Nishtha
"Nishtha can't have children, Yuvaan."
I froze.
How can she do this?
I had water in my eyes hearing her words.
"What do you mean she can't have children?" I heard Yuvaan ask.
"I don't know that, but I do know that an empire like yours needs an heir, which she can't provide. So I don't know what you're doing with her."
I was streaming with tears.
I saw Yuvaan's jaw clench, "That's enough. Since I have met you, you've been rude to my wife and I will not stand for it. I don't know what she's done to you but it can be handled in a civil way, not by this way, where you bash her in front of her own husband and family. Additionally, this was not your right to expose such a deep secret of hers."
"Yuvaan, she didn't even tell you such a big deal about her life which can concern you."
"She probably had a reason. Why would she tell me this when I'm the reason she had that partial coma? My family is the reason she had to go through so much so if anything, we deserve this punishment of not having our heir go forward."
"Your fault? I don't understand."
"That's not for you to know, it's a family matter so go ahead and spread all the rumors that you want to about what might have happened, but those who are responsible for my wife's pain and suffering are now suffering - including me."
"You don't need to suffer. She probably deserved it."
"HEAR YOURSELF." He whisper - yelled, "I don't need to suffer and she does?! Do you have your own kids or not? How horrible are you? I'm sick of talking to you. Don't try to pry into my life and my wife's life. Stay out of it or I'll make sure you do, and about Nishtha's children story, I'll see to it that you know exactly how it feels when someone reveals a secret of yours without your knowledge. Her not telling me is her decision and I know she had a reason behind it. I know she'll tell me when she seems fit. So now, you need to back off." He said and left.
I turned and faced the wall and held my hand in my hand, tears pouring down my face.
"Nishtha?!" I heard Aai call me. I fixed my face and went outside.
"Well, see you Nishtha." I heard Aunty say to me. I couldn't even see her in the same way again and I wanted to just punch her face. I just smiled at her and nodded and they left.
Once they left, I needed to go home. I needed time to process everything, so I went to the hall, where they were, "Aai Baba, we'll leave now."
"So quickly? Stay na!" Baba said.
"Baba, I have work tomorrow, and so does he, so we'll have to head back now."
"I know. Yes." Aai said and Yuvaan got up.
We bid them a goodbye and went downstairs and got into the car. It was a silent ride home. I was scared that Yuvaan will treat me very very differently now that he knows my secret.
I was scared to even ask him about it.
We reached home and I went my room, and closed the door and cried. Very much cried. I changed into shorts and a loose tshirt and tried to take a warm shower, but that didn't help.
I felt violated and wronged - again.
What would I do if the others find out about it?
How would I handle that?
Will they still accept me knowing this?t
I didn't know what to do so I called Aai and told her everything, of how I had warned her about this family friend and how she spread it to Yuvaan. Aai had tears in her eyes - I could hear it from the phone, but I tried to be strong and ask for advice.
"What do I do?" I asked.
"Tell him the truth." She said, "Do it."
"What? I.... I don't know ifâ"
"If he'll stay with you after that?" Aai said.
"Yeah."
"Then it's your fate beta. He deserves to know and we should have told him before you guys got married. He found out through someone else and that's not right. Tell him." I cut the call.
Do I need to?
Do I even want kids with him?
Don't lie to yourself Nishtha.
You wouldn't have kids with anyone else.
I took a deep breath and went to his room and knocked on the door, fearing the worst. It was silent first. I got no reply.
Did he sleep?
I knocked again and waited. No reply.
I was about to leave but the door opened and I saw him standing there, his hair wet and him only in his track pants.
Wow he looked good.
Focus, Nishtha.
"What's wrong?" He asked.
I wasn't able to gauge his emotions.
"I wanted to talk to you. If you don't mind." I said and he opened the door more, indicating me to come in. I did and stood inside.
He closed the door and looked at me, "Sit." He said and sat on the bed, I sat as well.
He looked scary. I was very afraid.
"I...." I tried to speak, "I wanted to... tell you something."
He hummed, "Yes?"
Here it goes.
I looked at him, and turned to him, "I know that you might feel very betrayed after hearing this and.... But, I need to tell you this. Yuvaan I, I overheard you talking to Savitri Aunty and..."
I saw his face change, I was a bit scared to even talk to him about this, but I had to.
"Yuvaan," I said, sighing, what you heard is... it's correct. Not entirely, but it is."
"What?" He asked me.
"It's true that the partial coma I had affected my ability to have children, but the science of it is not something which anyone except Aai and Baba and Neel knows."
"What is the truth?" He asked.
