Today was not a good pain day.
Touya had barely been able to sit up to take more of the stronger painkillers Tomura had hidden in their old shared room, and struggled to retrieve water to help keep himself hydrated in the intense heat stroke that had finally caught up to him.
His stomach was weak, his head was aching, and the fresher scars pulled and ached, reminding him of everything that had happened.
If he was a lesser man, he'd consider trying to score some harder drugs to ease the pain on the street. But after hearing Star's stories of her mom, of seeing how scarred the little girl was from seeing everything during her formative years, he'd sworn to himself, and to Star, that he would never touch that stuff again. Not while Star was around, and wanted to be with him.
And sure, she was gone, but no amount of pain could get him to risk not being able to get her back on the off chance an opening came about.
He needed to be sober, conscious and able.
He's limping down the stairs to try to see if he could scrape some weed from Spinner when Toga's suddenly latched to his side again, calling his birth name like she'd grown so fond of since discovering it.
He just groans in response, pausing and closing his eyes so he doesn't hurl right there on the spot. She picks up on this, thankfully and loosens her hold around his torso.
"Rough night?" She asks, genuine care in her voice.
"S' all catchin' up to me, is all." Touya replies dryly, trying to collect himself enough to move again. "Ain't feelin' too good."
"Aw, today?" Toga whines, pouting.
"Every day, lately." He responds, opening his eyes and looking down at her.
Her yellow eyes are glittering as much as ever as she looks up at him, her bottom lip poking out. He manages to flick it playfully and she giggles, correcting her expression and holding him a little firmer again.
"Wouldn't usually do this, doll, but couldya do me a favour?" Touya drawls, moving hair out of her face softly.
"What is it?" Toga replies eagerly.
"Go ask Spinner if he's got any smokes?" Touya replies. "Say I'm askin'. He'll know what I mean."
"Drugs." Toga nods. "Okay!"
Touya flinches as she lets go of him to skip off in the direction of the stairs. He'd almost forgotten the age difference between Star and her, and the difference in knowledge between them too.
He shrugs a little to himself, turning around and retreats back to Star's room, laying on the bed on his back and placing his arm over his eyes, shutting them to try and focus on not feeling so nauseous.
He'd have to change the sheets and try to air out the room before Star came back. He'd been struggling with cold sweats all day, and he doubted he'd be able to get back up to smoke outside the room if Spinner did have weed left.
He gets into a zone where he's so focused on ignoring the pain in his body that he doesn't even hear Toga enter the room until she's clambered onto the bed beside him, and he shifts his arm to look at her.
She shakes her head apologetically.
"He says he's out." She informs him. "Want me to get the good painkillers from your room again?"
Touya shakes his head, closing his eyes again. "Nah. Gone through 'em all."
There's a moment of silence. "You have? Is that safe?"
"M' alive, ain't I?" Touya replies a little snarkily.
"Okay. Sorry." Toga mumbles. "Love you."
Touya huffs.
There's another silence, and Toga nestles herself down onto his chest.
"Toga, I need to be alone." Touya says, but it lacks any demand or bite to it.
"But it's your birthday!" Toga replies in a whine.
"The fuck're you on about, brat?" Touya sighs. "My birthday ain't till the eighteenth."
"It is the eighteenth!" Toga defends, burying her face into his aching scars even further. "You can't be alone on your birthday."
Touya's heart sinks.
He hadn't even been aware that they were so far into January already, he'd been so hellbent on getting Star back, of causing as much damage as needed until he managed to get her back, that he'd completely lost any kind of awareness of the days as they passed.
He wasn't interested in any kind of a birthday without Star. She was the only one that could make a day that hadn't held any meaning for a while feel special again.
He doesn't say anything in response to Toga, willing himself to sleep so he can just get through the day. It'd be the worst birthday he'd had in years if he was conscious for it, so it'd be better if he just got the day over with in any way he could.
His nose is beginning to sting though, in the way it tended to whenever he needed to cry but his busted tear ducts refused to work. His body wanted to cry, but he wasn't sure if he even was or not thanks to the larger scarred patches on his face.
"Touya..." Toga whines softly, nuzzling even closer into his neck.
"Quit it." He sniffs. "Wanna be alone."
"Not allowed." She says firmly against his ruined skin.
"Toga..." He warns.
"Even if you wanna nap, I wanna be here for you! Even if you're grumpy, I'll hug you! Let us love you, Touya." Toga begs, sounding like she's going to cry herself.
"M' gonna bleed on you." He warns in a joking manner, trying not to show the true extent of his feelings.
"I don't care! I like blood!" She defends dramatically, her voice loud next to his ear.
He sniffs again, unable to stop himself from smirking. "Freak."
"Shut up. I can't be mean to you back on your birthday." She huffs, wrapping her arms around his neck too.
"I'm gonna try and sleep so stop runnin' your mouth." He continues to jibe.
