Chapter 3 - A Stranger At The Door

Eric’s head pounded when he was awoken by the sounds of explosions. This was not uncommon in the city of Porkhaven, as it had the densest population of magic-wielding lunatics in all Fen-Tessai. They were usually throwing poorly aimed fireballs or messing up some experiment or other.

The explosions faded into a light tapping. He ignored the sound and rolled over, pulling the tattered bedsheet over his head, but it wasn’t long before the noise became a constant banging.

Eric muttered, stood up and rubbed his temples. A jabbing pain blasted through his skull. How much did he drink last night? He’d got carried away. Now he wouldn’t be able to afford another drink for at least a few weeks. What was he supposed to do to pass the time now?

He pulled back the curtains to release the waft of his nightly emissions and winced at the shower of morning light. Porkhaven sprawled out before him, a chaos of wonky rooftops and gravity-defying towers. He breathed in deeply, relishing the familiar stench of magic and gutter water. The acrid tang was especially strong around the neighbouring Alchemy District. It made him feel at home.

The banging continued.

‘I’m coming, I’m coming,’ he mumbled, fumbling his way into his breeches. He tripped and bashed his knee on the chest of drawers, cursed, ‘Giant’s balls!’ then threw on his tunic and hobbled downstairs. He entered the barren shop and approached the door, swiping up the letter on the doormat labelled in red print: ‘Debt Overdue - Foreclosure Warning.’ He grimaced, crumpled it up and tossed it to where the bin had previously been.

More banging.

Eric sighed, opened the door halfway and poked his head into the fresh air.

A girl stood below him. She couldn’t have been more than about fifteen, her pale skin in shining contrast to a bun of dark hair. She wore a curious golden backpack that chugged quietly, emitting a cloud of steam behind her head. A series of levers and dials poked out of the straps.

‘Howdy and good morning,’ she said cheerfully.

Eric put his hand up to shade his eyes. ‘What do you want?’

‘Why, I’m here to apply for the position of your apprentice.’

‘What?’

‘I came as soon as I heard there was a vacancy.’ The girl pointed to the dusty wooden panel he’d propped against the glass a few months ago that read: “Apprentice Vacancy - Enquire Within - (Five Copper Coins Per Day)”

Eric ran his fingers through his thinning hair. Once it had been thick and dark, but in the past few years, it had become depressingly spattered with grey, making him appear even more boring. He’d always considered himself average looking, even painfully so. His chin was flat, his face was soft and his eyes a mundane brown. People never remembered him. In fact, as a child, his mother had accidentally left him at the market and taken another child instead. That evening, after Eric had finally found his way home, he switched back with the bewildered imposter and his mother had been none the wiser. Eric turned the sign over, hiding the text. ‘That vacancy has expired.’

‘Then let’s not waste any more time. I should like to start immediately.’ The girl strolled past Eric and into the shop. She glanced around, then wiped a finger along a dusty shelf. ‘Well?’

It was far too early for this kind of nonsense. Her shrill Western voice was doing nothing for his headache. ‘Well… it’s not for girls, I’m afraid.’ He was far too embarrassed to admit he couldn’t even afford the measly five copper coins to pay her each day.

‘Don’t be absurd. Whyever not?’

Eric scratched the back of his head. ‘Bit dangerous this line of work, you see.’

‘Utter rubbish! So you’re one of those old-fashioned types.’ She shook her head. ‘Times have changed Mr Featherwick.’

‘Call me Eric.’

‘Right, times have changed Eric. Gender equality is much more important than it was ten years ago. If you read any of the latest books, all the best protagonists are girls.’

‘Is that so?’ Eric gently edged the strange girl towards the door.

‘Come to think of it, there aren’t very many without a heroine...’ She stepped backwards.

‘Uh huh.’ Eric nodded, another step.

‘In fact, without fully representing gender equality in your workplace you could have your fingernails pulled out for discrimination.’

‘How interesting.’ The girl was backed all the way to the open doorway. He may be able to have that lie-in after all.

In one quick motion, the girl jerked one of her levers.

An arm sprung out of her metallic backpack. It flung itself backwards, almost life-like in a hiss of steam. The claw at the end of the arm grabbed the door and slammed it closed behind her.

‘Rose,’ said the girl, extending a hand.

Eric ignored it, stunned. ‘Beg your pardon?’

‘My name’s Rose.’

‘Oh.’ Eric weakly shook her hand, then turned back towards his desk. He poured himself a whisky, draining the bottle, and sat down. She stood over him, watching intently. All he could hear was the gentle hum of her mysterious bag. He took a deep swig from the glass and let the sweet oak flavour burn its way down his throat.

