BEFORE GETTING TO SCHOOL IN NEW JERSEY, I first had to pass through Felton in Connecticut. I was there September through December of 2008, and it felt like a long four months.
I knew it was a tiny school (78 students, I think) and wanted to start over, so I read a book called "How to be Popular" where the main character finds a book with popularity tips that she uses to elevate her social status. I thought it was a good idea, to a degree, and vowed to use those tips for myself as well. Never mind the fact that the main character couldn't stay popular.
But before I even had a chance to do anything, a girl said hi to me right away. I'd barely even moved in yet and was still carrying things in from my car.
Ally was slightly taller than me with red, curly hair, small green eyes with green glittery mascara, a very slight Mexican accent combined with a slighter Chicago twang, and dark jacket with slightly blinged-out jeans. "Hi," she said, as I carried boxes into the dorm. "Are you new here? I'm Ally."
"I'm Morgan. It's nice to meet you," I said, putting my best social skills on in order to prove I didn't belong there.
"Cool. Maybe we could hang out later?"
Wow! Barely on campus for ten minutes and I already had a potential friend. This was easy.
Later, everyone separated into orientation activities in the classroom building. I was making name tags with a bunch of other girls, none of whom seemed interested in talking to me. Oh well. I could use my popularity tips anytime I wanted. I was just preoccupied at the moment. Yeah, that was it. No worries.
Well, we had a floor meeting that evening, and once again nobody seemed interested in talking to me. All the girls gathered in ther rustic man cave-ish common area of our floor for a chat, something we'd do every night. Granted, I may not have been doing much to help my case, but an obstacle stood in my way.
Despite what everyone promised about "everyone being in the same boat" in high school, I would learn that most students already knew each other from a summer program several months ago. Inside jokes had already formed. Students referred to each other as "mom," "dad," and it wasn't unusual to walk into math as Julie was greeting her male friend with a happy, "Grandpa!" Apparently, some sort of schoolwide family existed and I was the weird twice-removed cousin who knew nothing. I was also one of a handful of freshmen because classes were mixed.
Additionally, it seemed like almost everyone liked anime or video games. They were far and away the "popular" interests. One guy, a gifted sci-fi writer, would talk to me about nothing else but D&D. (I've never played D&D.) I would also watch other girls draw their favorite anime characters. Again, can you say "gifted?" The quality stunned me. Neither of them were particular interests of mine, though, so it was harder to bond. I did gain a new appreciation for manga-style drawings, though, and employed a few desktop backgrounds of cool-looking girls on my computer. Who cared that I didn't know who the characters were? Besides, I had my very first personal computer with me---a MacBook. It was fun to customize it.
Not that we couldn't have fun for the first weekend; even I managed to enjoy myself despite the situation. We had an Olympic event of sorts, where I participated in an egg-and-spoon race. We played Apples to Apples in large groups, which is always funny. Another bonding activity was even Duck Duck Goose. I was surprised to find out how hysterical it was to come up with different combos of duck and goose, be it salt/salt/pepper, dog/dog/cat, etc.
And I had my new friend Ally. And she seemed detached from everyone else, nor did she care for D&D, World of Warcraft, or anime. For some reason, nobody seemed interested in talking to her either. But, we bonded. It worked for us. Ally and I didn't have very many classes together, but there was plenty of time to chat in the afternoon.
Speaking of classes. The classes I did have---Science (just Science, not anything specific), Math (just math, where we usually did logic puzzles), Humanities and Individual & Community (whatever that was. Life skills, sort of) were disappointing and only consisted of 4-7 students. Everyone seemed older, too, and not just because many of the boys had beards. There was slightly more cursing than I was used to at Quaker school. For that matter, I barely knew the words until I heard them. When I read from The Crucible aloud in Humanities, I pronounced the word "whore" with the W not silent. The girls giggled. Not that it mattered. Two of them were always disruptive in class, and the other doodled most of the time. They weren't people I needed to concern myself with.
And then there was the staff, who mollycoddled some of us. Each dorm floor had its own three faculty members to "keep an eye" on us and how we were doing, for lack of much better words. The first night on campus, I had forgotten to pack a pillow. No worries, I thought. I'd just use my decorative pillow and would probably place a sweater over it until I could figure something out. But when the staff heard, they let me have it.
"Why didn't you just speak up?" our floor head said. "We would have helped you. You need to speak up next time." I got the pillow, but it was a hollow victory.
