I wake up with a smile on my face, but it's quick to fade when I realize that the sheets are rubbing against my bare body.
How can I be this stupid?
I want to bury my face in my hands, but there's no time for that. Quickly pulling on my clothes, I take a glance at Phoebus's sleeping form. He really does look like an angel with the wings and the golden halo of hair. He's always been a heavy sleeper and today, that will be his demise. Like it was three years ago.
I stride into the living room. I don't plan to leave indefinitely like last time, but I do need a bit of time to process the self loathing and decide what I'm going to do next because I cannot continue on like this. Living like a plaything of a god is not an option, no matter what he's done for me in the past.
I should've realized it long ago, but every time he looks at me, all I feel like is a plaything to be used however he wants. Have I really ever even told him no?
Glancing at my reflection, I bite back a groan when I see the hickeys that dot my neck and collarbone and I bet if I were to pull down the neckline of my shirt, I would see more. As it stands, I just mutter a few choice words under my breath and pull on a hoodie.
Just as my hand grasps the doorknob, a voice behind me says, "Where do you think you're going?"
I slowly turn to meet his furious expression. He's put on his clothes, with is good because his silhouette with the wings is much more imposing than what I'm seeing now.
He stalks over to me so we're almost chest to chest with my back pressed against the door, effectively caging me. I feel so small as I look up at him, but we both know that he would never hurt me.
"Out," I say meekly.
"After what happened last time, did you really think I would trust you to stay?"
"I don't need your permission to leave my own home. I'm not little figurine you can put on a map and expect to stay there until you decide to move it." Nonetheless, I don't open the door and leave. I'm tired of being a coward, tired of running.
His expression softens infinitesimally. "That's not what I meant. I just...I just want to know why you always run the morning after. Is sleeping with me really that bad?"
My eyes widen as I realize that he's taken my departure as a failure on his part to give me a reason to stay. A small voice in the back of my mind asks if it would be easier to just let him believe that because if he leaves, I don't have to face the feelings.
So in true Adeline fashion, I don't say anything and watch as the emotions flit across his face. Annoyance, confusion, vulnerability. He really is an open book.
He runs a hand through his hair in frustration. "Look, Adeline. Just tell me this one thing and I'll leave you forever if that's what you want. I won't ever bother you again."
He called me Adeline.
He's never called me Adeline, from the moment we met. Always El.
"I need to know if you said what I think you said last night. Because the things you say really conflict with the way you act. You tell me I'm the closest thing you've ever had to home and then you leave. You tell me that I make you feel safe and then you disappear without telling me why. You toy with my feelings by telling me you love me but then you leave and everything just comes back to you leaving, doesn't it?"
I finally snap. "I'm sick of playing this charade. You want to know why I left? I was sick of playing the charade back then and I'm sick of it now."
I can see from the expression on his face that my words are having an effect but I can't stop the words from tumbling out. They've been pent up for years.
"I've often told myself that I need to stop deluding myself but we seemed to be trapped in this endless flaming cycle downward, don't we? I'm always caving in and you're always pretending that I actually mean something to you, like I'm not some pet to be coddled and patched up so you can feel better about yourself-"
"I don't treat you like some pet, and I don't treat your life like some charade and I don't know where you got that idea."
I give a sardonic sneer, viciousness usually reserved for the mirror seeping into my expression and words, surprising him into taking a step back. "Really? Is this how you live with yourself? You tell yourself that I matter to you when we both know you don't care?"
Something about the expression on his face makes me stop. It's resigned, almost like the fight has gone out of it.
"I don't care?" he says softly. "Adeline, I love you."
The air rushes out of my lungs, leaving me unable to breath. I search his face for any signs of deception, but he's as open as always. But that can't be.
I feel so light. Like there's nothing holding me down, nothing to keep me from flying.
"You can't lie," I breathe.
"I can't lie."
But does this even change anything? I'm still a mortal and he's still a god who has lived for centuries before I even existed and will live for centuries after I die. Can bridges like those even be crossed?
"Adeline, say something." He softens. "It's fine if you don't feel the same, you know. I'll leave if you want. I'll do anything you want me to."
His arms are locked to his sides, as if he's trying to stop himself from touching me. The cold metal of the ring burns against my heart, reminding me of what I truly want.
So why don't I give it to myself?
I snake my arms around his neck and pull him down to meet my lips.
For a moment, he's still as stone in his shock. But then he comes to life, pulling my body flush against his and taking over the kiss.
He groans when I swipe my tongue against his hot lower lip and responds in earnest, his fingers drawing patterns of pleasure on the bare skin on my back as he ravishes me with his lips.
He pulls away first, searching my face with his eyes that remind me of pretty summer skies. I realize that despite the fact that we've slept together twice, that was the first time we've kissed.
I meet his questioning gaze. "Since you haven't noticed, I'm in love with you. I've been in love with you for years," I say. The look of amazement that spreads across his face leaves no doubt that he feels the same.
And then he's pulling me back and we're both falling on the couch, making up for lost time.
