There would be periods of time when Namjoon would feel like a volatile substance; not even a creature, waiting to be evaporated.
It had been some days like this. He couldn't really pinpoint what was wrong, why he felt so disappointed when he shouldn't be.
Yet every night when he'd feel this urge to hold a cigarette in between his fingers and coat himself with the stain of ashes and breathe in the stench of nicotine he knew something was going wrong with him, definitely.
It was ten or eleven at night, Namjoon didn't bother much to check the time before he had gone outside. But as he found himself in the lonely streets of the neighbourhood and the designated store which was terribly empty save for the part timer, he supposed it was close to midnight.
And the yarning of busking himself in the poisonous smoke was poking him in the head again.
He put the bill with the packet of Marlboros on the cashier's desk and as Namjoon saw a pair of veiny, pale hands take the money off the table he instinctively looked up.
It was Yoongi, the engineering major from the other end of his dorm.
"Do you need a bag?" As the lad voiced Namjoon shook his head to the sides.
Namjoon did not really know why he was at unease, all of a suddenly. Smoking was his occasional and a secretive habit of some sorts, but it was out in the open for Yoongi to know now. That was not the problem.
The problem was Namjoon knew, he looked like shit, utter shit. He hadn't been going out unless he had classes. In his room he had been reading and smoking, A LOT. Namjoon caught this 'occasional' habit when he was young, way young, but he could not remember the last time he had smoked so much in a few consecutive days.
Namjoon could already feel the dark circles under his eyes getting heavier, the new grown pimples poking out in his skin that he'd often absentmindedly scratch on, his complexion ghastly as if he was out of blood, lips chapped and gray.
But Yoongi did not observe his pathetic self for long.
"Well, you look like shit!" A sudden voice boomed and Namjoon saw Hoseok standing with two bottle of beers in his hand, judging Namjoon's face with wide eyes.
"Are you okay?" He asked and his eyes fell onto Yoongi next. "I did not know you worked here!"
Namjoon did not know that either. He was supposed to say he was fine but as he clutched on the packet of cigarettes inside his hoodie's pocket, he really did not feel like saying so.
Thankfully, Yoongi and Hoseok were immersed in their own small talk now. "My shift's ending now actually." Yoongi pulled out his green vest, with his droopy shoulders he slowly arranged the desk before stepping out.
"How about having some beer in the dorm's rooftop!" Hoseok hoisted the bottles in the air with a bright grin on his face. "Today's weather seems nice!"
"I haven't been there in ages," Namjoon exhaled as he shifted his weight from one foot to another.
"I have never," Yoongi said in a low voice and Hoseok immediately shrieked.
"What are you guys saying! I have an adventure to myself there almost every night. You know what-" He put his hands on his waist, the bottles dangerously hanging from there. "Let's get more beer for you sunshines."
Namjoon did not hold a protest, he was too tired to. And the idea of having some company in the rooftop didn't sound bad, especially since he'd realized that he had been isolating himself from human association, and his own self since the past few days.
Yoongi did not mind either. The way back Namjoon could hear Hoseok and Yoongi having those small talks again between themselves. If it was another time, Namjoon would have joined.
He'd even put his thoughts, throw in his own questions and morph this talk into a whole discussion about anything, be it about the life in dorm, or the rooftop, or simply the beers but he felt detached for some reasons.
Namjoon could be a social person whenever he chose to be. But when at home and inside his room, there was no one else that was as quiet, or, as languid as Namjoon.
The air was so cold that the brunette wondered if Autumn had already ended. The night was glacial and the atmosphere frosty, upon reaching the dorm and skipping on the staircase to reach the rooftop Namjoon could not help but shudder while hugging his hoodie closer.
Winter was the season he really disliked.
The season always came wearing a gray and blue cloak, as if it was only made out of frozen sorrows and numbed feelings. The cloak would wrap itself around Namjoon and he'd feel even more out of it at times.
As if his own world wasn't as dull as the winter, a lot of the times, especially when he was left alone with his thoughts and his nose wasn't buried inside a book.
"How many jobs do you do in a day Yoongi?" The beer can in Hoseok's hand made a hissing sound as he opened it. "If you don't mind me asking, I'm genuinely curious."
Yoongi rocked lightly on his feet and Namjoon saw the thoughtful look on his face as he took a moment to answer.
"Three in most days. I have a cleaning job at a restaurant early in the morning. Evening to midnight at the convenience store. Three days a week I privately tutor a high school student and sometimes I do one time jobs when I'm free."
Namjoon had his fingers curled around the bottle and could feel the coldness passing to him, could see the dews forming on the surface of the bottle in beads. But his attention was diverted towards the conversation even though he wasn't actively participating in it.
