Kang kept his arm interlocked with his. "I'm not a little kid." Ijin said quietly, pouting that the soldier had yet to let go of his arm. Kang laughed, a firm grip on his elbow as they walked together. They were walking with their elbows interlocked, their pace just faster than a slow walk. Even though Ijin knew that Kang would reject the idea, he almost wanted to suggest walking faster.
Ijin decided to ignore the way his knee buckled, along with the way Kang had to pull him back up so he could get his feet back under him. They didn't mention it and Kang only patted his hand as if to say, 'There there, it's okay'.
He didn't think it was okay, Ijin thought it was more annoying than anything, but he did have to admit that maybe it was a good thing that they were walking so slow after all.
If anything, their slow pace allowed Ijin to enjoy the weather. Ijin had missed the feeling of nature on his skin. The sun felt good, and so did the wind. It was the first walk since his hospitalization, and he missed being outside. They were just walking but after his surgery and everything, that was more than enough to get that light burn in his muscles that he had craved.
Cars and people passed by as they walked down the sidewalk, everyone going on with their lives in their own way. Every time they passed someone on the sidewalk, Ijin's eyes lingered on them, only stopping once they were out of sight, or when Kang nudged him to quit, which was quite often.
In his defense, Ijin wasn't comfortable being out in public in his state and he was only tolerating it because Kang was there. He wouldn't be able to move quickly if need be, but Ijin knew that Kang would help him in that event.
Kang sighed when they walked out from the shade, reveling in the sun and the warmth it brought, "The sun feels so good." Ijin agreed. It felt good to be outside again.
He didn't get to enjoy it for long before the guilt returned. The guilt loomed over him, draping itself over his shoulder in a way that he couldn't ignore it even if he wanted to. Ijin wanted to shake it off, and he knew what he had to do to shake off that guilt, but he didn't want to.
Ijin knew his name. He knew that his name was Yu Ijin. He remembered it soon after waking up in the hospital. He remembered his name, the exact thing that Kang needed to reunite him with his family, the same thing that Kang had been looking for since they first met. He knew it.
Yet, he didn't want to tell Kang.
He didn't want to tell Kang that he remembered his name, that his name was Ijin and the guilt had been eating him alive. Ijin knew that he was actively sabotaging Kang by withholding the information. He could make all the excuses he wanted, Ijin knew what he was doing, and he knew that what he was doing was wrong.
But Ijin did not want to tell him. Not until he knew for a fact what would happen if he did. Which brought him to his current problem.
He needed to ask.
Quietly, Ijin glanced over at Kang, who turned his head to look up and down the road before he tugged Ijin along to cross the street. He almost wished that they weren't standing so close together, just to keep some type of distance between the two of them so it would be easier to hide his nerves. But at the same time, Ijin was so grateful that Kang was so patient with him and so willing to help him move and recover by holding him like that.
He must have been staring for too long. "What's up?" Kang asked, a small smile on his face before he redirected his attention to in front of them, leading the two of them around a puddle that was washing away a chalk drawing.
He hadn't been intending to ask but the opportunity was given to him, and he was going to take it, "If you do find my family, what happens then?" It was a genuine question. All Kang had told him about finding his family was that he still had a living family and that they needed to know that he hadn't died in the plane crash with his parents. But that was all Ijin knew and each time he remembered to ask Kang for further clarification, he would forget by the time the chance to ask came up. Ijin still wasn't sure if he wanted to know the answer, and was uncomfortable with the possibility of it being a bad answer. But at the same time, he was fine with uncomfortable situations as he had grown up in them.
Kang blinked in surprise before he looked forward again, his grip on Ijin's arm tightening some. "Well, we get a DNA test to prove that they're your family. Then it's a bunch of paperwork to bring you back to life legally and even more for me to give up my guardianship over you. Then you just go with them and yeah that's it." Kang said it like it was nothing, as if it was normal for him to be given to strangers.
Ijin's chest tightened at the thought of going with strangers because why would he go with them? Why would he go with a family he didn't even know? He trusted Kang and never had he ever trusted an adult like he did Kang. Sure, he trusted the Numbered, most of them were adults or near adults when he left, but it was different. Ijin knew that the Numbered were dependable, that they could watch his back, but that was it.
Kang was someone he could go to for guidance and advice, not just for protection and a sense of security. Ijin knew that Kang would and could handle everything for him regarding his well-being, even if Ijin thought it was unnecessary, and his family. So, it didn't make sense, "Why would I go with them?" He didn't want to go with a bunch of strangers if he had the choice to stay with Kang. It was a no-brainer for him, Kang knew him, and he knew Kang, he trusted Kang to watch his back. He knew that Kang would do almost anything to help him, that much was apparent by the last three months. So why would he go with strangers?
