We didn't speak, I guess it was technically my fault, - but things were haywire at home in preparation of Thanksgiving, so much so, that making things right with Finn seemed to have slipped my mind.
Until one night, he pulled up, and honked.
Fucking honked
If I might add: like a lunatic
Not like a tap on the hooter, like normal folk do
More like a slam your palm against the hooter and keep it there until all the neighbours wake
At first I didn't know it was Finn, I thought it was some dick neighbour
Until mom pointed it out by asking who was honking
I shrugged
Well it definitely wasn't for me
Until I looked outside the window
I ran out of the house, not caring that I had a pair of leggings, a sweatshirt and ugs on.
All that I cared about in that moment was putting an end to the honking, I had also noticed a lot of our neighbours had begun coming out of their homes to see what the ruckus was
Could this get any worse?
Nearing the car, Finn opened the door for me
Yes, such a gentleman
I clambered in, and muttered some sort of greeting
Only then did he remove his hand from the hooter,
I expected an answer to why he was honking outside my house at nearly ten, I expected him to say something in the least
Finn said nothing, he just drove.
It was times like this where I felt like screaming at him to just talk.
But not tonight, I still felt bad for how poorly I had treated him the last time.
So I said nothing, even if the silence was deafening, unnerving even
Well this was my tactic, but I couldn't, I could practically feel the words forcing their way out of my mouth
''I'm sorry, about last - ''
''Its fine'' Finn added sharply
''No, it's not; it's just that lately -''
''Emily, its fine, no big deal'' he said, clearly intent on cutting me off at every sentence
I wasn't giving up
''I just want you to know why'' I said, my voice barely audible
He turned to me, his eyes met mine with such intensity that I turned away
''Don't tell me now, to try and make yourself feel better about whatever you think you supposedly 'did' to me, I honestly couldn't give a fuck, you could've just told me, if you'd trusted me enough''
Those words were like a slap in the face; my heart had begun to race
I sat abnormally still, trying to calm my heartbeat
Finn said he didn't care, but I'd be an idiot if I hadn't picked up, that he did care and he was hurt about it
But, because being a wimp overrides many of the things I do nowadays, I sat silent the rest of the car ride.
The jeep eventually came to an abrupt halt, and I nearly flew through the windscreen
Should have put the damn seatbelt on
Recovering from the slight whiplash, I looked around, taking in my surroundings; it was another party type of thing
I swallowed, remembering last time I went to a party
Finn slipped out, and then patiently waited for me to get out so he could lock up
Truth be told, I didn't want to get out, or go inside for that matter, as I heard some concerns
''I don't think I should go in'' I stuttered, the memory of what happened and the fear of embarrassment had begun to seep in
''It's no one you know'' he stated affirmatively
''Oh'' I managed to mutter before Finn shut his door
I got out, and caught up to him
I assumed if it was no one I knew, that would mean no one from school
But then who was it?
I swallowed the dread in my stomach
I'd say it seemed like a typical frat party, but I'd never been to one before to compare this one to
I imagined if a frat party had to look like something it would look like this
It was the same vibe more or less than the parties I had been to. Different crowd, different location, but the same
There were a lot of high school kids, not from my school of course, but enough of them for me to feel like I wasn't the only one underage, and that probably shouldn't be here.
There was also a few of Finn's friends present
I had never met his friends before
First impression: They were so different, so much so, that I would've never have known those were his friends if Finn hadn't introduced them to me
First I met Noah, - he took Finn's hand first, (that guy handshake that guys do- when it's a handshake at first and then becomes a shoulder bump)
Noah didn't say anything; he just eyed me warily, which was when Finn offered my name
Next was Dom
Dom unlike Noah asked straight away who I was
Finn said nothing, but his arm around my waist said enough
I didn't know if this was a good thing or bad thing at the time
That night was one of the first nights I had gotten a tiny glimpse into Finn's actual world
It was crazy
I was a young stupid teenager at a party with a boy that I was coming to realize; I actually didn't know that much about him
So I did what I always do, I retracted into my shell
This party was kind of insane; Finn's friends were also quite scary. Not in an evil way, just in a way that you can feel in your gut that something is not right and that being alone with those people could potentially be dangerous
I didn't mind, I stayed back, observed, didn't really do much
I did hate myself for being this anxious, and anti-social, like there were these barriers that were holding me back from being the person I wanted to be.
