''Do you think he'll lose interest in me if I tell him I can't go?'' Amanda asked, her face scrunched up with worry
We were in her bedroom, getting ready to head out, and by we - I mean Amanda, every few seconds holding up a new top to her chin, and me - filing my nails with the weird electronic file machine, Amanda's mom owned.
''No, I don't think he will lose interest in you, you're a total catch Mandy, I'm sure he'll understand''
Amanda bit her lip, holding up a green plaid fitted shirt with bedazzled rose embellishments on the breast-pockets
''Hell, no'' I said gesturing to the shirt.
I wasn't really a fashion icon, but that shirt was hideous, Amanda knew this too, no doubt. But she also had a dare-devil tendency - sometimes she took the safe route, other times she went full out. Especially where this shirt is concerned, - it had been her favourite one all through middle school
Amanda hung it back in her cupboard
''I don't even know why you still have that thing, throw it out''
Amanda pouted like a little kid whose parents had just refused to buy her ice-cream.
''It has sentimental value to me, - Ryan Fleming gave me my first kiss in this thing'' She retorted, pulling it out of the cupboard again and holding it next to her face
''Well if you wear that, or ever wear that you'll for sure never be kissed by Kevin''
Amanda threw her bunny slipper in my direction
I ducked.
She folded her arms across her chest, biting back a smile.
I shrugged innocently, putting the filer thing down, as it was slightly starting to hurt my fingers
''Why don't you just keep what you have on right now'' I asked finally looking up to see what she was wearing, - which looked totally fine.
Amanda looked down at her jean shorts, and white bell sleeved top and flip flops
''I feel like this is too basic''
''c'mon you look fine, Guys don't care about what you wear''
Amanda scoffed at this
I was giving dating and fashion tips, when I knew nothing about both
''Don't be an ass, you know I'm right'' I said feigning a smile
Amanda said nothing, settling on what she was wearing and clearing up the pile of clothes that was on her bed.
''How do you know when you like someone?'' I asked daringly
Amanda seemed to regard me for a moment, looking me dead in the eye as she folded up a purple tank top
''I don't know really, I guess you just feel different around that person than you do with other guys'' She answered, shrugging and walking back to her closet, when she spun around so fast, nearly dropping the pile of neatly folded clothes that she held against her chest
''Ohh does Emily like someone?'' Amanda dragged out the question mischievously, wagging her eyebrows at me
''No, No! I don't. I just don't get it. - Like how did you know you liked Kevin?''
''oh '' Amanda said, looking almost disappointed - ''Well I haven't really thought about it like that. - Well besides the fact that he is a whole lotta hunk - '' Amanda said licking her lips lavishly
I made a face of showing my discomfort
''Oh don't be such a drag, just admit he is cute''
I shook my head not agreeing
''He is cute, almost every girl thinks so'' she insisted
''I'm not every girl'' I argued
''Yeah, but you are a girl, so that's enough''
I turned to Amanda ''Why does it matter if I think he is cute or not, - if you like him, shouldn't that be enough?'' I asked
Amanda scrunched up her face, like she didn't quite agree
She was hesitant when answering
''Well, yeah I suppose. - But still, what's wrong with him that you don't like? - Unless it isn't boys you fancy?'' Amanda said wiggling her eyebrows at me
I rolled my eyes, and changed into a sitting position on her bed
''He is just not my cup of tea'' I stated
Amanda perked up
''Oh, so what's your cup of tea then?''
''Banana and nuts?'' Amanda egged on
''That would be a disgusting tea flavour............''
Oh, she wasn't talking about tea
''Okay cucumber and plums''
''Gross''
''Sausage and eggs''
I smiled at this, and this act influenced her even more
''Aubergine an - ''
She was relentless
''I don't know I guess I still need to find what flavour suits my tongue'' I said, cutting her off
Now it was Amanda's turn to make a disgusted face.
Amanda's mom came in to the room pushing the door all the way open
''Oh you girls should try cranberry chai tea, it's to die for'' she made an act of holding her fingers together and kissing the tips, emphasising just how 'to -die - for' it really was
We both burst out laughing.
