Chapter 19: CH 19

“Suppose the Grand Duke and I were to marry.”

Unable to be manipulated by the serial confessor any longer, Katya spoke up.

“We might not be compatible, and if I ask for a divorce, you’ll kill me.”

“What do I have to gain by doing that?”

“I don’t know… A sense of conquest?”

“I’d like you to conquer me a little.”

“My lord. Humans can’t fix people.”

“Isn’t that why I’ve come to see you as soon as possible?”

“No, I mean me, you can’t fix me.”

“Why should I? Is there something wrong with you.”

“Are you sure you don’t know? Obedient wife, doting mother, that sort of thing, I’ve had enough of that in this life.”

Katya had no intention of coming back from the dead to be what others wanted her to be.

She wasn’t cut out for it.

But somehow, Nikolai seemed satisfied with her answer.

“I’d rather you didn’t change. I don’t need an obedient wife or a doting mother, because I like you just the way you are.”

“What?”

“I like you just the way you are. Does that answer your question?”

Nikolai took the teacup from her hand and downed it in one gulp.

Katya stared at him, dumbfounded.

He had just shown her that there was no poison in it.

So rest assured.

“Even if it did contain poison, I would be willing to drink it for you.”

“…….”

“What do you think, is this enough to make me worthy of you?”

Then, the conversation they’d had yesterday in the bathtub at the inn quickly flashed through Katya’s mind.

“If I were a nobleman, would you marry me?”

“Of course, I would have married you.”

She shouldn’t have said something so irresponsible, something she couldn’t keep.

“Didn’t you say that if I were a nobleman, you would marry me?”

“I think that was a mistake on my part. You are too worthy for me.”

“Why did your attitude suddenly change like this? Are you really the same person who said that liking me would hurt you, like the woman you mentioned? Just do as you said.”

“Because I’m strong for the weak and weak for the strong…….”

Katya said in a creeping voice.

Now that she knew he was a Grand Duke, she couldn’t talk back to him as casually as she had yesterday.

There was nothing in this tea, but there was no guarantee that there would be nothing in the next.

“No, I thought it was the other way around.”

“What?”

“You thought I was a commoner, you sold me the shamshir at a bargain price, and you cared about my wealth. Isn’t that the kind of heart that puts the people first?”

“T-Then consider it canceled! Since Your Highness, have plenty of money, I’ll charge you the premium price on top of the cost!”

She spread out her palms and demanded money.

But this only piqued Nikolai’s interest.

He opened his mouth, his eyes mesmerized by Katya.

“So assertive. And so charming.”

“No matter what I say, the answer is already decided, isn’t it?”

“Of course not. The choice is always yours.”

“Are you sure it’s okay…… if I say no?”

“I don’t think I’ll be okay with it. Maybe when I go back to the North, I’ll think of you every night and wet my pillowcase with tears.”

“You don’t mean wet it with blood?”

Katya blurted out the thought in her head without filtering it once.

Realizing what she’d done, she clamped her mouth shut.

But Nikolai didn’t seem offended.

In fact, he seemed amused.

“You have a funny way with words. I don’t think I’ll ever get bored with you.”

“Like a toy?”

“If you don’t mind my saying so, I just think it would be fun to live with you. Just living with you seems like an exciting adventure every day.”

“If that’s what you want, I’ll do my best to be your eternal rattle, but not marry you.”

Nikolai giggled as soon as he heard the word ‘rattle’, which is something babies play with.1I think there’s a workplay here. 딸랑이 can also mean playmate or companion

This was a woman with a colorful choice of words.

When that didn’t work, Katya, who had been racking her brains for an excuse to reject his proposal, spoke up again, as if she’d remembered something.

“The bottom line is, I’m disqualified from being a Grand Duchess.”

“Disqualified? What are you talking about?”

Nikolai looked at her with an intrigued expression, curious about what excuse she would come up with this time.

“When you wrote to me, I did not mean to give you permission to live with him so hastily, this father was short-sighted.”

“I never had any intention of getting married because I’ve always set high standards for myself. Regardless of what others may gossip about, as long as I remain confident, isn’t that all that matters?”

“If anyone says anything bad about you, this father will find them all and punish them.”

She was forcibly confined in Petrozky’s house and ended up living together against her will.

She denied having any sexual relations with Ivan, but no one would believe her.

Probably not even Nikolai.

