After watching TV for a bit, Elian turned his body to face me. He brought his knee up to his chest to hug his arms around his leg. "Can I ask you something?"
I also turned toward him. My rigidity problem faded with my mind occupied by the movie. "Sure."
"Were you telling the truth when you told me you're out?"
That was not where I thought this was going. I nodded vigorously. "Yes. Why would you ask that? Why would you even think that?"
He tapped his hand against his leg. "I knew someone once that wasn't out. We were kind of at the start of trying to explore our feelings for each other. But he wouldn't ever let me come to his house. Because his family didn't know. I kinda got the same feeling I used to get with him when you got weird about me picking you up tonight."
"Ah." I blew out a breath, slowly shaking my head. "That's not why I didn't want you to pick me up. My mom knows I'm gay. She was the first person I told."
The tension in his shoulders relaxed, but there was still something in his eyes. Something he was holding back. "Then, it really was just potholes?" He wrinkled his forehead, giving me a skeptical look.
I could tell he didn't believe that, so I said, "Not exactly."
"I know dating is new for you, so are you like embarrassed?"
"No!" I said forcefully. I didn't want him to think that. But that wasn't entirely true. "Well, yes. I was embarrassed. But not of you... us."
Realizing how that might sound, I quickly amended my statement: "This." I motioned between us.
"What are you embarrassed about?" he asked. "Is your mom some homophobic monster? Does she hate Mexicans?"
"No, no. Nothing like that. My mom is amazing. She actually tried to organize a road trip to Los Angeles for Pride once, but I had to squash her dreams because we didn't have the money."
I wiped a hand over my mouth and sighed. I just had to say it. "That's the thing. We don't have money. We live in a trailer. In a trailer park. One of our neighbors actually burned his trailer down because he was cooking meth in his kitchen. That's kind of the epitome of white trash."
"Do you think I'm so shallow that I'd care about something like that?"
I shrugged, moving my head from side-to-side absentmindedly. "It's not about you. I know you think I'm stupid, but it's how I feel."
"I don't think you're stupid, Steven." Elian inched closer to me, which I didn't think was possible, and reached out to hold my face in his hand. "I actually think you're amazing."
"Why?" I asked. If he wanted to get personal, I could too. "Why do you like me?"
"I told you, I think you're cute." He flashed that charming grin.
"Is that all?"
As much as I enjoyed hearing that from him, it wasn't like I'd never heard that before. Before I came out, girls used to flirt with me. One of them tried to get Derek to set me up with her. Also, my female friends throughout school said it enough times for me to believe it. Although, mostly in the context of reassuring me I would not die alone, if I could only make it to twentyâone-or procure a fake ID that claimed I wasâand get myself to that gay bar twenty miles down the highway.
Elian licked his lips. "I was here for two weeks before I met you, and I don't think I laughed or smiled once. Ever since that first day in the pharmacy, I can't seem to stop." As if to prove it, his lips stretched into a wide grin. "You have this aura about you; you make me feel happy whenever I'm around you."
"Do you think you'd still like me if I wasn't the only available gay guy in town?"
"One hundred percent," he said, without a moment's hesitation.
"How do you know?"
He tapped a finger on my chin. "You're kinda exactly my type."
"What is your type? Small town virgins?"
Elian laughed and massaged my shoulders, his eyes dipping down to examine me. "I like strong, sturdy men with broad shoulders that I can wrap my arms around and squeeze."
"Okay."
"Also, you have an ass that any guy would kill to have. On themselves, or on their partner."
That really set my face aflame.
"And that." He brushed his fingers across my cheek. "I love the way you go all red when I compliment you. Or even when I touch you."
So he had noticed my blushing issue.
Elian leaned forward, kissing me on the corner of my mouth. He shifted his weight and moved in again to kiss my lips. It was still just a basic kiss that required no effort on my part. I wished he would kiss me for real. I wanted the steamy, vigorous kissing I'd always imagined. The kind of kisses he gave me in my fantasies.
He pulled back to look into my eyes. "You don't seem to know this, so I'll let you in on a secret: you're very sexy, Steven."
My heart fluttered in my chest; my breathing stuttered. I decided to tell him how I felt. Nothing could change if he didn't know. "If you think I'm so sexy, then why do we kiss like fifth graders playing spin the bottle?"
"Uh, I-" He paused, a host of conflicting emotions playing across his face. "I just want to take things slow. Make sure you're comfortable."
"I appreciate that." I laid my hand on top of his. "But I never asked for you to go slow. I don't want you to just say that you think I'm sexy. I want you to show me."
He nodded, putting on an alluring smirk. "I can do that."
"Just let me know if I'm doing something wrong."
Elian shook his head, his brows forming a deep V. "It's not about right and wrong. If you think too much about the mechanics, you'll get in your head and it will be bad."
"How do you not think about it?"
"It's about feeling." He laid a hand on my chest. "Go with what feels natural to you."
