*NOTE: IF YOU'RE IN THE MOOD FOR SOME SERIOUS FEELS DEFINITELY CHECK OUT THE AUDIOBOOK RECORDING BY PRESSING PLAY ON THE YOUTUBE SCREEN ABOVE. kaelking12 did a fantastic job at capturing the rawness of this tense moment between Elias and Dan! Check it out if you have time & let us know what you think in the comments:)!
Elias
So this is how things fall apart.
You'd think I'd be used to it by now.
I've been through enough break-ups and breakdowns to know when I've pushed things too far.
And this is it--the point that me and my dad used to hit over and over again every time we'd fight.
I'd say something to really piss him off. Something more than your average diss and he'd hate me for it because I'd always touch on the truth. I'd let him scream at me and then spit back the kind of raw honesty that hits below the belt. And he couldn't deny it.
I'd call him out on cheating, on lying to my mom, on lying to me and Tanner and then everything would explode.
Only problem was, I'd always come out the loser.
My dad would fly off the handle and tear me apart with the things he'd say. Not because any of it was true but because it was mean. He'd say things fathers shouldn't say to their sons, the kind of insults that burned like whiskey down your throat.
When Malcom King wanted to make a point, he'd do it the same way he did in court. He'd rattle off about how much he regretted me and how he thought my entire life was a mistake. He'd yell at me to the point where I'd actually start to believe that the things he was saying about me were true. I still do. Sometimes, I still hear him screaming in the silence.
So no matter who I'm fighting with, I defend myself at moments like these like I'm face to face with him.
My dad's shadow's always there.
It's hovering in the space between me and Dan right now.
So I brace for the storm. For the moment when Dan turns into the person who's haunted me my whole life.
I see it in his face. The way he's staring at me like I'm the monster everybody makes me out to be.
We stand there in the quiet for a long while and I watch every messed up thing I've been saying to Dan turn him inside out. It's harder to stomach than I want it to be. 'Cause I know unlike my father, he's actually considering what I'm saying. He always does.
He's the kind of guy who has a big enough heart to listen to people's problems all day and still try his best to solve every single one of them despite how tired he is. He always gives people his time and his care. And half of me knows he's a good person, and that he doesn't deserve this, and that I'm being selfish and stupid and mean.
But I guess at the end of the day, I don't know how to be any different.
Especially when things change outta nowhere.
When I lose people.
When I feel like I'm losing control.
And right now everything's spiraling.
And I don't know if I can take it.
'Cause like my father says.
I'm soft.
I feel too much, all at once.
Which is why I'll never be a man to him.
Just a building block boy. Easily made. More easily broken.
I don't know how he does it, but Dan picks up on me caving in on myself like a psychic and puts a reassuring hand on my shoulder like I didn't just ask him to get off my porch. I wanna forgive him. I want things to go back to being okay, but I don't know if we can do that anymore.
"I want you to understand something, Elias--"
I shrug his hand off and try to act like I'm still as angry as I was a couple minutes ago, but all I feel is hurt.
"There's nothing for me to understand, Dan. You lied to me. You started screwing my mom behind my back. So I think we're done."
"Is that honestly what you want? Without even hearing me out first? What if I'd said that to you the first couple weeks you were in therapy, Elias?"
He's right. If he'd decided to give up on me back then, I probably wouldn't be here right now. I guess it just comes down to him being a better person than me. Not all of us are saints. Even though we wish we could be.
"At least if you'd dropped out, I wouldn't have had to walk in on you and my mom," I say.
Dan lets out a deep breath which is about as frustrated as I've ever seen him. He's right to be. I'm being a dick, but I kind of have the right to. This is my family he's messing with and things are different now whether he wants to accept it or not.
"Elias, I'm sorry. I made a mistake in doing something like that before Maria and I had a chance to talk to you. But that's why I'm here."
I pop the pressure out of my fists a knuckle at a time.
"I don't want you here. Things were good with me and you, Dan. I trusted you more than I've ever trusted anybody, and now I can't. Why don't you get that?"
"I do, Elias I just--"
"No, you don't. Because if you did, you never would have touched her in the first place. You know what I've been through, man. You know what my dad did to my family, you know how important my mom is to me, and--"
My voice catches in my throat.
"--and you should know how important you are to me, and now just because you can't keep your dick in your pants, everything's shit."