‘I’m from the Western Lands you see,’ said Rose, breaking the silence.

‘I gathered.’

‘From my accent?’ She stared at Eric with a frown. ‘Gee, have I said something to offend you? Sorry if I don’t know your funny customs. This sure is a strange place. My boat arrived in Fen-Tessai only this morning and I’m still trying to figure things out.’

Her accent was undoubtedly annoying. It was as if she was trying her best to make everything a question when it wasn’t. ‘No, it’s not that. But I wouldn’t worry, it really isn’t complicated.’

‘It’s certainly a lot more moist here than where I’m from.’

‘I expect so.’

‘Can you explain to me why there are so many horses everywhere?’

Eric rubbed his temples, kneading-out the pain. ‘How else do you get around?’

‘Zeppelins, chuffers and cart-mobiles of course! Not to mention the railsteams. It all seems so old-fashioned here.’

Eric rolled his eyes. They were so obsessed with steam in the Western Lands. Eric would take a good old enchantment over some crazy gadget. So much simpler. The West was an awful place full of brash, tech-touting loud-mouths. There, even the most humble of Westerners had elaborate gadgets. Things that couldn't possibly need moving parts, like tables or mugs, had cogs inexplicably plastered all over them.

‘Oh Eric, now I’ve gone and offended you again.’ Rose chuckled to herself. ‘You Easterners are just too funny.’

‘Why did you come here?’

‘To apprentice with you of course!’

‘Then why don’t you just go and apprentice at Glorp & Co Pest Control? They’re much more successful than I am.’ Eric winced at the thought of his rival.

Rose scoffed. ‘They’re far too corporate. And besides, I’ve heard you’re the best.’ She smiled warmly. ‘I’m happy to pay top coin for that kind of experience.’

‘Pay?’

‘Of course,’ she gestured to the overturned sign. ‘I think five copper coins per day is a bargain for an education like this.’

‘You want to pay me?’ He cleared his throat. ‘I mean, yes, of course, you’ll pay me. Well, you ain’t getting much education here anyway, Glorp & Co steal all the good jobs. Then the adventurers take the rest.’

‘I’ll take my chances. And besides, my father spoke very highly of you.’

You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

Eric stopped lifting the whisky to his lips. ‘Your father?’

‘The High Governor of Murica.’

He thought for a moment. ‘Oh yeah, funny looking fellow with a big nose.’

‘That’s him alright. He told me you saved his life.’

Eric took a deep swig of his drink. ‘Long time ago that was. I ain’t the same man I was back then.’ He could barely imagine the man he’d been, practically a boy. He’d saved The High Governor of Murica’s life after a dire-beetle decided to lodge itself in a chandelier while he was visiting for a diplomatic ball. The King had insisted the ball must go on, even with the overhead threat. Naturally, it was a disaster, but at least Eric’s insect net broke rather than The High Governor’s neck. The High Governor could probably afford to buy the entire city of Porkhaven ten times over and turn it into a mechanical walking city. Eric licked his lips. Perhaps Rose could be useful after all.

‘Even if you are half the man my father described, you’d be better than twice most other people.’ Rose grinned at him. Eric decided she was possibly one of the most precocious little teenagers he had ever met. ‘Father said you were the best.’

Eric grunted, but sat up a little straighter, shuffling in his chair. ‘Maybe once. Before all these adventurers got out of control.’

‘That’s partly why I’m here.’ Rose’s face was impassive, yet the corners of her eyes twitched. She turned away from Eric and put her hands to her face. ‘My brother died after running off with a band of adventurers.’ Her shoulders shuddered. ‘The whole party got ambushed by wandering ogres. By the time anyone found them… the blood was too stale for resurrection.’ She turned back to Eric, her cheeks glistening wet. ‘My father sent me here to learn from you, so we can put an end to adventuring for good. In the Eastern and Western Lands both. Clear out one dungeon at a time and leave nothing left for adventurers to plunder.’

Eric felt a wetness in the corner of his eye. It must have been a bit of sweat. ‘Clearing out a few caves won’t stop ‘em,’ he said, wiping his face. ‘I’m not sure where they’re all coming from, but they’re everywhere. It used to only be the odd lone hero; I could compete with that, but now I can’t even get a measly job killing rats in tavern basements.’

‘I can help you, Eric. We can work together. It doesn’t have to be that way.’ She banged a fist into her open palm. ‘When you see a problem with the world, doesn’t that make you want to change it?’