_______________________________
We were still bickering as we left the house, and entered Dave's.
On arriving at Dave's house I had a slight shift in mood
I was anxious, - remembering the night I embarrassed myself. Plus some of the kids that were there that night attended Dave's parties regularly.
Great.
''You okay?'' Amanda asked noticing my sudden change, when I lagged behind her
''Yeah, I'm great'' - I lied running, to catch up with her
She didn't seem to buy it, -and for a moment I felt bad for lying to her again.
I just kept on lying and lying and lying and thinking nothing of it.
''You sure?'' She double-checked
''Yeah I'm just feeling a little queasy, - I think it was that sandwich I ate'' I assured her, brushing it off
Amanda nodded, buying this excuse. We had gone to big Joe's before we came here, so she had no doubt.
The reality was sinking in about what I was about to do.
Even if Finn was a jerk, it didn't give me the right to treat him like one
I needed to do this. I took a deep breath, reminding myself of my intentions for why I had come here: I was going to say sorry to Finn, I mean he probably wouldn't forgive me, and besides it all, he had been a good friend, even though I judged him more than he did, me.
We didn't get far when I spotted this girl, this girl whose face I recalled, because she had been the one who looked so shocked, like she might faint when I started yelling at Finn. The girl nudged her friend, then she and her friend sent me a disapproving look
I didn't need their approval.
After that, it was like I went into rebel- mode
I strode past Amanda
''Where are you going?'' Amanda called out behind me confused
''I just need to do something real quick, I'll be right back'' - and with that I disappeared from Amanda's line of vision.
Straight into someone else's
We needed to stop meeting like this, otherwise this might start to sound like a cliché teen fiction novel
''Finn'' I breathed out
He looked at me smugly, but I knew he was hiding whatever emotions he was feeling under that.
''We need to talk'' I managed to get out, - disappointed at how vulnerable I sounded
He shrugged
''Whatever'' he said nonchalantly, - his ease almost pained me because of how hard I was trying to be cool and not chicken out. He was being cold, I didn't blame him it was better than ignoring.
The girls outside came inside shooting me looks in their wake.
I could've just talked to him there, but then, the millions of ears that were present, would hear and have plenty to say about it
''Please, just hear me out, -''. All of a sudden I needed him to listen to me - '' I know I have no right to, but please, I promise I'll stay out of your hair after this''
He said nothing, but he let me lead him into a more secluded area.
Once we were in the quiet, it seemed too quiet. - But rather here than there.
I tried meeting his gaze but I couldn't bring myself to. - I read a little article a while back, listing tips on how to make your apology successful. And the 3rd step had been; to make eye contact.
And so far this apology was already showing evident signs of it being unsuccessful.
''I just wanted to say I'm sorry for what went down, - and I didn't come here expecting you to forgive me. I just wanted to say sorry for what I did. - That it was a dick move and totally uncalled for, I was angry and in search of someone to blame the shit in my life on, And I'm truly sorry for that.- '' my apology came out in a blabbered mess.
The 2nd point in the apology article emphasized on how to not let the words come tumbling out of your mouth; as it made you uneasy, and your uneasiness will most likely cause the person that you're apologizing to feel the same way. - Instead you should be calm, direct, and intact with your emotions while apologizing.
All the things I hadn't been.
This apology was proving more and more to be in completing utter vain.
There was a minute of deafening silence. I met his eyes now, but his wavered, I smiled at him, a smile I felt that didn't quite reach my eyes.
I had come to do what I intended, I was done here
''Bye Finn. -
- have a nice life''
And with that I walked out with no intention of ever returning.
A few months ago, when I had stepped foot in here I had known I didn't belong, I had known full well that it wasn't my scene, and had never been
But I had taken a chance
And now I was facing the consequences of my decisions.
After that; Maybe Finn had called out to me, maybe he hadn't.- I would never know, because before anything else I would always be a chicken.