Chapter 23

As soon as our camp is packed up, we begin hiking southward with speed. We decide amongst ourselves to try to make it as close to Torville as we can before growing too tired. The sun sets rapidly in the horizon, and the air, already cold, grows even more chilly. My lantern trembles in my hand as I shiver. Each time I hold it out into the distance, I worry my mother and sister will emerge from the shadows of the woods.

We maintain strict silence as we walk, not wanting to draw any attention to ourselves. Asteria remains in the middle of the group, with guards stationed at the front and back of our party. I walk directly in front of her and cannot help but turn back to look at her a few times during our journey. She appears as frightened as me. I almost wish to reach my hand out behind me for her to grab onto, but Alba's arm is already wrapped around the princess's shoulder in a gesture of solace. I feel envious suddenly that Alba can fill the void of a mother's love in Asteria's life while I am instead fleeing from the mother who I'm frightened might kill me if she gets the chance.

Besides me, Vasa's teeth chatter. "It would be nice to be back in Arabelle's cottage right now," he murmurs.

"Keep quiet," Kesuk hisses back, though he lowers his voice and adds, "I would like that too." He may not visibly tremble like the rest of us, but his cheeks are flushed from the cold.

I dreamily think of a warm house to keep my mind off my mother and sister potentially pursuing us, and that vision calms me for a while.

We travel for a few hours, even after the sun sets. We stop briefly once after Arabelle complains about being too hungry to continue. As annoyed as I am, I find a small snack gives me the strength to keep going, though I am too anxious to let us linger long. Everyone's energies wear down as we continue on. I grow exhausted, with my eyes threatening to droop the longer we travel. Normally, I would be curled up in my sleeping bag by now. Judging by the other's yawns, they feel similarly.

Finally, Kesuk brings us to a halt in a small clearing. "I think we've gone far enough. We should make camp for the night," he says.

"Are you sure?" I ask. "Shouldn't we keep going? What if my mother and sister pursued us?"

Asteria's guard speaks up. "I've been stationed in the back and have not heard any footsteps. We would know if we were being followed."

"We're all getting tired," Kesuk says. "We can move closer to Torville tomorrow, but for now, we should rest. We'll have people take watch tonight."

"I volunteer," I say.

Vasa turns to me in concern. "Fetia, you look about ready to fall asleep."

"I won't sleep tonight knowing my mother and sister are out there," I argue.

"Then, I'll volunteer with Fetia," Vasa says.

"All right. Let's only set up the tents for those who are sleeping tonight," Kesuk says, and he and the others get to work. Meanwhile, Vasa and I scavenge some firewood. I am comforted by the sounds of crickets and frogs, knowing their songs would grow quiet with approaching footsteps. However, I still manage to flinch at every shadow, enough so that Vasa tells me to go back to camp and wait for his return.

I lay out my sleeping bag and grab for a thin blanket in my bag. I wrap it tightly around me and sit on the mat, holding my arms to my body as I shiver. The others are already heading in for the night, leaving me alone in the center of camp. Thankfully, Vasa does not take too long to return with the firewood, and as he sits beside me to get the fire going, I watch the others' lanterns go out one by one.

Vasa gets the fire going, and we hover close, trying to warm our bodies as best as we can. Suddenly, I feel something damp on my cheek. I glance up, and in the sky, snow begins to trail down. I groan in frustration.

"It's not sticking, at least," Vasa says. He chuckles a bit to himself. "Perhaps we were not the best individuals to keep watch on a cold winter night."

My teeth chatter as I respond. "A-At least y-you had t-training in Kilneu," I say. I scoot as close to the fire as I can without burning myself. It eases the cold slightly.

"If you need to get into your sleeping bag to keep warm—"

"N-no! I'll fall asleep," I argue. Now that the warmth of the fire is beginning to reach me, I can feel my eyes growing droopy once more.

"Fetia, there's nothing wrong with waking someone else up to get some rest. Truthfully, I do not think you're going to last the night," Vasa says.

"No. If I go rest, then—"

"Your mother and sister will appear?" Vasa asks.

I nod slowly.

"I know it's hard to believe, but I think we are safe for right now. Did you see them pursue you directly after they saw you?"

"No, but I took off as quickly as I could. Besides, I fear that no one else may recognize them."

"You forget I know what Arihi and Kiana look like, too, Fetia. I saw them in town all the time," Vasa argues.

His words give me some peace, but I still do not feel I can heed Vasa's advice.

