Chapter 4 - Kobalds and Egglewort

Eric and Rose rode through the fort’s passageway. Furry, loincloth-clad kobolds stood in rows along the walls, their spears pointed and ready. Rose let out a whimper.

‘No need to worry,’ said Eric. ‘They’re more afraid of you than you are of them.’

They dismounted at the fort’s stable and were immediately surrounded. The kobolds clinked as they shuffled along, their mismatched ill-fitting armour no doubt harvested from inexperienced adventurers. Every kobold had managed to find an item to wear that made them unique, either a jazzy ribbon or pink pauldron, making them easy to tell apart. Kobolds had curiously dog-like faces that almost made them look cute. However, their scowls ruined what little affection humans might have for them. The poor devils weren’t welcome anywhere, which was especially telling in a land where even goblins could find jobs if they tried hard enough. After a bath and some training in politeness, goblins made surprisingly good lawyers.

The little creatures glared at Rose’s chuffer in disbelief. One tapped it with his spear, the machine hissed a cloud of steam and the kobold fell back with a squeak. The others decided to keep a safe distance.

The guards escorted Rose and Eric deeper into the ruin, murmuring amongst themselves and flashing wary looks. The ones taking charge were the largest and held wonky candles that sent a flickering light along the corridors. The further they went, the more the place stank like a gryphon's litter box.

They came to a great hall packed full of kobolds perched on hay bales and wooden chests. At the end of the room sat a kobold on a makeshift throne, one who was around twice the size of all the others and had a halberd sitting across his lap. The human doublet he wore was bursting at the seams and squished the creature into a hunch. He glared at Eric and Rose with beady eyes.

Eric approached the throne and stood before him. The other kobolds scuttled off into the shadows. For a moment, Eric and the large kobold stared at each other in silence. He felt his heart thud in his chest. Last time he met this tribe he’d bribed them to vacate a disused warehouse with some magic beans. They were only regular beans of course, haricot if he remembered correctly. So long as they hadn’t figured that out he’d be fine. His fingers tightened around the emergency smoke bomb in his pocket. The chief kobold loomed over him, furrowing his brow.

Eric bowed. ‘Hello, Grom.’

Grom burst into laughter. ‘Eric!’ he said, standing up. ‘It been long time!’ He embraced Eric, which made Eric’s back click. His nostrils were bombarded with the musk of sweat and hay.

He held his breath.

‘How are the kids?’ asked Eric, exhaling.

‘Good thanks, very good.’ Grom sat back down on his throne. ‘Little Grom set up own tribe. Very proud. Magic beans good luck.’

‘Glad to hear it, glad to hear it.’ Eric looked around the room, then back at Grom. ‘I suppose you know why I’m here.’

‘Who this time?’

‘Lord Egglewort,’ said Eric. ‘You weren’t to know.’

Grom groaned. ‘But just decorated bedroom! Can’t leave now.’

‘I know, I know, but he inherited the land last month. He’s going to renovate the place and have a nice spot for his new son-in-law.’

‘We not leaving.’ Grom crossed his arms. ‘It nice here.’

Eric knew it was time to play hardball. ‘I didn’t want to tell you this, but…’

Grom leaned forward, taking the bait. ‘What? Tell what?’

‘Lord Egglewort said he’s already put this place on a tavern noticeboard.’

Grom nearly fell off his throne. ‘He not dare!’

‘Adventurers could be here any minute.’

‘Adventurers!’ Grom yelped. The crowd of kobolds around them began to murmur.

‘I’m here to give you a polite warning. Give you a good chance to get out while you can.’

‘He evil man. We have families. We bother no one.’

‘Now I know you’re just trying to make a home for yourselves, but you’ve got to find somewhere else. It’s not safe.’

‘Where we go? Nowhere safe. Adventurers everywhere.’

‘Well, maybe that’s where I can help you.’ Eric produced a piece of folded paper from his Sack Of Clutching.

Grom took the paper and looked at it intently. ‘What this?’