Neither of them looked at each other. "Because you still have your real family to stay with." Something inside of him twisted in pain when Kang said, 'real family' and it was stupid, he knew it was stupid, but Ijin couldn't help but feel betrayed by his words.
Major Kang was his family. The Kangs were his family. The Numbered, there was always a mutual respect for each other, along with some type of understanding that they wouldn't kill each other and while Ijin would consider them to be family, he wouldn't quite put them in the same category as the Kang's.
Kang told him that family was something that he would care about, something that he wanted to protect, and after living with Kang and his family for the past few months, he could say with full certainty that he cared for the Kangs. Ijin thought they were family.
It hurt to hear that Kang didn't think he was family.
His throat was suddenly bone dry. "My real family...?" Ijin asked slowly and within seconds, he knew that he shouldn't have asked. That he shouldn't have hoped that Kang would correct himself.
Kang nodded as he pressed the crosswalk button. "Yeah, your biological family kid." Pursing his lips, it took everything he had to contain the hurt he felt. Not that he wanted the man to notice, but Kang continued without knowing the impact his words were having, "Besides, the legal system won't let you stay with us if you have living family. It would be a lot of legal battles and paperwork if we tried to keep you with us. We would probably have to hire a lawyer and everything. It would be a big mess." Kang muttered to himself.
He could feel a knot forming in his throat. Did that mean Kang would only let him stay with him if his biological family was never found?
Kang continued, "But if I can't find your family, then you get to stay with us. I'm already your guardian, I have custody of you and without any family members to argue, no one can take it away." It hurt, but he asked and he got his answer. Kang saying that confirmed his thoughts that Ijin would only stay with Kang if his biological family was never found.
"I see..." It was exactly what he needed to make up his mind. Kang just hummed, the two of them lapsing into silence once more. The only thing that could be heard was the world moving around them, their feet hitting the pavement, and their breathing.
It was really a no-brainer for him. Ijin didn't even have to think about it, and he made up his mind within seconds.
Ijin wouldn't ever tell them that he remembered his name and that was that. He was in Kang's custody. That meant that the Korean government had no claim on him and it also meant that no one but Kang had the authority to dictate what he did and when he did. Kang was his guardian and he wanted it to stay that way.
Granted, he would still listen to Han-jae, Ah-in, and Tae-hyung, but just hearing that the government couldn't take him away from Kang made him feel better, his stay with the Kang family more permanent. It also solidified his intent to keep his name to himself.
Most of the guilt that had been looming over him dispersed. It was selfish and Ijin knew that it was selfish of him to make that decision for Kang. But after deserting the camp, leaving his men behind to deal with the camp and their handlers by themselves, leaving 002 and 003 to handle the aftermath.
Ijin had no problem being selfish one more time.
They continued to walk in silence, only turning back after Ijin's knee buckled a second time. Ijin could tell that Kang was worried about him overexerting himself, but other than Kang adjusting so he could have a stronger grip on Ijin's arm, Kang didn't mention it.
He decided to ask a few more questions. He already decided that his name was going to remain a secret, but it was a good chance to keep on getting answers. "You said that you're my guardian now, what does that mean?" Kang's earlier explanation in the hospital wasn't enough. He knew that Kang was his spokesman for his visa, but he had no idea what the difference was between a spokesman and a guardian.
Kang paused and then mulled over the question for a few seconds. "So, you know how parents have the right to boss around their kids? Decide what they do and stuff like that?" He nodded, and the soldier continued. Ijin's knee buckled a third time.
That time, Kang stopped walking to give Ijin a questioning look, silently asking if he needed help or not. When Ijin shook his head, they started walking again. Not without Kang letting go of Ijin's elbow to grip his upper arm.
A shiver went down his spine. The only time people grabbed him by his arm like that was when he was a young child in the Camp, when they wanted to drag and throw him around. He knew that Kang was grabbing him like that so he could better support him if his knee buckled again, but he still didn't like it.
He pushed at Kang's hand and thankfully, Kang noticed his discomfort, only taking the time to ruffle his hair before he changed his grip, grabbing Ijin's right shoulder while also pulling him into his side. It wasn't as comfortable, but it would be easier for Kang to support him if his knee buckled again.
Kang continued with his explanation. "A guardian has the same power as a parent, over a kid who is not biologically theirs or doesn't have parents. The government decided that I was trustworthy enough to take care of you." It soothed something inside of him to hear that.
