Elias
Before Dan can get a word out, my mom comes flying into the living room like a mad woman waving her hands all over the place.
"Elias Alexander King and Daniel Herman Eugene Perry--"
I choke back a laugh.
"Dan--your middle name is Herman Eugene!?"
Wait. Why does she know that?
"Yes. It's hyphenated. My parents had a hard time conceiving, but were blessed enough to have me as their only son. My grandfather's name was Herman and my grandmother's was Eugeny, and they loved them enough to name me after both of them."
And now I look like a total dick.
"Oh. Sorry. It's a ---unique name. Very old sounding. Like your grandparents. Sorry. I'm gonna stop talking."
Dan's face flushes dark red and if I didn't feel bad enough about making fun of him, now I do. My mom claps her hands from across the room and I perk up like nipples on a cold day.
"Excuse me, why are the two of you standing there when the table is empty? Am I gonna have to do everything by myself?"
"Sorry, Mama, we were just about to start," I say.
She points and snaps at me and then in the general direction of the dining room table.
"Then start! It's almost 7:00 and I want everything ready for Alex when she comes downstairs. You should see her, Elias! She brought this beautiful dress to wear and she looks much better than you do right now. I want you to set the table and then go change into something nice! You look--"
First she ignores me. Now she insults how I look. Nice.
"Messy? Fine, I'll go change, but you're breaking my heart, Mama. You haven't even called me handsome once today. Not once."
"At, set up now, compliments later. Get to work, niños. ¡Apúrate!"
Dan and I straighten up like soldiers and scuttle over to the kitchen before my mom has to ask us a third time. Dan grabs a stack of my mom's off-limits china from the "do-not-touch" shelf and starts placing them one-by-one while my mom rushes back and forth from the oven to the fridge. I stop him before he gets himself killed.
"D-man, these were my abuela's. They've been in my family longer than I've been alive. Better stash them back where you found em' while my mom's not looking or else she'll flip."
Instead of darting over to the cabinet to cover his tracks like I said, Dan just keeps on putting the plates out like it's no big deal.
"Don't worry, Eli. I'll be careful. Besides, your mom said she wanted to use them tonight because it's a special occasion. I actually recommended that she use that beautiful blue and white set she likes--"
"You mean the one with the gold edges?"
"Yeah, and those little birds painted on the rim."
Dan stares out the kitchen window like he can see a giant plate hovering in the sky.
"Why do you know about that?"
Dan straightens out his glasses and looks away from me.
"About what?"
"Her favorite dinner set. Only I know about that. And maybe Tanner, too. She only ever brings that out on our birthdays."
His Adam's apple bobs in his throat.
"Oh. Um. Well, she asked me to choose between the two earlier. Before you and Alex got here. Anyway, speaking of Alex, where's our lady of honor? You should probably go check on her, huh?"
Dan normally isn't a very sweaty person. He's the type who maintains his chill even in situations where there is no chill left to have. But right now, he's sweating through his suit jacket. I can smell it mixed in with whatever cheap middle-aged man cologne he has on. He also doesn't usually wear cologne.
Maybe I'm paranoid, but I feel like he's off. Way off.
But when it comes to choosing between figuring out whatever the balls is going on with Dan vs. seeing my girl in another dress. I'd choose my girl every time. Real talk.
"I'll be right back, don't break anything or else--"
"She'll murder me, I know," he says.
Smiling.
He obviously doesn't know what the back end of one of my mom's wooden spoons feels like. If he's careful, he won't ever find out.
I scramble to finish setting Jersey's place at the table and then grab my backpack out of the living room on my way upstairs. The wood still creeks the same way it did when I used to sneak in on nights I'd stay out late to avoid Mindy. Every single thing in this place is a trigger. From the faint smell of the new layer of paint we used to cover up what was supposed to be my daughter's room, to the sight of the upstairs hallway I used to dread walking down.
I swallow the tension rising in my throat and push open the door to the guest room me and Mindy used to sleep in. I spent almost nine months lying next to a woman I never wanted to touch. Even though everyone expected me to. Even though she wanted me to. I couldn't do it.
For a while she tried to get me to. She'd try touching me and teasing me into wanting her, but I couldn't. Nothing below the belt responded to her no matter how many times she tried. I'd lie there and wait for her to stop.