I seemed to be known among the teachers as the "girl who didn't speak up."Â When we had to rank ourselves on how we were transitioning, I handed it in and then had the staff present their scores, all of which said I was transitioning terribly. Granted, I would have much rather been home, but I was doing a pretty decent job, I thought! And when I went to the dorm head to get signed up for the website that allowed us to sign up for weekend outings, she just grinned at me like I was a two-year-old showing her a prized toy. I was doing such a good job being a big girl and speaking up!
I would think of middle school, where we were treated as adults, formed relationships with younger students in Buddy Meetings, and were asked to take on responsibility. Many classmates were attending the Quaker high school where we had meetings for worship, learning to think critically about the world while doing service projects, taking classes that were actually challenging, and speaking to their teachers on a first-name basis. Meanwhile, I was praised for challenging tasks like speaking up.
But Ally would invite me to hang out in her dorm room at the end of the day and I'd put my annoying classmates, and staff members, behind me. It was fun to have a good friend already!
Happy Bunny posters lined the walls, and the smell of sweet perfume lined the room. She showed me pictures of her family and her sister Yvonne, who she loved. "My dad, he's the owner of Pepsi Co," she told me. Just like that.
My friend was the daughter of a business tycoon? Whoa. I didn't know anybody like that at Quaker school. The exception was Harvey, but I'd onlyâ¯heard⯠the rumors about his giant TV and reclining seats in his dad's Mercedes. Another possible exception was Nicole, whom I didn't know that well. Ally seemed fairly...normal, albeit edgy.
As we hung out more and more, usually looking through magazines or Babyphat fashion spreads, she told me more about her life. Such as her supposedly close family, especially Yvonne. The quote website she owned where she posted inspiring quotes for the world to see. Or the gang she was in on the streets of Chicago.
"Oh, I'm only a level 2 member," she told me in response to my wide eyes. "I don't kill anyone or fight or anything, no."
Er, I should think not!â¯What on earth would my parents say? But Ally still seemed so nice, and different from the friends I usually made.
I thought of Christine, away at a high school in New Jersey. She recently emailed me in her signature Comic Sans telling me about a new love interest named Jeff in history class. So did my camp friend, Tasha, asking me how things were going and that she hoped we could go to camp together again that summer. Sigh. Summer camp seemedâ¯soâ¯far away.
They were nice and wonderful friends, but society might see them as sweet and boring and somewhat socially awkward. At the time, it was cool to know that a tough girl thought I was interesting enough to be friends with.
Of course, our friendship wasn't all stories from the streets. One of my favorite moments was her sharing with me how to apply makeup. I'd never really known anything outside of nail polish and lip gloss, so wearing green eye shadow---to class!--- was an unusual thrill. I felt glam, even while wearing glasses. When I'd found out that I accidentally fell asleep with it on, I looked in the bathroom mirror and chuckled to myself. I was exactly what "not" to do with your makeup, according to Seventeen magazine. I never thought I would be in that position.
We did other girly things, like mall outings on weekends. Going to the mall with friends was something I really only did at summer camp with a counselor accompanying us, but here we had free reign. We enjoyed several hours of romping through Home Goods stores, hiding amongst the mattresses and exploring like grown-ups (maybe), and buying chocolate truffles just because we could.
A few weeks into the year, Ally decided the time was right for a sleepover. We'd gone shopping on a weekend outing before that, and just as it started to rain we decided on it. Upon arrival at school, we decided to start with watching Baby Mama. The movie looked so stupid in the TV ads. But after she'd convinced a teacher to watch with us, I couldn't say no, and that day I was introduced to the comedic duo of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler and the idea that judging movies on their TV ads was a bad one.
Later that night, she said that my dog died and I was upset about it, so she wanted to spend the night with me. This was the first lie that someone told on my behalf, and I couldn't believe it actually worked. When I heard the faculty member on duty ask, "Does she want to talk about it?" I panicked and prepared myself for the upcoming improvised conversation, something I wasn't fond of. Thankfully, Ally charmed her way out of the conversation and soon we were two girls hanging together. We set up our blankets and pillows in the empty dorm room next door and got ready.
This dorm room supposedly belonged to Beth, a girl who hadn't yet moved in. I'd heard horror stories about how she'd steal things and get along poorly with the whole hall. "Once she found her place, she was okay," Kaitlin had reassured me. But how long did that take, and how long would it take again? I chose not to think about it.
Ally and I had a good time playing around on our laptops (now that we were a few weeks into the year, we no longer had to turn them in at 10:30) and looking up glittery MySpace graphics for them. A little site well on its way into the mainstream scene known as Facebook was starting to make its own presence truly known---and started pushing the graphic-centered website out of the way, so Ally used the graphics she found as desktop backgrounds. The current choice of glitter graphic was "Mexican Pride" written in script on top of a heart that was colored to look like their flag. Then she dropped the bomb.