Ijin had to smother the happiness he felt knowing that Kang was his caretaker so he could keep on asking questions. "Was that why you got in trouble at the hospital? Because you weren't my guardian?" Both the police officer and the nurse had mentioned Kang getting in trouble, likewise, they had also mentioned Kang raising hell.
Kang hummed as he nodded. "Kinda. Dad did something to get your paperwork expedited, but we still weren't allowed to see you until I was your guardian. But by then, they already thought I was the one who gave you those scars." That...didn't make as much sense.
"Why didn't they let you see me?" Even if Kang wasn't his guardian, wasn't the fact that Kang had been taking care of him for the past year and a half enough? Just the fact that Kang took him into his own home spoke magnitudes about Kang's character. A bad person wouldn't have taken in a teenager free of charge and it was obvious that Kang was not a bad person.
His knee buckled. Again. It was worse than the third time. That time, Kang actually had to haul Ijin back onto his feet and hold him there so he could have time to get his knee working again.
Kang gave him a firm look and stopped them in their tracks. That time, it was evident that Kang was not going to let Ijin get away with shrugging it off again. It was annoying because they were just a few blocks away from home so he would be able to make it. As for the question of Ijin being able to make it without his knee buckling for a fifth time, that was another matter. The fact that Ijin refused to admit that he had overexerted himself really didn't help either.
The tone in Kang's voice made Ijin realize that it was best to not argue and to just listen. "Either I carry you on my back, or in my arms like I did last time." Kang sounded very determined to carry him and Ijin knew that he was not going to get out of it that time around.
"I'll get on your back," Ijin mumbled. He didn't want to be carried, but he knew that Kang would just swoop him up into his arms if he really wanted to. Ijin still wasn't at one hundred percent, so the chances of him losing a physical exchange with Kang were rather high. At least on Kang's back, it wouldn't be as embarrassing.
Kang nodded in approval and once Ijin was on his back, his arms loosely wrapped around Kang's neck, they were moving again. "To answer your question, its policy. I didn't have any paperwork proving I was someone they could trust. For all they knew, I was just a stranger who wanted to take advantage of you. If you were an adult, then it wouldn't have been that much of a problem, but since you were admitted to pediatrics, they have more regulations for visitors." He called back to Ijin, taking the time to bounce Ijin higher onto his back to get a better grip on his legs.
After that, it made more sense. Adults were usually more protective of children, so it made sense that an official place such as a hospital would also have more regulations for minors.
Kang turned onto their street, and Ijin couldn't help but duck his head when he saw that there were more people there. It didn't help that they were catching their attention, though it was usually a passing glance or a glance that lingered a bit too long. Not that it made it any less embarrassing.
"That reminds me," Kang chuckled when he felt the way Ijin was ducking his head down, "Now that I'm your guardian. I have to enroll you into school."
Ijin frowned at the news. "I have to go to school?" That was news to him. When he was in the Camp, he had heard of some of the other trainees talking about going to school, along with talking about the few schools in the area, but he never heard that it was required.
Was it normal for school to be required? Or was it just a concept that was unique to Korea?
Kang nodded. "It's required for all students to go to school. I can actually get in trouble if I don't enroll you." Ijin raised his eyebrow. Why would Kang get in trouble? For school of all things? School?
Kang noticed his silence and glanced over his shoulders. "It would fall under child negligence if I didn't enroll you." he added upon seeing his look.
At last, they were home and Kang took them inside of the house. It wasn't until they were in the entranceway that Kang set him down, though that was just long enough for them to take off their shoes.
He didn't even bother fighting it as Kang swooped him up into his arms and deposited him in the living room. It was quick, and at least there was no one around to see it.
"So, child abuse?" what was up with Korea thinking that everything was child abuse? He understood how beating a kid is child abuse, but not taking a kid to school counted as well?
"Pretty much." Ijin huffed, nearly rolling his eyes. He understood why the hospital thought Kang abused him, he did have a lot of scars after all, but he didn't understand why not going to school fell into the same category. It was dumb if they asked him.
"Yeah yeah I know." Kang heaved out. "But that gives us another problem." With that, Ijin watched as Kang tapped on the nearby pile of books that sat on the coffee table. Ijin wondered if Kang had planned to sit him down in the living room the entire time.
All of the books were at least two inches thick. "Here in Korea, you need to take a test to be accepted into schools. And since you haven't been to school since elementary, you're going to have to study."
