After Derek and Shelly called a ceasefire to their battle, we all just hung out. Derek lounged on Salvador, drink in hand with a Krazy Straw that magically appeared when I wasn't looking. Brittany sunbathed on the sunken platform in the shallow end. Shelly and Nathalie swam around the deep end. Shelly occasionally upset Salvador to make him rock and get Derek to yelping.
Meanwhile, Elian and I lounged somewhere in the middle, sticking to the shade cast by one of the palm trees surrounding the terrace, so I could avoid a sunburn. He kept his arms and legs wrapped loosely around me as we drifted through the water, mostly just chatting about nothing. Occasionally he'd draw in close and hold me tighter, rubbing against me to get me worked up. Then he'd kissed me for a few minutes and loosen his hold. It was both excruciating and highly enjoyable. I worried if he kept that up, I'd have a repeat of the incident.
After the third time he did it, I couldn't take it anymore. "Follow me." I whispered into his ear.
I swam to the other side of the pool and climbed out. Elian was right behind me.
"Where are you going?" Derek asked, paddling Salvador to the side of the pool.
I knelt down to speak softly. "I'm just gonna show him where the bathroom is."
"Uh-huh." Derek nodded and grinned. "Well, in case you lose your way and find yourself flipping a coin in there, you might find something to help you out in my nightstand."
My face burned hot as I recalled his earlier statement about coin flipping. Not to mention mine. I glanced over at Elian, smirking, obviously having guessed my intentions.
"Thanks," I told Derek.
"Use my room. My mom will notice if even one of her throw pillows is at a slightly wrong angle. Just make sure you lock the door. You don't want a retread of that night you walked in on me and Karen going at it."
I nodded and pushed Salvador to send Derek back into the middle of the pool. He gave me a salute as Salvador spiraled to face the other way.
I walked past Elian without saying a word. My skin felt like it was on fire as I padded through the house, leaving a breadcrumb trail of drips from the back door, up the stairs, and down the hall to Derek's room.
It did not surprise me when I opened his nightstand and found a bunch of condoms just thrown in there, along with a half empty bottle of lube.
I went over to Elian. He was still standing by the door. I pushed it shut and turned the lock.
Elian didn't hesitate. He lunged forward, locking our lips in a dance that was soon accompanied by tongues and groping hands. We discarded our swimsuits on the way to the bed, crashing down, letting our hands and lips search each other for the spots that made our skin tingle and our breaths quiver.
When it came time for the main event, I fished a condom out of the drawer and held it up.
He grinned. "I think you can handle getting it on by yourself now."
In the context of this moment, considering what we were doing, that sounded incredibly dirty to me. I actually laughed.
With my heart pounding, just like it had been before the very first time, I shook my head. "It's actually for you."
"Oh!" He looked shocked.
I panicked. "Um, I'm sorry. Is that not something you do?"
He shook his head. "I do it. I just didn't know you'd want to do that."
"I want to try." I said. "You certainly seem to enjoy it."
"But I've done it before. The first time is rarely good. Mine certainly wasn't. It usually hurts, especially if the other person isn't careful."
I leaned forward and kissed him. "I trust you."
"Are you sure?" He seemed like he was trying to talk me out of it.
"Look, if you don't want to, I'm fine doing what we've been doing. More than fine. It's been amazing."
"If this is what you want, I'm definitely up for it." His hand cupped my face; he stroked my earlobe. "But you have to tell me if you get uncomfortable, or you don't like it, or if it hurts too much. Don't suffer in silence to please me."
"Okay."
"Just remember to breathe. And relax."
I nodded.
Elian kissed my lips for a few minutes. He kissed my shoulder, then he kissed a trail down my back. He dug his hands into my muscles along the way, giving me a massage that sent tingles up and down my spine and across my scalp.
After some initial pressure and discomfort, Elian pressed against my back and brought his lips close to my ear. His breath was soft and warm against my cheek. He whispered, "Just breathe, Steven."
That's when I realized I'd been holding my breath. I released the air from my lungs and took a deep breath, gripping the sheets in my fists.
With that revelation, it got easier. It was never quite like I imagined it. I never got to the point where I lost myself in the feeling the way I thought I would, but I definitely found pleasure the more I got used to it.
Elian was sweet, just like with everything else we'd done, checking in to make sure I was alright the whole time.
And I found enjoyment in little things that didn't happen when our roles were reversed. I liked the way his hands held firm against my chest. The way he pressed his body against my back. The small kisses he placed between my shoulder blades and along my neck. I mostly enjoyed the fact that he seemed to enjoy it so much.
Afterwards, as we laid in bed, both of us sweaty and out of breath, he rolled over to face me, brushing his fingertips lightly across my face.
I stared up at the ceiling, briefly distracted by the fact that it was covered in hardwood, like a floor. I'd never really noticed that before. Was that new? It must've cost them a fortune.
