Volume 4 - CH 13

The rumbling sound of the A/C was a lot quieter than yesterday. It’s probably because of the temperature going down day by day, but by the time I actually notice the seasons changing, it always seems that it happens on one day. That Monday, my old man left the house earlier than usual. He still had a mountain’s worth of work waiting for him, so he left early without even eating breakfast. Akiko-san herself had yet to come home from work, which meant it was just Ayase-san and I. With high expectations, I opened up the rice cooker that morning and let out a voice of admiration.

“Woah, that looks delicious.”

A pleasant sweet scent drifted upwards, and I saw small yellow pearls swimming in the sea of white rice. Are these small yellow fragments possibly…?

“We’ll be having chestnut rice today.” Ayase-san turned around while warming up the miso soup.

“Chestnut… I see, it’s that season already.”

This was yet another small but significant change. These kinds of changes pile up, influencing your perception until you finally realize that the season has changed.

“I was thinking of eating breakfast together today. Do you mind?”

“Not at all.”

Since it felt like Ayase-san had been avoiding me a lot lately, I was surprised to hear that response. However, I also felt the same, so I was more than happy to. Not to mention that there was something I wanted to talk about anyway. So we prepared everything for our first breakfast together after a long break and put our hands together.

“That reminds me, I also bought some ginkgo nuts and shiitake mushrooms.”

“Ginkgo nuts and shiitake mushrooms? Are you making chawanmushi1?

“Correct. I’m busy in the morning, so I don’t have time to boil them, but I figured I’d make it for dinner at least.”

“That sounds great.”

This nonchalant but enjoyable conversation began, and we started talking about everything that had happened recently, almost as if to make up for the lack of conversation we had over the past month.

“Oh yeah, you mentioned you ate out somewhere with someone yesterday, right?”

“Yeah, at an Italian restaurant. It was cheap and affordable, just like everybody says.” I answered, and asked a question myself. “That reminds me, I thought I saw you yesterday, Ayase-san. I think you were shopping at a convenience store?”

“Eh?” Ayase-san’s eyes opened wide. “Ah, now that you mention it, I saw an Italian family restaurant across the street. You were eating there, huh?”

“So it was you, Ayase-san. I thought I was just seeing things. I think you were with one of your classmates.”

“Probably when we were out shopping. His name is Shinjou-kun. He’s one of the members of our study group. He also went with us to the pool last summer.”

Upon hearing his name, I remembered something. He’s the guy who called out to me after the parent-teacher meeting ended. The one carrying the tennis racket. A faint sense of unease filled my heart. Even though I have no right to feel this way, I can’t fight against it.

“We didn’t have anything to eat for lunch, or snacks in general. We also couldn’t make something at home with the number of people we had.”

“Ahh, so that’s why.”

“Yep. I was actually planning on going alone, but in the end, Shinjou-kun helped me a lot while tagging along.”

I see. That explains a lot.

“Can I ask you something as well?”

“Sure, go ahead.”

“Yesterday, you came home fairly late, right? You told me beforehand that you would. Where did you go, though?”

I found it rather odd and surprising that Ayase-san would ask me that.

“After my shift at work ended, I took a stroll through Shibuya.”

“Simply walking around? With Yomiuri-san?”

“No, no. The two of us ate lunch together, and she then invited me out for the evening—”

“Wait.”

I closed my mouth.

“That person… is a girl?”

“Huh…?”

That’s what you’re latching onto?

“Well, yeah.”

“Hmm… I see. So?”

For some reason, Ayase-san sounded a bit agitated. Then again, it might just be me interpreting that reaction the way it would be most convenient for me. When I thought about that, my mind once again drifted towards that particular thought.

‘I won’t have any great expectations from you, so I want you to do the same for me.’

The meaning behind Ayase-san’s probing expression back then… Did she really not expect anything? And that question goes for me as well. Because in reality—I was hoping for something from her. Hoping that she would show a special kind of emotion only directed at me.

“So I’ve been thinking about some stuff.”

This time, what Fujinami-san said was what was playing back in my mind.

‘That’s why I don’t think you should lie to yourself. A lie can’t continue forever.’