Dan keeps shaking his head back and forth like I've got everything backwards, but I don't. Him being with my mom blows our relationship completely. I can't talk to him now. I can't trust him now. But here he is still looking at me like I'm not seeing the big picture.
"It isn't like that, Elias. I promise you it isn't but you have to let me explain."
"I don't want you to explain anything. I want you to leave. Just go. I want to spend Thanksgiving with my family and you're not a part of it--not anymore."
Dan looks up at me behind his wire-framed glasses and there's nothing but hurt scrawled all over his face. Up until today, I considered him an honorary member of the King clan, but that's done.
"If you honestly want me to leave, I'll go. You have every right to be upset, but to tell you the truth, Elias, you don't know what's going on. And I think you should, before you make any decisions."
"What's there for me to know? You can't just walk into my life and start messing around with my mom and then try to pass it off like you belong here. It's not like you actually care about her, Dan!"
Disappointment slips into the shadows of his face in a way that I've never seen before. I try to act like seeing him this way doesn't matter to me but it does. It does because I never wanted things between me and Dan to be this way but here we are. At the end of the line.
Dan squares up like the man that he is and steps towards me out of the blue. He takes off his glasses and stares me dead in the eye so I can't run from whatever he's about to say.
"I do care about her, Elias. More than you'll let me explain--but you've been so busy painting this situation the way you want it to be that you can't see it for what it is!"
"And what's that? A Thanksgiving fling? A glorified hit and quit? 'Cause that's what it looks like."
"Then look harder. Because if that's the kind of person you think I am, then you don't know me at all. And maybe I don't know you nearly as well as I should."
Dan takes a step back and shoots me a look that I'm not prepared for. He's been skeptical of me at times, other days a little weirded out, but never completely disgusted like he is right now. Dan's never looked at me like that.
Not when I told him about all the twisted, messed up things I did to myself after I lost Lacey, not when he found out how badly I treated Jersey, not when I told him how much I resented Mindy. He's always been okay with who I am--even at my worst moments. Except for this one.
"Dan, wait, I didn't mean that. The way it came out--was just--"
"When I met your mom for the first time, she was kneeling in front of a cross in a tiny four-pew hospital chapel, praying her heart out. And it wasn't your typical silent session, she was talking to God out loud--just filling that little room with a thousand prayers meant for you. She begged Him not to take you back, fought for you, and was willing to trade places with you if it meant that you'd survive the night you overdosed. She spent six hours in that room for you. And every time I'd leave and come back, I'd expect her to be gone, but she wasn't. She didn't even notice I was there until I walked up and asked her if she needed anything--food, water, something to keep her going. She said all she needed was God and her son. And I walked outta that room, totally floored by her, because I'd never seen that kind of love before."
"Okay, but what does that have to do with how you feel about her?"
"I didn't have that growing up, Elias. I know what it's like thinking things will always be a certain way, and then have that reality ripped away from you. It was a struggle for my parents to have me. But they were struggling even more in their own relationship. They thought that having a kid would be what saved their marriage--and for a while, it seemed to work. But, that changed. I had a dad who disappeared and a mom who was too depressed by him leaving to realize that she still had a son to take care of. For a long time, I thought I wasn't good enough. That something about me wasn't enough for my dad to stay. That it was somehow my fault. After living through that and all the realizations that can only follow in the aftermath, there was still some part of me that stopped believing that it was possible for anyone to love another person the right way. But then I saw Maria, this tough, beautiful, iron-willed woman, pouring her heart out for her son--and I knew I was wrong. I think I fell for her right then. And I'm sorry. I'm sorry that we waited to tell you, but your mother needed to be sure of me--and now that she is, I want you to be sure of me too."
I'm not even sure of myself. How am I supposed to be sure of you?
"How long? How long has this been going on?"
"Since after you left for LA in the summer. Your mom was in a pretty dark place when you left, and I kept seeing her around the neighborhood by herself, lost in herself. So one day, I offered to take her for coffee and we've been talking ever since."
Nobody just "talks" these days. Even if he does care about her right now, it won't last. It never does.
"Just talking?"
"We've kissed before if that's what your asking but that's it."
"Bull. You're a man, you're nearly forty, and my mom's a stunner. That-That's not possible."
I almost wanna laugh but the seriousness on Dan's face catches me off guard.
"'It is possible--especially if you're a man. You can always control yourself for someone else's sake. Besides, I didn't and still don't ever want her to think that my relationship with her is only based on what she can give me physically. She's worth a lot more than that."