"So I have some news," she told me. I looked up with interest. "I think I might be pregnant."
Whoa. Wasn't this only supposed to happen to Tina Fey and other people in teenie movies? She thought she might have been a couple weeks ago, and went to the doctor to make sure. However, results showed that she was not having a baby. So what was the problem? I shut my screen. "Wow! Um, okay. Are you sure?"
"Yeah, it's no big deal. My parents don't care. They're supportive." One of the faculty members would be taking her to the doctor tomorrow to check, but she was certain.
I tried to move the conversation along. "So..is it going to be yours?" I didn't know what to say. What did you talk about with your friend who was going to have a baby...in high school?
"Probably. Or my parents will raise it," she said completely indifferently. As if it were so easy. She opened up a new tab and Googled baby names. I hated to admit it, but it was fun looking up all the name possibilities and stages of baby growth, lie or not. Maybe having a baby didn't mean you were a messed up teen with no values. But how the heck was I going to tell my parents who I was friends with?
And it wasn't always easy being friends. Besides the baby problem, Ally didn't always want to attend her classes and was often MIA at morning meetings (morning sickness, she called it). We were both in a group for our exercise period where we'd go to a local studio to do a workout in increments. She didn't put in much effort half the time, but perhaps it was an arrangement as teachers didn't bother her too much. I also heard from classmates that her grades were terrible and that she had gotten kicked out of the classroom for bad behavior.
Sometimes it seemed like she didn't put in the effort with family either. Despite what she'd told me about how she loved them, quite frequently in the evenings I'd hear shouting matches, with her high-pitched shriek disturbing the quiet of the common area. Sometimes the teacher on duty would have to step in, like a parent consoling their toddler in the midst of a tantrum. I would sigh, pay attention to my laptop, and wonder what I was getting into.
In the meantime, I learned more about Casey, a girl with autism who Ally often had shouting matches with. I talked to Kaitlin more as well, who a lot of students knew and was nice to me. We were the only girls in our film class and bonded over it, often pairing up in class for assignments. We saw some wonderful movies in that class, including Titanic, which would soon become a favorite of mine with its combination of thrill, drama, and romance (it would become a favorite of my best friend at my next school too, and we'd go see an exhibit in New York together). I'd visit a Titanic forum and read fan fiction, too. And in the evenings, we'd all watch Family Guy or iCarly before the evening hall meeting.
When we got back from fall break, I resolved to pay attention to other students and get to know them more. Even though the doctor's appointment revealed that Ally was not pregnant, she was still convinced that she was.
Additionally, the edgy side of her personality was beginning to come out again. She was so busy yelling at her family on the phone (I could tell from my room down the hall on her worst days) or at teachers in class that she didn't have much time to talk to me...or yell at me. For that I was grateful. I focused on my homework and other classmates. I was already getting to know Amy better, and I was already kind of enjoying a theater class that Kaitlin was also in.
Still, things were often weird that way. I wasn't a full-fledged member of those people's social groups, even though I had some nice acquaintances. Because many of these kids had significant social challenges, it was hard to bond with anyone like I could with Christine, Haley, or any other childhood friends. Sometimes when I'd sit at a lunch table, they would get up and move. Kaitlin came to sit with me anyway on one of these occasions, but I felt guilty about removing her from who she probably really wanted to talk to. And at the Halloween party, I ended up watching Poltergeist in the lounge, on the couch in my poodle skirt costume, because it was easier than trying to mingle.
Figuring that close friends would come, I began to distance myself from Ally on my parents' suggestion. Sure, this also meant spending more time with the guy who could talk of nothing but D&D, but at least he was nice. Life went on.
All was well until one night's floor meeting. 7:00 floor meetings were a time to go over concerns, talk about issues, go over our social skills that clearly needed improvement, whatever. Usually they weren't very exciting. But tonight, a few girls had been complaining of their shampoo and body products going missing from the shelves in the bathroom. The teacher on duty took a poll of who was missing anything, and several hands went up.
"Yeah, my shampoo is missing as well," Julie said. "I spent money on those. So whoever's doing it...stop."
I was uneasy about not having bathing supplies. As soon as the meeting was over, I ran to my room, took all my toiletries and stuck them in my safe. What if it didn't stop there? I looked at my yearbooks from Quaker school. They were my most prized items and a good reminder of what going to a good school used to be like. I couldn't stand the thought of anyone taking them, so I stuffed a few in the safe as well, though it took some bending.
Hours later, a couple of girls were hanging out in the lounge chatting. I heard the words "Ally" and "stealing" and "shampoo." I didn't want to believe it.