To give up.
And eventually she did.
But I shouldn't have even let her try in the first place, 'cause now all I have are memories of what we did in that room. The same room I'm supposed to be sharing with Jersey later tonight. The same bed with all my secrets under the sheets.
"Maria? Is that you? Can you help me with the back of this, I--"
Jersey steps out into the hallway wearing a ruby satin dress that knocks the wind out of me the second I see her in it.
"Que linda," I say. This girl's got me so messed up I'm speaking in Spanish about her again. She flashes a little smile my way, and then turns around and points to the back of her dress.
"Two questions. Number one: who's Linda? and Number two: do you mind helping me with my dress?"
"Linda means beautiful and si."
I'm behind her in half a second, but take my time zipping up the back of the outfit she's got on. I lower my lips and start carefully kissing my way up her neck until she stops me. We've been doing a lot of that lately.
Stopping.
Backing off from the kind of physicality we had with each other the night we got back together. She's been different. Every time I've tried to be with her, she's distant. Cautious.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong, or what it is I did, but we haven't been together-together since Sunset Rec. Don't get me wrong, I'd wait as long as she needed me to. I just wish she'd tell me what she's afraid of--especially if it's me.
"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have done that."
Jersey turns around and wraps her arms around my waist until we're flush against each other.
"Elias, it's--not anything you're doing. It's me, I'm just too much in my head lately, you know?"
I kiss the top of her forehead and nuzzle my nose in her hair.
"Do you wanna talk about it? It's not fun being in your head all alone. Trust me."
"It's not fun being alone at all. But I'll get over it on my own. I promise."
I don't want her to have to promise me that. I wanna help her, but I can't if she won't let me.
"Alright, but you know where I am if you need me. In your bed. Every night. Waiting with open arms. Lying beside you, here in the dark--"
I start swaying Jersey back and forth until she slips into the kind of laugh I've been missing.
"You are a terrible singer."
"Really? I thought that was pretty good. Broadway here I come."
"Maybe the street corner on broadway, but never the stage. Sorry to bust your balls, E, but I don't think that dream's gonna happen."
"Bust 'em all you want. You've already burned 'em. They're yours to do whatever you want with anyway."
She leans her head against my chest and the warmth of her skin sinks into mine. We stand there holding each other for a little while before she speaks up again.
"Thank you--"
"For what? My balls? No problem. I'm glad they make you happy."
"No, for not giving up on yourself--or on me. Thanks for coming back."
I take a second to let her words settle in and do my best not to grab her and kiss her the way I want to.
"I'd do it again, you know. The bad nights at rehab. The fights with Tanner. Dealing with my dad. Chasing you across UCLA. I'd do it again if it meant ending up dancing in this hallway with you."
Jersey stares up at me with a skeptical smile and 8,000 little crinkles in the space between her eyes.
"Is that the Cheese monster I hear? What happened to Elias Smooth Moves King?"
"He's been shot in the heart by a Jersey girl. You're killing my game, J. I'm getting soft around you."
She untangles herself from me and gives me a one over.
"Not in the slightest, Elias. Now, go calm yourself down and change. I'm not eating Thanksgiving dinner next to a bum."
I reach out and pull her to me so fast she's struggling to catch her breath right as I catch her lips. I breathe in the moment, the softness of her surrender, and then let her go before I lose myself in everything that she is. In everything that I want us to be.
Expectation only paves the way for disappointment so I stop drowning in her and go back to treading water.
She wouldn't kiss me like that if she knew what the walls were hiding.
She wouldn't touch me if she knew who else I let touch me.
I swallow the bitterness of the truth, hide it behind a smile, and dart into my room to change my clothes so she won't see how this place is changing me.
"Put on something fancy, Elias! And make it quick. Jersey girls don't wait for anybody."
"You'll wait for a king, hang by the stairs, I'll be right out."
I do my best to sound casual, but the weight of this room is sucking the life outta me. I stare at the closet that's still half-full of my clothes and half-empty from the absence of Mindy's.
I don't want to think about Mindy, so I grab a dress shirt and pants off a hanger and shut the closet door to stop the memories from flooding in.
I change into my dinner clothes and stare at myself in the mirror, wishing that changing into a new person was as simple as putting on a new outfit. But I'm still the same me. Still walking around in the same skin and all the scars that come with it.