"Well, I cannot wake anyone up now. I am sure everyone has fallen asleep. It would be rude," I say. "I think as long as I can get some rest around dawn—"

Behind me, I hear the sound of a tent being unzipped. Light floods into the area, and I turn my body, finding Alba approaching ith a latern. She glances up as snow twirls down from the sky.

"I cannot take the sound of you two bickering anymore. It's giving me a headache," Alba says. "Fetia, go get some rest. I'm having trouble sleeping, so I don't mind taking watch."

"But—"

"I insist," Alba says.

"But I did not set up my tent for the night," I argue. "It will be hard to do so now and not wake the others, and we should not be making any loud noises—"

"Take my spot," Alba offers.

I gulp at the suggestion, knowing what that means. I would be sharing a tent with Asteria.

"N-No. I could not possibly—"

"Fetia, seriously. Go get some rest. Alba and I will be fine on our own," Vasa urges. I begin to suspect that if I do not agree, both Vasa and Alba are going to physically carry me into the tent.

I sigh in defeat and grab some of my nighttime belongings from my bag. Then, I rise shakily and and turn towards the tent.

"There are some extra blankets in there," Alba says as I leave. "Help yourself to them."

I nod. I borrow Alba's lantern and approach the tent slowly, fearing what Asteria will say when she sees me enter. Thankfully, as I enter into the tent, Asteria is already asleep. I tiptoe over her still form towards the side Alba was sleeping on and change quickly under the lantern light into something more comfortable. I move Alba's sleeping bag as far as I can from Asteria, then crawl inside, finding immediate solace in its warmth. I lean towards the lantern to turn it off.

"I don't bite, you know," Asteria says.

I jump and glance over, seeing she has turned her body to face me. The warm glow of the lantern on Asteria's face conveys her tiredness. She appears just as exhausted as me. It hurts to see that sleep has not claimed her yet.

"I-I'm sorry. Did I wake you?" I ask. "I was trying to be as quiet as possible."

"No. I was already awake," Asteria says.

"Oh." I lean forward to turn the lantern off once more, but Asteria speaks up.

"We used to share a bed together nearly every night," she says quietly.

"Yes. I remember."

"So, why is it so difficult for you to want to sleep near me now?" Asteria asks.

"A lot has changed," I murmur.

"Have your feelings?" Asteria asks, bringing our argument back to circulation again.

I let out a long sigh. "There is too much going on right now for me to think about romance, especially tonight. Please, can we forget this argument for now? Or at least for tonight? We both deserve some rest."

Asteria huffs and turns over. "Fine," she says.

I grumble and turn off the light. "Good night," I say.

She says nothing, and though I yearn to remain awake in anger,  sleep claims me quickly.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

It cannot be more than a few hours later when I awake once more, except this time, my body is shivering profusely. Somehow the temperature must have dropped even more in the hours I've slept. I toss and turn in Alba's sleeping bag, trying to see if I can find a position that allows me more warmth, but my efforts are futile. I remember then that Alba mentioned blankets. I sit up, reaching out for them. However, the blankets that were once at the end of my sleeping bag are now gone. Alba must have grabbed them while I slept. Through the cracks in the tent, I can see her and Vasa seated out by the fire, evidently still awake. I cannot make out what they are saying, but their tones don't resemble their typical bickering. My heart calms knowing that we have not been disturbed.

As I lie back down, I wait for sleep to claim me again, but my body trembles and my teeth chatter from the winter cold. I stiffen as I hear Asteria begin to toss and turn beside me.

"Fetia, are you awake?" Asteria whispers.

I say nothing, trying my best to feign sleep.

"I can hear you shaking," Asteria says. "Are you cold?"

"N-No," I say though my chattering teeth betraying my words.

"Really?" Asteria responds. "Because I am freezing, and considering you grew up in a warmer climate than me, I can only imagine that this weather must feel even worse for you."

"I am fine," I argue. "I grew used to this weather in Kilneu."

Asteria pauses for a moment. "Say what you will, but if it would aid both of us in sleeping, then why don't you come and sleep closer here to me? My sleeping bag might be able to fit two if we loosen the zipper a bit."

"No," I say automatically. "I'm quite comfortable in here." I regret saying the words as soon as they leave my mouth. Another violent shiver runs through me.

"Will you quit being proud for once?!" Asteria exclaims, loud enough that I fear Alba and Kesuk may hear her. "I'm not suggesting we rekindle old feelings. However, I think it would do us some good to preserve our warmth and get some rest before travelling again tomorrow. Wouldn't you agree?"