Ijin stared blankly at the textbooks. He thought they were Han-jae's books, they had said that he reads a lot after all, and they were all huge. There had to be at least six of them in the pile, and to be frank, Ijin had no idea how he was going to manage it.
For a brief second, Ijin toyed with the idea of saying no. But then that would get Kang in trouble, and he didn't want that. "How much time do I have?" It was going to be a pain in the ass, but he could do it, as long as he had enough time.
He got a bad feeling when Kang laughed nervously. "Uh. Three months. Wait wait-" Kang quickly said when he saw the look on his face, "You don't have to study the entire book. Just the concepts. Some of those books are for ten-year-olds. "Ijin was not happy hearing that. For ten-year-olds? Did Kang think he needed everything to be dumb-downed like that? "So, you'll be able to grasp the concepts easily. It's just important that we give you a good foundation so once you get to the harder concepts, it won't be that difficult for you to learn." Ijin was still staring blankly.
Dragging one of the books over, he was very much not amused to see just how vibrant the books were. It was painfully obvious that the books were meant for children. "This is for a little kid." Ijin said dryly, thoroughly not amused by the illustrations he was seeing as he flipped through the book. "I'm not a little kid."
"I'm not saying you are." Kang took the book for himself, closing it so he could show Ijin the cover. "What I'm saying is that it takes ten-year-olds the entire school year to understand what's in here. But you're not ten, you're sixteen, so it won't take you nearly as long to go through it."
That didn't change the fact that it was going to be a pain in the ass. He was going to have to start on the content he left off on, which was when he was nine years old, and then work his way up. That meant the content would get harder and harder the more he caught up.
Ijin huffed. He was meant for fighting, planning, tactical missions, and executions of plans. He was not meant for academia, not at all. But, if it meant keeping Kang out of trouble, then he would do it.
"Does it matter if I get a good grade?" He needed to know how important it was so he could put in the right amount of effort.
Kang nodded. "You don't have to get the highest score, but a higher one would be better. If you get too low of a score, then the only schools that would accept you would be the ones that have delinquents." Ah, so that meant that he would be more likely to run into trouble at a school that accepted low scores.
But at the same time, Ijin knew that he could handle himself. Delinquents wouldn't be that much of a problem, they would be a pain in the ass more than anything.
"I know you can handle yourself. But we would all prefer it if you didn't get into fights at school. You'll get in more trouble for beating the guys who picked the fight." Ijin huffed again. Kang knew him too well.
Though Kang did get his point across. Study and get a good score so he could go to a good school where he would run into little to no trouble. The ideal situation for everyone, even Ijin had to admit that.
Ijin dragged the rest of the books over to him, "Who's going to teach me?" And when were they going to start because the sooner they started, the better. He would rather get everything over and done with instead of trying to do everything at the last second.
Kang smiled, looking relieved that Ijin had agreed without too much of a problem. "Me and Han-jae will. Do you want to start today?" Ijin let his face fall flat, letting Kang know that he was less than amused at the thought, earning a chuckle. "We can just skim over it today, so you can get an idea of what we're doing. Then we can get you some real food right after."
...Alright Ijin did have to admit the thought of real food after days of a liquid diet sounded great, he knew what Kang was doing. He knew that Kang was just bribing him with food so he could agree with little to no argument.
That being said, Ijin just sighed as he opened the children's textbook again. "Food won't work all the time."
The soldier laughed. "I know that. But I know how much of a foodie you are and I know how sick you are of broth and juice." Yeah, well Kang was lucky that he was right and that Ijin really was sick of having a liquid diet.
Ijin looked through the textbook, skimming over everything and the math seemed to be simple enough, basic math that the others had taught him while he was in the Camp.
"What's school like?" Kang blinked at the sudden question, before he leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms as he did so. A clear sign that the soldier needed a minute to think. Ijin started to wonder if it was a heavier question than he meant it to be.
Kang took a deep breath, "Well. I thought it was fun." Kang said lightly, his lips twisting into a wry grin. "Han on the other hand, he was a complete nerd and wanted the best grade possible, so he studied way more than me. But it paid off. He went to college and is working as a researcher, he isn't risking his life like I am."
Wait, did that mean he was going to have to study a lot?
"Going to school is a good chance for you to figure out what you want to do." Kang added on, he had noticed the way Ijin had looked at the textbooks. "You don't have to go to college if you don't want to. But this is when you can start getting an idea of what you want to do. You can learn a trade, something with your hands. Or if you do go to college, you can even become a translator because you learned the Grianian language. There's a lot you can do, but you need a high school diploma to start most of them." He slowly nodded. Alright, so he needed a diploma if he wanted to have a source of income when he was older.