"Go to sleep then. I'm staying." She replies firmly.
And then she does stop talking, staying as still as a stone next to him, her breathing soft against his neck and her arms wrapped around him carefully.
Annoyingly, her silent presence is comforting enough to help him get to sleep relatively quickly despite the pain. He lets himself drift off slowly, ready to embrace the escape of pain for a while.
*â¢*
When he wakes, his body's still stiff, but less achey. He no longer feels nauseous, and there's not a drop of sweat on his body.
And although his mouth is dry, his headache has gone from a nagging ache to a dull one at the back of his head.
He sits up slowly, expecting the weight of Toga to make it a lot harder to get up than it is. But there's no extra body weight, and no sight of the blonde, messy hair that gave Toga's presence away through his sleep-blurred vision.
He rubs his eyes carefully, trying to avoid aggravating the scarring underneath them, and looks around with a yawn.
No Toga. Must have slipped out while he was out for the count.
There is, however, a couple of presents at the foot of Star's bed. Delicately wrapped, with ribbon tied around them. A job done by Toga no doubt, if the pastel pink wrapping paper with rainbows patterning it was anything to go by.
He rolls his eyes, stretching out his scarring before sitting up properly. He rolls his shoulders, stretches his arms and drops his jaw open and closed a couple of times before reaching for the letter at the end of the bed.
'Happy birthday, man.
Hope you like the presents, we tried our best given the circumstances.
Spinner.'
'Happy birthday, Dabi.
We tried very hard to think of something you would like, and I helped Toga with the gift. Sorry if my handwriting is hard to read.
Thank you for everything.
Zero.'
'Happy birthday big bro!
Me and Zero worked really really hard on your present, so I hope you like it! We made it using Tomura and Star's clothes! (Don't get mad at me before you see it, please?)
If you don't like it, I'll keep it!
We'll all be downstairs waiting for you when you're ready.
Love you!
Himiko.'
Touya is, admittedly, a bit pissed off that Toga took clothing from Star and Tomura, and likely tore it apart somehow, but he tries to keep his temper and not lose it before he sees the gift like she asks.
He opens the smaller gift first, undoing the ribbon carefully so he can set it aside for Star when she's back. It was her favourite colour, so there was no way she wouldn't have wanted to keep it herself, and he may be able to use it to tie her hair up someday.
Wishful thinking? Maybe.
When he peels the paper away, he's met with the photo Tomura made Zero take of Star and him when she'd gotten dressed up in the yakuta for New Years Eve.
The sight of it and the strength of the memory associated with it makes him feel winded, his nose stinging and his scars twinging under his eyes again.
The frame is hand painted in a way that screams 'Giran', blue flames and little stars added to make it more personal.
Touya takes a deep breath, turning it over so it's face down, and clenches his jaw as he tries to collect himself enough to open the other present. He'd cried so much lately and it hurt.
He repeats the process with the other present, carefully removing the ribbon and peeling the paper away slowly.
He's met with the sight of a poorly-made teddy bear. It's eyes are wonky, and it's mouth is a little lop-sided too, but it's kind of cute despite that. Patches are made from clothing he's all too familiar with, the pink pyjamas with bunnies printed on them. He can't even be mad that they ruined them, because they didn't even fit Star anymore.
The black material covering the rest of it, however, could have been any item of Tomura's clothing and Touya wouldn't have been able to tell what it once was.
The more he peels the paper away, the more he exposes the teddy bear inside. And when it's fully released from it's paper confines, he holds it gently between his hands, biting his bottom lip hard enough to split the seam down the middle of it.
Blue ribbons, sewn poorly onto its chest into a flame shape. An attempt to match the teddies Star had with the star and the moon on their chests.
He runs his thumb over it softly, letting out a shaky breath.
He wants to hug it, to press his face as close as possible to it, but he doesn't trust that thanks to the lack of feeling on his face now that he's not crying blood again, and he does not want to ruin this precious thing that was made for him.
He just sits with it in his hands, staring at it with no expression for a while, his jaw clenching and unclenching.
He'd been vulnerable enough without even noticing for the others to notice that he was missing Star and Tomura. And they weren't mocking him for it, they were embracing it, and trying to find ways to help him through it.
The support is so foreign that Touya isn't really sure how to process it.
His guard has been built so high for so long that he wasn't even sure he was capable of building relationships like this anymore. And he'd been treating these people so badly.
The next thing he does is instinctive, his fingers trembling slightly as he taps away on his phone and brings it to his ear.
Giran picks up on the first call for once.
"Hey'up, son. Happy birthday." Giran greets, clearly talking with a cigarette between his lips.
"I'm ready now." Touya says a little breathlessly.
A small pause from the other end of the phone, but when Giran speaks again, Touya can hear the smile in his voice.
"Come on over when yer free. I'll listen to ya."