Aidan
About half an hour after Cara's water broke, I finally got her in the damn car. She insisted on making the bathroom spotless again, which I took care of while she showered because she also insisted on cleaning herself up before going to the hospital and presenting herself to our baby. Once we're in the car and I've triple-checked that we have everything, I pull out on the road heading in the direction of the hospital. Thankfully we're making good time as there's very little traffic.
Cara throws her head back and I can tell the contraction is peaking by the wail she lets out and the thin layer of sweat that's starting to break across her forehead as she struggles to get control of her breathing. I take her hand and let her squeeze the hell out of it, holding out hope she doesn't break it.
"Cara, honey, breathe. Take a nice deep breath for me." She does.
"You did this to me, Aidan!" Cara says in a low, distressed voice from the passenger seat, her eyes fixed on the road with a look of controlled panic in them.
"I know honey." I answer, taking her hand and kissing it. "Sorry, not sorry."
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Cara
"Oh Godddd!"Â I scream through a ripping contraction.
"Whoa, honey, remember what they told us about screaming and how it's counterproductive to breathing through the -"
"Fuuuck!" Is what I say to that. Seriously, I'd like to see him go through what I have in just the two hours since we got to the hospital, starting with the not-so-bright registration lady who had me verify my first, middle and last names, my date of birth, my address, and middle school locker combination all while she could plainly see I was trying to get through a monumental contraction. Then being told the anesthesiologist was backed up and it would be a while before my epidural, while having another split-me-in-half contraction. This is after more stupid horrific contractions, all while feeling like a rhino is sitting on my chest, because seriously, it feels like I can't catch my breath.
Yeah... Let's see him go through all that without screaming.
The contraction ebbs and I suddenly feel bad for probably making him go partially def.
"I'm sorry." I pant. "That one was seriously horrible."
"I know, baby." he says in a quiet, soothing voice as I drop my forehead to his from where I sit on the edge of the bed. "But you're doing so so good, baby. I'm so proud of you." He's in a chair by the bed, facing me, running his hands softly up and down my thighs. I'm hooked up to a monitor that tracks my contractions, and while I deliberately have my back to it, Aidan is watching it so that he can prepare me for when another one comes.
"I dont think I. . . can't... I can't take another one." I say miserably, shaking my head as I continue to pant out my words. "I'm going to die. The pain's going to fucking kill me." I whimper.
"That's what you said about the last one, and you kicked its ass." he calmly reminds me.
"I mean it this time." I wail, still trying to catch my damn breath.
He looks over my shoulder and back to me again.
"Okay, another one's coming and this one is not as bad as the last one. Give me your hands. We're going to breathe through this together..."
We go on like this for the next hour, with me wanting to give up with each contraction and Aidan calmly not letting me. He coaches me through each one, staying completely in tune with me. He's the glue holding me together.
After the nurse informs me I'm dilated to eight, she thankfully follows it up with news that the anesthesiologist will be in in ten minutes. Thank God and everything that is holy. Too bad that in this moment, while my body is being absolutely racked with contractions, ten minutes feels like ten years.
I scream again for the umpteenth time, as another contraction takes over and I try like hell to breathe through it, but they've gotten so intense and frequent that I can't seem to catch my breath before another one starts. My breathing is desperate and rapid and I feel like I can't get enough air in my lungs to follow the techniques Aidan is trying to coach me through.
"Do you want to try a different position? Do you want me to rub your back?"
"No, I'm comfortable like this."
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"How are you feeling gorgeous?" I ask after the epidural guy leaves, reaching for her hand. We're completely alone again while the doctor and nurses monitor Cara's and the baby's vitals from the nurse's station.
"A hundred times better."
"That's good honey, I'm glad." We take a few moments of contented silence, just her and me, our only light coming from the hallway. I'm so amazed by Cara and so proud of her. We share a few laughs, and she continues to breathe through her contractions that she can still feel the pressure from, but aren't hurting her anymore.
I'm leaning down and kissing Cara, her delicate hands on my face, when Dr. Whitman and a nurse walk in. Just as I thought, there wasn't much time left before we get to meet our little girl.
"Okay guys!" the doctor says with a casual smile. "It's time to have a baby." She snaps on some gloves as the nurse puts the head of Cara's bed up. She spends the next thirty minutes pushing like a pro as I hold her hand and whisper how amazing she is in her ear.
And before we know it, the sound of a screaming banshee fills the room as the doctor places Daisy Wild Powell on Cara's chest.
We wanted her to be as soft as a daisy, but to keep her wildness side in her heart. Plus, her mother read the Calloway Sisters series and she pretty much fell in love with Daisy Calloway. With Rick too, but let's not talk about that obsession right now.
