You'd looked everywhere for Dabi within the building when you got back, but you couldn't find him, or Tomura anywhere.
You wonder if maybe they'd fought so badly they'd both left, until you smell smoke coming from one of the big glass doors in one of the unused rooms. Curiously, you approach it, spotting Dabi sitting on a balcony that you hadn't known even existed, his back turned to you as he sits cross legged on the balcony.
You open the door, having to tiptoe to reach the handle.
"Not now." Is the flat response from Dabi, who doesn't even turn around before speaking.
"But I wanna see you." You say sadly.
He peers over his shoulder at you with the cigarette hanging between his lips. "Ah, Starshine. Sorry, hon. Thought it was Toga. C'mere."
He throws his cigarette over the edge of the balcony as you cautiously come out of the building to join him.
He reaches for you as you settle down, wrapping his arm around your waist and tugging you to his side.
"Give your paw a hug." He says softly.
You wrap your arms around him automatically, but alarms are going off in your head. Dabi next to never openly asked for hugs, not like you did, which meant he must be really upset.
You squeeze him tight, pressing your face into his side so harshly that it makes the tube hurt your nose a bit, which makes you catch your breath.
"Carefully, dummy." He says, pulling your face away gently and looking over it with worried blue eyes. "Don't go hurting yourself."
"You're the dummy." You argue weakly.
"Nice one, Star." Dabi snorts and then rolls his eyes. "Sure showed me."
You squeeze him a little tighter again wordlessly, not wanting to argue, even in jest, with him like he did with Tomura. You didn't want to make him even more sad.
He drops a kiss to the top of your head, gently easing a few strands of your hair from the staple at the corner of his mouth as he pulls away.
"Nurse Wani says that smoking kills people." You say simply after a while in silence.
"Uh-huh." Dabi responds dryly.
"You should stop." You say, looking up at him with big, pleading eyes.
He looks conflicted for a second before rolling his eyes, and looking away from you. "Don't be a nag, Starshine."
"I'm not nagging!" You defend.
"Buggin' me like the little snuggle bug you are." He continues to tease, but for some reason the fact he'd said you were bugging him stings a little bit.
So you go quiet. You don't bug him anymore, not like you did mom and her boyfriends. You were already causing arguments between Tomura and Dabi, so you didn't need to add to it by annoying Dabi as well.
"Didja have fun with the old man?" Dabi asks after a while, leaning his cheek on your head.
"Mhm. I saw Uncle Jin." You reply, trying to keep your sentences as brief and concise as possible.
"He's awake, huh?" Dabi asks, a small smirk pulling his mouth upwards ever so slightly. "Bet he was glad to see ya."
You nod. "He said he wanted to see you too, next time."
Dabi hums absentmindedly.
"He said you carried him to someone and told them to take him to a clinic that looked after him for a while." You tell him. "He called you a hero."
Dabi scoffs. "I'm not a hero."
"You're his hero, he said so." You argue.
"He's crazy."
"You say that about everyone." You huff.
"He actually is crazy." Dabi replies with another smirk, kissing your head again. "Just didn't wanna hear you cryin' if he croaked."
"He's not a frog." You mutter.
Dabi chuckles. "Not literally, doll. Croaked means died."
"Oh." You mumble, embarrassed. "I knew that."
"No you didn't." Dabi replies, flicking your nose. "An' that's just fine. Love ya just the way you are. All innocent and cute."
And then he's pinching your cheek, shaking the skin he's caught there and making your cheek make funny noises. And for a second you feel like you'd gone crazy for thinking he was upset before, because he was being completely normal with you. He was being the normal playful Dabi you knew and loved, like he hadn't been yelling at Tomura all morning, and was prepared to tell you to go away when he thought you were Himiko.
You groan at him and swat his hand away, hiding your face in his side again as he chuckles to himself.
"He showed me the mark, it was really big." You tell Dabi. "And gross. Uncle Giran has to change the bandages because he gets yellow goop all over it."
"Yeah, that's pretty gross." Dabi agrees. "Don't wanna hear about any of the nightmares you get from that. You can bother your beloved Jin wi' that one."
"I won't have nightmares, I'm not a baby." You grumble, despite the fact that you did still have nightmares nearly every night.
He gives a doubtful hum in return but leaves you alone for a while after that, perfectly content in the quiet, even though you're not.
"Where's 'Mura?" You ask quietly.
Dabi shrugs harshly, and you pause, still clinging onto him like you're terrified of being taken from him again.
"Are you arguing because of me...?" You ask nervously.
"What? No, hon, no." Dabi sighs, rubbing your side reassuringly. "We're arguin' cause he's not himself lately. I told you that."
"I heard you talking about me when I was waking up..." You admit.