Ijin slowly looked over at the pile of textbooks. The spines announced that they were science, math, and English books. He just needed to get through those books and more for him to be able to get that diploma...
"I'll get you a kimbap."
"Yes sir." Good enough for him.
"But back to your question," Kang said as he dragged over a textbook for himself, lazily flipping through it, "school is fun most of the time. Exam time wasn't, but making new friends and hanging out with them was. Me and my friends used to hang out at convenience stores and gaming café's. Stuff like that." Oh okay. That actually doesn't sound too different from what he was used to.
Sure, they didn't have convenience stores or a gaming caféâwhatever that wasâbut that's what he, 006 and 032 used to do. They just used to exist around each other, 006 was usually the one who talked, but otherwise, they preferred to be with each other.
Would it be accurate to say that the camp was somewhat similar to school? Both of them did have lessons and instructors. Though the camp probably had a significantly higher mortality rate than a civilian school would. Along with hazing, murder, assault...
Maybe they weren't so similar after all...
"And," Kang said as he leaned forward, a bright smile on his face, "you can make friends that are your age."
Ijin hoped that his flat look showed Kang just how unamused he was.
Based on the way the soldier laughed, it worked. "Come on buddy, make a few friends! Get out there, and experience the shenanigans that friends get you into! As long as you don't get into legal trouble with them." Kang quickly added on, laughing nervously as he probably thought of something from his past. "At the very least, it will be more fun than being by yourself for most of the day."
"I'm used to being alone." That wasn't a big deal to him and it was something he could easily manage.
"Then it sounds like it's time to break the trend." He huffed. Kang really wasn't going to let it go. Kang noticed the way Ijin was getting annoyed. "Listen, buddy. I'm not saying you have to become best friends, share your darkest secrets type of thing." His voice was gentle, a small smile on his face, "but I do want you to be open to making a few friends. Having friends makes things easier, and more fun. And I know, you're used to being alone," He cut in when he saw the way Ijin frowned, "but I don't want you to be alone. Just be open to someone being friends with you, okay?" Kang's question hung in the air, and Ijin mulled over the idea for a few seconds.
The only requirement was that he was open to someone becoming friends with him. assuming anyone would approach him because people in the camp certainly didn't, but he could do that. He didn't have to make friends after all, he just had to be open to letting people try.
He sighed. "Yes sir." That was enough to earn a smile, Kang looked so relieved that Ijin had finally agreed.
"Thank you. Oh, but one more thing," Ijin raised his eyebrow and Kang took it as a sign to continue, "what do you think about going to a study program?"
"What's that?" It sounded like it had something to do with school, but he wasn't exactly sure.
He was right. "It's a program where a teacher can help you learn or get ahead on school work." The soldier flipped through the textbook lazily, his eyes lingering on a few of the pages, "Me and Han-jae can help until about high school because that's when things get too complex for our memory. You'll do it until you catch up for the exams. You won't have to go once you're going to school." That didn't sound too difficult. How long were they going to do it, six, or seven hours a day? Ijin used to do training and missions that were longer than that, so it shouldn't be too difficult.
He still needed more information, however. There was no way in hell he was going to go in lacking information. "What do they entail?" and what made it so different from him studying at home by himself?
Kang smiled in that way of his when he was relieved. "A teacher for a group of students where everyone studies." Ijin squinted at Kang.
That sounded awfully lot like school. The exact place where Kang wanted Ijin to try and make friends. "You want me to make friends, don't you?" he was probably going to be surrounded by people his age, and that meant that like the girl who gave him back Han-jae's shoe, Kang was probably going to want him to make friends.
Kang ducked his head as if he was a mischievous child that got caught. "...Well it would be nice if you did that," Kang admitted, snorting when he saw Ijin's flat look. "but most study programs will have you with a bunch of other students. Not unless you want a private tutor so it can be one on one?"
"What will be cheaper?" it was probably the class option. The Trainees and the Numbered only had a few superiors assigned to them because of manpower and financial aspects. Not to mention, it would be easier to go under the radar if he was in an entire class of people rather than one on one.
His question earned him a flat look, letting him know that Kang was not happy that he was worrying about money again. "Hey." Kang said firmly, "I told you, don't worry about the money. I make enough money to cover it, and you know my parents love you, they would pay for it if I couldn't." He huffed.
Well, he knew that. But that didn't mean he was going to let the Kang family waste money on him if he could help it. It was already enough that they were spending money on him, Ijin didn't want to ask for something that would cost even more.
"I'll go with what's cheaper."