I linger in the silence for a few moments. Every part of my brain screams no. I cannot risk getting close to Asteria again, not when I hurt her. She has every reason to hate me, and I fear the closer we grow, the harder it will be to resist her. However, I turn and look at her, and I think how warm her arms must feel and how it has been so long since I have felt her body pressed up close to mine in sleep. In the chaos and exhaustion of the evening, I find myself giving in.

"Fine," I say. I think I can see the slightest curl of her lips in the darkness, and I hope she does not see the smile that grows on my face too.

Asteria zips her sleeping bag open some and adusts the blanket draped over her as I crawl closer. I draw nearer to her slowly, until our skin is barely brushing, and then she pulls me towards her and encircles me with her arms. I find my body greets hers so naturally. I wrap my arm around her torso and intertwine her legs with my own, bringing her as close to me as I can. My head nestles underneath her neck and against her chest, where I can hear the soft sound of her beating heart.

"You're freezing," she says. Her hands rub gently up and down my back as she attempts to bring warmth back to my body, and my shivers slowly begin to cease. I sigh in content.

"Feeling better?" Asteria asks.

"Yes," I murmur. We lie there for a little while, until I gather the courage to look up at Asteria. "I'm sorry."

Asteria glances down at me. "What?"

"It does not make up for all that I have done to you, but I am sorry for hurting you," I say. "I'm sorry that Zofia is dead, I'm sorry I almost killed you myself..." Tears begin to spring to my eyes, and I find my voice drawling off as I begin to cry.

"Sh," Asteria says, gently wiping tears from my eyes. "Fetia, it's okay. Now is not the time to talk about this."

"And I am sorry that I cannot return your feelings right now," I say, ignoring her words. "It is not about you. Really, there is too much going on. I just cannot stand to keep being short-tempered and ignoring each other. I can only follow through with this plan if you are beside me. I do not want us to resent each other."

Asteria's fingers begin to twirl through my hair, and I find myself staring deeply into her eyes as we hold each other. How easy it would be to lean up and touch my lips to hers, but it would betray all I have just vocalized.

"Thank you for saying that. I'm sorry, too. I need to respect the relationship you want for now. It is hard to keep my personal feelings separate. And I apologize if my distance bothered you. I needed space."

"No. That's all right. You are allowed to be upset with me," I say.

"I meant what I said when I first reunited with you. I do forgive you. This week just managed to provoke some old wounds. And I believe what you said too, that you still want to protect me. I still want to protect you however I can, too."

"Thank you," I say, drawing her a bit closer to me. "Can we return to being friends? I can't bear arguing with you anymore."

"Of course," Asteria says. "But rest for now, okay?"

I nod and press my head into her chest. I feel calm and warm now with her body pressed against mine. I almost wish I would not fall asleep so our quiet moment together could last longer. As Asteria's fingers thread through my hair, sleep comes to me easier than it has in a long time.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───

In the morning, I wake to the sound of the tent opening. I groggily open my eyes, finding my body still curled tightly around Asteria. She sleeps soundly, her chest rising and falling slowly with calmness. I sink deeper into her, no longer caring about whatever promises I made to myself about wanting distance from her. I hold her tightly to me and find myself absentmindedly stroking her back. She makes murmurs in her sleep and turns her body more towards me so I can embrace her tighter.

A voice pulls me out of my haze. "Fetia?"

My eyes immediately open, and I move my body up, seeing Vasa at the tent's entrance. He appears embarrassed, and I realize suddenly that there is no way he has not noticed the way we were embracing in our sleep. Even now, Asteria's arm is still wrapped loosely around my torso. I scramble for something to say, some believable excuse, but Vasa speaks up again.

"Um. Would you be willing to keep watch now? I'm growing pretty tired. I just woke Kesuk up, so he can join you. Alba's going to sleep too after she returns from fetching some water."

"Oh. Yes. Of course," I say, his words barely registering in my head. "I'll be out in a few moments. I...just need to grab my belongings."

Vasa nods. "Right." He disappears quickly, and my face feels burning hot with embarrassment.

Beneath me, Asteria begins to stir. "Is it morning?" she murmurs, pulling me back down beside her.

"It's dawn, but you can sleep longer," I say. "Vasa wants to go to sleep, so I'm going to take his place."

Asteria makes a small whine of protest and strengthens her grip around me. I wonder if in her half-asleep state, she thinks we are back in Esterpool, sharing her bed once more. I wish I could tell her that I hate ending this moment too. Selfishly, I long to sleep beside her every night again.  It will be hard returning to sleeping alone after relearning what it was like to sleep beside her after so many months apart.

