was it fair?
you dressed like a lamb, but you smelled of fox. i chose not to notice.
and was it fair, do you think it was right?
you were so much older than me.
and those drunken nights on my roof were some of the best nights ive ever had.
but was it fair?
i was a child. you were graduating in the spring.
you held me down. you held my throat so i couldnt scream.
my sister was crying in the next bed over. my parents room was down the hall. i could smell the mashed potatoes even from there.
was it fair?
you gave me a child and made me kill it.
stargazer lilies dont bloom in april, not since your depart.
they havent looked the same since i found out the truth.
was it fair? im not sure.
i was never a pleasant person. my hands were always blistered and i tracked dirt into the house. i would ignore my mother when she called me in for dinner and i didnt know how to comfort my sister when she cried.
i lashed out and fought other kids, burned holes in my skin with my mothers cigarette butts. told people lies so someone might care for my tired, aching heart. i told you i loved you.
maybe that was my punishment.
but i picked worms off the sidewalk and put them in the grass after a storm. i would leave food for the stray cats. i would grieve for the ladybugs that died on the living room window sill and the squirrels that didnt live to cross the road.
i talked to the moon and begged you to live. i cried at your feet when you took that first sip of booze. i played on your phone and talked to your friends and fed the dogs scraps of sausage and bacon.
was it fair?
maybe you were my punishment.
that would be fitting for someone like me. im angry and bitter with a pain in my throat. someone like me deserves a punishment like you.
or maybe you were a warning.
a warning at first, but i didnt listen, didnt care.
i was cared for, and it was sickeningly warm pooling in my throat. sickeningly warm and sickeningly sweet.
it was addictive, it was so addictive that i didnt care about the 'wrong way' sign above your head. for a moment, i had no worries, no fear, no regret.
for a moment, i was full, my mind dulled its weary ache, and there were arms wrapped around my shoulders.
maybe this was the punishment.
maybe this is what i deserved.
but is it fair?