IN THE BEGINNING, there was light.
And by that I mean I found the meaning of life at an early age. No, really.
My parents enrolled us in Sunday School at a local church. Each day we'd head to a large multipurpose auditorium and sit by grade. Our instructor, Connie, would lead us in some sort of lesson and then she'd say a prayer. Afterwards, we'd separate into our classrooms for craft projects and other fun lessons. Afterwards, I would step outside and life suddenly felt full of meaning. Why couldn't everyone be Christian? Loving thy neighbor, making friends in the Sunday School classrooms, and getting together to celebrate all the wonderful joys in life that the Lord gave us?
Vacation Bible School became the norm, too. Summer mornings were filled with many bead crafts, a bundle of coloring pages, a dash of Veggie Tales, and of course, helpings of relevant bible stories that somehow fit into a theme, like 2000 Ark Avenue or Beach Trekkin'. Even after VBS ended, the souvenir music tapes lived on during car rides for months to come. If you were looking for a peppy song about searching for the Water of Life, a rap song about the three guys in the furnace whose names I can't spell, or a musical retelling of Noah's Ark, those tapes were the place to look. My parents had more than enough of those tapes as summers went by.
I loved the Christmas Eve services as well. Our pastors really got into it, and the highlight of the evening was the telling of the first Christmas, where they'd dress up like barn animals and walk down the aisle in search of a stable. Then we'd come home from the services and decorate our little "Jesus tree" in the foyer, with foam ornaments we'd gotten from church that represented the birth of our Lord.
Unfortunately, we left the church before I went to middle school. My parents didn't like how the program made us attend classes several times a week once you became a teenager (er, even though we're always supposed to make time for God first?). I became interested in other time wasters, such as a potential relationship with a cute guy in my class, chat sessions with friends, and math homework. I never stopped believing in God, but religion just wasn't a focus in my life.
When I was a sophomore in high school, Danielle came into our dorm room one day complaining about a homework assignment. "We have to read the Bible!" she said. "I don't know, like why are they making us read about religion?"
I remembered reading at some point that schools were allowed to teach religious texts as literature, and I supposed this was what they were doing here as well. When I went on to senior year, the unit was the same. Our assignment was to work on a Bible story wiki. I was assigned the story of Adam and Eve, and later the story of Job. We were meant to look at literary connotations so we could understand references that might appear in life and literature. As I read, I soon became reabsorbed by the ideas of what it meant to be fallen and in the implications behind it...where the entire world started. Working on a wiki page also allowed me to be able to recap stories for myself. I'd never felt so knowledgeable. Maybe this was something I should get back into.
Unfortunately, I soon became disillusioned with modern Christianity.
During my first semester of college, I took an American Religion course. An assignment was to visit a religious service that was not your own and write a brief report on your observations. So over the fall break, I visited a Baptist church nearby and was re-introduced to how nice the community could be. Nice families sitting together as the church leader, dressed in casual jeans and a top, led them in catchy, modern songs and a very interesting PowerPoint presentation about why Christians suffer. They also promoted Operation Christmas Child, a program in which you would fill a shoebox with items and send it to a child in need. You could also decorate the box to fit your taste. What a nice community!
Why wasn't I still doing this?
Fast forward to several weeks later, stepping into American Religions one night anxiously awaiting yet another guest speaker. The course itself was two and a half hours long every Wednesday evening, mainly consisting of guest speakers and some readings or videos from the instructor. But the guest speakers weren't bad (usually) and were usually either nice or had a good sense of humor. Our first guest called out a guy in the back row for playing Solitaire on his laptop, and we all had a good laugh. That night's guy was from a Lutheran church...the kind of church I grew up in. This was shaping up to be good.
So he did his usual spiel, chatting us up about what Lutheranism was, what they believed, and what church services were like. Then, time for questions. One guy raised his hand. "What do you think about homosexuality?" he asked.
"We honestly don't talk about it much," he replied. "We don't really condone it. But if two people who are gay choose to marry others who are straight, we're fine with that."
I supposed it didn't much matter; it was their life, they should do what they want. But I was also confused and a tiny bit shocked. Gay marriage was being talked about in the media a lot lately. Shouldn't Christians, who were supposed to love one another like Jesus did, be avid proponents of this movement? I'd taken enough Sunday School to know that love conquers all, no matter what.
I guess not. After hearing a certain verse in the book of Leviticus being brought up time after time, it seemed that two people of the same gender being together was an unforgivable sin. Still, I doubted. It specifically mentioned the lovemaking part of a relationship, never marriage or even sexuality itself. Similar verses in other parts of the Bible (I've only seen one, and the very next verse says that they have been saved by God's grace) say the same, but again, nothing on marriage. When I read Leviticus for myself later on, it was revealed in plain English that that book of the Bible was meant to be laws for Moses' Hebrews, so God's people could be made right with Him. The entire purpose of Jesus' sacrifice was to save us and free us from those laws. Yet thousands still believed we had to abide by them.