"That's amazing! You must be making some good money. Especially with the tutor job? I heard those are pretty expensive."
Yoongi only hummed in Hoseok's triumphant response. The chatterbox continued, "It must be hard to do all those on top of university. I only helped a senior move out of his place today and I'm already bummed out, my muscles are tense."
"I thought you did part times too. I don't see you much in the dorm," Namjoon spoke for the first time in a while. His vision was bleary and he wondered if it was because of the lack of sleep.
"Ah, I'm just busy with university," Hoseok brushed it away with a hand gesture. "You know those journalism majors, we work for the school newspaper, monthly magazines and online pages. A lot of social work too."
"Sounds interesting," Yoongi piped as he took a light sip of his bear.
"Yeah, a bit. What about you? I heard sound engineering majors are really busy with all kinds of projects all the damn time."
Namjoon saw Yoongi's shoulders sink a bit more but there wasn't much change on his nonchalant face. "I took a semester off. And might again, it's a bit tough to juggle between work and studies."
"If you need a break, you should go for it. Your health matters the most," without any hesitation Namjoon spoke, as if the words were almost ready on his tongue. "Maybe you should take a rest. With the jobs, or university. If you can."
For a second Yoongi looked like he had wavered, a foreign glint on his eyes before he gazed down again. "It'll be hard to get a job on this sector if I keep taking time off. And I need the part times too."
"It must be your dream to be a sound engineer," Hoseok softly responded.
"A producer, if I can," Yoongi quickly fixed him.
In that Hoseok's eyes glimmered even in the dark. "That's amazing. I gave my major a chance without really thinking much."
"Are you not liking it now?" Namjoon asked him cautiously and Hoseok shrugged with his shoulders.
"It's not bad." He chugged down his bottle before giving a nod. "I like being busy."
There were always university students Namjoon would meet, liking their major or disliking it, having a dream or passion or just doing it to find a living. Namjoon did not know where he would categorize himself.
Or where he would put these two, Yoongi and Hoseok. Because at that moment Namjoon realized despite being in this bulletproof boy scouts dorm for a while, he did not know much about the two.
And here he had thought he was the only reticent person in the dorm. He had barely seen both inside, or outside anywhere.
Namjoon wondered if they had a wall built around them too.
"I believe you can achieve your dream, Yoongi. As Hoseok said, it is incredible, and to work towards achieving your dreams while you have so much on your plate is even more."
Namjoon didn't really know why Yoongi needed so much money, so many part times, but Yoongi must've had a good reason. "I hope you'll try your best and not give up. I'm rooting for your success."
"Dang," Hoseok gleefully retorted.
Yoongi's gaze flickered to Namjoon before dropping down again. "Thanks."
Namjoon could see Yoongi's shoulders less hunched, and more upward. "What about you?" Yoongi questioned unexpectedly.
"Yeah, you don't look okay, man. Is there anything bothering you?" Hoseok asked consequently.
Was anything bothering him? Maybe it was, because even standing there Namjoon was feeling that pull towards the toxic packet of Marlboros nestled inside his hoodie's pocket.
Namjoon thought to himself, if the words he had just said to Yoongi were slightly meant for himself too.
He certainly did not have a dream, but yes, the thought of going out of this country to visit more places rather than be bound in one place like his father was chained to the book store made him feel excited.
He wasn't content anymore just by reading books about different places. He wanted to go to those different places, and feel things himself.
For that he needed a profession, a side goal that looked more like a 'main' goal and getting a masters degree in University of California just guaranteed that.
Namjoon was good at talking, making people understand. If he tried, maybe he could persuade his mother too. Why did he not try then?
Maybe, it was actually him who was scared of failure.
Scared he would not be able to make it out there, because to him, it felt just like an interest not a dream. And he did not want to busk in disappointment rest of his life like his father.
For a few seconds, Namjoon really thought about pouring it all out to the boys that were waiting to listen.
Yet nothing really came out. He had been reserved for so long, that he could not break out of his shell.
At least he knew there could be actual people who would be interested in his monochrome and boring parts of life too, thus, Namjoon smiled. Even though his lips were so dry he thought his skin would crack and ooze out blood.
"Nothing's wrong. The weather is good today," Namjoon took a sip of the beer on his hand and looked up at the night sky.
He heard Hoseok cheering with a 'told you so', and Yoongi sighing with a 'but it's cold' as he stared up at the vast abyss that he'd often stare out from his window while lying down.
It did not feel like a pitch black hole today. There wasn't the fog coating it, instead, stars were strewn across the endless sky and they were glowing in warmth.
Radiating light even in the dull gray.
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A/n: I stubbed my toe and it hurts.
If anyone has any free kithes and hugs they could spare please send them towards me :((