"What round is this?" he murmurs playfully as I slip his shirt off. My fingers trace along the hard lines of his abs, eliciting a hiss of pleasure from him.
The doorbell chooses that exact moment to ring, making me want to screech in annoyance. I throw his shirt at him as I attempt to smooth my quite obvious bed hair and then his.
"Aren't you going to leave?" I ask as he shows no signs of doing so. My hand is on the doorknob, ready to open it and reveal who it is this time.
He shakes his head and says, "I'm not letting you fight my battles any longer."
I shrug and open the door.
"You?" I ask incredulously at the same time Phoebus says, "Pallas Athena?"
"I seem to inspire great confusion," Athena says, stepping into my apartment without an invitation. Her badger striped hair and half moon spectacles make her look like a dark parody of a librarian. "But yes, I am your mother."
"Oh fuck off," I say at the same time Phoebus takes a step toward me, clearly concerned.
She sits on one couch and looks at the opposite one like she expects us to take it. We do.
Her gray eyes that I've inherited sweep over our entwined fingers and our general appearances. I don't like the shrewd smile that spreads across her face.
"This is a surprise, but an unwelcome one nonetheless. I don't really know what the fuck you want me to say to my deadbeat mother."
"Yes, I really do seem to have interrupted your morning of lovemaking, haven't I?" she says and I choke on air.
Phoebus traces circles across my back with a look of mild amusement and says, "Nice try. How do you plan on getting me to finish the Olympian Circle?"
"Blunt, aren't we?" she muses, more to herself than to us. "I know that you will not comply. But I also know that you will do anything she asks you to."
His arm instinctively wraps around me, drawing me to him and I cross my arms in front of my chest. "Fat fucking chance."
"Really?" she says, leaning forward with her hands folded. "I think there are some things that might sway your mind."
"Like what?"
"My daughter, if we were to hit the metaphorical reset button on the world, you would have a place in it. The two of you would no longer be mortal and immortal, but two immortals with all of eternity to love each other."
I scowl at the fact that she manages to target my insecurities. I suppose she's goddess of wisdom and strategic warfare for a reason.
I see Phoebus shoot me a worried look, and I take in a deep breath, because her argument is so well constructed that I need all my wits about me to break it down.
"Do you gods honestly think everybody is as fucking selfish as you are?"
She doesn't even blink. "I know that you think everybody is out for their own purposes, but the gods really are looking for the best interests of humanity. The earth is dying. Have you seen the polar ice caps melting from global warming? Or the never ending trash in the oceans choking the marine life? If Apollo joins the Circle, we can stop all of it. And this time, guided by the hand of the gods, mortals will keep the earth healthy forever."
I genuinely consider her argument, my conviction wavering. She sees it, judging by the triumphant smile on her face.
But I look down at our entwined fingers and Phoebus's voice echoes in my head.
I love mortals. You're lives are beautiful in a way that ours never can be. Our feats are greatly diminished by the fact that we have infinite chances to fuck up."
"Part of being humans is making mistakes. If you take that away from us, you take away what makes human lives worth living. We are built to make progress. We're meant to move forward, even if that means tripping over the obstacles. And that is why we don't need gods to force us to look at the ground."
Athena's eyes widen for a moment before resuming her calm demeanor as if she was not expecting this counterargument.
"And you would let it happen even at the expense of the earth? At the expense of your heart? Don't think I don't know your insecurities, Adeline. If you ask him to do this, you will have him. And you will have a mother."
I can't stop my voice from raising, even though I know she's trying to goad me. Years of bottled up resentment from feeling unwanted and unloved add vehemence to my voice.
"I shouldn't have to consent to a fucking apocalypse just to get you to mother your own child."
"Calm down, El," Phoebus murmurs in my ear, stroking the back of my hand with his callous free one I relax slightly, but the buzz in my ears doesn't go away.
Athena lets out a lighthearted laugh, as if she's making fun of me. "When Hera told me of your daftness, I didn't believe that any child of mine could truly be that witless. Really, stupid girl, did you think that you deserved to be raised by a goddess? I have more important things to attend to than some mundane girl who can't even handle that her father died in a drunken car crash."
"Get out," Phoebus and I say at the same time. There are so many other things I want to say to her - shouldn't she have been safeguarding my father so that he hadn't been hit by some alcoholic? Couldn't she have at least ensured that the other side received proper punishment?
She shrugs, the smile never leaving her face. "I've said my part. Know that you can rectify your mistake any time."
After she leaves, Phoebus turns to me and he says, "El, I'm sorry. I didn't know that you-"
"Don't say anything. Just hold me and tell me it's going to be okay. That we'll be okay," I say, leaning against him and taking in his comforting scent.
"Just like times of old, huh?" he says, pulling me to his chest and that's how we stay.
a/n: this chapter was so fun to write, it's been building up for so long it just feels so good to get everything out. i love adeline and apollo so much, they just keep surprising me with what they do.
if you like this, please add this book to your library or vote or comment what you thought! i really appreciate any feedback :))