I silently promise myself I'll tell Jersey everything as soon as we get back to LA. I can't keep pushing it off anymore and neither can she.
I want us both to come clean, to start over, without secrets.
Without stalling.
Without lies.
***
"Took you long enough. I was about to break down the door if you--woah."
I step into the hallway with a half-done tie sloped around my neck and my shirt mostly unbuttoned. Jersey's eyes wander away from my face and down towards my chest which instantly makes up for any doubts I had about her still wanting to be with me-be with me. Whatever's in the the way of us connecting like we used to, it's not big enough to push her away completely. Not yet, anyway.
"Dazzled?" I ask, half-joking, half-desperate.
She walks over and starts fiddling with the buttons of my shirt with her trembly little squirrel fingers. Cute.
"Mildly."
Liar.
"Only mildly?"
I lower my lips to hers but she keeps her eyes bashfully focused on my clothes instead of on me.
"I'm ignoring that question. Anyway--ready to go? You're mom's probably waiting for us."
I gently take her face in my hands and lift her chin until we're face to face.
"So let her wait. I wanna look at you for a minute."
Jersey does her best to avoid my gaze for a good couple seconds, but once the fear fades out of her eyes, we find each other in the silence. I press my forehead against hers and look down at every beautiful detail of her face. The sun-kissed flush in her cheeks, the bow curve of her lips, the wings of her eyelashes. Everything that makes her, her. All her little puzzle pieces. Broken and whole.
I wanna be the one to keep them together, to keep her together, as long as she'll let me.
I feel myself leaning again--being sucked into the couple inches of space left between us, when she stops me.
"Elias--"
"Yeah?" I say, but I'm breathing so hard the words nearly get away from me.
"I love you--"
"I love you, too."
"--but it's Thanksgiving and we're late for dinner. Food now, kissing later. Come on, Sparky!"
"You're killing me, Jersey. A day at a time."
"Likewise. I just hide it better than you do."
She winks at me, takes me by the tie, and then leads me towards the stairs while I try to get my head around her words. Something about the way she said that rubs me the wrong way, like there's a lot more truth to the hurt she hides. The hurt that's probably because of me. I can't shake the feeling.
Asking her about it now won't do either of us any good on a night that's supposed to be perfect, so I bury it with everything else that's been wrong with this place.
We get to the bottom of the stairs and she turns around and looks at me like a deer in headlights.
"Do I look okay? You don't think your mom will think I look overdressed do you?"
Never.
"No. My mom was raving about how beautiful you were earlier and she's in love with you already, so don't sweat it."
"What about her friend?"
"Dan? He's cool with everybody."
All the color drains out of Jersey's face.
"Wait, Dan, as in your therapist, Dan?!"
"Yeah, why?"
She wrings her fingers together like a little kid.
"Well, I might have called him--pretending to be you, when I thought you two were in a romantic relationship. So if he brings up any weird phone calls, now you know why. Sorry."
I smile at her because she's so frazzled right now it's adorable. I take her hand in mine and start walking her towards the kitchen.
"Forgiven, besides Dan's had so much trouble with girls he might actually be ga--"
Jersey stops dead in her tracks all of sudden and gasps like she's just walked in on a crime scene in the kitchen. And the second I take my eyes off her, I realize that she has.
'Cause Dan's standing in the middle of the room--eyes closed, hands busy, full-on making out with my mom.
Yep.
I'm gonna kill him.
***
(Thank you guys so much for reading/listening! We cannot wait to share the next chapter with you guys on WEDNESDAY AUGUST 15TH! Once again we really want to make sure you all know how grateful we are to have you still with the story after all this time. Kristen and I have been writing like crazy (and working on beginning the sending process for the Letters to Jersey Contest Winners--a year late, so sorry guys!) and we're almost finished with the book! We're finishing up the last couple chapters of FHKH and we can't wait to take you on the roller coaster ride that will be the ending. So thanks so much for sticking with this! Those of you who are still with the book really have our gratitude!)
#REAL TALK QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
Has anyone had to adjust to finding out your parents were dating/involved with new people? How did it effect you?
If you've never experienced that, is there a scenario that your parents have put you through that completely blindsided you?
Comment here :).