You had tried everything.
You'd screamed until your lungs gave out, used every single curse word you knew, yelled and called Hawks and HakuchÅ names, and even been really bad and tried hitting them too.
You kicked, bit, punched and tried to headbutt them. You had tried every conceivable method of being as bad as you possibly could be so that Hawks wouldn't want you in his house anymore and give you back.
You even tried ruining Hawks' furniture. You clawed at it, bit it until your teeth hurt and some of your baby teeth began to wobble, you knocked things over, and tried to smash things up. You even tore out the nasal tube, trying to hunger strike properly again, but all of that had just gotten you put back to sleep again by the mean older lady that called herself a 'handler'.
You'd woken up again with the tube back in your nose and all of the room back to normal, with furniture even replaced and the door that was so often locked repainted where you'd clawed at it.
You were determined though, so you continued to act up. You continued to be as horrible as you could be, even when Hawks locked you in 'your' room, but you were still there.
You don't understand it, because mom and her boyfriends had threatened to get rid of you over you just talking sometimes, never mind yelling at the top of your lungs and actually trying to hurt people.
Being locked in a room repeatedly was upsetting you more than you really realised too, because you had a nightmare one of the nights about the time you'd been locked outside of the house while mom had screamed inside for hours. You'd woken up yourself, screaming. Initially it had been for your mom, until you realised that you were inside and that who you really wanted was Dabi.
You screamed and screamed and screamed for Dabi, dad, pawpaw, begging for him to come and love you again, to make you feel safe and comfortable... But all you got was Hawks and HakuchÅ working together to put you back to sleep with an injection, HakuchÅ telling you that they just wanted to help you get back to sleep, even as you tried to headbutt and kick her.
You didn't want to go to sleep, and you definitely didn't want to keep having the sleepy medicine that made mom die, either.
But they're bigger and stronger than you, even as hard as you continued to fight, so you lost that battle, and slipped back into sleep terrified of whatever it held for you.
The longer you refused to eat, the weaker you became, and the more you fought for no reason, the more exhausted you got.
You ended up reluctantly having to comply whenever you were too exhausted to fight, usually being given pen and pieces of paper whenever you weren't causing a scene.
You'd been drawing a picture of Dabi when a big, red-haired man had come into the house. He had a nasty scar like Hawks' on his face, except instead of going from his neck to his cheek, it went from his hairline to his cheek.
You were fearful instantly. He was big and scary, and looked like someone your mom would date.
And your fear wasn't soothed when he came up to you, and apologised for 'what his son had done to you'. You'd curtly told him you didn't know him, and he'd been surprised, but explained that he was Endeavor, the number one hero in Japan, but his real name was Enji Todoroki, and he was Dabi's dad.
You'd told him what Dabi had told you about his dad, that he was a mean, scary man, and that you hated him and that he should go away otherwise you'd start to scream again.
You don't know why you had thought that telling a man that hurt Dabi and his sister that you would scream if he didn't go away would work, because it didn't and he'd reached for you as he said Dabi's name.
You were done being hurt by bigger men, though, and you were already fighting daily for freedom and to be listened to. You also felt like you owed Dabi some kind of show of loyalty, even if he couldn't see it. So you'd bitten the giant man the second his hand was close enough, pressing down as hard as you could.
He didn't even flinch though, even though there was a flash of surprise in those cold, empty, blue eyes. He hadn't even reacted instinctively to hurt you back like you'd expected, he'd just tried to use his massive arm to try to shake you off, but you refused to let go, wanting to hurt the man like he'd hurt your pawpaw.
You'd only let go when Hawks grabbed you and pulled you off Endeavor, cheerily telling you it was 'naptime'. You weren't dumb, you knew what that meant.
So you began fighting again, swinging your fists and feet at Hawks, yelling at him for being friends with bad people, yelling at Endeavor as you were being pulled away for being a bad dad, and reiterating just how bad Endeavor was as Hawks pushed you into 'your' room.
"You keep talking about how bad he is, L/N, but your beloved 'Pawpaw' has killed people." Hawks had sneered as he blocked the door from you. "How's that for food for thought?"
He'd had to catch you to put you to sleep, and you'd hit him over and over until your body became too sluggish to move.
At least you'd been knocked out before you could really think about whether or not he was being truthful about that.
After that, you were avoiding the sleepy medicine. You'd been given it so much lately that you were really beginning to wonder if they were trying to kill you, or if they were trying to make you like your mom, always sleepy or angry.
You didn't want that, you just wanted your pawpaw. Or pa. Or even Uncle Giran, or Zero. You just didn't want to be here anymore.
So you lay in bed, letting that heavy numbness you got sometimes fully envelop you for the first time. You didn't talk, you didn't fight, you didn't drink, you refused to bathe, you didn't eat, you just laid there.
And then you had a migraine that you had to put up with silently because you refused to talk to either of the people you were under the care of, not wanting to, and not wanting to risk the answer to the problem being the injections they'd been giving you.
You'd cried a lot that day, pretending you were talking to Dabi in your head whenever the pain subsided enough for you to do so.