My insecurities and paranoia held me back from doing many of the things I wanted to do
And I knew of something that could make me loosen up
But I wasn't really supposed to get high, when we came to these things
But we weren't dealing, so this seemed like an exception
This also made me wonder why Finn had brought me here in the first place
Too much happened that night for me to remember every detail, I recall Dom doing something later that evening that scarred itself into my memory, I had looked away when he pushed the needle into his skin, and emptied the needles contents into his bloodstream
I hated needles
It seemed so surreal
I knew that drugs were something terrifying and beautiful at the same time
But this didn't seem right
Dom inhaled and threw his head back continuing to inhale deeply
And then smiled at the ceiling
The whole process I had been sitting on the sofa next to Dom, but things were getting crazy now, so I got up, this getting too much for me to stomach, when Dom surprised me by grabbing my arm
''What's your name again?'' he asked all charm
''Emily'' I answered, not because I wanted to, but because I was scared shitless
''You Finn's girl'' he asked slyly
I didn't answer; I just tugged at my arm
Dom ignored my struggling efforts to escape
''This shit is amazing'' he said smiling brightly
He leaned in to me so that his lips were almost touching my ear
''have you ever had crystal meth"' he whispered, his breath sending nervous waves through my body
''Could you let go'' I asked, my voice quivering
''yo, Dom what the fuck'' I heard Finn's voice, his face stricken
Dom let go, I rubbed at my arm
''Just wanna show your girl a good time here'' Dom said to Finn innocently, then turned and winked at me
''Piss off, and take that shit out of here'' Finn said pointing at the contents on the table of the remaining drugs lying on the table
''c'mon let's get outa here'' Finn said, nearly falling over his feet
It was then when I realized Finn was drunk, his tough demeanour towards Dom had hidden the fact that he was wasted
Finn had never been drunk before, and seeing him like this worried me.
Things were progressively getting worse.
We made it outside, and then Finn collapsed on all fours, puking violently.
And then he didn't get up
I nudged him
He groaned
''Finn get up''
Another groan
I helped him sit up, thinking this might urge him to get up
It didn't
''Why did you do this?'' I asked
He didn't answer he just looked at me, his eyes so sad, it hurt me.
Finn was wasted
So wasted, I couldn't waste any more time, I hauled him up with all my might, I was barely strong enough
it would be impossible to get him home, I was stressing, I couldn't leave him here, and no one at the stupid party cared enough to help me, my body was in pain from all his weight, my legs were quaking, and my eyes had begun to water
Stop being a pussy
With all my strength I put his one arm around my shoulder, and slowly got up
With his free arm, Finn grabbed my arm, his fingers digging slightly too deep for comfort
''Baby'' he murmured into my ear, gently nicking at it
''C'mon Finn we have to get you home''
With the hand that was on my arm, he grabbed my chin, to look at him, forcing me to look at him
Worry dancing in my stomach like crazy
''You cute when your upset'' he said planting a sloppy kiss
I drew back
''No fooling around Finn'' I said sternly
''There's no fun in that '' he said and it almost came out slurred
I got up, lifting Finns body with mine, he didn't protest he even tried helping
''C'mon to the car'' I said encouragingly
Slowly we made our way to the car, and hesitating before I decided to put him in the passenger seat, seeing that he couldn't drive
But neither could I exactly
There was no time to fret, I got in and slowing down my breaths that had oddly started to sound like I was hyperventilating
Finn laughed
''Chill baby'' he said squeezing my thigh, just before falling against the window of the car
I started the car trying to recall lessons, and then drove Finn home.
It was hard trying to remember to change gears, and not take your foot too quick of the clutch pedal or else the car jerked, while still keeping an eye on Finn making sure that he was still breathing
Lately I had read too much overdose and drug abuse stories, and at this point I was obsessively paranoid
When we got to Dave's place, I hoisted Finn out the car, grabbed the key at the pot plant of the main entrance, (I'd seen Finn do this a couple of times)
The house was deserted, Dave was by his parents and Cecily was on campus, it was just Finn & I
I poured him some water and ordered him to drink, he drunk it all up and handed the glass back drowsily
I took it and set it on the sink
The rest was easy. He pretty much walked up the stairs to his own bedroom
Making my job instantly ten times easier
I followed him up, to check that he was okay before heading out
On another occasion, I might've stayed, just to be 100% sure that he was fine
But I needed to get home; I might've been rebelling, but I still had a will to live
And plus Finn seemed Fine, he slipped off his shoes, and jacket, struggling a bit with his belt buckle,
I chuckled and helped him undo it, the whole time I could feel his eyes boring into me, slightly unsettling me.
