my girlfriend told me she thought i was cool before she got to know me
(we were up later than usual. i had a blunt between my lips. its winter, but ive never felt warmer)
i asked her why
i thought maybe she'd say something like
(your clothes are cool)
or
(youre mysterious. you're mean. nobody can get close to you even if they wanted to)
maybe she'd say its because she could smell weed on my jacket.
but she didnt.
she said
(you go against the grain. you like weird art and have cool hobbies. you know a lot. you speak loudly and freely. you dont care what anyone says or thinks of you. you dress differently and you make art in everything.)
that surprised me.
(i didnt know she watched that intently)
i always thought i was the only one who noticed things that devotedly
(i spent a lot of time noticing her)
her flannels and her freckles and how her hair had grown out off its undercut. i could always tell when it was her laughing, and i knew her backpack by heart, with the little blue spray paint stain. whenever she lost her phone i was always the one to find it. i noticed the days she didn't have that spark in her eyes. i always noticed the way she played with her fingers while she sat still.
i had no idea she was analyzing me the way i was analyzing her.
(what a beautiful form of art we get to be)