“I moved in with a man.”

“What?”

“I was engaged to a man named Ivan Petrozky, and we lived together in his villa. We’ve broken up now, but do you think I’m still qualified to be a grand duchess even though I’ve broken up an engagement and lived together with another man?”

“Why do you think you don’t?”

“Because that’s what everybody thinks. There must be something wrong with a cohabiting, separated, or divorced woman. That they’re flawed.”

Katya felt bitter even as she said it.

She pretended to be unaffected so as not to upset her father, but the truth was that she couldn’t escape the public eye.

She could handle the criticism directed at her, but she was always afraid that her father, Bianca, and the Smirnovs would be criticized.

No engagement, no living together. None of it had gone his way, and he resented the fact that he, not Ivan, had to take the blame for it.

“Who decides what constitutes a flaw?”

“I’m talking about universal thought.”

“And that’s what you’ve been hearing all this time?”

Nikolai asked coldly.

What on earth had Ivan Petrozky been doing to this woman who was so dear to him that she was becoming cautious.

When Katia, who was always bright and lovely, showed signs of low self-esteem, Nikolai felt intense anger and murderous intent.

If Ivan were in front of him right now, he wanted to slit his throat or choke him to death.

Katya’s eyes widened at Nikolai’s words.

His words were accurate.

“If you’re thinking of getting married now, don’t even think about it.”

“Who would take a second-hand woman like you after a broken engagement?”

“You’re lucky I’m marrying a tomboy like you.”

During their stay at the villa, Ivan constantly drilled these words into her head, fearing that she would leave him.

Katya wasn’t weak enough to believe them, but that didn’t mean they didn’t hurt.

She didn’t care what Ivan thought of her, but the idea of the world looking at her like that intimidated her.

“If we’re talking about flaws, I have something to say.”

“…Yes?”

“You probably already know, but after my father’s became a widower, he remarried our mother as his second wife. It wasn’t a happy marriage. My father had maintained relationships with other women even before the marriage. Eventually, our mother became a discarded wife, and not long after, my father arranged an engagement with his mistress.”

It was no secret to the people of Hersen that this was Grand Duchess Oksana.

Katya looked at Nikolai, unsure of how to react as he began to ramble on about himself.

“I, the Grand Duchess…….”

“My father went into a paranoid frenzy and beat my brother to death with his own hands. Cheating, paranoia, and violence. If there is any disqualification, it lies with me, the son of such a man.”

“That’s not your fault, Grand Duke.”

Katya comforted him, her voice trembling.

“Tia.”

For the first time, Nikolai said the name she had told him.

“That goes for you, too.”

“What?”

“It’s not your fault.”

The words made Katya squirm.

It was more comforting than anything Nikolai could have said, even if he didn’t know the whole story.

It was the first time since she’d learned his true identity that the man in front of her looked like yesterday’s Nikki again.

Her eyes weren’t wrong.

He was indeed a good man.

But still, she couldn’t accept his proposal.

“The position of Grand Duchess is too big and burdensome for me, but even before that, the institution of marriage itself doesn’t seem to suit me.”

“How can you be so sure without even experiencing marriage?”

“What household would accept a peculiar woman like me as their madame? Even if such a household exists, we would clash on every little thing. The thought of forming relationships and facing not just a spouse but also the people around them is too chaotic and troublesome for me.”

“Weren’t you originally determined to not get married?”

“No, until recently, I wanted to get married. If only I could meet the right person. But it seems that I have high standards because such a person hasn’t appeared. However, after going through all sorts of experiences, I’ve become completely tired of it before even trying.”

That’s where Ivan really made a difference.

Katia had now become reluctant to pursue marriage.

As a latecomer, Nikolai had suffered tremendous damage from Ivan’s misdeeds.

“To be honest, I’m somewhat curious about what married life would be like, but that doesn’t mean you can just return a person like an item.”

Nikolai, who had been listening intently, parted his lips.

“Then maybe it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try.”

“What?”

“To see if the institution of marriage really isn’t for you.”

“What’s that…….”

“How about you live with me for just one year, and then I’ll let you go with no regrets.”

Katya stared at him, dumbfounded by the outlandish proposal.

A million questions raced through her mind, but she was too stunned to speak.

“If you don’t like it after using it, you can return it.”

Nikolai added, seemingly suggesting to be used without any reservations.