This strange little girl certainly had big dreams. He’d probably been like that once, back when his shop stood for something. Pest control made a difference a long time ago. He protected innocent people from dangerous creatures and dangerous people from innocent creatures. Now everyone only wanted to go out and slaughter one other.

How could he get this girl to leave him alone? His hangover screamed for him to go back to bed. ‘I don’t think so. It’s far too late now. There’s nothing we can do.’

‘I’m convinced it’s part of a larger conspiracy. The infrastructure supporting adventurers is too convenient. I don’t have a plan yet, but you’re going to help me whether you like it or not. I don’t give up that easily Mr Fea…’

A duck flew through the door and landed on the counter behind them. It made a loud quack and stared at Eric.

‘Is that a…?’ asked Rose.

‘Yup.’

‘Can’t you Easterners afford owls or crows? Much more elegant, don’t you think?’

The duck tilted its head and quacked again.

‘Carrier-ducks are much better suited to this climate.’ Eric went over to the duck and removed the note from its leg. ‘A duck will push on, rain or shine. Plus the duck postal service runs exclusively on payments of breadcrumb. Those owls demand fresh mice and are too self-absorbed to deliver during the day, and the arrogant crows will shi...’ He stopped himself. ‘Not that it’s any of your business.’

‘Fascinating.’ Rose’s backpack claw handed her a funny-looking metallic quill that didn’t have a feather on top. She scribbled in her notebook.

Eric frowned as he read the duck’s note.

Rose leaned across, ‘What does it say?’

Eric covered the note. ‘Also none of your business.’

Rose snatched the paper from his hands and read it. Eric was too shocked to react.

‘Ohh! A call to action!’ Rose exclaimed, ‘Lord Egglewort wants an infestation of kobolds removed from his old fort so he can renovate it for his new son-in-law. Sounds fun! Can I come? This could be the perfect way for us to get to know each other.’

Secretly he wanted to jump for joy at the chance of work. Finally, something to sink his teeth into. But all the feelings of happiness melted away as soon as he realised Rose was still beaming up at him. He couldn’t possibly operate with such a busybody trailing behind him. Even if she was paying. And what if she died? What would her father say? The last thing he needed was a powerful international enemy. ‘No. You’re not my apprentice, so you can’t come.’

‘You can’t stop me from following you.’ Rose folded her arms. ‘It’s a free country.’ She stopped herself. ‘Well, maybe not country… and not really free.’ She tapped her chin. ‘More, poorly defined landmass with a strictly autocratic feudal social structure.’

Eric sighed, then filled out a reply to Lord Egglewort on a bit of parchment. He attached it to the duck’s leg and fed it some bread crumbs. The duck quacked with glee, then fluttered out the window.

Eric grabbed his cloak and left the shop with the irritating girl following behind him.

He stopped in his tracks.

Outside, a small crowd of people tittered around a large lump of metal sat in the street.

Rose walked right up the lump and patted it on the side. The form sprung to life in a whirr of clunks and clanks, lifting off the ground to reveal dozens of tiny legs. The crowd of onlookers cooed as steam seeped from the crevices in its armour. Eric coughed and fanned his face. The thing looked like some kind of giant mechanical woodlouse.

Rose leapt up into its back. ‘What’s the matter? You look like you’ve never seen a chuffer before.’

Eric ignored her and went to the stables next door. There he filled up Daisy’s saddlebags and smiled as she chewed on a carrot. She was the only one in the world who understood him. Probably because she was happy with the simple things in life. He climbed on her back and led her outside to the road.

Rose’s chuffer rattled and spat as it followed alongside him. The contraption drew all sorts of attention from the passers-by, and almost crushed some overly curious and enthusiastic children. Rose had put on a ludicrous pair of brass goggles; Eric wondered if they actually improved her vision or were merely a fashion accessory.

Heads continued to turn as they passed through the main city square. Although most people here were too distracted by their daily shopping to do more than watch the strange invention chugging by. A long shadow fell on the Porkhaven’s main square, cast by a great structure at the far end. It gleamed with freshly polished stone and across the front, a colossal sign read:

THE GUILD

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A pair of goblins handed out fliers and Elixirs to the cityfolk, ‘Get your free Elixir sample, courtesy of The Guild!’ they cried. Merchants, craftsmen and beggars alike all gathered around them, clamouring for their free taste. Elixir was awful, addictive stuff, Eric thought. Only adventurers were mad enough to drink it. No doubt those grabbing samples would be joining The Guild and becoming adventurers before long.