I went into the bathroom, and got some painkillers for his nightstand, and set a bottled water next to that
Once he was done undressing in nothing but boxer shorts he got onto the bed, I switched off the light besides him
''Good night'' I said softly
''Stay'' he said his voice sounding distant, so far away
''I can't'' I admitted
The boots that he had kicked off I picked up and put it on a place, and with that walked away
He grabbed me; I had barely made it to the door
I stood still, surprised by his drunken state strength
He pulled me closer so that I was awkwardly standing beside the bed
I sighed
''Finn, I really can't stay''
He wasn't taking no for an answer, he pulled me down onto the bed
I yelped involuntarily
'''Finn seriously''
He clambered on top of me and kissed me with such ferocity, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly frightened
''You're drunk'' is what I whispered instead
Finn ignored me, I tried manoeuvring out from underneath him, but his body had begun to crush mine
I tried drawing further away but his hand had snaked into my hair and tugged so hard, I feared hair might've come out as he pressed his lip against mine again
Finn's breath reeked of alcohol and bad decisions
His head moved down to my jaw sucking and kissing all the way down to my throat
Maybe in a different setting, with different circumstances I'd be enjoying this
But I couldn't bring myself to, seeing Finn like this was new to me, and things that were new and unexpected, frightened me
I tried to get out, Finn didn't budge, this action caused me to stress
I was trapped
''C'mon Finn cut it out'' I said with more urgency now
He murmured against my skin
''C'mon I urged him gently'' thinking being forceful would not be the way to go about this
But Finn didn't budge
And then his hands were slipping under my shirt
I tried moving my legs, honest to god, but he straddled me and kept my arms firmly in place
I bit my lip, afraid for what was about to happen next, as Finn wasn't stopping
He ripped off my shirt, exposing me from the waist up
My first reaction was to cover up, but my hands were trapped
Finn moved down slipping his tongue into my belly button
I gasped from the sensation
I guess this urged him on
He yanked off my bra, my breasts spooling out, his eyes roamed ravenously across my chest, as he kneaded my breasts
It hurt slightly, as he was pressing too hard
He kissed me again. My lips sore from the harshness
When he drew back I looked at him dead in the eye when I saw the look of what he was planning on doing
I don't think I was mentally/physically or emotionally prepared for what would come next
So I tried now as hard as ever to get out, but if I didn't emphasize this enough before; I was trapped
Finn was too drunk to listen to me, or to stop
It was then when my anxiety sky-rocketed
''I don't want to do this'' I said nervously
Maybe he didn't hear, maybe it never left my mouth; honestly I didn't know what was real, this night had turned into something else
''Baby you so hot'' he said biting down on one of my breasts, the pain sending a shrill through my spine
He took this in the wrong way and slipped off his boxer shorts
The reality of it all started to sink, and I felt the tear run down my cheek
''I don't want to, I don't â'' I began shakily
Finn slipped his fingers in my jeans and into my underwear
''You not wet for me'' he murmured into my neck
I was still as a corpse
''Well we have to fix that then don't we?'' he said more to himself than me
As his fingers pumped into me over and over, I clenched my eyes shut ignoring the hurt and trying to focus on pleasure people spoke about when their boyfriends or girlfriends fingered them
I couldn't
It didn't feel like it was supposed to
It happened too fast
Finn slipped inside, and I bit down on my lip, bit down on the pain bit down on the emotions, bit down on the feelings I was feeling right now
I looked at him, the moonlight coming in from the window illuminating his face, his face being enough for me, his eyes were closed his head bent back as he moved, he panted and I focused on him and the ease in his face, as he built himself up
I didn't feel anything arousing, all I felt was his shaft moving rythmatically inside me
I focused on his face as he released his load
He rolled off, and onto my side, kissing the side of my breast
''That was good baby''
I said noting I just stayed like that staring at the ceiling
Your first time wasn't supposed to be perfect, your first time wasn't supposed to be great; your first time didn't matter right?
I turned to him; his back was now facing mine, as he drifted into a soundless sleep
All I could do was be there for him, like I would be
I kissed his tattooed shoulder, and succumbed to sleep as well