"I know," I say. Slowly, I entangle myself from her arms, much to my dismay. I cannot help then but lean down and press my lips to her forehead. "Thank you. Keep resting."

Asteria's hand just briefly reaches for my own. She rubs my palm a few times, then lets go. Immediately, she turns on her side and falls back asleep. Meanwhile, I change back into my clothes from the evening before and hesitantly exit the tent. Memories of the evening play back in my head. I am happy our argument is now resolved, but I fear I did not do as good of a job as setting boundaries as I wished.

Kesuk is awake, beginning to tend to the fire. Alba lays down two buckets of water near the fire's edge and waves to me as I approach.

"Good morning, Fetia. Are you well rested?" she asks.

I stiffen, wondering suddenly if she knows what happened last night, too. It is not a question I want to know the answer to, so I only nod and thank her for allowing me to use her space.

"I am going to get some much-needed rest, then," Alba says, walking past me back towards the tent. I look back at it wistfully, wishing I could be back out there than in the winter air again. At the very least, no snow stuck, and the sun is shining this morning.

"No problems last night?" Kesuk asks Vasa.

Vasa shakes his head. "Quiet as could be." His gaze avoids my own, and I bite down nervously on my lip. I had hoped Vasa would be dumb enough to not think much of finding Asteria and I asleep in each other's arms this morning.

"Thanks for staying up. Go get some rest," I urge him.

He nods and takes a few steps, then hesitates. I hold my breath.

"Actually, Fetia, would you mind coming with me to grab some more firewood? I'm tired, but I know we need some more," Vasa says.

"I can handle it on my own," I say.

"I'd rather you come with me."

Kesuk glances between us curiously. I know the longer I resist, the more chances there are of Vasa sharing what he witnessed to Kesuk as well.

"I...I'll go with you," I say. I rub my hands together nervously as we walk farther into the forest. A foolish part of me hopes that we are merely doing what Vasa says – collecting firewood, but when we are a few dozen paces away from camp, Vasa turns to me in clear confusion.

"So...this morning?" he asks.

"What do you mean?" I ask, hoping that playing dumb will work.

Unfortunately, it seems Vasa's mind has grown sharper in the months we have worked together.

"I don't think I'm misremembering what I saw," Vasa says. "Kesuk and I have wondered for a while about your relationship with the princess. Alba and I even spoke last night while everyone slept. She says you two appear to have shared a special bond from the moment you arrived in Esterpool, but she did not reveal the true extent of it. Perhaps she doesn't know herself. You've kept secrets from me and Kesuk before about your time in Esterpool. I'll ask again. Is there more you are not sharing?"

I shuffle in place, wanting suddenly to flee into the woods. However, I know I can not hide it any longer. This truth has needed to be revealed for a long time. I just hope Asteria can forgive me for being honest.

"The princess and I had a love affair in Esterpool," I say quietly.

Vasa glances up, shocked by my words. He holds his head to his hand and leans against a nearby tree trunk for support. "Heavens," he murmurs.

"What? Did you think I was going to say something else?" I ask.

"No. I...I don't know. Maybe I did think there was something else, or that you would try to deny it," Vasa says. He begins rambling to himself now."I'm truly an idiot. I mean, I knew I did not stand a chance with you in Tetoa, but now I realize I really did not stand a chance."

I cannot help but chuckle some at his words, then my tone grows serious again. "I'm sorry for hiding the truth. But I did not feel ready to share it, and as far as I know, Asteria has not told anyone either. Her father was opposed to such unions, and so we did our best to keep it secretive. And, if my mother ever found out, then...I do not want to know the end result. I promise you that we have not rekindled that affair since she has returned."

"Well, that seems to be going well," Vasa teases.

"We were cold!" I argue. "I...I cannot deny I still love her, okay? But I want to focus on the coup for now."

"Ah, have you finally admitted to it?"

I jump. The bushes part, revealing Kesuk with a wry smile on his face.

"How much did you overhear?" I ask.

"A fair amount," Kesuk responds. "I'm not surprised. I long suspected."

"For how long?!"

"Since we were in Kilneu. Your protectiveness of the princess was damning. I knew you could not want to protect a Magnuvian royal that much if there were not some personal feelings involved, and once Asteria returned, it was all but confirmed," Kesuk says.

"And you didn't think to tell me?" Vasa asks.

"I thought you would be clever enough to figure it out. Evidently something else led you to discover it," Kesuk says with a snicker. "Anyway, what prompted this confession?"

Both Vasa and I linger in silence a few moments.

"Vasa woke me up this morning to find the princess and I sharing her sleeping bag together," I murmur. "But nothing happened! We were both cold last night."