"W..When I was on the medications, I was put on medicines which affected my period cycle. It's supposed to be monthly but... the medicines has affected it in a way in which I only get my period once every 3/4 months. The... the egg count in my body has not decreased but my fertility cycle has decreased, which is why she said I can't have children. I'm sorry for not telling you sooner. I know that you had the right to know, but I didn't because our marriage is a contract marriage and I knew that you would eventually leave me and so kids was out of the question so I didn't feel the need toâ"
I was cut off by Yuvaan engulfing me in a hug. His arms came around my waist as he tightened his hold on me, I could feel him sigh against the crook of my neck. He stroked my hair as I sat there frozen his reaction.
He then let go and held my hand in his, and looked at me in the eye, "I'm so sorry for this. I know I deserve nothing but for my act to have this much of a consequence, to stripping you off such a blessing. I'll never be able to forgive myself."
I could see tears in his eyes.
"Hey." I said, cupping his head, "It's... it's done now. Don't say sorry... I.."
"You don't even have the words to console me Nishtha, you also know how screwed up this is. You know I screwed up so much." He got up and sat down on the floor, his head in his hand.
I got on the floor as well and sat near him, "It's not like this can change now. It's alright."
"It's alright? It's alright that my wife is so broken that she doesn't even want to talk to me, she can't even have children because of something I did. I want to bloody kill myâ"
I covered his mouth, and looked at him, "Don't say that again."
He looked at me, "You're a God gift. I mistreated a God's gift. This is what I deserve. I don't deserve to watch my bloodline grow. I don't deserve that I get to have a girl who calls me Dad when I couldn't even treat her Mom right. I couldn't be a good boyfriend, friend or husband to you.... I can never be a good dad."
I had tears in my eyes too.
It was now, in this moment, when I couldn't keep my guard up anymore. I knew he's the man I have always loved and his actions since he found out have shown me enough that he isn't going to do this again.
I sat next to him, closer, and held his hand, "I think you'll be an amazing dad, it's just that, it might not be with me, but hey, the contract will end soon and then you can marry someone else and you'llâ"
"Nishtha." He said, "Shut up. You very well know that I'm not going to end this stupid bloody contract, which shouldn't have been made in the first place. You really think I will do this to you? I'll leave you with a pain of a lifetime and then throw you away and settle with my own family. Just shut up."
"Yuvaan, I can't have children, I'm off no use to you." I said, "It's fun now but laterâ"
"I don't care if I can't have kids. It's you who I can't lose. I don't care. I don't care Nishtha. We'll buy 6 dogs, we'll raise them. They'll be our children. I don't want children Nishtha, I want you." He looked at me.
I looked at him and felt myself falling for those eyes again. I am falling for him again.
"Nishtha...." He said coming closer, "I am so so sorry for all the shit I've put you through. I don't deserve you, but.... I'm not letting you go. I'll be the man you deserve. I don't care about anything else."
I looked at him with tears in my eyes. I put my hand in his and gave him a small smile.
"I'm sorry Nishu. I'm really sorry. How can I make this better? Tell me what I can do? I try to do something and I end up hurting you more. I want you to win, I want us to win and I keep doing the opposite." He said, looking down, "I don't know what to do Nishu. I don't know what to do."
"Don't do anything. Just... be genuine. Be honest about what you think and feel."
He looked at me and held my hand, "What? I... I'll be honest. I want you Nishu. I'm sorry for everything that's happened and I know that I've given you damage which probably can't be fixed, but you know I will accept you as you are, even if you can't see or talk or whatever I don't care."
I looked at him in awe.
"I don't care if you can't have kids and if you think that this contract is ending then you're wrong. You can hate me all your life but I will never leave you. I'm sorry."
"You... you aren't bothered about not having children?"
"Nishtha, I want you, not kids. Yes, kids would have been a blessing.... But having kids with someone I don't love isn't worth it. I want kids with you. I want to grow old with you."
I looked at him, admiring him.
We stayed silent for a bit, until he got up, put something on his phone and then came back to sit next to me, on the floor.
"Aren't you mad that I didn't tell you?"
"No. I wouldn't have expected you to tell me. I'm the reason this happened, why would you?"
"What about your parents?"
"They love you, we all want you, kids is just an added bonus, and who says we can't have kids, we can adopt. We will."
I stared in awe.
I need to processes this.
I got up and looked at him, "I need to go. I'm sleeping, goodnight."
I was about to leave when he pulled me back and my back collided with his chest. He kissed my cheek from behind, "I love you Nishtha."
My mind spiraled.
I haven't heard that in years.
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