Cara
My heavy eyelids open to reveal the most beautiful sight of Aidan, looking dotingly down on our baby girl that he has cuddled against his bare chest, sound asleep. He glances up and looks pleasantly surprised when he sees I'm awake. His eyes go back down to Daisy as he carefully rises from the recliner and makes his way over to me. I scooch over, making room for him to sit next to me. I rest my head on his shoulder, and reach over to gently tickle Daisy's cheek with my fingertip.
In awe, I just quietly take her in. Everything was so chaotic when she was born, talk about stimuli overload. With no one else in the room and with her peacefully sleeping, everything has slowed down enough that I can really pay attention to every little detail.
We have a baby now.
We're a family.
I'm a mommy.
And Aidan is a daddy.
All these simple thoughts cycle through my head, each one giving me a moment to absorb its meaning.
"I can't believe how long she's been sleeping." I muse out loud. "I wasn't expecting it with how she was screaming her lungs out last night." We both chuckle. Maybe she was just pissed that we woke her up to come out.
"She's such a good little baby." I marvel out loud in a soft voice as I stroke my fingers down the black hair at the back of her head. After a moment I feel Aidan's eyes on me and I tilt my head to look up at him. "What?" I ask.
'Nothing... you look the way you did the first time we saw the ultrasound. I fell in love with you both that day."
I don't have words. I just stare in wonder at him and hope that he can see in my eyes how much I love him too, before leaning up to kiss him while he holds our daughter.
About a half hour later, there's a knock on the door before Jake walks through with Ella in tow, who's face crumples with emotion when she takes in the three of us.
A little while later, as Ella sits next to me on the bed cradling my baby, I ask: "When are you going to join me? We have to have kids close in age so they can grow up together."
She raises an eyebrow and smirks as she looks back down at the baby.
"All in good time." is the lame-ass response I get from her. She shrugs and looks up. "I don't know. We've talked about it a little here and there. He's said he wants me all to himself a while longer, and I kind of feel the same way."
"I'm not so sure about that."
"Why?"
"Because of the way he's looking at you holding my baby." I point out with a head nod over to where Jake sits with Aidan a few feet away. He's shamelessly staring at Ella with stars in his eyes. He gives her a wink that sends a glow to her cheeks and she immediately looks back down at Daisy like she's trying to convince me it's from the baby. Yeah... it won't be long.
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For the first three days, everything is okay. Better than okay.
There are hard parts, of course. I have to figure out nursing, and it doesn't come naturally to either Daisy or me. A lactation consultant comes in, and after an hour of arranging and rearranging Zara's little face against my big swollen boob, we finally achieve a "latch" that she approves of. When she nurses, I study the curve of her face with wonder.
When we take her home from the hospital, she cries in the car seat, and exhausted, I weep a little, too, not sure if she's okay or hurting, or if she'll ever be able to ride in the car without crying.
Then comes the fourth day.
On the fourth day, for reasons known only to Daisy and God, she wakes up and wants to nurse loads more.
Aidan keeps burping and changing her and trying to rock her to sleep, but she fusses and cries and he has to bring her back to me again.
My nipples are sore and I'm exhausted, because last night wasn't great, either.
We run out of wipes. We both thought there were more packs somewhere, but we can't find them anywhere. Aidan has to go to the grocery store to get them. While he's gone, I nurse Daisy until she's in a milk coma, and she conks out against my breast. I breathe a deep sigh of relief and drift into sleep myself, baby in arms.
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Aidan
Cara nurses and nurses but Daisy won't stop fussing. Cara's nipples are red and chafed. I bring her scrambled eggs with bacon and a tumbler of water. I change and bathe and rock Daisy, and I coax a little sleep out of her, but then she's up again, mouth open, fussing.
Cara dutifully nurses again, but after a while, tears start streaming down Cara's face, and then she's crying, her shoulders heaving.
"Don't cry, you're doing great, baby." I say, but that makes her cry more.
She doesn't seem fine right now, however. She seems anything but fine.
"Cara?" I ask. "Unless you tell me flat out you don't want me to? I'm calling my mom, Ella and my sister."
She closes her eyes. I take it as a yes.
I grab my phone and send an SOS text.
I need reinforcements. Asap.
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Cara
"Shhh." someone says. "You're going to be all right."
The same someone takes Daisy from me. Ella. She lays her down on a blanket on the floor, swaddles her with a few expert twists, and scoops her up again. A moment later she sweeps her out of the room, trailing a loud "shushing" sound behind her.
"What's she doing?"
"Don't worry about that." someone else says. Florence. "Drink this."
I take the cup of hot tea and obediently sip it.
"It has fennel and fenugreek in it. It'll help with your milk."
Sarah sits on one side of me, Florence on the other. They each put a hand on my arm. Just that. No words.
After a moment or two, Sarah takes my tea and hands me my abandoned nursing bra, and I realize I'm naked from the waist up. My boyfriend's sister and his mother are here and I'm not wearing clothes.
And I didn't even notice.
I slip into the bra and sip the tea. I can hear Daisy fussing intermittently in the other room. Every time she does, my milk lets down.
The fussing subsides more and more, and then there's only the sound of shushing. But my tears won't stop falling. I'm so tired.
And I'm so bad at this.
"Where's Aidan?" I finally ask. I'm not sure how much time has passed since they arrived.
"I sent him on an errand. Ella rented a hospital grade pump for you. We'll show you how to use it. So you can start pumping once or twice a day and he can give her some bottles. You have no idea how much that'll help. I sent Aidan to pick it up."
"That'sâthank you."
The idea of not having to feed her absolutely every time she cries? Makes me feel like weeping again, with relief.
Ella comes back into view, Daisy slumped against her shoulder.
"Asleep?" I ask.
"Asleep." she affirms.
I burst into tears all over again. "I couldn't calm her down."
"It's because you're the milk." Sarah says. "Sometimes someone else has to do it."
"I couldn't make her happy."
"Shhh." Florence says. "You're okay. You need to drink the tea and then you need to nap while we hold Daisy."
'I can't." I wail. "I can't nap. She'll wake up and need to be fed and I'm the only oneâ"
"You can nap. She'll be fine for a little while. I think she finally got enough." Ella says.
I don't know what I'll do without them. Without my family.