Over my college career, things got worse. Stories in the news of the Westboro Baptist Church picketing funerals because the person was gay. A local Catholic school condemning and removing references of the very lovely Ellen DeGeneres during some kind of school event just because she was gay. Nightclub shootings, which may or may not have been homophobia-based. Laws being passed that simply existed to allow businesses to turn away gay people. And many of these crimes or otherwise hateful acts were coming from children of God and Jesus.
It wasn't just homosexuality, either. Obsession with abortion soon picked up sometime during Obama's second term, an issue that might be touched on in one Bible verse. Another local Catholic school (not too long ago) displayed a sign that said, "November is Celebrate Life Month." My mind drifted to the little kindergartners inside the school who were being indoctrinated with political values rather than God's love. This is what they were learning to take from religion? Getting angry at other people's life choices and then being passive-aggressive about it? Where was the tolerance of Jesus here?
This was not what I'd learned in Sunday School.
I was more confused and saddened than ever. What about other sins, like lying and stealing and getting a divorce, which is actually forbidden in the Bible? Nope, nobody cared about those. Just being gay and not getting abortions. I also cringed when I saw far right wing politicians constantly fighting to take away the rights of minority groups while promoting their God at the same time. Was God something to simply be left in church? There had to be more to Christianity than this!
The thing was, too, that it confused me, even today. You're basically telling people, "oh, you love people of the same gender? I don't love you anymore! Get out of my house/church!" If your love of someone stops because of something as silly as who they love, it was never there to begin with. My God loves unconditionally.
Of course, not all in our faith are hateful, even if they don't approve of gay marriage. I used to receive a newsletter with bite sized Bible studies that came every day. They were fascinating, relevant, and I always learned something new.
One day I received a little study in my inbox on why abortion is not a laughing matter. Apparently, a Christian-based movie was making fun of the concept, and my newsletter author took offense. Then she did something unexpected: left a comforting note to those who had an abortion, along with helpful resources. She didn't judge. She treated the "sinners" with love and compassion. Ironically, I unfollowed the newsletter after it became super homophobic. Why have an attitude about one "sin" but not another? I later realized I was being a hypocrite; judging others for being imperfect, and regretted my decision.
Still, I come back to moments like these when I feel discouraged to return to church services seeing the actions of those around me. I hate stereotypes and find them harmful even in jest, yet sometimes it's I who falls into their trap. I look at the church and assume there will be hate. But Christine had been 100% Catholic, and yet loved gay people as she would love herself. I also ended up joining a Bible study group on campus, something I'd been wanting to try and finally got sucked into after going to a club fair on campus. Each Monday night, we would gather in a small office and discuss Biblical topics, usually after fifteen minutes of distracting small talk or an icebreaker game. We ended up working through the book of James as well as some other verses during my time there. We also learned new ways of praying and meditating. Sitting by candlelight, a group leader would take us through prayer methods and we'd sit in silence, reflecting. It was friendly and not hateful at all. These people were doing it right.
But the study group started bugging me too. Social niches can be difficult to find in college, especially when many of your schoolmates aren't very open to meeting new people. Week after week, we discussed the importance of accepting other people and a specific instance was suggested that we sit with people sitting alone at lunch. Sadly, this was forgotten as soon as the evening was up. I am confident that several of these people saw me in the dining hall at school, yet nobody stopped to say hello. It seemed as if not many of them were interested in what I had to say in the group, either, as they'd listen politely but be eager to move on to the next contributor afterward. I gave it up after a year.
I did start paying attention to a local folksy Christian music group that seemed to have a nice following. Full Armor Band was a friendly, personable, not-quite-famous-but-selling-on-iTunes group that often came to perform in my college's small town. I'd heard about them from stalking Tim's Facebook page and soon grew to enjoy their music myself. (Sure, they considered March for Life to be a favorite event, but they shared their enthusiasm in a non-judgmental way. How could I not be happy for them?) As folksy as their stuff was, it still sounded pretty dang good and a great way to get some God in my day. I'd tried going to a concert down the street, but bailed. I did get plenty of Facebook interaction though; aside from interesting posts on what it meant to be Christian, they also shared funny stories of road mishaps and technical difficulties. Because their fanbase wasn't huge huge, sometimes they'd even read our comments. I even got a shoutout in a live video once, where they showed off a bandmate's new baby and told a bunch of poop jokes. It was fun while it lasted, but they fizzled away after I graduated.
End of Christian music scene.
