Dreams were becoming elusive every day and sleep was out of reach. Yoongi was seated on his bed at an ungodly hour, close to midnight, he assumed. The room was dark but everything was visible for the shower of the streetlight outside pouring in through the window. Jimin probably had forgotten to draw the curtains.
Hitherto, Yoongi had come back to the dorm earlier than usual. The weather was cold, temperature now reaching where it would storm sprinkles of snow soon, albeit that was not the case why he had left soon. Yoongi had an assignment due tomorrow and he needed at least two hours to finish it.
Time had drifted deeper into the night and Yoongi was nowhere near done. In fact, he hadn't even touched his laptop since he got home more than two hours ago. Maybe because he wanted to jot down a few ideas first so that his notebook was resting on his lap, a pen limply hanging between his index and thumb.
Maybe, that was the case, though, Yoongi could scarcely remember. Time was pacing a bit faster today or so it seemed. Yoongi was exhausted beyond point but he found himself still staring at the distance. Maybe he was looking at the radiant stickers on the ceiling, or the silhouette of the fluorescent lamp outside, he couldn't tell.
The confined space was warm with the heater on but Yoongi felt cold, he didn't try to elude it either way. He embraced it with his back leaning on the wall behind him, everything felt numbed, barren and desolated.
It was astonishing how his brain wasn't producing any thoughts. It was static, dull like Pluto who had perished long ago and now was nothing but a dead planet in the vast sky.
At least, its name remained. Would Yoongi's?
The freezing night was stagnant around him and he fell into the lethargy, a state of apathy and felt as if he was an indolent character. What if it ended like this, right now? Would that be so bad?
Because Yoongi had been skating on a layer of thin ice that was so frail and could barely hold on, and he had been running on it alone for so long, so damn long that his shoes were now torn and the ice made his haggard feet bleed. He could no longer care if the layer crumpled under his burdensome weight.
He could plummet into the oblivion and remain as a perished planet, which did not seem like such a bad idea.
His heart felt stale, finally surrendering.
A vice grip was around his throat, a lump forming in his esophagus.
Yoongi did not think he would cry, he could not remember the last time he did, for his eyes had been so jaded and sleep deprived over the years he wondered if his tear ducts had run dry.
That's why Yoongi could not believe his own ears when he uttered a choked up sob that came from deep within the pit of his stomach.
He straightened up, fingers curling around the pen in his hand. Rapidly breathing he realized his vision was getting bleary, no longer could he focus anywhere in the blur.
Darkness followed with agonized whimpers, sobs and sniffles. He did not know if this was really a part of him, but he could not control himself.
Tears flowed down his eyes like a torrential pour and cries emitted from his bleak heart.
He bent his upper half, trying to stifle the loud cries as he tenaciously gripped on the pen, so hard that he knew the material would leave an imprint on the inside of his palm. His brain had reached delirium and only hysteric outcries could come out.
Haphazardly Yoongi wiped his eyes, but immediately he felt a rush of warm tears streaming down his cold skin.
He could feel the groaning of his heart die down as swiftly as it came but his chest was still swelled in pain. So he grabbed on his flimsy shirt where his heart laid and his other hand with the pen reached for the empty notebook on his lap.
Yoongi was chewing on his bottom lip so hard that he could feel the metallic taste of blood inside his mouth, his bony arms were quivering nonstop when he wrote the first line.
'I can have a taste of failure and frustration and bow my head'
He stopped biting on his lips and stared at the line for a second. He had only written it on impulse, unlike how he would write his lyrics but he knew the truth on this.
The next second he spend staring at his sickly pale arms, not really focusing on it. He was feeling dejected again, but somehow this was better than the state of mind he had been to before his breakdown. Yoongi grabbed the pen again.
'We are still young and immature, don't even worry about it
Moss surely grows on a stone that doesn't roll'
The next lines came to him faster, pen swiftly dancing on the white paper now stained with ink. Only scribbles were heard in the silent atmosphere.
'If you can't return, go straight through your mistakes and forget them all
Never mind
It's not easy but engrave it onto your chest
If you feel like you're going to crash then accelerate more, you idiot
Come on'
What time was it? Two in the morning or three? Yoongi surely wouldn't have enough time to rest, again and he wouldn't get to finish his assignment either but none of that bothered him.
The delirium within him had now morphed into a state of equilibrium, Yoongi only found himself staring at the newly written lines with no thoughts in his head, until he heard a small voice.