‘It’s a pamphlet showing the new rehousing scheme that’s been set up way over in the west. There’s an extensive list of nice unused cave systems. All perfect for your tribe to live in peace. Plenty of space and the area is a haven for bees, so you can make all the wax candles you desire.’ Eric had personally been out to find the rehousing locations a few months ago when he didn’t have much else to do. He was a little jealous, as with the exception of the ones near swamps they were all rather lovely spots. Running off to hide in a cave would certainly solve a lot of his problems.

Grom’s eyes glowed with joy. ‘Many candles!’ He shook his head. ‘How know caves safe?’

‘For one thing, there’s no ancient treasure hidden in any of them, so you don’t have to worry about adventurers blundering in. But the best part is there ain’t no nearby taverns. Adventurers would have to travel for days without taking a rest. So even if they did reach you, they’d be too weak to fight.’

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Grom scratched his oversized nose that was filled with clumps of hair seeking daylight. ‘Seems too good. What catch?’

‘You need to be out of here by sunrise.’

‘Hmm.’ Grom frowned and looked intently at the pamphlet. Eric realised he was nervously tapping his foot, and stopped. Grom had better take the deal, he would hate to have to use stink bombs to flush them out. These poor things never hurt anyone. Maybe the odd inexperienced adventurer or two, but they didn’t really count as people.

Grom remained silent. Eric needed to sweeten the deal. He cleared his throat. ‘Okay Grom, how about this. You can take anything you can carry too. Then you’ll have some furnishings for your new home.’

The kobold grunted. ‘Hmm. Okay Eric, deal. But only because you. Not Lord Egg.’ He spat on the ground and they shook hands.

Lord Egglewort wouldn’t even know what was in the fort yet, so taking a few chairs wouldn’t matter. But the kobolds didn’t know that.

Eric turned back to see Rose furiously scribbling notes in her book, her backpack rumbling in time with the featherless quill.

Back at the stables, Rose and Eric mounted their steeds while a mob of kobolds gathered to wave them goodbye.

Grom smiled, revealing a thick set of wonky teeth. ‘Visit any time friend.’

‘I will,’ said Eric. ‘Just keep off people’s properties, or I may see you sooner.’ He winked and Grom chuckled.

‘Tell Lord Egg we gone by sunrise.’

‘Bye then,’ said Eric, turning Daisy around.

Eric and Rose trotted back through the passageway and out into the forest, steam trailing behind them, emitted vigorously from Rose’s chuffer.

‘Are there really adventurers on their way?’ asked Rose once they were back on the path. The trees along the road were eerily calm, their amber leaves practically motionless. ‘The note didn’t say anything about that.’

‘Who knows?’ said Eric. ‘There usually are.’

‘So you lied?’

‘Of course. All part of the job.’

Rose jotted down more notes. ‘And where are we going now?’

‘Well, I’m going to pay Lord Egglewort a visit.’

‘And as your newly appointed apprentice,’ said Rose with a grin, ‘You won’t mind me tagging along too.’

It was dark by the time they rode up to Lord Egglewort’s castle gates. Guards appeared on the battlements above.

‘State your business peasant!’ one called down.

Eric ignored the presumption about his status and craned his neck upwards. ‘We’re from Beast Be Gone, here to see Lord Egglewort and collect on a kobold contract.’

Unseen, the guards mumbled to one another. The portcullis rumbled upwards before them.

The guards footsteps echoed as they led them to the spacious dining hall. A surprising number of stewards stood along the walls, surrounding a sea of empty tables. The party approached the end of the hall, where Lord Egglewort sat alone at his long-table, gorging on a leg of mutton. He was thinner than most lords, and yet still grotesquely overweight. His faded purple finery attempted to hold the shape of his body, leaving little to the imagination and provided a shield for food smatterings. Working with Lords always left a sour taste in Eric’s mouth, and Lord Egglewort was no exception. Especially after what happened last time.

‘Ah, the chap from Beast Be Gone!’ said Lord Egglewort without getting up. Grease dripped down his chin as he spoke. ‘Did you fix my little problem? I recall you did sterling work for me before. With some giant spiders in the forest, I believe?’

‘That’s right,’ said Eric. ‘Got through about four barrels of repellent.’ The repellent in question had been cripplingly expensive. He’d almost made a loss as Lord Egglewort refused to negotiate.