"And yet, I'm willing to bet if Vasa or myself offered to do the same, you'd immediately turn us down," Kesuk says.

"Yes," I respond without a second thought.

They both chuckle.

"You are not disgusted by me?" I ask, frightened suddenly. "I know there are some in the empire who dislike same sex couples, the late king included. I've been worried what you would think of someone like me."

"Disgusted? Not at all," Kesuk says. Vasa nods vehemently beside him.

"Although, the woman you chose..." Vasa's voice drawls off.

"I know," I say. "I battled with my love for her for a long time while I was in Esterpool. I love the princess though, and I think she has good intentions. I know it is hard to ask you two to trust her, but believe me, I would not still love her if I did not think she had a lot of good to share with the world. I apologize too for the bias I have shown for her recently. There were some...complicated feelings involved."

"I cannot say I'm thrilled, but we'll do our best to trust her," Kesuk says. "She has shown loyalty thus far."

"Thank you. And please, don't repeat what I've said, especially that I still love her. I've been trying to keep us distanced while we focus on the mission. If she knew the true extent of my feelings..."

Kesuk eyes me strangely.

"What?" I ask.

"If what you say is true and Vasa discovered you two embracing, do you not think she knows that?"

"It was freezing!" I argue.

"Fine, fine. I will keep my mouth shut," Kesuk says.

"Me too," Vasa agrees.

"At least it appears you two are finally back on good terms," Kesuk says.

"I think so," I confirm, though hesitancy rings in my voice. In theory, we have, but I no doubt confused her more by my actions. I suppose only time will tell how our relationship stands.

"Well, I need some sleep," Vasa says. "Kesuk, you better not come cuddle with me because you're cold."

"I am tempted," Kesuk says.

"Stop," I groan, ignoring their teasing words as we return to camp. I feel a bit lighter in my steps. The weight of the secret that I have carried since finding Kesuk and Vasa in Kilneu has finally been lifted.

Vasa turns in to sleep for a few hours before we take off again. Meanwhile, I cook breakfast with Kesuk and admire the calm morning. The air is beginning to warm, and I am hopeful there will be no snow falling tonight.

"We'll head south once Vasa and Alba get some rest," Kesuk says. "I know you are anxious to get to Torville."

I blink. Surprisingly, the threat of my mother and sister barely hangs over me. I expect Kesuk's reminder to jolt me back into a state of anxiety, but I feel rather peaceful and well-rested.

"That sounds good. I'm glad we weren't pursued," I say. "I've been dreading any reunion with my family."

Though calm moments before, my heart races as I hear footsteps behind me. I turn, seeing Asteria emerge from her tent. Her hair is slightly unkempt, but her face appears content. A blanket is wrapped tightly around her body as she walks toward us. I open my mouth, but words fail to come out. Kesuk's quiet snickering does not help.

"Good morning," I finally manage.

"Hm, fire's getting low," Kesuk says. "I need to grab another log. Keep an eye on breakfast, won't you?" Kesuk asks.

I nod, silently thanking him with my expression as Asteria takes a seat beside me. Quietly, I stir our morning porridge and listen to the crackling of the fire and songbirds that chirp with the rising sun. I begin to speak up to ask Asteria how she slept, but she speaks up at the same time. We both pause, then take a moment to compose ourselves.

"Um, did you sleep well last night?" I ask.

Asteria nods. "Yes. Better than I have in a long time."

"Me too," I murmur. "I'm glad the weather is warming up some today. Hopefully tonight won't be as cold."

Asteria nods, but I can sense my words have disappointed her. I struggle with what to say. By all means, we have made up, but this is a new awkwardness, one that I only recall feeling when she nursed me back to health after the maids attacked me. It is an odd feeling to relive.

"Thanks for keeping me warm," I murmur.

Asteria's eyes widen in surprise. I wonder if she thought I was going to keep the subject removed from our conversation altogether.

"Of course. Same to you. You slept better last night...after?"

I nod.

Asteria wraps her blanket a little more tightly around her body. "So...Torville. I wonder what it will be like."

My heart sinks at the change in subject, but I know it is best we move on and focus on business for now. "At the very least, I hope it puts more distance between myself and my family," I say. "But at most, I hope we gain more allies."

"That is my hope, too," Asteria says with a smile.

Her fingers stretch out, just gently brushing against mine – a silent test of affection.  For the first time in a while, I do not recoil. I let my fingers intertwine with hers, and we sit silently like that for a little while longer, allowing our hands to remain clasped until we are forced to let go.