And once again, Dan proves that he's basically an ideal person in the woman department and that I'm trash. Maybe the reason he hasn't been with anyone is because he's been waiting for the right one. Kind of like I was, but better.
"Damn right she is. But seriously, if this relationship thing really isn't about hooking up or whatever--then what do you want?"
"Your permission---not just to take care of your mom, but to take care of you, and your family. But it's your call. I want to keep being your therapist, I want to keep being your friend, but if you think this situation with your mom muddles the lines, then I'll walk. You were my patient first, Elias. The decision is yours."
Up until a couple minutes ago, I thought this was what I wanted. I thought that if Dan's situation with my mom could just disappear than everything would be golden. But he's different. He makes cutting him out feel like cutting off my own arm and as hard as this relationship is for me to stomach, I don't want him to leave.
When Dan showed up in my living room outta nowhere, I was on top of the world. Knowing that he was there for me and genuinely happy to see me sort of made my afternoon. My dad never did that for me. Whenever Tanner would come home from a trip or back from UCLA, my dad was over the moon-- but he never wanted me in the house.
So, seeing Dan react like that meant a lot. More than I can tell him right now. But having a friend/therapist make a surprise visit is one thing--him being a part of my family is something else entirely.
When my mom loves something or someone, they become her whole world. And Dan will (if she actually likes the guy). He'll be at every family gathering, on every Facetime call, he'll be everywhere she is because she'll want him to be. I'm just not too sure I'm ready for things to change like that yet.
Changes scare me and what scares me more than Dan not being serious about her, is him actually seeing this thing through. He's a real deal romantic--as in he'll pick one girl to love, put a ring on it, be the best husband he can be, and never look twice at another woman.
And I know that's a good thing.
A great thing even.
But if I say okay, if I let this happen--I don't think he can be my therapist anymore.
And I'm not ready to lose him yet.
"So---if I say you can date her, what happens with you and me? You can't be my therapist, right?"
"Therapists can't get involved with their patients, Elias. You're my patient, not your mom."
"But she's still my mom."
Dan smiles at me like the understanding dude that he is and it rattles me. Suddenly, I feel like I'm about to burst into tears but I do my best to hold it together.
"I know, buddy. That's why the both of us want you to tell us what you're comfortable with. If I hadn't gotten carried away earlier, your mom and I would've had this talk with you after dinner--together."
Thank God they didn't. Then I would've had another mental breakdown in front of Jersey and I'm pretty sure she's had her fill for the day.
"Wait, you want--me to decide if you and my mom can date. How is that my decision?"
"Well, it's not fully, but we want you to know that we're including you in how we move forward. That's how people build trust, Elias."
I guess my dad skipped out on that life lesson.
"I don't know--that's a lot of pressure, man."
My head's spinning. One minute I'm waltzing home to introduce my mom to my girlfriend and the next I'm standing in the middle of Dan's relationship. I don't want to be the one who decides anything--'cause as much as I respect Dan for considering me, now I'm stuck in a position I never wanted to be in.
Telling my mom and him not to be together wouldn't make me any different than my family was when it came to me and Jersey.
No one was on our side--and that nearly killed me.
So, I gotta be better than they were. I just don't know what the "best" decision is in this situation, not to mention that I'm not exactly good at making choices. LowKeyRealTalk.
"Everything okay, Elias? You're look a little peaky," Dan asks.
I snap my head in the direction of the front door and look at my reflection in the window. He's right. I look like I'm dying. Great.
"Yeah, I'm just--not too sure what to say right now. This is kind of a big deal, you know?"
"It is, and you don't have to make up your mind today, but I want you to know that no matter what you decide, that I'll always be here to take care of the both of you. I know that's not easy to believe coming from the home you did, but I wanna be in your corner if you'll let me."
I wanna say something. I wanna open my mouth and force myself to find the right way to answer him, but I can't speak. My throat's closing in on itself like it forgot how to function and my chest's about thirty seconds away from caving in.
Dan and I have said a lot to each other in the last year, but this is the first time I haven't been able to respond to him.
Nobody's stepped up to take care of my family. Nobody's ever wanted to. Not even my dad--and it was his responsibility.
But he quit.
Everyone quits.
That's what growing up in the King family taught me. So I started to believe that I couldn't depend on people and eventually, people couldn't depend on me.
Monkey see. Monkey do.