‘And the pine trees still smell of lemons to this day.’ Lord Egglewort chortled as bits of meat spattered down his front. He looked over to Rose. ‘And a new apprentice too! What a fine bit of Western technology you have there. Delightful.’

Rose beamed and made the claw on her backpack spin. ‘Why thanks. A pleasure to meet you.’ She bowed.

Lord Egglewort turned his gaze back to Eric. ‘So what’s the news?’

‘The kobolds will be gone from the fort by morning,’ said Eric.

‘Jolly good! Colour me impressed, I knew you were the man for the job. I’m glad I went with you, your competitors at Glorp & Co cost a bleeding fortune. Times are tough don’t you know?’

Eric winced at the mention of Glorp & Co. Times were tough indeed. Tough enough to lower his prices to rock bottom.

Lord Egglewort leaned in. ‘So how on earth did you manage it?’

‘Trade secret.’

‘Of course, of course.’ Lord Egglewort tapped his nose with his forefinger. ‘If you couldn’t manage it I would have had to get some adventurers in. Dreadful, the lot of them.’

‘That they are.’

‘They would have wrecked the place. Especially if they had a blasted mage with them.’

‘Fire-burns don’t come out easy.’

‘Precisely.’ Lord Egglewort undid his breeches to release his belly. ‘Ahh that’s better.’ He breathed out deeply. ‘So how much damage have those wretched creatures done?’

Eric scratched the back of his head. ‘Not too much, my Lord. But they have stolen most of the furnishings. It will need a good renovation.’

Lord Egglewort tutted. ‘That’s a shame. I would quite like to get my new son-in-law moved in there as soon as possible. He’s a layabout you see, need him out of the castle.’

‘Right.’

‘I was hoping a project might liven him up a bit. Having the run of the place, you know?’ Lord Egglewort raised his voice as if reaching him in another room. ‘Be a man for once!’

‘Uh-huh.’

The contempt in Lord Egglewort seemed to subside. ‘Anyway, I digress. I’m afraid you’ll have to wait until tomorrow for your payment, once we’ve confirmed the fort is clear. Feel free to stay the night. I’ll have the servants make up some beds.’ He clapped his hands and some of the hovering stewards hurried out of the room.

‘That’s very kind of you.’ Eric performed an awkward bow. ‘Oh and um… we also offer a “Prevention Package”, three years of guaranteed security from beasts and…’

‘No, no,’ Lord Egglewort cut in, ‘that won’t be necessary.’

‘Perhaps you may be interested in one of our partners’ packages?’

‘What partners?’

‘I work with a number of partners who can offer an excellent “Tax Protection Package” and a “Renovation Package”.’ Eric handed him a pamphlet. ‘Oh and the “Platinum Package” combines both of these with the “Prevention Package”, for a monthly sum of...’

Lord Egglewort waved at him to stop. ‘Enough. I don’t want any of your damn packages.’

‘There’s a five percent discount if you sign up today.’ There was a five percent bonus in it for Eric too.

‘Only five percent? Pitiful.’

Eric tensed his fists as the rage inside him simmered. This pompous oaf has been walking all over him for years, but not for much longer. Eric opened his mouth to shout, to scream...

Rose stepped forward. ‘If I may.’

Eric, startled, held his tongue.

Rose cleared her throat. ‘The fort has been left in an awful state by those creatures. It really could use a makeover.’ She pointed at the prices on the pamphlet. ‘You’d make a great saving signing up with us today. If you tried to get a better price in the city, they’d screw you. And then take months to get going. We could have them here tomorrow, it says so right on the pamphlet. Your son-in-law could be living there in luxury in a matter of weeks.’

Eric stared at her in disbelief. Damned Westerners and their overconfidence.

‘I suppose so,’ said Lord Egglewort drumming his fingers. ‘Fine. Just the Renovation Package will do.’

‘Thank you.’ Eric felt a great wash of relief. The five percent commission on a job like this would keep him alive for another few weeks. ‘I’ll tell them to come by tomorrow.’

Lord Egglewort went back to his food. ‘Now get out of my sight before I change my mind.’

As they walked out of the great hall, Rose flashed Eric a smile. Eric did his best to ignore it.