And then your tummy started hurting in a way that was all too familiar, but you were convinced you were locked in the room, left to be in pain and bleed everywhere.
And then Hawks had come in to check on you, a weird bird noise leaving him when he lifted the covers you'd hidden under only to see the bloodstains on the sheets.
He'd lost his temper with you again at that, something you weren't used to for something that Tomura had said was normal, and told you that you had to have a bath, with either him or HakuchÅ in the room because you 'couldn't be trusted alone'.
So you lost your temper back, but you were in too much pain and too numb to fight as much as you usually did. You had no choice but to relent and choose HakuchÅ, sitting in the warm bathwater and splashing the water with your un-burned arm's hand while she sits with her back to you, one of her wings in her hands.
"You're still mad at me, then?" She asks after a while.
You ignore her, trying to pretend she wasn't there and that the warm water easing the pain in your stomach was your warmed up plushie that Dabi would always warm up for you.
"I didn't want to take you from him." She admits quietly. "Everyone told me you were getting hurt and I kind of had to believe them and do what they asked."
You pause your splashing so you can hear her properly, but still don't respond.
"I was trying to get you to him, that's why I asked you where he was." She tells you, a little firmly. "But everything went wrong. I'm sorry for lying, I'm sorry that you're so hurt and upset, but I promise I never wanted this for you."
You think about what she's saying for a little while, mulling it over and trying to decide whether you trust her or not. You figure it makes sense, because you hadn't quite understood why she'd asked where Dabi was that day, but if she wanted to take you to him, that made sense.
"I'm being bad, so why won't Hawks get rid of me?" You ask, hoping to get some kind of answer as to why Hawks was keeping you here when you were being horrible.
"Because you're his now. No matter how bad you are, he has to look after you." She sighs, letting go of her wing and shaking it out. "Trust me, it's easier if you just try to get along with him."
"But I don't like him, he hurt Uncle Jin and keeps putting me to sleep. And he lies." You reply factually, your voice hurting to use.
"I get that, Star, but he's been told the same thing I was. That you were unsafe, and that you'll be safer with us. He's not used to being a parent, and he's kinda harsh with it sometimes, but I think he's trying his best." She explains slowly. "He's a hero, he doesn't want to upset you."
"I don't like heroes." You say stubbornly. "They hurt my family."
"Your family hurt people too." She retorts quickly. "Neither side is good."
You huff, splashing the water again. "Liar."
"It's not a lie, Star." She sighs again. "If you didn't know, it was because they were trying to protect you from the truth. Parents do that sometimes."
You ignore her again, splashing the water once more, trying to ignore the fact that you'd been told that Dabi had hurt people twice in a relatively short amount of time.
You found it hard to believe, especially when he was so nice to you. He looked after you from the day he found you trying to climb the dumpster, and never made you feel like it was a bother to love you.
The memory of him makes that numbness come back, your heart feeling like it's slowing down and might stop.
"I want my dad." You sniffle, on the brink of tears. "My tummy hurts and he always made me warm things for my tummy when I got my period."
HakuchÅ doesn't reply, just curls up more on the bathroom floor beside the tub.
"He used to make sure I had medicine to help, too, and he'd be extra cuddly because I got sad sometimes and I miss being called princess and having my teddy and being able to paint with Uncle Giran and play Legend Of Zelda with 'Mura." You continue to cry. "I want my dad."
"I'm sorry, Star." She replies, but it's not what you want to hear.
"Well I'm not sorry for hurting you, 'cause Tomura told me I shouldn't apologise if I don't mean it." You reply spitefully, your sniffling ruining the harsh delivery you wanted.
"That's fine." She shrugs. "I don't care about being hurt."
You fall silent again for a while, trying to stop yourself from crying.
Once you've managed to stop crying, you make a quiet plea for something warm for your stomach and medicine.
"If you ask him nicely without screaming or hitting him he'll probably do that for you, yeah." She tells you calmly.
"I don't want to talk to him." You sniffle again, exhausted. "Please?"
She sighs, but nods an agreement. "I'll ask for you."
"Thank you." You reply very quietly. "...The water's cold."
She scoops up a towel from the side with one of her wings and holds it towards you wordlessly, you cautiously lift the material, wrapping it around yourself as you watch her wing tuck itself back in behind her.
You get dressed into new pyjamas, deciding to look in the drawers by the sink for pads or tampons, not that you'd used a tampon yet, but you'd figure it out if you absolutely had to.
HakuchÅ keeps her back to you as you find a pad and put it on your panties.
"Are you wearing something now?" She asks, sounding embarrassed.
"Yeah, my pyjamas." You reply absentmindedly.
"No, Star. A pad, or... something for the blood." She groans, like you're stupid.
"Oh. Mhm..." You reply, feeling a little defensive about how weird they were being about you having a period. "I didn't know where they were and I thought the lock was on."
"He's not locked it since you've not been moving." She sighs, standing up and facing you, her eyes running over your small frame briefly. "Remember to just try to get along and it might be easier."
You shrug, walking out of the bathroom and past Hawks without looking at him, yelling at him, or trying to hurt him, into the room you kept being locked inside.