"I'm tellin' you that we're not arguing because of you." Dabi repeats, his tone final.
So you shut up again. Until he sighs, again.
"Your pa... He got given another quirk, you remember?" Dabi asks, and you nod. "The quirk makes his head... not right."
You listen intently, but are a little confused.
"S' like..." Dabi pauses, seeming to find the words he's looking for. "His teacher, the guy that had the quirk before, is kinda in his head."
"How?" You quiz immediately, imagining a little man inside Tomura's head.
"I dunno, princess." Dabi sighs. "Not a scientist."
"Can't he give it back?" You ask, looking up at him.
"Naw, hon. He's too stubborn for that." Dabi sighs. "He wantsa keep it. Even though his teacher's a dick."
You wait for him to correct himself, but he doesn't, he just carries on staring off into the distance.
"You swore." You point out.
"Yeah." Dabi agrees, a little sadly. "Sorry, hon."
"You're sad." You comment.
"So are you." Dabi replies like it's a fact.
"Only because you are." You counter. "Is that why Tomura won't kiss you? Because his teacher says he can't?"
Dabi blinks in surprise. "How'd you know about that, Star?"
"'Mura told me." You reply factually.
Dabi's white eyebrows pull together. "Even though you don't like hearin' about it?"
"He wanted me to stop asking questions." You inform him.
"That'd do it." Dabi chuckles. "Good ta know he's in there somewhere, still."
He goes quiet again, but this time he's smiling, which is a good sign.
"So you're sad because you miss kissing Tomura?" You ask, trying to understand where Dabi's head is.
"I miss Tomura." Dabi corrects, amused. "There's more to us than that, dollface."
"But he's home again." You reply, confused.
"Don't worry, Star." He smiles, but it seems fake, as he strokes your hair back. "You're too little to understand."
"I'm big." You huff.
Dabi snorts and rolls his eyes. "You're a tiny little squirt."
You push him again, and he chuckles as he pretends to be knocked by you, not pulling you back into a hug once he's done.
You'd like more contact, but you could tell that Dabi was withdrawing for whatever reason, like he did whenever he was having a bad pain day. So you don't push it, trying to be content enough just being next to him after so long of not having him around.
"How're you feelin', doll?" He asks after a while. "Hungry? How's your arm?"
"I'm okay. I'm not hungry, Spinner let me have a shake." You reply, trying not to get mad at him for asking. He just cared and was worried, that's all. "I can't feel it, remember?"
His lips fall downward, and he gently pulls your scarred arm free of the confines of your sleeve, looking at the scarring carefully and running his thumb over the big pale patch wordlessly.
When he's done, he gently places your arm back in your lap, pulling your sleeve down.
"How's your head? Belly?"
"I'm okay." You reply, picking at the threads of your too-big clothing. "I'm sleepy all the time still, though... Are you sure that I'm not like mom?"
Dabi tenses next to you, blue eyes sliding to glance at you as you busy your hands with picking at your clothes.
"Nah, hon. You ain't like your mom." He reassures you. "You're not givin' your body enough food, which is what gives us energy, so you don't have much energy so that's why you're sleepy. S' why Tomura was so snappy when we first met him."
"He really was grumpy." You concur thoughtfully.
"Yeah." Dabi agrees in a grunt, pausing for a minute before asking: "Hey, Star?"
"Yeah?" You ask, raising your head to pay attention to him properly.
"You..." He looks at you and then swallows. "Ya know what drugs are, darlin'?"
"You're meant to say no to them." You tell him, repeating the words you'd heard so often on TV.
He nods. "Yeah, you should. But... You know what they are?"
You frown a little bit, shaking your head.
"So, you know that 'sleepy medicine' your mom took?" Dabi asks, taking a deep breath.
You nod, not liking where this is going.
"Well... That was a drug, doll." Dabi says, almost apologetically. "A serious one."
"Mom said yes?" You question nervously. "But why? TV always says to say no."
"She was sick, remember? Had all them big feelin's inside her. She probably thought the drugs would help, but they always just end up makin' bigger problems." He explains. "But the doctors at the hospital, they didn't give you the same stuff your mom was on, 'cause that's bad and illegal. They just sedated you, hon. Made ya sleep for a while 'cause they couldn't control you awake. It's not addictive, doesn't change your brain an' make you want it more an' more. You understand?"
"I think so?" You reply uncertainly.
You had told them not to keep doing it time and time again, so you guess that means you didn't want it.
Dabi pets your head, looking at you with concerned blue eyes. "Difference is, the drugs y'say no to are bad for you, an' you don't usually get 'em from doctors or hospitals."
"So I'm not going to-"
"Not while I'm here to stop it." He interrupts, digging in his pocket for cigarettes, his other hand still on your head.
