Volume 2 - Epilogue

16th of July (Thursday)

I really blew it. I never had any confidence in Modern Japanese, but I didn’t think I’d actually do that badly. I’m just bad with all these novel-related questions. Of course, I didn’t want to just ignore the problem and leave it at that, so I bought a lot of reference books and worked through a lot of mock questions, but when it comes to the real thing, I always break down.

I’m thinking about too many unnecessary things, I guess. I should just focus on the actual meaning of the text, and move on when I come across problems I can’t solve, just like Asamura-kun told me. Any discrepancies and troubles the characters go through are just so unclear to me. I can’t understand at all what they’re trying to say when they talk on such vague terms.

They should just be honest and directly state their feelings to each other. If you hide your honest feelings and keep your own desires in check, you won’t be able to bring your romantic feelings to fruition… Of course, I know that this is just my twisted way of thinking.

Still, Asamura-kun is really good at teaching. To be honest, I nearly gave up, but I think I might have found a small ray of hope.

Thanks.

17th of July (Friday)

This lofi hip hop Asamura-kun recommended to me is great.

The noise like rain pattering against the windows is really calming.

Oh, yeah. Now that I think about it, I’ve always liked the sound of the rain.

Maybe I’m someone who focuses better on rainy days?

I had no idea that genres like this were popular overseas.

I really need to thank Asamura-kun for going out of this way to look it up for me.

This isn’t good. I was focusing too much. It’s going to be morning soon.

I need to prepare for bed and get some sleep.

I know that the less sleep I get, the more it’ll actually hurt my learning ability, and it’ll impact my health as well.

Still, it’s impressive that I’m able to focus like this.

This music sure is effective.

Weird.

After getting into bed, unnecessary thoughts started running through my head.

I should be giving my brain some rest, but they keep drifting in an odd direction.

Lofi hip hop.

The one who told Asamura-klun about it was a charming Senpai at his work, right?

It’s not like it matters.

But why am I writing about it in my diary?

I don’t get it.

18th of July (Saturday)

I know it sounds weird, but I don’t understand why I am going to write the following in my diary.

It makes no sense.

There’s no benefit to what I’m about to write.

Yet I will write about it.

How great, isn’t it? Satisfying myself and using a dairy to store these emotions.

Asamura-kun got home late.

Since his work ends at about 9pm, he usually gets home by 9:30, maybe 10pm. That’s how it’s always been.

Yet it’s past 10:30pm, and he’s not home yet.

When I went to get a drink from the fridge, I asked Mom and Dad-Taichi-san about it.

In a rare occurrence, they were both home, talking as they watched TV.

I didn’t want to bother them when they could finally enjoy some time together, since they were finally able to act like a married couple, but I couldn’t stop myself.

So I asked them about Asamura-kun.

‘Isn’t he late? Is he going to be fine?’ I asked.

Then I got my response.

Yuuta’s watching a movie with a girl from work.

A girl from work.

I didn’t hear about this.

I mean, I get it. There’s no reason for him to contact me about it.

Horsing around at night without contacting your family isn’t something I can exactly appreciate, but since he told Dad-Taichi-san, expecting anything more would be kind of selfish of me.

Even Asamura-kun has relationships that I don’t know of.

It’s not weird for him to talk with a girl or two on a regular basis.

Maybe it’s her?

The beautiful Senpai at work who told him about lofi hip hop.

If so, I’d hate that.

Ah, let me take that back. Writing it down is different than just thinking about it. The words carry a different weight to them.

The word closest to what I’m feeling is ‘hate’, but it’s not like I have any actual hatred for this girl I don’t even know.

This is the worst.

I don’t even know anything about her, and yet I’m forcing my negative feelings into words that I’m direct at her. I hate myself for that.

I’m getting impatient.

I decided I might as well give Asamura-kun a ‘welcome back’ once he gets home, so I decided to study in the living room instead of my own.

Even after my parents went to bed, I kept studying in the living room.

*P.S. from the following day.

I messed up. I totally fell asleep.

It’s probably because I slept all night yesterday, without even getting up until noon.

It’s the unfortunate influence of a lack of sleep.

In the end, I didn’t wake up even after Asamura-kun came home. I couldn’t even greet him.

Now that I think about it, I woke up with a towel on my shoulders. That was probably his doing, right?

Thinking about that, these gloomy and hazy feelings I had yesterday started to clear up a bit.

As for why, I don’t know.

What is this?

19th of July (Sunday)

So that’s the rumoured beautiful Senpai. I have to admit, she has the beauty to match the title.

Even though I was only looking for some reference books and a few novels to buy, I subconsciously made my way to Asamura-kun’s part-time workplace. It seemed like he was really considerate of me because of that, so I’ll try and reflect on it.

Yomiuri Shiori1. It’s a charming name, for sure.

She loves books, is loved by books, and is loved by people who love books.

Maybe it’s because she’s a university student, but she feels more like an adult, and yet she has kept this cuteness on top of her adult charm.

Asamura-kun seemed like he had fun around her as well.

I really think they’re a great fit. Asamura-kun would definitely be happy if he was with her.

That reminds me, that store had a poster asking for part-time workers hanging on that pillar.

Working part-time at a bookstore, huh?

It definitely isn’t an efficient job that’ll let me earn money quickly, but it feels like something I could do.

But there’s one thing I wonder about. I don’t think he’d be too happy about his step-sister having a job interview at the place where he works. I can’t do that.

Wait, no no.

I can’t be thinking about anything but the exam right now.

I need to pass that first.

Focus, Ayase Saki.