"Steven?" His voice was so soft. It pulled me from my contemplation back to him.
I turned my eyes to meet his. "Huh?"
"Are you okay?" He laid his hand on my chest, over my pounding heart. "You seem kinda spacey."
"I'm fine."
"Talk to me." His hand drifted across my skin to trace the line of my collarbone.
I took a deep breath and rolled toward him, propping my head on my arm. "I'm fine. I promise."
"I know it can be weird the first time."
"I don't feel weird." I smiled to reassure him.
"Did you like it?"
"Sometimes. Most of the time. Not so much in the beginning."
"I tried to tell youâ"
I pushed forward to kiss him, stopping him short. When I broke away, he gave a small smile that didn't seem genuine.
"I think if I did it again, I might like it more. Now that I understand better. Knowing how it works is one thing, but experiencing it was a whole other deal."
"Okay." He sounded so unsure.
I wanted to make him feel better. It seemed like he was worried, but I didn't know how to tell him what was making me feel this unreal floaty-ness without telling him how I actually felt about him.
"We don't have to do that again, y'know?" He stroked my cheek. "I'm honestly kinda surprised you wanted to do it so soon."
"You're kinda ruining my buzz, baby." I reached up to hold his hand against my face. "I'm happy. I promise."
"I'm sorry. You're just being so... chill."
I sighed and turned my head into the pillow. I was going to have to tell. He was being too weird about it. "If I say something to you, do you promise you won't freak out on me, or assume that I'm high on serotonin or whatever it is?"
Wrinkles appeared across his forehead as he furrowed his dark brows. "Do you mean dopamine?"
"I don't know. I sucked at biology."
He cracked a smile, walking his fingers across my side. "Well, you aced anatomy."
I groaned and shook my head. "That was awful. So cringy."
"I'm sorry." He kissed me briefly. "What were you saying?"
"Something happened to me yesterday. A realization."
His beautiful hazel eyes scanned my face. "Good or bad?"
"It depends on your perspective, I suppose."
"And you're worried about what I'll think of this realization?" he asked.
"Sort of. I mean, well, yeah. Yes."
He brushed the hair off my forehead, staring into my eyes. "The only way you'll know is if you say it."
"But saying it could change how you feel about me."
The corner of Elian's mouth turned up. "I don't think it will."
I nodded. "I think it might."
He shook his head. "I disagree."
"And I disagree with your disagreement." All this back-and-forth was making me frustrated.
"Just spit it out, Steven."
"I think I'm in love with you." I blurted. At the exact same moment, Elian said, "I love you, too."
We both stared at each other. Me in blank-faced shock. Him beaming with delight.
"You love me?" I asked.
"You love me, too." he replied.
I couldn't speak. All this time, I'd worried he would think I was crazy or clingy for falling for him after a month of dating. I was afraid he'd think I only felt this way because he was my first. I never imagined he'd actually say it back.
I wondered if he could see my thoughts playing across my face, because he said it again, as if to reassure me. "I love you, Steven."
Those words sent tingles racing up my spine, as did his hand drifting up and down my side.
"When did you know?" I asked. "How did you know?"
"Sometimes you just know. And as for whenâ" Elian shook his head "âyou're gonna hate me for saying this, but it was our movie night. The one you keep calling 'the incident,' which frankly makes it seem a lot worse than it was."
"That made you fall in love with me?" I asked, incredulous.
"No, dummy." Elian rolled his eyes. His hand stopped moving, resting on my hip. "Not that. It was after that. When you fell asleep on me. I just stared at your face for so long. It must've been an hour because the movie had ended. And I just knew I was falling for you."
I had to kiss him for that. A proper kiss, not just some brief peck.
When he broke away, he asked, "When did you know?"
"I wanted to tell you yesterday at the fireworks, but I thought it was too soon after we slept together. And then you told me about your issue. I didn't want you to think I was doing it out of pity or to make you feel better."
"So when did you know?" he repeated impatiently.
"That night in the desert. Under the stars. Just laying there with you in total silence. I fell in love with you. I don't even know that I knew it at the time, but that's definitely the moment."
He smiled. "That's a good one."
A knock on the door jolted me out of our little bubble. I'd completely forgotten where we were. The only thing that mattered was me and Elian and the fact that we loved each other.
"Hey," Derek called through the door. "If you're almost done in there, we ordered pizza. You got five minutes before it arrives, so you better hurry up and get doing whatever you're gonna do."
Elian and I both burst out laughing.
"We're coming." I shouted.
"Well, it's about damn time." Derek said. "You've been in there long enough."
"That's not what I meant!"
"Whatever you say, Steve-O."
I heard his footsteps retreating across the hardwood floor.
When I looked at Elian, we both laughed again. I leaned over and kissed him fiercely.
Pulling back, I leaned my forehead against his. "I love you."
"I love you."