NOTE: Dear Audiobook fans and new listeners, if you'd like to experience the full emotional intensity of this chapter, I cannot more highly recommend that you listen to kaelking12's phenomenal performance of this chapter! Featuring music from Paramore, Elina, Andrew Belle, Kurt Hugo Schneider/Alex G, and Fleurie!
Alex
Dear Nobody,
Sometimes miracles happen in little moments. Ones where total chaos settles into to calm, fighting turns into forgiveness, and misunderstandings mellow out to the point where they seem almost forgotten.
I watched one of those moments play out at the dinner table last night. I sat there staring at Elias, Maria, and Dan making the best of a situation that nearly tore them apart. Elias and his mom were laughing and smiling together, sometimes crying together, the way families are supposed to.
The two of them have probably needed moments like these for longer than Elias has been willing to admit-because for the first time in a while, Elias seemed whole. Like he'd found a piece of himself in Maria and Dan that he didn't know he was missing.
And I wanted to be a part of that happiness.
That joy that the three of them had as they lost themselves in bubbly Thanksgiving dinner conversation like nothing bad had happened a few hours before.
But no matter how hard I tried or how much I wanted to feel different around them--I was distant from them.
Every smile was forced.
Every laugh fake.
Feigned.
Hollow.
After a while, I got to the point of being so numb that I barely felt aware of Elias holding me. Touching me. Reassuring me that I was his.
From the outside, he looked like a dream.
A gentleman pulling out all the stops for a girl who supposedly meant everything to him.
And I went along with his charade for a while-pretending to be okay.
Pretending to be in love.
Pretending that we were the kind of people who weren't hiding terrible secrets.
I let him kiss me.
I let him lace his fingers in mine.
I let him believe that every single sweet thing he did for me last night was nothing short of beautiful.
But in the quiet moments, when reality settled in, in the moments where I'd find myself alone in a room full of people, everything beautiful about what we are-what we were-turned into something bitter.
And that bitterness turned into resentment.
Confusion.
Contention.
All because of what I read.
Because those letters-
-those letters feel like they were written for a stranger.
Maybe two.
His "somebody" elses.
And maybe this is what I deserve.
For falling in love with someone who's an even better pretender than I am.
He always has been.
From the second I stepped off that plane, he created an illusion of everything he was and of everything I am to him.
And now I don't know what's true.
I don't know if the book means anything in light of these missing letters.
Or if I ever meant anything to him at all.
I didn't even get through them all.
Before I could get to the last few, I heard Elias come barreling up the stairs and I stuffed them in my bag as quickly as I could. I almost broke right then, but the smile across his face was so real-so sincere that it offset any sort of feelings I let get to the surface. Because I hadn't seen that kind of peace and resolve in a smile of his in a long time.
So I let him keep it.
While I kept the secret of his past letters and how much the him in those conflicted with the him in front of me at the dinner table.
He seemed so happy.
I wonder if he noticed the difference between us.
The distance.
How fake I was acting.
How we talked and laughed over plates of food like nothing was wrong while I choked on a thousand what if's and maybe's.
In silence.
Because if I'm not enough now--then maybe I never was.
Maybe I've always been a Nobody to him.
Just someone's who's second to Lacey.
Second to the person-or people those letters are meant for.
Second to every other woman he's ever been involved with.
Never enough to come first.
Never enough for anyone.
Never enough to break the silence for.
But then again-maybe those are just my insecurities talking.
Maybe that's the monster in me who's always seen the worst in him.
Who still can't fully trust him.
Or maybe that's just the truth.
I don't know.
I don't know anything anymore.
I feel like I'm drowning in shallow water.
Being pulled down into a place where I should be able to stand.
But I can't.
Because I have too many doubts on my shoulders, too many questions weighing down on my head, and too much darkness chained to my feet.
Darkness that overshadowed an evening that should've been everything to me.
I sat there in the middle of a beautiful holiday meal like an outsider staring in the window of other people's lives.
It's a strange feeling, witnessing other people's happiness but not being able to be a part of it.
I tried to be. I kept up the act even after Elias and I finished the meal and sat down to watch his favorite film with him and his family.
I "laughed" through the jokes. Snuggled up next to him during romantic moments. And once the credits rolled I hugged Maria and Dan goodnight like it had been one of the best in my life.
