Like everything, being drunk had pro's and con's
It was the amount of pro's and the amount of con's that determined whether the topic at hand was good or bad
More pro's meant: good
More cons meant: bad
I don't think I'd have to list all the pros and cons of being drunk, because we all know that there'd be more cons than pros
Like for example; being drunk was a con because sometimes you did and said some crazy things, things that under normal circumstances you might've never have said
Not only that, but being drunk also didn't take what you said or did into any consideration
Even if it meant you said something that you didn't necessarily mean
At least that's what I had convinced myself of in the last hour
''I love you Em'' is what Finn had said
And even if he had meant it.......
There was another con of being drunk
Hangovers
Hangovers were the absolute worst, not only did you feel shitty and look like death when you woke up, - there was a possibility you wouldn't be able to recall a lot of the night before, which could be problematic if say; you were told to remember some type of important information like a password or something of the sort
Although this time the con at hand worked in my favour
I was counting on it, maybe even praying that Finn would forget about what he had said.
Finn was up, I felt the bed move ever so slightly. I had always been a light sleeper; I heard him go into the bathroom and retch violently onto god knows what
I lay there frozen for a solid few moments, until Finn shuffled back into the room, and gathered his things; I watched him out of the corner of my eye
It didn't take a rocket scientist to know that he was planning on slipping out; it didn't seem like a bad idea, it also didn't sound like something I would've wanted to get up out of the embrace of the warm comforter for
I think I was still partially upset about the gun Finn had brought into my home
I had always known Finn was nothing like any guy at my school, in my home, or even the ones I came face to face with
I never minded of course, but sometimes I seemed to underestimate the level of intensity, which didn't seem like a problem, until something like this happened and I was thrown completely off guard, - which was why I let Finn walk out the door that night, even though my mind was racing and my heart was hammering in my chest
''I love you Em''
What did that mean exactly?
I've watched enough movies and read enough books to know that it was a supposed big deal.
In a relationship at least
But we weren't in one
It was more like a 'friends with benefits' type of thing
So this, what Finn had said- had crossed too many lines
I never asked for his love
I don't think I wanted it
Neither did I need it.
And what if he expected it from me?
If this were a rom-com usually what would happen next is that the girl who supposedly can't say 'it' even though she wants to, because she does love the other person, she can't bring herself to, because she has issues. And the rest of the movie/story would go on and basically be her trying to convince herself to say it back. She eventually does of course, and then they live happily ever after
But this wasn't a rom-com, and I could say it, I had no doubt, I just didn't want to
I had never lied to Finn; I didn't want to start now, Even if it was just three words, 8 letters.
Coming to think of it, I don't think mom or dad had ever said it to themselves, let alone me or Matt
Not in a weird obnoxious way, like an: 'oh my god my parents don't love me' type of thing
I'd say it was more platonic, something we never did, it never seemed important
In my personal experience saying 'I love you' didn't define your love for someone.
Some people said it all the time; to their friends and family not meaning it in an intense way
While others were more careful with their words, saying it only when they really undoubtedly meant it
I didn't know what Finn thought of the phrase, therefore I didn't know in which way he meant it.
My bedroom door opened again, heart beating fast; I shut my eyes tightly, like a kid whose mom just walked in when he was supposed to be sleeping
I knew it was Finn, no one else was up this time, and no one else would just step into my room without knocking
I figured Finn came back into my bedroom, realising that the doors were all locked and he didn't have a key to get out
Which meant in order for him to get out; he was probably going to wake me up
I was mentally preparing to act as frazzled and most importantly like someone who had just woken up, and not someone that's mind has been racing because a boy just told her he loved her
But wake me up did Finn not do
Instead I heard him open the window
This was not a movie; there was no fucking way he was going to slip out the window
I lived in a double story house, not those big mansion ones with 11 bedrooms and 18 bathrooms; it was more on the modest side- but that was beside the point, it was still high up from the ground
High enough that this could possibly lead to Finn's instant death
Not only would I get into trouble for letting a boy sleep over, I'd also get into trouble for killing someone
I didn't want to get up, because I didn't think I was ready to face Finn just yet
But now the situation was getting dire: It was either; get up and unlock the front door for him and face him, get it over with one time, or pretend to be asleep and let Finn fall to his death
I chose option one obviously
I'm not a psychopath
I sat up, and opened my eyes
Just in time to see Finn slip out of the window
My heart stopped
I clamped my mouth shut, afraid I might scream
Is he dead?
I walked over to the window slowly, afraid of what I might see
Low and behold I saw Finn crouched on the ground like a frog
Crazy son of a bitch
I smiled to myself and backed away from the window
Of course
Lying back on my bed I checked the time 4: 05
I turned to look at the dresser, remembering the gun
It sent a chill through my spine
I thought about what I'd say to Finn the next time I saw him
I'd demand answers
Why the fuck did he have a gun?
Or... why had he brought a gun to my house at 1 am in the morning when he was drunk as fuck?
Or even Frank, who was Frank?
I imagined the worst; after all, I knew nothing about Finn's life beside the few minor details, like: that he and his parents were not on the best of terms, he had frown-able taste in friends, trust issues and a record for being arrested on thanksgiving
Not judging, just saying
I knew the things he told me, which were facts, not really enough to build a story on, not really even enough to build a friendship on, let alone a relationship.
That night was the first of many nights that I fell asleep with thoughts of Finn on my mind