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I wake up to a subtle, unfamiliar sound. As I blink my eyes open, I realize its morning as the soft welcoming sunlight streams into the room. My entire body is stiff as fuck from sleeping in the recliner next to Cara's bed, and I start to work my neck and shoulders around to ease it.
The noise that initially woke me starts up again and draws my attention over to the bassinet on the other side of the bed from me. I can't see the baby from here, but I see a glimpse of jerky movements accompanying the tiny squawky noises she's making.
I look over at Cara who looks fucking dead to the entire world, fast asleep on her side, breathing deep and steady. After the shit show she went through last night, I'm happy to let her sleep and recover for a while.
I climb out of the chair and walk over to the bassinet, trying not to make my moves too abrupt. I still don't know much about babies, but my instincts tell me they probably startle easily. On the foot of the bassinet she's laying in is a pink card with her wrinkly footprints on it, as well as her name, that she was born at 3:41 AM on July 6th, and weighs 6lbs, 11oz.
I lean over with my arms resting on either side of the plastic edges of the bassinet. I gaze down at the tiny, wrinkly little thing, fussing and squirming in her blanket. With Cara asleep just feet away, it's just her and me right now. When she was born last night and I got to hold her that first time, of course I fell in love with her. I immediately loved my daughter even though she was screaming her face off. Hell, I already loved her when she was still inside Cara. But right now, something different is happening. Last night was monumental, but chaotic. Right now, things are slower and calmer, and I feel like I'm really seeing her. As those cloudy little eyes of hers open, she sees me too... and something clicks. My heart bursts open, surrounding the two of us with a light that matches the morning sun streaming through the windows. I continue to stare in wonder at her as her eyes seem to be trying to take me in without really focusing.
"Hi princess Daisy." The word formulates in my mind and just comes out of my mouth without my permission. I keep staring down at her, taking in every little crease in her face, every downy black hair on her head and every blink of her searching eyes. All of it makes my heart pulse with warmth that spreads through my entire body. When I notice her fingers flexing over the edge of her blanket, I reach in without thinking and offer her one of mine. All of her tiny digits grip tightly onto my forefinger without making it all the way around, and for the second time in my life, I'm fucking done for.
Her fussing has ceased, and she continues to blink up at me, trying to bring me into focus. I stare back down at her, just trying to absorb this new part of my life into my soul, unable to formulate any more words.
There's a gentle knock at the door and I look up to see a friendly nurse in brightly colored scrubs with baby animals all over them walk through.
"Hi." she greets in a gentle whisper, so that she doesn't wake my other princess. "I just need to get a set of vitals on little Daisy." Even though she's right here, holding onto my finger, the nurse saying my daughter's name out loud seems to make her even more real.
I move around to make room for the nurse but don't take my finger away from Daisy as she takes out her stethoscope and listens to her heart, followed by pulling the blanket down to put a thermometer under her arm.
"Her body temperature is just a little low." she informs me, but her optimistic smile tells me this isn't something to panic about, so I nod, cuing her to continue. "What we like to do for that is skin-to-skin therapy. What do you say we let mom keep sleeping and you can do it for her?" she suggests, nodding her head to the out-cold Cara.
"Sure." I say cautiously. "How does it work?"
"You're just going to cuddle her with her bare skin against yours. Why don't you have a seat back in the recliner, open your shirt and I'll hand her to you?" She nods toward the recliner as she delicately gathers Daisy up.
"Okay." I say, nervously drawing the word out as I make my way over to the chair and sit back while unbuttoning my shirt all the way down and opening it over my chest. The nurse peels the blanket away from Daisy and lowers her into my arms.
"Here you go Daddy." she says with a quiet enthusiasm as I bring my baby in against my chest and the nurse puts the blanket back over the top of her before quietly leaving the room.
"Okay." I say again in a nervous whisper. "We got this, right?" I say tenderly as I look down at Daisy, whose eyes seemed to have widened in wonder as she looks back up at me, making me feel so much love in my chest it hurts. I can tell she still can't focus on me, which is fine. She's trying. "I'm right here, princess." I assure her as I offer her my finger again and she holds on as if she's truly drawing security from it. "Daddy's right here." I reaffirm. And with those words, she squishes her little body up against me, continues to grip my finger, and slowly closes her eyes. I lay my head back and start to fucking cry. One single manly tear makes its way out of the corner of my eye and rolls down the side of my face.
Who the fuck am I kidding... I'm a mess for this baby girl in my arms. Her mommy too.