"Okay. Love you pawpaw." You say, unsure what to do with this information about your mom, and wrap your arms tight around his torso again.
"You too, darlin' girl... Are you okay?" He asks, grimacing slightly as he awaits your response.
"...I need to think about it first." You reply.
"Okay." He agrees. "Ya know, m' here if you got any questions. Zero's good to talk to, too. Guy's like a walkin' Google search bar."
"What about 'Mura?" You ask curiously.
"Not now, darlin'. Maybe when he's better." Dabi replies, a little less dryly than before.
"Okay." You relent.
"Attagirl." Dabi praises, kissing your head. "Prouda you always."
"Even though I can't eat?" You ask, still worried.
"Actually, when you put it that way..." He teases with an eye roll, pulling you closer again. "Always."
There's a brief silence between you both, and then he rubs your arm.
"Just a lil' longer hon, then I need ya to shoo, 'cause I gotta smoke. No naggin'."
"I didn't nag anyway." You grumble, but use the opportunity to cuddle him as much as you can, anyway.
*â¢*
Once you'd been kicked off of the balcony so Dabi could smoke, you sit in your room, idly toying with the matching moon bear that Tomura and Dabi had gotten you for your birthday, knowing your mom had a copy of the plush when she was alive, while you think about what Dabi had said.
You were trying really hard to feel something about it, but you couldn't find it in yourself to bring any kind of emotion up.
You're so sucked into your own head that you don't even register Zero coming into your room until he's sat beside you on your bed, looking down at the teddy that you'd rubbed a patch of fur off the ear of while you were thinking.
"What's the matter, Star?" He asks patiently with his lips curved upwards slightly.
"Dabi said mom did drugs, even though you're meant to say no. I'm trying to be sad about it." You pause. "Or angry."
Zero is quiet for a moment, his blue and brown eyes scanning your face carefully.
"What are you feeling?" He asks, sounding confused.
You shrug. "Nothing."
Zero frowns a little bit, his smile dropping, and his face inching closer to yours like he's trying to look as deep into your eyes as possible.
But with how close he is, you can see how the red slashes that used to criss-cross on his face are now a pink colour instead, and you cup his face in your hands.
"Your cuts are getting better!" You exclaim happily. "Does that mean your stitches can come out soon?"
Zero blinks, his face going blank for a moment before his smile returns, but it looks more genuine than it ever has before, his face leaning into your hands happily, like you did with Dabi.
"Yes, Shigaraki wants them to be removed soon." Zero replies evenly as you remove your hands from his face, and he straightens up. "I'm glad that makes you happy, Star."
You lean against him, thinking about that, too.
"I'm not meant to be happy." You huff. "I need to be sad."
"Because of your mom." Zero states.
"Yeah." You grunt in response.
Zero's silent while you think a little more, letting you lean on him as though he's an item of furniture. You're glad he seems better after his headache this morning, too.
"I don't know much about... feelings." Zero admits. "But maybe if you have to force yourself to feel something, it's not real? And not being sad is never a bad thing."
"It's my mom, though." You reply, leaning your cheek against his arm too.
"Would she want you to be sad?" He asks, sounding genuinely curious.
"...I don't know." You reply, frowning a little.
"So why are you putting so much pressure on yourself to feel sad, then?" He asks. "It may come to you in time. Relax, little Star."
You nod, making your cheek rub against his stitched arm, the thread scratching your cheek a little bit.
"I have an idea." He says, leaning down once more. "Maybe you should work on a drawing of Shigaraki and Dabi. They both like your drawings a lot, and I'd like to watch."
"Okay." You nod.
That was a good idea, maybe the drawing would get them to stop arguing because they'd remember how much they love each other.
"Also, Spinner told me to give this to you." Zero says, pulling something out of his pocket.
It looks like a chocolate bar, but the characters on the wrapper tell you it's a protein bar, oreo flavoured like the shake he let you drink.
"He said that he hopes you like it." Zero informs you as you take it with heat pooling in your cheeks.
The idea of eating makes you feel a little sick, but the idea of doing something that might impress Spinner is more powerful as you run your thumbs along the wrapper thoughtfully.
Carefully you unwrap the bar while Zero begins gathering your art supplies, and you take a nervous bite.
Surprisingly, it's not bad, it tastes just like the shake, except it's solid and a little more sandy to eat texture-wise. You wolf your way through half of the bar without even noticing before Zero calls your attention away, gently encouraging you to start the drawing, which you do happily after so long of not being able to do so, although you don't find yourself enjoying it like you used to.
You are thoroughly distracted, though.
Distracted enough to not question it or even refuse the protein bar when Zero wordlessly slips it into your relaxed hand, and distracted enough to just wordlessly nibble on it without even really thinking about it.