You get into the bed, curling up and trying to bunch the new clean sheets together to press against your belly like Tomura had shown you while HakuchÅ and Hawks talk quietly in the hallway.
You hear footsteps after a short while, passing the room, and then going down the stairs. You only pick up on one person's feet, though, and HakuchÅ soon makes her presence known.
"He's seeing what he can do." She calls quietly.
You ignore her, focused on the pain in your lower abdomen.
It doesn't take too long for the footsteps to return to the upper floor, approaching you slowly.
Soon, Hawks is in your line of vision, crouching to talk to you like Dabi used to, except it's not Dabi, it's not even someone you liked a little.
"F/N, I can't give you a hot water bottle, because you've been hurting yourself and us, and it'd be kind of risky to give you something that damaging, you understand?" He explains calmly.
You stare at him coldly. You understood that the reason he wouldn't give you something you needed was because of your own actions, but it didn't mean you had to like it.
"I have this, which I know you're not gonna like, but it's nice and toasty for your belly." He says, lifting up an Endeavor plush. You pull a face at it and he smirks at you in response. "Yeah, I know."
"I don't want it." You huff.
"You don't gotta like it, but it's warm, I use it when I get stomach migraines." Hawks explains.
"...Stomach migraines?" You ask, your curiosity piqued. You had migraines, but they were in your head. You'd never heard of stomach migraines before.
Hawks glances off to the side for a moment before replying.
"Yeah. They're really bad tummy aches." Hawks explains slowly. "Usually when I'm stressed. I've been having them a lot recently, but I'm pretty lucky that I don't have to deal with periods, so I'll let you borrow it for a while."
He moves the plushie of the man you definitely didn't like as though it's dancing in the air, as though you're some kind of baby. He's smiling at you, but it's not the smile you wanted or were used to.
"It's a warm toy?" You double check. "Like my ducky?"
"Sure! It's a limited edition toy too." Hawks replies cheerily for the first time ever with you. "Hey, no-one knows I have it either, might ruin my reputation here, so you gotta keep it a secret, okay?"
He even winks at you, but you don't change your stony faced expression as you consider your options.
Unfortunately the stomach pain is too much for you to pass up the opportunity to have something warm to soothe it.
"Okay... I'm not cuddling it, though." You tell him firmly.
"You don't have to." He nods, passing it to you. "I have some medicine for you too, but I need you to prove you can swallow properly before you're allowed to take it, 'cause the tube could cause some problems."
You sit up instantly and swallow loudly a few times, earning a genuine sounding chuckle from him as he passes you the capsules, reaching for the glass of water he'd brought up for you.
You take the tablets with a sip of water each and then rearrange the bed so that the plush is underneath your belly and a pillow is in your arms to cuddle.
"Would you like anything else?" Hawks asks. "Food? I'm sure HakuchÅ will share some chocolate with you. D'ya need a hug, maybe?"
"Not from you." You retort sourly, unable to pretend you liked him enough for that.
Hawks doesn't get upset like he had before, instead getting up and finally leaving you alone, his footsteps retreating downstairs again.
A wave of sadness hits you as you consider the sheer amount of betrayal you were showing towards Dabi by pretending to be nice to Hawks just so your tummy didn't hurt anymore, and using a warm plush of his horrible, mean dad to ease the pain.
You sniffle as you begin to cry again, burying your face into the pillow you're cuddling.
"What's the matter, Star?" HakuchÅ asks quietly, taking you by surprise. You thought she'd left with Hawks.
"I'm disappointing Dabi." You sob into the pillow. "Endeavors a mean man."
She doesn't respond for a moment, but when she does, she announces that she's coming into your room.
You allow it, too sad and too hurt to care.
You feel her gently press the tape on your face down, and then rub your back cautiously like she's scared you might still bite.
You don't necessarily want her touching you, but you're too caught up in your grief to retaliate.
"You're not disappointing him." She tells you quietly. "You're crushing him! Not cuddling him. Dabi'd be proud."
You sniff a little. "...You think?"
"Yeah!" She confirms, then pauses for a moment. "And y'know... I think he'd be super proud of you for fighting us so hard, you know? You saw how mean he'd be to Keigo. He'd probably give you a high five for being mean to us both."
You giggle as you imagine Dabi's reaction to how you'd been behaving. She was right, you could imagine that happening.
"He would." You agree.
"Don't make it a habit though, yeah? It's nicer when we're not all yelling, huh?" She reminds you, souring the mood again.
You nod anyway, ducking your face into the pillow once more. "Yeah. I want to be alone now, please?"
"Sure." She agrees. "Thank you for trying, Star."
You don't reply, sobs leaving you again.
This was all so horrible. This wasn't home, or nice, because it was forced.
Home was wherever Dabi was, because he chose to love you, and he made sure you were safe and loved, no matter what, and neither of you had to pretend to make sure that happened.
You wait until the door clicks closed, but you don't hear the lock this time, before crying out to your dad, not that he can hear it.
"I'm sorry pawpaw." You cry into the pillow. "I'm sorry."