The look that Kang had could be summed up in a few words: defeated, but not surprised. "Alright. Study program it is." Kang heaved out, only for him to harden his look. "But you're going to have to get over the money thing buddy. I'm not going to let you pay me back, and we're going to have to go shopping for uniforms once you're accepted into your high school. And yes, all of this is very necessary and it is not a waste." He stressed out, letting Ijin know that Kang believed that it was not a waste of money, nor was it unnecessary.
Ijin huffed. But he also knew when Kang was not going to budge so it was just better if he gave into Kang's decision. "Okay." Kang leaned back in his seat, pleased that he had gotten Ijin to agree with him.
In his opinion, his guardian sure could be stubborn when he wanted to
-------------------------------------------
Ijin had realized a few things over his recovery. One of them being that he could actually take his time to heal. It wasn't like the camp where the moment he could move, he had to be moving. There with the Kang family, he could take his time, he could be careful with his movements, and he didn't have to worry about trying to hide his pain.
Also, that recovery was much faster when one was allowed to rest. Ijin still remembered how it once took 004's simple leg wound that should have healed within two weeks took over a month. That was due to 004 ripping open the new skin every time they had to run a drill. Because of that, Ijin had expected his recovery to take close to three months minimum.
He was pleasantly surprised when he realized that that was not the case. Just two weeks into being back home with the others and Ijin felt much better. His knee stopped buckling when he and Kang went on those walks and recently, Kang let him have a short, easy jog on the way home. His energy was back on the rise, and so was his appetite, especially since he had been able to eat solid food again.
Something else he had realized was that school was hard. Learning and trying to memorize something that should have been learned over the years, within a few months, was hard. Math and science were alright, they had patterns that he was getting better at recognizing, while almost everything else was memorization, but it was still hard.
As the concepts got harder, and the more he struggled to learn them, the more his anxiety increased.
It was the same anxiety that had flooded his body every time the camp taught them something new because that meant that he had to learn it and learn it fast. That anxiety had saved his life, however, as it would spur him to practice over and over until he learned it. Until he was just as good as the others, if not better. It was a feeling that he had never tried to push away, because all it did was spur him to practice more, to get better, to be faster, to survive. It was anxiety that he was very familiar with, but he was still struggling with it.
The thing was, when he had that anxiety almost overwhelming him, the only thing that kept it at bay was physical exercise. That was the only thing that kept it from drowning him and it was the only thing that helped him keep it under wraps. Under control so his anxiety wouldn't affect his thinking or his productivity.
There? At the kitchen table, with nothing but wrong answers and textbooks surrounding him.
It felt like he could barely breathe. It filled his chest and made him want to run until he physically couldn't anymore. He would have gone running if he had been able to, but Ijin knew that he was more likely to get hurt than get rid of his anxiety.
It was stupid. He knew that it was stupid that he was getting so anxious over some ink on paper, but that wasn't enough to make his leg stop bouncing, to make him stop trying to get it right. He had to get it right, he needed to get it right if he wanted to get a good grade.
He needed to get it right.
He got it wrong, and he scratched out his answer, hard enough that he ripped the paper with the pen. It was just a dumb math problem that shouldn't have made him feel like that. He had done worse, he had seen worse, a math problem should have been able to make him feel like that. But it did, and Ijin hated it.
"Hey," The hand landing on his shoulder nearly made him jump out of his skin. Kang caught the hand that had been heading towards his neck. "Sorry," Kang said before Ijin could apologize for his mistake, "I didn't mean to scare you. It's okay." He added before Ijin could get anything out. "Why don't you take a break?" He tugged at Ijin's wrist, the same one that Kang had kept from striking his throat, to coax him to stand up. "It's late." It was late, it had to be at least midnight.
He leaned away from Kang, shaking his head as he did so. "I need to get this right first." The sooner he got it right, the faster he was done with it and the faster he could move on to the next thing. He still had the rest of the textbooks to get through, and they were going to get harder with time so he really-
Kang closed the textbook. "Let's do this in the morning, yeah? You've been studying all day and you can try this again with a fresh brain."
"I can get it now." He could get it, he just needed to figure it out. He could go to sleep after he figured it out.
"Nope," Kang kept on putting everything away and Ijin had to fight the urge to smack his hands away, to keep everything on the table so he could keep on going. "You've been doing this all day, and all you're doing is getting yourself frustrated. You can try again tomorrow." He piled everything into a neat pile, stacking his pens and pencils on top of the textbook and failed example problems. "Now. Go wash up and go to sleep. You've worked hard enough." No, he didn't. He hadn't worked nearly hard enough because he still couldn't grasp the concept. He could go to sleep once he understood it.