I wanna believe Dan.
I wanna trust him.
But I don't know how.
I guess I never have.
"I can handle my family, Dan. I've been taking care of my mom ever since my dad screwed things up. That's my job, it's been my job for over four years and even if I was okay with you being with my mom I wouldn't stop looking out for her just because--"
My voice breaks like a kid's.
"--just because of you."
Dan walks over to me and puts a hand on my shoulder right when I need him to. I don't know how he does it, but he always knows when I need somebody to hold me steady--when I'm pretending to be stronger than I am. I'm grateful for everything he's saying and for everything he's willing to do, but I can't bring myself to say it.
"I'm not asking you to stop doing anything, Elias. I'm offering to help. Sons can't replace fathers. Trust me, I know that better than anyone else. It isn't your responsibility to do your dad's job. You're her son and I want you to have the freedom that comes with that. You don't have to hold up the house on your own anymore."
Before I can try to talk myself out of it, I'm crying into Dan's shoulder--holding onto him just to stay on my feet.
I've been waiting nineteen years for my dad to have this conversation with me. For him to call me and tell me he's sorry, that he'll start over, and drop the life he started with a stranger and finally fix ours.
But he won't do it.
He'll never do it.
And here comes Dan outta nowhere, ready to do what my dad never could.
And I can't get my head around it, and I'm probably crazy for letting some part of myself believe that he'll step up for my family, but the truth is, for at least as long as I've known him, he's come through for me.
When Jersey was still across the country, the only person who came through for me was Dan. He was the only guy willing to carry me through one of the darkest parts of my life and because of that, some part of me believes in him.
Even though I'm scared, even though I'm too proud to admit that all this anger is probably coming from scars I've been carrying around for way too long.
And, even if I can't say it out loud, I know if there's anyone who I'd be okay with taking care of my mom, it's him.
He took care of me.
He's been taking care of me.
I'm just scared of letting her go.
"If I let you do this, not now-but eventually-you gotta swear that you won't let anything bad happen to her. She can't deal with another version of my dad, Dan, and neither can I. I know that sounds stupid, but--that's important to me. She's important to me so just--"
I stop talking before I start crying again and try to play it cool, but Dan sees straight through my bluff. He pulls me into another dad-like hug and after about ten seconds of trying my hardest to hold myself together, I lose it. Completely. But I guess crying's alright if it's over something good. And if Dan sets out to do what he says he's gonna do, this could be a really good thing. I hope.
"--just don't mess this up, okay?"
"Elias, I can't promise I'll be perfect, but whenever you're ready, I'm gonna do my best for the both of you. And Tanner too of course."
My stomach flips at the mention of his name. I don't wanna think about Tanner right now, but it's too late.
"Does he know already?" I ask.
Dan flashes me a knowing smile for the first time since we stepped outside.
"C'mon, Elias. I think I've known you long enough to understand how you feel about Tanner finding out about things before you do. Besides we haven't come to a decision yet."
I have--I just have to work up the balls to say it.
"You can stay-for dinner, I mean. Just dinner. But I need time for anything more than that. Maybe I'm a dick for asking you this, but do you guys think you could wait on this for a little while? I'm not great with changes and I gotta get used to all this. I gotta figure out if I'm actually ready and I need to talk to my-"
The front door opens and I see my mom standing there, staring at the two of us with nothing but hope and worry written in the lines of her face. I don't wanna disappoint her, or hurt her, or make her feel like I did when everybody told me that I wasn't allowed to love the girl I wanted to.
So I swallow my pride, my fear, and all of my bitterness, walk up the steps, and hold her. I cradle her in my arms the same way she did with me when I was small.
And neither of us says anything.
We don't have to.
Because when it comes to my mom, her love speaks louder than the silence.
***
(Thank you guys so much for taking the time to read/listen to this emotionally jam-packed chapter! Also thank you so much to those of you who are still here voting and commenting! We read all of them so it's wonderful hearing from you! If you're a silent reader don't be shy, say hi! We'd love to meet you guys!
On another note, if you haven't gotten a chance to listen to the audiobook I HIGHLY RECOMMEND it for this chapter because kaelking12 did an amazing job of capturing the intensity and tension between Elias and Dan! The next update should be on SUNDAY THE 26TH OF AUGUST! See you then!)
#REALTALK QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
If there was one thing you could say to Elias to make him feel better about this situation, what would it be?