This emotion growing deep inside of my chest won’t go away. If so—

“I’d like us to adjust to each other.” I declared with determination in my voice.

“In regards to what?”

“You see, I… towards you, Ayase-san, I… have this special emotion in my heart, it seems like.”

The moment these words left my mouth, I did feel a lingering regret in my chest. However, once I’ve said those words, I can’t take them back. I may be determined, but regret will always follow any decision. Even so, the moment my words reached Ayase-san, her expression changed drastically.

“Wha… Huh? Um… wait… you’re lying.”

“I’m not lying.”

“…Is this some sort of joke?”

“I wouldn’t joke about something like this.”

“Yeah…you’re right. You’re not the kind of person who would say these kinds of things, Asamura-kun.”

Ah.

“Wait, did you just—”

“Eh? Ah—” Ayase-san closed her mouth.

“No, never mind, that’s not important right now,” I said.

“You’re… right. So, this, well… emotion.” She urged me to continue.

“I like you…I think.”

Ayase-san’s eyes opened wide. Her lips were about to form a smile, but she quickly closed them tightly again.

“Is that the kind of emotion a man has towards a woman? Or something you feel as a brother towards your younger sister?”

I didn’t think she would answer my confession with a question.

“Wha?”

“Wanting to touch them, wanting to hug them, feeling jealous when seeing them with someone else, is it that kind of emotion?”

I nodded. After all, this perfectly described how I felt. I realized it last summer, and I thought ‘Ah, I like her.’ I don’t want to believe that I could feel something like that towards my younger sister. And yesterday, when I saw her with another boy, I was filled with this nasty and grotesque emotion. If not jealousy, what else would you call it? That’s why I’m sure these feelings I have are not directed at her as my younger sister, but as a woman. That’s what I told her.

“But there’s no way this kind of emotion would be born between siblings, right?”

This time, I couldn’t argue back. But at the same time, I remembered something. I remembered Akiko-san, Ayase-san’s mother, at the parent-teacher meeting. She was so overwhelmed upon hearing what I said that she hugged me so passionately. Is that something normal for the Ayase family?

“No no no, wait a second, Ayase-san.”

“Just the other day, I was told about this myself… When two people of the opposite sex suddenly live together, and if they both didn’t have much experience with the opposite sex, the moment they interact more with each other, it’s easier to develop something resembling romantic feelings, you know.”

I started thinking. Basically, because I was never satisfied while living with my biological mother, I would immediately develop something close to romantic feelings the moment I lived with a woman?

“No, but, it’s just something that can happen, right?”

“But it’s not impossible.”

“That’s true, but…”

“What about the possibility that your affection for your younger sister has just gotten stronger?”

No, there’s no way that’s… possible, right? However… When Ayase-san says it with such confidence, the determination and certainty I had until now started to feel like it had burned up in flames.

“If so… then I myself can’t say for certain.”

I personally was confident that I am not well-acquainted with this kind of emotion. Being confident in not being confident sure sounds pathetic, to be honest. Eventually, Ayase-san’s expression changed, and she averted her gaze. After that, no proper conversation was born, and we simply continued eating breakfast in awkward silence.

Over this past month, I’ve continued to avert my eyes from this emotion. Because I am Ayase-san’s… older brother. I tried talking with other people, other girls, seeing the good sides about them. But in the end… this emotion that I have for Ayase-san is something different, something… special. But she says that this emotion might only be something I feel as her older brother?

After we finished eating breakfast, Ayase-san quickly cleaned up her dishes and prepared to head off to school as always. I chased after her. At this rate, the same back and forth I’ve experienced over this past month will repeat. I rushed towards Ayase-san, who was changing into her outdoor shoes at the front entrance. Once she was done with that, she stood up and stopped moving entirely.

“Ayase-san.”

“You know,” Ayase-san said, her back still turned towards me. “I don’t hate it.”

Huh? What do you mean by that—I wanted to ask, but before I could even open my mouth, Ayase-san turned around towards me. The shoes she had just put on were thrown off in a hurry, and she grabbed my hand, pulling me after her with strength you wouldn’t expect from her slender arms. Overwhelmed by her sudden and unexpected pushiness, I could simply follow her as she dragged me to her room. She closed the door, locked it, and confirmed that all the curtains were pulled close as well, and then turned towards me again—

“Huh?”