I went up to one of them tentatively. "Wait...so Ally was the one stealing the shampoo?"
"Yeah. She actually crossed off my name and wrote hers on it."
I walked into the bathroom and looked at the shelf where students kept my toiletries. Sure enough, a Sharpie marker had thickly crossed out what looked to be handwriting with Ally's name written in cursive, replacing what was there before. This was who I was friends with? She seemed so...normal. But her handwriting was painfully obvious.
A few days later we were in the lounge again. I decided to test the waters. "Hey, do you hear about the shampoo thing? Scary, right?"
She was visibly uncomfortable. "Mmm, yeah," she muttered, turning back to something super-fascinating on her computer.
I steered clear.
The next few weeks were spent either on my own or getting to know casual friends. Ally's parents even arrived on campus to take her shopping for more shampoo...because that was naturally what she needed as a reward for stealing. When I saw them arrive on campus, I simply looked away and kept going.
I was walking back from dinner one night after the Thanksgiving break when I saw Ally heading there herself. She was on her cell phone, as she often was, and saying, "I don't know what the deal is." I didn't need much context to know what she was talking about...or who. If my friend stopped hanging out with me randomly, I would want to know why, too. (Funny enough a similar instance would occur in college, but roles were reversed. Did I appear to be an Ally to someone else?)
She did manage to catch me in the lunch line the following day, so I was obliged to ask her about the so-called baby. "I had the baby over Thanksgiving," she said. She looked absolutely no different than before. She then showed me what she believed to be stretch marks. "See? But they're common in Mexicans, so it's no big deal."
Uh huh.
But that little conversation sucked me right back in. One of Ally's superpowers seemed to be preventing others from saying no, or drawing them back in. Whenever she wanted, she could be a good friend again. So that evening, we were hanging out in her bedroom. I was showing her Ben's house on Google Maps like Christine and I used to do. It was just like old times. Why couldn't we just stay that way? Still, a part of me felt guilty and knew I deserved better.
But the saga didn't end with the shampoo. She had stopped stealing, at least for the time being. Her parents had taken her to the mall for more of her own products.
Still, Ally never seemed to have enough money for anything else. Whenever a group of us would go on a weekend outing, she would ask to borrow money. Funny thing to ask for a girl whose parents owned one of the biggest corporations in the United States. When I said no, saying I needed it for something, she would proceed to Caitlyn, who would say the same thing. "I'm sorry, Ally. I need this."
"Please...?"
"Ally!"
She sighed and made a fuss and ended up leaving without the Ghirardelli squares she wanted.
In the fall, being the good friend that I was, I gave in a couple of times. I gave her five, ten, twenty dollars for various items she ended up "wanting" at the mall. "I'll pay you right back," she said, with the smallest trace of a thank-you. Whatever. I didn't really need it anyway, right? Well, fast forward to several weeks later and I still didn't have my twenty or so back. I spoke to my parents on the phone as I usually did about those things, and conversations were had with the school. When her parents came to campus to take her on the shampoo trip, I was given an envelope full of the money owed...very personally handed to me... by a faculty member. So you can see why I didn't want to give her anything now.
We just weren't going to be like old times. The truth was, I had applied to a high school in New Jersey. Even my parents realized that Felton wasn't a good fit. Before arriving back in Connecticut, I had interviewed at the New Jersey place and it seemed decent enough. It was still a boarding school, which I disliked, but at least the curriculum was more challenging and it was closer to home. Plus, no Ally.
Funny enough, when my dad called and told me I had been accepted for the following spring, Ally was the first one I told. I took her into the bathroom and she seemed excited for me. Who knew? Maybe we could get along for another two weeks. After all, friends were friends.
Or not. When some people get stressed over the end of a semester, they stay up too late and drink coffee. Ally threw tantrums. Just like that, things were weird again. During those weird periods, we didn't talk a whole lot. This was no exception.
On her whiteboard was written, "Please knock OR ELSE." I was sitting in the lounge one night listening to another screaming match with a teacher discussing the wording of it. After what seemed to be a violent verbal struggle, the wording was changed to a playful "Please knock or else I will eat you."
Still terrifying. Especially when combined with the snarky Happy Bunny posters with the smiling rabbit spewing sarcastic remarks.
Soon afterward, it was a quiet weekend when a bunch of us were hanging out in the lounge. "I think Beth is supposed to be coming back soon," Kaitlin said.
"Isn't she the girl who was always getting into trouble?" I asked, happy to be in the know (but not exactly thrilled she was coming after hearing the rumors). "Ally said she was always stealing from her and calling her names."