Because the people-gathering/music groupie thing wasn't really working, I still set aside time to read my Bible every Sunday, following a highlighting color code to pick out the most important and interesting parts. It gave me personal time with God and time to reflect and think about what I was reading. Through this personal time, I also came to realize something: I wasn't always that much better. I was being nitpicky over other Christians' behavior and not paying enough attention to mine. And this behavior needed to stop. Not just by me, but by everyone. However, I still believe that we should all make an effort. Hate crimes are not an effort. Easily hating people because of who they love is not an effort. Maybe some things I do aren't an effort either. Perhaps I was wrong for judging my study group, for example.
A paradox says that the Bible is simple enough for young ones to understand, yet complicated enough to make a theologian sweat. It's true. As adults, we overthink and scrutinize so much that we often make things harder than they need to be. We want to place emphasis on following the rules, but any rules that should be followed shouldn't be a chore once you come to know Jesus. Rules and traditions are meaningless if you aren't a believer living with abandon. Christianity doesn't promise an easy life. It was hard to swallow some of the non-sugarcoated stuff, that's for sure. But you will be rewarded and your work will be rewarding as well. Faith is not going to be fun Sunday School songs and games all the time, but it shouldn't be complicated either.
The Bible also says that we must become as young children. What does this mean? I like to take it as not reading into anything too deeply and to love the Lord with abandon without the frivolities. I also like to read it as being happy because we have God in our corner, not worrying too much even if life is bad. Of course, another possibility would be actually acting like Jesus and not forgetting about these values after you leave church every Sunday, something some of my Bible study schoolmates might have forgotten.
Sooner or later, though, I wondered if I was doing enough living with abandon. I picked up a recent bestseller titled Kisses from Katie. The author gave up her comfortable life in the USA to move to Africa, start a foundation, and adopt a group of children. Life isn't always easy for them, but they love each other. Katie is able to depend more on Jesus by removing herself from modern conveniences and focus on the simple things, like her children and the Bible lessons she tells them. Homosexuality and abortion are never mentioned to get the real gist of God's love and expectations. Instead, I laughed and cried (and I never cry while reading books) as Katie found unexpected ways to solve the problems that God gave her, and as they got to know God and helped their community I found myself wanting to join them!
They say that once you know Jesus, your desires will change. Reading Katie's story made me realize how fortunate I was...and how little I was doing. Sure, I'd spent time volunteering at nursing homes, packing Thanksgiving meals, working at school to coordinate a "garage sale" so we could raise money for charity, and doing various projects during Community Service Weekend in high school. But it wasn't nearly enough. Maybe my desires were simply changing. Getting closer to God throughout the years made me want to serve His people more. But I also began to panic. Shouldn't we all be working as hard as we can to drop our lives and solve poverty? Yet here we are, watching TV and reading and running our businesses that don't solve anything and not working tirelessly to solve the problems.
(After irrational thinking blinded me for a few weeks, I then realized we'd all be in poverty if we didn't have people to run businesses and services that weren't necessarily charity. Still, I wish we as a species made a little more effort.)
It's the simple things too. Holding doors. Saying hello. Donating money we need to someone who needs it more. Lending a helping hand and putting others first. Forgiving others no matter how hard it may be. Isn't that really what life is about?
Loving isn't always easy. I'm still trying to figure out things for myself. But here are two things I know for sure. First, bullying is always wrong. The second most important of God's commandments is to love one another (the first, to love and honor God). Unlike homosexuality, that message is in every nook and cranny of the Bible. It's in the New Testament and the Old. Every time I see a Christian post on Pinterest make fun of the LGBTQ community, I'm saddened.
Secondly, people cannot help their sexuality. Just like all straight people eventually end up lusting (a supposed sin) over a love interest, so do gay people. Just like gay people may have sexual relations, so do many, many straight people, before they get married (another alleged sin). Straight people also have The Bachelor and think that's a good substitute for love! Long story short, we're all in the wrong here for something and cherry picking is stupid. Yet, collectively, our group has decided that Being Gay is the #1 Wrong Thing You Can Do--worthy of kicking your kids out of the house. Why doesn't lying carry that penalty? Or stealing? Because God forgives, and disowning your kids is wrong. So why is being gay in a totally different camp, assuming it's a sin? Fortunately, God's love is enduring. He isn't going to condemn His children for something they can't help. Sin is a choice (note that homosexuality isn't) and sooner or later we all do it. Perhaps that's why the Bible says not to judge. Nobody is perfect.
In the meantime, I'll do what I can, as we all should. I'll go back to the basics and simply love thy neighbor. After all, that is one of the great commandments besides loving God. Christianity, or any faith, is so much more than a set of rules to follow and yelling at people for who they love. Let's get back to that.