Kang was already walking away from the table to open up the hall closet, where they kept their bath towels, so he could grab one. Ijin already knew that Kang wasn't going to let him get out of it and sure, Ijin didn't want to listen.
But taking a shower did sound appealing. It would be a nice break, and Ijin had come to love the peace and quiet he got while in the shower. He especially liked the sensation of the water flowing over his head, the impact of the water against his skin, and the feeling of being clean.
However, at the same time, Ijin wanted to enjoy that without having his failure with his studies looming over him.
That didn't mean he rejected the towel Kang gave him. He would go and take a shower and then go to bed, only the moment Kang was asleep, he was going to get back up to try again. Technically he would be taking a break like Kang wanted, it just wouldn't be the long break that Kang wanted.
Ijin washed up and got ready for bed. Kang was already settled in bed, and for the first time, Ijin wished that they didn't share a room because that meant he couldn't just take everything into the room and study until he got it.
Despite his anxiety, Ijin couldn't help but sigh as he sat down on the bed. The kitchen chair had made his ass ache, and it felt good to sit on something that wasn't a hard surface. It felt even better to lie down after hours of sitting up, leaning over a table.
Kang ruffled his hair from across the bed. "Good job buddy. Goodnight."
He almost hated the way that Kang's simple action, just his hair being ruffled and the praise, was enough to make him feel better. Some of the anxiety went away and just like that, it was back to manageable levels, ones that he could ignore for the time being.
That didn't get rid of his need to get the concept right before he went to sleep, however. "Goodnight." He returned. Laying down with his back facing Kang, he willed his body to relax, to at least make it convincing that he was trying to go to sleep.
Last time he checked, it didn't take much for Kang to fall asleep, so as long as he made his body relax and slow his breathing, then it should work.
With all of the training he had, it was easy for Ijin to control his breathing. It was just a matter of finding a slower, calmer rate and then settling into that one. Then he just had to wait.
If there was something military men were good at, it was falling asleep quickly. Like he thought, it took about twenty minutes before Kang was snoring quietly behind him.
Ijin waited for a few more minutes before he started to get up. Kang had only started to snore louder in those few minutes but Ijin made sure that he kept his movements slow and controlled. The mattress made minimal noise as he stood up, and he made even less noise walking across the room. The thing that seemed to make the most noise was the sound of the latch of the doorknob pulling in and out of the doorframe.
Carefully, Ijin closed the door behind him, making sure that he slowly turned the doorknob into its neutral position rather than letting it go.
The latch quietly clicked against the frame.
The other side of the door was silent.
He resisted the urge to sigh out of relief. That was one obstacle down, he just needed to finish learning the concept, and then he could go back to sleep.
He pulled everything back out. He spread his papers out over the table again, before opening the textbook, where Kang had left his pencil in there to mark the page.
It was just a simple math word problem. He knew what equation he had to use, and he knew what constants he had to use, but for some reason, he was missing a single step. He was missing something that kept him from getting the answer right, he was missing just. One. Thing.
And yet, he just couldn't get it.
He kept on doing the math over and over again, without a calculator because he wasn't allowed to have one until he was in his higher math courses, but he kept on getting it wrong.
The breath of air he let out was more of a groan rather than a sigh. "The only thing I'm good for is fighting." Ijin muttered to himself, pulling another piece of paper towards him. After all of the training he got from the camp, that was the only thing he was good for. Fighting and leading, he wasn't meant for all of that academic stuff, his worth was in being a soldier more than anything.
The sound of a loud sigh made him whirl around in his chair. Ijin couldn't help but duck his head down when he was met with a disappointed stare. "Don't say that." Kang was standing by his doorway, a disappointed look on his face. Ijin couldn't tell if it was because of what he said, or if it was because he had stayed up to keep on studying. "I'm not mad." Kang quickly added on, making his way to the chair across from Ijin. "I just want to know why you're still studying even though I told you to go to sleep." Kang looked tired, freshly awake, and Ijin wished he hadn't made Kang get out of bed like that.
Kang eased the pencil out of his hand, barely realizing that he had been holding onto it tight enough to turn his knuckles white. "I'm not mad." Kang repeated, "I'm just worried. You usually don't do this. Is there something wrong? Are you worried about something?" His voice was sincere, and caring, like it always was.
"I just want to get this right." He just needed to get it right first, and then he would be able to go to sleep.
