the sky was pink and yellow yesterday morning. it was cold. the breeze bit at my nose and at my cheeks.
i plucked a sprig of lavender, just to be able to breathe in his smell after a long morning.
i check my phone almost every other minute; i dont know what im expecting.
its november, and hes been gone for two months now. i spend most of my time asleep, because maybe tonight is when he'll visit me.
i walk to the edge of the beach and sit in the ice cold water. little fish dart by me with curiosity, maybe ill be where they get their next meal. i offer the peeled skin of my fingertips.
i whisper prayers to the moon when i see her, i beg her to kill me too, let me see him again, let me wrap my warm arms around his cold body. She never says anything, she never has.
my room is a mess. theres a smell of smoke and bandaid wrappers in the top of the trash. my breath smells of vodka, i can taste it on my tongue. i wish i could feel my hands.
im beginning to starve. my ribs peek over my skin. i bite at any hand that tries to feed me.
im so lonely, im so sick, im so tired.
i opened my heart for him. i tore apart my chest and pushed my ribs aside and ripped my heart from its cage.
he held it and didnt care about my blood all over his fingers and staining his carpet. he kissed my heart tenderly and opened his arms as a safe place to rest.
for a few short months i could sleep soundly.
for a few short months i was safe and i was really, really loved.
i wish i could scream. i wish i could scream and cry and tear my hair out.
but i cant. so i wont.
isnt it so horrible? that someone who is loved so terribly can be yanked away so suddenly, so permanently.
it reminds me of my mother taking my favorite stuffed animal as a child.
i feel just like a child again, crying for mommy to save me.
she cant even save herself.
i cant either.
just like i cant save myself.
just like i couldnt save him.