I took a deep breath as his hand slid up to my neck. His thumb stroked the line of my jaw. Then he moved in for a kiss. It started out like the others. Just his lips against mine. Then his lips started to move. Intellectually, I knew this was how people kissed; I'd witnessed enough kisses in the hallways of my high school and plenty more in movies to know that much. The practice, however, was where I stumbled. I tried to match his pace and copy his movements, but it ended up being clumsy and awkward. I felt like an idiot.
He broke away, blowing a sharp gust of air through his nostrils. "Stop thinking, Steven."
I pressed my forehead against his and stared into his eyes. "Easier said than done, Elian."
"If you can't stop thinking, then try thinking about something other than what you're actually physically doing."
"Like what?" How could I not think about what I was doing, when what I was doing was kissing this gorgeous man who could light my skin on fire with just a look?
"You must have fantasies." Elian flashed a cocky grin. "Maybe even some about me."
I averted my gaze. All my fantasies were about him. That familiar blaze ignited in my cheeks.
"I thought so." He gave me a quick peck on the lips. "I've had some about you, too."
That took me by surprise. I don't know why. It was common sense. If he liked me, he would think about me. The shock quickly wore off, shifting to curiosity. "What kind of fantasies do you have about me?"
He shrugged. "Just basic stuff. What I want to do to you. What I want you to do to me. And, sometimes, I wonder just how far that blush of yours goes."
All of my breath escaped me as my dreams flashed through my mind.
He must've noticed my gasping, because he backed off. "If you aren't comfortable, please tell me."
"It's not that."
"Okay." He brushed my hair off my forehead, dragging his fingernails across my scalp. A million pinpricks shot through my veins. "But if that happens, just say the word, and we can stop."
I nodded. "I will."
"So, you wanna try it again?"
"Yeah."
It started off just as bumbling as before, but slowly I pushed my mind past the technicalities of what I was doing and focused more on the way he made me feel. The excitement of just being around him. The exhilaration of knowing I was going to see him. His hands grasping at me.
Finally, I relaxed into it, enjoying it. It became effortless, natural.
After a few minutes, just as I wished he'd push things further, he broke away. He took a deep breath and blew it out, almost making a whistle.
He gave me a thumbs up, which I thought was weird. "You're a fast learner."
"You're an excellent teacher." I grabbed the collar of his t-shirt, pulling him closer. "What else can you teach me?"
Elian let out a breathy laugh. He looked surprised by my question. His cheeks even went pink. It was nice to know I could make him blush, too. "I think we should stick to kissing for now."
"I was kidding about teaching me," I said plainly. "I think I can get the hang of most of it. It's pretty much just parts go places and you go from there."
"I mean, I guess that's basically it. But it's still a big deal, especially the emotional aspect of it."
"Maybe. But for me, that's not what I worried about. The kissing part was the hurdle I was afraid to... hurdle, I guess."
"Hurdling hurdles is redundant."
I shook my head. "Whatever. You know what I mean. Kissing just seemed like this ginormous monolithic thing that I built up in my mind. I guess because most people start young and they're bad at first, because they don't know anything. But that's okay because everyone else is also bad, and still learning. That's not so much the case when you're twenty-years-old."
"And now?" Elian asked. "How do you feel about it?"
I hooked my arm around his neck. "Now, I just want to kiss you until my lips go numb."
He gave me a small kiss. Then another. "I told you if you stop thinking it would be easier."
"I have a question."
"What?"
I felt stupid having to ask this, but I was curious. "What about tongue?"
"Right." His eyes darted around. "It's just like with the other stuff. Do what you feel. But, word of advice, less is more when you're starting out. It's like adding spices to food, you definitely want some, but if you use too much it's overpowering, or just gross." He made a face, and I suspected there was a story behind it.
"Hmm." I twisted my lips to the side. "I think you should give me an example."
The corners of Elian's mouth slowly lifted. "You do, huh?"
"Oh, yeah. I'm sure it would really help."
Elian chuckled as he kissed me. He started simply as we recaptured the rhythm we'd gotten into earlier. When his tongue glossed over my lip, it startled me a bit, even though I knew it was going to happen at some point.
His hand tangled into my hair. My heart beat picked up speed as I contemplated trying it. The idea was terrifying, but exhilarating at the same time.
The next time Elian tried to give me an example, I swept my tongue across his. I felt him tense for a second before he relaxed and leaned into me, going in for another try. Before long, I stopped worrying and just acted on impulse.
However, when impulse led my hand to slide up his thigh, he grabbed it and broke the kiss.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Let's not go there tonight, okay? How about we just keep it above the waist?"
I rolled my eyes, a bit frustrated. Even though I wanted this to keep progressing-his sweatpants couldn't conceal the fact that he was into it as well-I agreed.
I didn't get home that night until almost one in the morning. I wish I could say Elian and I had spent the entire time making out, but alas. We took a break after a couple hours and I offered to help him clean up the flooded kitchen. That took up much more time than I expected. After we finished, we were both exhausted. He kissed me goodnight at the door, and I went home to lock myself away in my room, summoning up all the scenarios I'd invented while kissing him. It was a good night.