I didn't stay the night like they did in the movies
Instead I picked up my clothes, and let myself out, deciding to walk home
Realistically the distance from Finn's place to mine was quite far.
I wasn't planning on walking the full distance; I just wanted to walk for a bit, as I found walking to be calming and the best time to think
And right now I needed to think
Everything was happening too fast, I didn't think I liked Finn enough for whatever was happening to be happening
I remember Amanda told me, that liking someone was kind of dangerous in a way; because it consumed you, like you'd think about them all the time, imagine the times you'd be together, smile randomly to yourself just merely recalling things the other person might've done or said.
Yet none of these things I was experiencing
To be blatantly honest, I did think about him, though it was more thoughts of his wellbeing, whether he was okay, whether he was sad, or what on earth had happened to him to make him so unsure of the world
And how could I help him
This might sound quite shitty
But I think I cared more about him, than I liked him
Take tonight for instance
What I knew about Finn was that he wasn't really reckless; he was actually really smart about things, so smart that you wouldn't even have known he had some ulterior motive behind something as ordinary as fetching the mail from the mailbox
I also knew that he's been through things......
I didn't know what they were or the intensity of it all, just that it changed his view on a lot of things which in my opinion; is quite sad
Or that Finn believed by not acknowledging something or avoiding talking about it, somehow took away that fact that whatever had happened hasn't happened
Even with staying sober
Sure Finn smoked a lot of cigarettes, and a few joints, but never enough to get him that high, or that wasted, he was always so careful about these things
So what the hell had tipped him off tonight?
I thought of Finn's friends, they were a bit intimidating and scary, but it just made me realize how different our worlds were
Then there was one more thing....
I wasn't a virgin anymore
A while back I read an article about teens and their first times, in one of Amanda's magazines, and I read that your first time generally wasn't supposed to be like hot movie sex, it was more awkward and spontaneous
Spontaneous yes, but I wouldn't say awkward
I also remember from the article that it did hurt for like a few moments, but then afterwards it was supposed to be euphoric and mind-blowing, like you had just discovered a new insane part of yourself you never knew was there
I didn't know if they meant the pleasure was supposed to kick in after like a while, whilst you were still busy doing the deed for the first time, or after a couple of tries, when you had sex more than one time
Whatever it was, in my personal experience it had just been uncomfortable, like I was being prodded by a professor like a science experiment
But sex wasn't supposed to be great the first time right?
I got home at around 7 the morning
Admittedly I might've taken a few detours before finally deciding to head home
I got inside and shut the door behind me with a light thud
''hey, where you been"?'' Mom asked as I came into the house
I was more surprised that mom was up so early, than her sudden interest in my whereabouts
This kind of made me mad, her audacity to just ask such a simple question, after months of neglecting everything except alcohol
And now that it suited her she was playing the mom role again
I considered ignoring her and making a b-line to my room
After all it had been what she had been doing
But I saw dad and Grandma sitting alongside each other at the kitchen table, and I thought better
Dad and mom would kill me if I so much as said something that gave away their game of who can pretend to be the best hypocrite
Dad looked at me, one eyebrow raised in my direction, he didn't have to say anything I could practically hear what he was thinking: your mother spoke to you, answer her
''Was just at a friend'' I managed to mumble
Grandma was sipping tea daintily oblivious to the tension in the room; she just smiled at me and gave me a wink
''Oh nice, how is Amanda'' mom asked, and I resisted the urge to say what was really on my mind
Just because mom and dad were ready to act, didn't mean I was
'''she's g -'' I stopped mid-sentence, this had become a reflex of mine since we were kids when mom asked about her
A reflex I needed to work on
''She's good, - '' I began ''but I wasn't at Amanda'' I answered somewhat truthfully
''Oh'' mom seemed genuinely surprised at his, for a moment, mom had me fooled that she actually cared about what went down in my life
''Then by who?'' she asked, I knew she wasn't trying to be nosy, she was just trying to keep the conversation going, plus I didn't have any other friends, and the mere fact that I had been at someone that wasn't Amanda's was news to everyone's ears
''Cecily'' I said a bit too hastily. This statement alone made me feel guilty for some odd reason
I could've told her about Finn, but I didn't feel like she deserved to know, yet.
Plus I didn't think I was ready to tell her about Finn
''So will Amanda be coming along to thanksgiving this year'' mom asked
Abort mission
This wasn't something new or unusual; Amanda had stayed over for many thanksgivings throughout the years, Mom always phoned around to the Brynn's on thanksgiving
I wanted to lie, just so that I could avoid the truth for a little bit longer, but I was worried mom might've already phoned, and I didn't want to risk lying in case Amanda and my story didn't add up
I could've told the truth as well, but for some stupid reason I thought if I didn't admit it, it might not be true that my best friend for years had stopped being my friend in what seemed like a blink of an eye
I shrugged looking away from mom, I guess she took the hint that I really didn't want to talk anymore
''Come and give Grammy a kiss'' grandma said for the first time since I came in
I made my way over to her gingerly, and bent down for her to give me kiss on my forehead
She always smelt like the strongest floral perfume it was almost masculine
''Oh child, you getting thin'' she said
I took this as a compliment, I always felt on the rounder side
''You need to eat more''
I smiled at her
I'm sure I didn't
Mom set a tray of delicious looking cookies on the table
''I'm going to shower'' I said to no one in particular, low-key excusing myself in the nicest way possible
I shut my door, turning the shower on full blast
I got into the shower, the water slightly burning my skin
Memory of what happened came back in floods
I looked down expecting to see something different just to point me out as; not-a-virgin-anymore
But everything looked exactly the same; I honestly wouldn't have been surprised if I had grown a set of wings
It did feel a bit sore; I think this was fairly normal
My analogy of sex was that it was like getting a piercing: not knowing what to expect at the beginning, and not knowing how to describe it after
I lathered the soap onto the sponge and began making circle motions on my skin
For the first time, thoughts of Finn far from my brain