His brows knitted. Ijin wondered if Kang could tell that there was a deeper reason for his answer. "Do you want to get it right," Kang asked slowly," or do you need to get it right?" and just like that.
Kang hit it right on the head.
Ijin didn't say anything, neither confirming nor denying it, but his silence was loud, and it was enough for Kang to know.
"Does it make you antsy to get it wrong?" Kang asked, adding, "are you trying to get it right so you can learn? Or are you trying to get it right because it makes you nervous when you get it wrong?"
All Ijin could do was stare.
That was exactly how he felt. Getting the question wrong made him feel nervous and antsy, and it made him want to try until he got it right just so that he could settle his nerves. He just had to get it right for his own peace of mind.
"How did you know?" How did Kang know that that was exactly how he felt?
Kang shrugged a shoulder. "I just know how the human mind works. You said that you used to be punished for mistakes right?" Ijin nodded. He had been punished for mistakes, either formally or consequentially. Mad Dog punished him if he prioritized one of his men, and life punished him when he made a mistake. The combination of those two things had taught Ijin that he couldn't make a mistake for his own, and his men's sake.
"Well, our brains are good at picking up patterns. Like the smell of rain outside means it's going to rain soon, or that people frown when they're upset, that kind of stuff." He frowned, where was Kang going with that?
The soldier's face twisted for a second before he smoothed out his expression again. But Ijin could still tell that Kang was sad.
Kang looked so sad as he held onto Ijin's hand, "You were punished so often for your mistakes, your brain made a connection between failure and punishment." In the silence of the house, it was almost like Kang's voice was echoing in the room. "that's why getting this problem wrong is giving you so much anxiety because you subconsciously learned the pattern that mistakes earns punishments and now you're anticipating being punished."
Was that really it?
But...
Ijin knew that Kang wouldn't hurt him.
He knew that no one in the Kang family would hurt him. It didn't make sense that he was anticipating being punished when he was surrounded by people with whom he felt safe with. And it didn't make sense that he was feeling like that over a math problem of all things. It wasn't anything important like him killing all of his enemies, or making sure that all of his men survived. It was just a math problem.
It didn't make sense. "It's just a math problem." Maybe Kang was just overthinking it.
"It's a reflex." Kang dragged the textbook towards him and for a split second, Ijin thought Kang was going to try and put it away again. "It's something you can't consciously control, but you can change it over time." He underlined something in the textbook before pushing it back over. "We just have to work on it buddy. It'll take time, but eventually, you won't correlate a mistake with punishment anymore. Also, you need to convert meters to kilometers, that's why you keep on getting the wrong answer."
Ijin could barely concentrate on the problem, though he could tell that Kang was right, because really? Was it a reflex for him to fear a mistake?
It was just so...pathetic that he was scared of a mistake like that.
"That's dumb." It was so dumb, it was dumb that he was thinking like that, and he was dumb for thinking like that.
Kang snorted. "Our brains don't make a lot of sense sometimes, but it's okay. You just have to work on it, train your brain to stop thinking like that. Now," Kang motioned towards the textbook, "solve that problem so we can go to sleep. It's late."
"Yes sir." Ijin got to work solving it, mostly because Kang was sitting right there, clearly waiting for him to solve the question so they could go to sleep.
At last, after hours of trying to get it right, he finally got it right.
Kang really was right because it was like a weight was lifted off his chest. The anxiety that had filled him, urged him to move until he couldn't anymore, was gone. Just like that, solving that problem made him feel much much better.
He hated that a math problem made him anxious like that, and he hated it even more that getting the right answer had made him feel better.
"Better?" He nodded and that time, he felt nothing but relief when Kang started to put everything away. He was just relieved that he had finally gotten it right.
"You know," Kang had just finished stacking everything again when he said, "I think you're too young to think that the only thing you're good for is fighting. You still have the rest of your life ahead of you, and you have the potential to do whatever you want." He said that as if it was a comment on the weather, it was so casual, and Ijin could tell that Kang believed it wholeheartedly.
He was pulled into a hug, Kang resting his chin on the top of his head. "Don't say that about yourself. Alright?" Kang patted his back, comforting him for some reason.
Ijin didn't understand why Kang was comforting him, but that didn't stop him from returning the hug, taking comfort from the affection. Kang's chest rumbled with his voice. "You have so much potential. You just need time for it to really come out." A content sigh slipped out before he even realized it. Hugs were quickly becoming one of his favorite things.
"Okay." He still didn't know a lot about living in Korea, nor did he know a lot about living as a civilian, as a normal teenager. He still had a lot to learn about himself.
But at least he knew that he was safe with Kang.