " I admitted. "Three" I answered "tell me about the first" she said as I looked down. "I feel like you're going to look at me crazy and call me stupid" I admitted with a small chuckle. "Listen. Baby I'm here to help you. I've heard a lot of off the wall shit you are fine" she assured as I finally looked at her.

" the first one He honestly was just there to take my virginity because a couple of weeks later we broken up and I've never heard from him" I admitted. "And how did that make you feel?" She asked as I looked down feeling a tear fall from my eyes. "It made me feel used, I really thought he liked me and I liked him back so I gave it to him" I admitted. Wiping my tears with my hands before she handed me a tissue. "So that was that" I said with a faint smile.

"My second one it was a lot" I admitted "what happened with him?" She asked as I sighed "we started off good but I didn't feel secure, I didn't really trust him, everything he said he would do for me it went in one ear and out of the other. Although I was with him I didn't feel anything" I started off.

"I handled everything per usual and went about it, one day I decided I wanted to have a baby don't know what for I just wanted one" I admitted.

"Every time I tried something happened to where I never got pregnant. It was either a miscarriage or I just didn't get pregnant." I brought up as she nodded continuing to listen. "So I decided I wanted nothing to do with him anymore one day and tried to leave the relationship. I wasn't feeling him and didn't love him honestly" I said. "What made you not leave?" She asked. " he held me at gun point at that moment and I couldn't" I admitted feeling tears roll down my cheeks. I quickly wiped it.

"I'm sorry" she apologized as I waved her off. "It was my mistakes and my fault" I simply said shaking my head. "A man pulled a gun out on you and another man used you to take what's supposed to be special away from you. That's not your fault" she assured. "I just should've been smart about my decisions" I admitted. "And your third relationship?" She asked. "I took care of everything like the past two, I tried to get pregnant and couldn't, he said a lot of hurtful things, was very verbally abusive, cheated, placed his hands on me and I immediately just upped and left out of that relationship without warning" I said wiping my tears away with my tissue.

"And the last one?" She asked "he was caught cheating with a girl and I broke up with him. I didn't feel any emotional ties whatsoever" I answered "And now here I am in this relationship and I love him but I want to run" I admitted. "As black women we tend to put up with so much bullshit and it's pictured as "strong independent black women" when really inside we are the way we are because of the trauma we've faced throughout life." She started off.

"So when an actual MAN comes into the picture we don't know how to react and it can cause problems. Being overly independent is called "hyper independence" which is a trauma response to past experiences" she said. "So it's not that you don't love your man because I know you do because you don't want to hurt him but because of your experiences from your father to these relationships prior to the relationship you're in, you've been through a lot so now you're in this new relationship and you feel like you're not in control" she explained.

"And as a black woman who was just like you, it's okay not to be in control all the time. Sometimes we need to step back and let our man handle it because we cannot handle this all on our own and it's okay" she assured as I felt tears fall from my eyes uncontrollably. "Has he ever gave you a reason not to trust, confide in him, and show your emotions around him?" She asked as I shook my head. "Then you need to step back baby@ she assured.

"Before you was with ain't shit niggas so you could control everything now you're with a man who wants to provide, talk to you, listen to you , love you and to love on you. It's okay to have a man take control because that's what a REAL man does" she assured. "Are you still trying to get pregnant?" She asked as I shook my head. "I got with him and I wanted to take it slow to make sure everything was perfect because I don't want to lose him" I admitted as she smiled.

"That means that void you had is being filled" she said as I looked at her. "The reason why you were trying to get pregnant so badly is because there was a void and you wanted to feel love. A man can up and leave but a baby can't" she said as it all started making sense.

"When your man wants to kiss on you and love on you, you better let that man do it. It'll be scary at first but you'll get used to it and it'll eventually make you feel good" she started off. "You have to start somewhere" she stated as I nodded and her alarm went off she then turned it off. "That's all the time we have for today but always remember you don't have to be scared of love. If you're going to love, love all the way. Don't be scared of getting hurt or you will never know REAL love" she said as I faintly smiled and we stood up.

"Thank you" I thanked "no problem, I'll see you next week" she said with a friendly smile as I smiled and walked out. I turned my phone back on seeing a text that Michael landed about fifty minutes ago. I texted him back "okay" then drove back to my place. I grabbed my mail out of the mail box along with a package before unlocking the door to my house. I kicked my heels off to the side of the front door before setting my keys and purse down in the kitchen on the island.

I looked through my mail and seen a small package from Amazon. I set the paper mail on the island and started opening the package. I then seen it was the rose toy and I read the slip that was also in the packaging.

"To: Y/N

From: Michael

Enjoy lol."

I read as I laughed and opened the box taking it out. I looked at it as it was cute. My doorbell then rung as I sucked my teeth and ran to the door placing it behind my back. I cracked the door seeing Micheal and immediately opened it wider and smiled big. He came in with some flowers as I smiled harder. "Hey baby" he said as i pecked his lips. "Hey" I said back. "Damn that's all I get is a small peck?" He questioned.

"I got your gift" I started off taking it from behind my back as I held it up. And he chuckled. "You want to break it in?" I asked as his mouth opened. "I-" he started off .

I just went around him closing the door behind him and locked it as I turned and looked back at him. I then smiled as he placed the flowers down on my stand that was up with house decor on it when you first walked into the house. He then took his book bag off as he walked up to me and I jumped onto him, wrapping my legs around him.