20th of July (Monday)

Today is the final day before the exam.

I’m really thankful to Asasmura-kun and Maaya. Both of them helped me.

I’ll go to bed early so I’m fresh in the morning, which is why I’ll keep it short for now.

The sweet-and-sour pork was delicious.

Thanks, you two.

21st of July (Tuesday)

I passed the exam.

I know that it’s easy to say now that the results are out, but to be honest, I was pretty sure I’d pass yesterday.

It felt like a blockade inside of me had opened, making it much easier for me to answer questions.

It’s thanks to Asamura-kun. And Maaya as well, of course.

Either way, now I’ll be able to use my summer break freely. I can earn money while keeping my studies in check.

Before going home, I took a detour in Shibuya.

I wanted to visit the place where Asamura-kun was working at one more time.

I wanted to have a better look at the poster where it said they were searching for part-time workers.

As for Asamura-kun, he was nowhere to be seen. He might have been working elsewhere right now, but since I didn’t want to run into him, I stayed away as far as possible from the cash register so an employee wouldn’t find me.

I don’t want him to think that I’m a stalker or anything, after all.

I carefully walked around the store and spotted the poster.

Right when I did, a person who seemed like the store manager came to talk to me.

‘Are you interested in working part-time?’, he asked.

Did I make that kind of face? I have confidence that my expression doesn’t really show much about what I’m thinking.

Without thinking about it, I said ‘Yes’.

There’s no turning back now.

I was told to come the next day for a job interview, bringing my curriculum vitae.

Since I’ve never had a job interview before, I figured I needed some practice, so I went to a karaoke box.

I guess I could have done it at home, but picturing Asamura-kun at home with me while I did so made me feel awkward.

If someone heard me practice for a job interview, I’d probably die a bit inside.

It’s not like I could explain it away well, either.

If he asked me why I was interested in working at that bookstore, I wouldn’t have an answer.

I don’t even know, myself. Don’t ask the impossible of me.

I looked up template questions on my phone and started practicing all on my own.

There were a few times when an employee walked in, which made me feel awkward because I wasn’t actually singing. But strangers are strangers, so it doesn’t matter.

I’m sorry that I made you worry like that, Asamura-kun.

Since I figured I’d be making it home late, I wanted to contact him earlier, but that would require me to make up a reason as to why I had been out longer.

‘I went to the bookstore where you work and practiced for the job interview I have there tomorrow’—that’s definitely not something I could tell him.

I feel like I’ll have to face this gloomy and hazy feeling inside of me sooner or later.

But, at least for today, I decided to treat Asamura-kun to some great food.

Since I was in Shibuya already, I stopped by at the department store.

I bought high-quality food without stepping out of my financial boundaries too much, since I figured cooking something delicious would still be allowed.

And, if it wasn’t, then… I could only accept my mistake.

I’ll just use this detour to the department store as an excuse for why I ended up getting home this late. As for why I didn’t contact him, I used the standard excuse that my phone had run out of battery. It’s a fairly white lie, all things considered.

In the end, Asamura-kun was really worried. That might have been the first time I’ve seen him that flustered.

After the doors to the elevator closed, it was just the two of us, and we talked about a lot.

Inside the narrow place, just as the two of us.

An apartment’s elevator is a place like any other, but even I was nervous while we were together in that secluded room.

I at least hope he didn’t think I was smelly, since I was sweating quite a bit.

I used the excuses I came up with. I’m glad he believed me, but the more I lied, the bigger the feeling of discomfort grew in my heart.

Am I not acting exactly the same as a character who’d appear in a novel?

These gloomy and hazy feelings. I can’t bring myself to explain them to him. I bottle them up inside me, put a lid on them, wrap lies all around them, and stuff them into the furthest reaches of my consciousness.

Even though it doesn’t make any sense.

If I could just voice my honest feelings, adjust to them, and avoid any discrepancies, I might be able to find the right path.

I’m scared.

Scared about what I’m feeling right now.

Because I’m slowly starting to understand what is happening to me, and what I’m thinking about him.

Yet I find myself unable to even leave this simple word behind in my own private diary.

How ironic.

I really am turning into a character from a novel.

22nd of July (Wednesday)

Now I did it. I really messed up. I didn’t think about it twice.

I didn’t expect they would accept me as a part-time employee that quickly.

I even ended up coming in for an interview during the same shift as Asamura-kun and Yomiuri-san. I left as soon as I could, in hopes of them not seeing me, but I wonder if that worked out.

No, I’m just buying time at this point.

I can’t run away forever.

I have to explain this to Asamura-kun. About me working at the same bookstore as him.

I’m… scared of explaining.

I’m scared, but at the same time, I find myself relieved.

Of course I’d feel that way, since I can finally clear up these gloomy and hazy feelings that I have.

The Asamura-kun I don’t know.

The relationship between Asamura-kun and Yomiuri-san that I don’t know.

If I’m able to flesh that out only a little bit, this gloomy and tortuous feeling might soften up a bit. That’s what I think at least.

Unbelievable…

Why is the initiative in my own actions being taken by him?

Asamura-kun isn’t even doing anything. I’m putting these chains on myself, restraining myself.

What a comical emotion this is.

Since nobody is going to read this, I guess I could just write it all down here to remind myself.

Since I’m keeping it in the back of a locked drawer, it should be safe, right?

Here is a question for you, me. For you, Ayase Saki.

Q: Choose a single word to express the identity of this unsightly emotion plaguing you.

A: Jealousy.

1Her name basically consists of three kanji. Yomi (Reading) Uri (Selling) Shiori (Bookmark), so you get the point here.