The other Caitlyn shook her head. "That was Ally. Not Beth. Did she tell you about the Hello Kitty shirt?"
Clearly Caitlyn had heard about this before. After all, I was the only newbie in school this year, so no surprise. I nodded.
"Yeah, Ally doesn't buy anything with Hello Kitty on it. That was all Ally doing the stealing." I felt numb. Was Caitlyn telling the truth? Considering the solemn looks on the others' faces, it looked that way.
Ally was off-balance, sure, but she also seemed like a decent friend if she wanted to be. But then again, she had already known what type of shirt it was that Ally had stolen without me even mentioning it. This story had made the rounds before...
How long would it be until my lack of interest in friendship took its toll andâ¯Iâ¯no longer had any sweet-smelling soap left?
***
You know when a story has a cheap ending that really doesn't solve anything? The kids' author Gail Carson Levine says that once she considered dropping a bomb on everyone just to end the story already, but of course she couldn't. But sometimes it works. I did something I'd never done before and staged an escape.
A few days before the end of the semester, Felton was planning a showcase event for the parents in which special two-week long classes that we'd taken could show off their work. It would be the last thing I'd do before packing up and departing Connecticut forever.
Unfortunately, the weather did not cooperate. A snowstorm was scheduled to hit on the day of the showcase, and so my parents made the decision to take me home the night before.
That night we were also scheduled to have a Christmas/holiday pageant in the great hall (aka the bland multipurpose room which looked nothing like a Hogwarts-esque great hall). I had somehow been shepherded into playing a, well, shepherd. This was very exciting for me, as I thought it might be a chance to get back into my faith, or get back into performingâthe show my elective theater class was doing, You're a Good Man Charlie Brown, wouldn't happen for me now anyway. I didn't get to see the show or sit with Ally, which she seemed disappointed about. Rather, I stayed "backstage" (aka one of the classrooms attached to the hall) and watched from a distance until it was time for our act.
The performance itself wasn't much. I didn't have a speaking role, and I kept getting the giggles (and having to muffle them). I think having to look up at the star with a dramatic, surprised look started it. It was not my proudest moment. But I was happier than I had been in a long time. I was about to leave Connecticut forever and it was Christmas! Praise be the Lord! Maybe that's why I was laughing.
My dad and grandpa arrived that night. We left as soon as the performance was over; before Ally could find me and throw a fit or prolong a goodbye. My stuff was in piles; we quickly took it all out to the car. It was almost 10:00 by the time we left. As we drove away, I barely bothered to look back at the lights coming from the dorms. It wasn't my school anymore. It never felt like it. Any traces of the life I had there---friends, classmates, lessons, Ally--- would soon vanish.
Still, maybe I had one more shot. Days before I started at the new school, I saw something online---an article or something, I don't remember anymore--- that fascinated me. Ally had to know about it. Plus, I'd be safe having communication with her seeing as we were four states away. I texted her, saying that she should get on iChat ASAP. A few moments later came this text: "I CAN'T"
Well, excuse me, Princess. You couldn't even try getting on at a later time? It was, after all, aâ¯text.
I never heard from Ally after that. Nor did I try to reach out to her. Who knew what she was up to. I guessed she was still at our school, but I had no idea what was going on in her life. I was fortunate not to have been wrapped up in one of those super toxic friendships where the toxic friend actually convinces the other to do dangerous things...of course, I'd almost be involved in several toxic friendships in high school. So this was good practice, really.
Still, a part of me wished it could have worked out. At the time.
Ally had a sweet side, and I recall times when she comforted me when I missed certain guys from middle school. During our sleepover, she had been a shoulder to cry on. And then the following week, she'd be having tantrums in front of our teachers and being kicked out of class. Also, research revealed that she didn't own the quote website either. And, needless to say...her father was no business tycoon. My high school roommate/best friend and I would look this up just to be sure years later.
But then I think back to the fun times. The Google Mapping and the makeup and the ridiculous Babyphat ads and watching Tina Fey for the first time. For a temporary bad-girl friendship, it wasn't so bad. We didn't smoke or do drugs. And I'm pretty sure that neither of us had a baby. While Felton did lots of things for other students, it wasn't for me. It was time for something new.
I wasn't really sure where this story was going. I wish I could have told you about a big showdown or something at Christmas break, but Ally wasn't that kind of person. Maybe what we all need is just to have a close friend once in a while. We served our purposes---her to welcome me to a new school, me to be supportive or be a temporary friend or whatever--and left. Hopefully, our miserable school experiences were improved just a tiny bit...or perhaps, if I was unlucky, it would be preparation for another friend later on.