Time—stopped. It took my head a few moments to fully grasp what just happened, what she had done to me. The first word filling my head: Warm. And then, I don’t even know how to describe it, but what appeared next in my mind was a simple word that almost made me burst out smiling—I felt happiness.

The sensation of our touching bodies, overlapping, sharing, and melting each other’s warmth into one. Her arms tightly squeezed me, as they wrapped around my back. Even though such an action symbolized restriction, which we both despised, it now made me feel happy that I was needed by her, and I was about to wrap my arms around her back myself, returning my emotions. However, she had already moved away from me at that point.

“Did that… calm you down?”

“Huh?”

“Thank you for being so courageous, Asamura-kun. If I had to think about all of that, all on my own, I wouldn’t even know how painful that could have been… But you carried something so heavy.”

“That… is true, I guess.”

“But, don’t worry. I think I can share that baggage with you.”

In reality, before any happiness set in, I just felt relieved. My confession could very well have led to our relationship completely breaking apart. It’s not like I have any particular charming traits, and I’m not nearly as popular as that Shinjou guy. We’re also tied down by our family’s situation. It was definitely a possibility that I could have lost everything with that confession. That’s why this hug from Ayase-san right now felt like a justification, or a stamp of approval.

“This emotion you mentioned, even if it’s from the point of view of an older brother, or anything beyond that, I don’t hate it at all. In fact, I’m happy.”

“Ayase-san, do you—?”

“I don’t know. Do I feel this way because we’re siblings, or not?”

“Ayase-san…”

“But, my desire to reassure you with this hug was real. Because I would be happy if someone hugged me when I was going through a tough time. Without putting a special tag to it, simply stating my feelings, this would be it.”

“…Yeah.”

I was probably the same.

“Let’s adjust like we always would. I don’t want to trouble our parents. You’re the same, right, Asamura-kun?”

“Yeah. I want them to be happy because they deserve it.”

“Following that line of thought, if you’re close with other girls, I will feel jealous and gloomy. How about that?”

“Same here. I don’t want to restrain you, but I didn’t really like the sound of that study session.”

“Got it. Me either. I don’t like the idea of you walking around Shibuya with that girl you just mentioned.”

“Sorry.”

“There’s no need for you to apologize. We both have our own relationships we have to tend to… So you know. This jealousy, I think that it’s very possible to exist between simple brothers and sisters.”

“…Maybe.”

I slowly started to see what she was getting at.

“If we suddenly said that we wanted to be a couple, I’m sure we’d surprise our parents. That’s why, I’ll go with ‘Asamura-kun’ as always, and in front of them, it’ll be ‘Nii-san’—So that we’re just siblings… No, not quite.” Ayase-san shook her head. “As step-siblings who have a specially close distance, gradually growing more attached… how does that sound?”

“So we’ll hide it from our parents?”

“…It’s not something we should do. I know.”

Carrying what could be romantic feelings and hugging each other… The moment we did something like this that we couldn’t show our parents, we had strayed off the path of what was right. However, if I wanted to remain just and right, I would be unable to be honest with my true feelings. The only way to break this dilemma was to accept the fact that we are in the wrong, and still keep pushing forward our own desires.

“No matter what shape it may be, simply knowing that you’ve accepted me like this is more happiness than I could ask for.”

“…Same here.”

Once again these days with my step-sister changed form, and were filled with secrecy under the pretense of prolonging our relationship as siblings. Honestly speaking, I can’t say with confidence that we can keep this up for too long. Right now, I’m satisfied with just this one hug, but once these emotions grow stronger, I don’t know how far they will go, and how good I will be at holding them back.

As we left the flat, a chilly fall breeze immediately blew against us, signaling the beginning of a new season. However, I felt no need to wear warm clothes and protect myself against the cold, as my heart and every part of my body was filled with a pleasant warmth.

1 Savoury steamed egg custard with chicken, mushrooms, etc.