They carried on through the city, and soon there weren’t many honest work-hands left on the streets. Most of the folk wore chainmail and brandished an assortment of weapons.

A pointy-eared person stepped out from the throng, blocking Daisy and bringing her to a stop. The elf’s armour left him almost completely naked, as if his enemies were only intent on cutting off his nipples. He looked Eric dead in the eye, ‘Got any quests?’ he said.

‘No, get out of my way.’ Eric tried to go around him, but Daisy wouldn’t budge.

‘Come on I know you’ve got a quest or two for me.’ The elf put his hands together. ‘Missing a family heirloom? Bandits kidnapped a loved one? Troll scaring your cattle? Give me something, anything. I’m begging you, please. I need the Experience, please.’

‘I said, get out of my way.’ Eric kicked Daisy and she trotted forward, knocking the adventurer aside.

Typical adventurers. They truly were a sad, mad lot.

Eric and Rose exited the city gates. Tall trees cast shadows across the winding road ahead. Eric shivered. It was autumn, and the air was as bitter as a vampire’s temperament.

‘How far is it?’ asked Rose.

‘Not far.’

‘I thought there’d be more magic here in the Eastern Lands. Why can’t we just teleport?’

Eric scoffed. ‘You think I’m made of money? Scrolls of Town Portal are costly enough as it is, but they only take you home. And besides, we’re only going a few miles out of the city.’

‘I knew I should have brought father’s zeppelin…’

‘Uh huh.’

There was a pause. ‘Wanna know how I control my backpack?’

Eric grunted.

‘Well, it’s very clever actually. It’s thought activated. There’s a strong bond between me and my pack, not unlike the bond between a witch and her pet familiar. It doesn’t only move because of these levers, I have to will it.’

‘Is that so.’

‘It’s highly sophisticated.’

‘Wow.’

‘Are you even listening?’

‘Amazing.’

Rose huffed and they were left with only the sound of the breeze and the incessant spluttering of the mechanical steed.

After a while they turned off the main road and followed the track into Lord Egglewort’s vast estate. Fen-Tessai’s countryside was depressing at the best of times, but this was worse than he’d ever seen it. Normally it looked like a painting by a lazy artist who’d thrown green paint down and added the exact same trees, houses and fields over and over. But now barren farmlands blanketed their sorrow across the land. Limp wheat lay on the earth and piles of apples rotted beneath the trees. Eric couldn’t hear the bleating of a single sheep.

Rose pulled out a metal tube from her sleeve. She somehow extended its length, then thrust it into her eye. Humming, she scanned the miserable horizon. ‘Where are all the green and golden fields I’ve heard so much about? It’s all a bit… you know, grey.’

Eric spat onto the road, but the wind flicked it onto Daisy’s side. Eric pretended not to notice. ‘All the young farmhands want to run off and go adventuring these days. Ain’t nobody left to work the land. Damned shame it is.’

‘And that doesn’t make you want to try and stop them?’

‘Not right now, no.’

A crossroad appeared before them. Eric stopped Daisy and pulled a map out of his Sack of Clutching.

‘Are you lost?’ asked Rose.

‘No, just making sure.’ Eric rolled up the map. ‘Navigation’s tricky in Fen-Tessai, you see.’

‘Oh? How interesting.’ Rose cocked her head. ‘Is that because you people have bad spatial awareness?’

Eric gritted his teeth. ‘Let’s just say mountains and forests tend to migrate a little.’

‘Are you serious?’

‘I’m always serious. Anyway, it should be up that hill.’

The old fort soon loomed in front of them. Its walls were made from large grey blocks that crumbled away at the corners. They rode up and stopped at the closed gate.

Eric cleared his throat. ‘Hello there!’ he called up to the battlements. ‘Is Grom, The Slayer Of Men there?’

There was a quiet tittering above them, then a pointy-eared creature poked its head out between the crenelations.

‘Who askin’?’ said the kobold.

‘Tell him Eric’s here.’

There was more whispering overhead.

Rose turned to Eric and muttered, ‘You know these creatures?’

‘Of course.’

‘What are they?’

‘Kobolds.’

‘What’s a kho-bald?’

‘You’ll soon find out.’

‘Okay!’ yelled the kobold from above, ‘but who with you?’

‘It’s…’ Eric looked across at Rose and said weakly, ‘It’s my apprentice.’

Rose beamed as the gate slowly lifted before them.

‘Come on then.’ Eric gave Daisy a kick, and she strolled into the dark entrance.

He had a strong feeling he was going to regret it.