"H-hyung, are you okay up there?
Jimin. Yoongi knew already still he peered his head from above to see the boy standing there in his sleeping pajamas, hair askew to every direction and eyes wide.
Even in the low light Yoongi could see Jimin visibly gulp. "I was here all the time, but I did not know how to approach you when you were crying, I..., I think you were. Are you alright, hyung?"
Yoongi couldn't say anything in reply, he could hear the hesitation in Jimin's voice and he asked himself how uncomfortable it might had been for the lad.
To his surprise, Jimin spoke again, "Will it be okay if I come up there?"
Yoongi stayed silent, and Jimin started climbing up his bunk bed after a second of waiting down there. In no time, Jimin was situated beside him. First the younger boy gave him a quick glance then stared away. Yoongi made space for him, the small bed was always too big for Yoongi anyway.
His pen and notebook were protectively hidden by his other side, where Jimin couldn't see. There was a pregnant pause in the chilly air before Jimin spoke again.
"Is anything bothering you, hyung?"
Yoongi couldn't recall when Jimin and he had a proper conversation, even though it had been ere long since Jimin joined his room. Yoongi was too occupied with his jobs, even when he was here he would be buried in his laptop and cheap Americanos to finish his school work.
However, the older boy did recall Jimin often crying by himself when he first came here, when it wasn't so cold but the weather was warm with sudden downpours. Yoongi always let him be, or left the room as he thought it would be awkward for the younger one to cry before a stranger.
Now that he had Jimin by his side, looking up at him with ample attention, Yoongi realized it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable.
Someone was cheering for him from the audience seat by the ice rink, though a glass separated him from Yoongi and he couldn't really help physically, the voice was reaching to him. Giving him strength to skate some more.
"I just... I can't sleep."
I want to die.
I want my father to die too.
I want this to end for all.
Yoongi couldn't say any of it, though the annoying inner voice pricked him again. Wanting his father to die was the thought he had first gotten more than a month ago when he left for Daegu. He remembered the boys of the dorm texting him for a barbeque dinner but here he was, sitting beside his father's ill body.
For some reason, at that moment he really wished his father would die. The torture was painful, not only for his father but everyone else in the family.
And when he had this thought again, he didn't feel much remorse, even though he should be. Yoongi was numbed.
"I look at the small galaxy on the ceiling when I can't sleep, sometimes I count to thousand backwards, sometimes I listen to calm lofi music or try to mediate..." Jimin was rambling on with his nervous and quiet voice, in an effort to soothe Yoongi.
"Jimin, would tomorrow be better?" Yoongi suddenly said, halting the boy in his track.
Jimin looked perplexed, as if he did not know what to say, though he made an attempt anyway. "I don't know, none can ever tell. We can live in the moment at least, pasts are always filled with regret and futures are worrisome. Present is better."
Yoongi glanced at the dark haired boy who still had baby fat in his cheeks, his lips were plump and eyes were filled with colors. When Jimin stopped the boy himself didn't seem much convinced by his own words.
Living in the present? How could one relish in the present with so much burden in their already broken shoulders?
When Yoongi thought more about it, he was pulled back to the times when he perhaps had the chance to luxuriate a little. When he joined a drinking party with the other six when Jimin first arrived, or when Namjoon found him often in the library and showed great interest in his field though it was so different than his subject, when Jin tried making new dishes and left some for him in the refrigerator, when Hoseok conversed with him over bottles of beer Yoongi never touched, When Taehyung complained to him about Jimin though Yoongi showed close to no interest- there just wasn't anyone else in the dorm so Taehyung had turned to him, or when Jungkook tried to join him in the cafeteria.
There could be numerous examples like this. Yoongi could barely think anymore, as his eyes were closing off on their own, the boy beside him deep in slumber minutes ago.
Maybe Yoongi was immature to chase after his dream, maybe he was delusional to still skating on the thin layer of frost.
Even though his path was filled with thorn, he wanted to run. And when he wouldn't be able to run, he would crawl.
After some time, Yoongi fell into a repose. He did not wake up even when his morning job called for him at six AM.
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A/n: pardon me for writing such a depressing chapter but
We finally reached 10k folks I hope I'm not dreaming
Like my health has been pretty much going downhill so I won't be surprised if I woke up from this
In all honestly, thank you so damn much. I did not think anyone would be reading this story as it's starkly different from my other ones (older readers would know)
I added the meme shower for you so the sadness you got from reading this chapter would go away.