I thanked them for having me and let Elias lead me upstairs to bed.
And once we were alone, I let myself do something I shouldn't have-just because I thought it would fix us.
I let him take off my clothes, I let him believe that I was finally okay enough for him to make love to me for the first time since the night we got back together.
I let myself think that being skin to skin with him would fill the emptiness in me.
The insecurities.
The unanswered questions.
The holes.
But it didn't.
It made me sick.
And sad.
And ashamed to the point where I've barely been able to look at him since we left for the airport earlier this morning.
Now we're strapped next to each other for the entirety of this hour and twenty-five minute flight with nowhere left to run.
Elias knows me too well to not have noticed how I'm fraying at the edges.
How I'm being the me I want him to see, instead of being myself.
But he's not buying it anymore.
I can tell from the way he's looking at me.
From the way he's holding me.
Kissing me.
Checking in.
On any other day, I'd keep on pretending.
But I can't anymore.
I can't because it's killing me.
I can't because I made a promise to be honest with him.
And, today, I will be.
Even if it tears us apart.
Nobody,
What would you do?
If telling the truth would be the end of you?
-Alex
***
Alex
There's this truth. Everyone talks about.
They say the truth will set you free. But I've been running away from it for a long time. Because what good is freedom if all it will do is leave you in pieces?
Which is why I pretend. Usually.
But eventually, you can't anymore.
About fifteen minutes outside of LA, I finally decide to stop pretending.
To stop lying.
To stop hiding everything I've been wanting to say.
Because everything we are and everything we will or won't be comes down to a choice.
Between suffering in silence or finally letting the truth slip.
And I don't know why it happens the way it happens.
Or why it happens when it happens.
But Elias turns to me for the seventeenth time since take-off and asks if I'm okay.
When he knows I'm not.
But instead of nodding and smiling like I always do, I snap.
Suddenly all of my insecurities seep out of their hiding places, slip into my bloodstream, and spill out onto every inch of my skin to the point where I can't stand Elias's touch. His closeness. Not the soft pressure of his head resting on my shoulder, not the light graze of his hand, nothing.
I pull away from him abruptly--like he's a stranger to me and he stares at me confused.
Like he's struggling to understand my response.
Struggling to understand me.
But he should.
He should know exactly why I am not and will not be okay.
Because he wrote my chaos into existence and those words have been haunting me since I read them.
And I can't keep silent.
I can't keep lying to myself or him.
So I take off my mask, and tell him the truth.
A terrified syllable at a time.
"I guess it depends on what you mean by okay, Elias."
Elias shifts in his seat until we're both face to face. He reaches over and brushes his hand along the side of my cheek, and he's so gentle it stings.
"I don't know, It's just-ever since last night you--you've been acting-"
"Different."
"More than that. Something's off, but I don't know what's going on with you?"
"Are you sure you want to?"
"Trust me, I want to. Just talk to me. Cause if there's something wrong-especially if it's something I did, I can fix it. I'll do whatever you want me to-just say the word," he says.
I stare up into his wide green eyes and find nothing but kindness in them. Nothing but genuine concern for me and all my broken pieces. And for a split second, not a single part of that moment feels false or forced. I see so much of the boy I fell in love with-the one whose tailor-made tenderness still takes me by surprise. But then the memory of his words whisper themselves back into to front of my mind and rack reality right back into focus. Whether I'm ready for it or not.
"I want you to answer something for me," I say.
The quiet confidence that was painted across Elias's face just seconds before dissolves into something a little bit like fear and a lot like guilt.
I wonder if he knows.
If he went through his drawers before I woke up this morning and found his letters missing. Or maybe he has more to hide than a few hidden words scrawled out on a page.
I don't know anymore.
I don't know him anymore.
Maybe I never did.
"Sure, what do you wanna know?"
Why have you been lying to me?
"Who did you write these for?"
I reach under the seat, into my purse, and pull out the stack of letters that ruined the last few months within the span of a few short pages.
And the sight of them leaves Elias speechless.
Lost for words for the first time since he wrote that book.
The famous Letters to Jersey.
Nothing else but a collection of deluded lies.
And instead of defending himself, instead of speaking up to deny what he said or explain what he's done.
He doesn't say anything.
Nothing.
And just like that.
The silent monster that's existed between us since Belmar comes roaring out into the open.
I sit there in silence and watch my words ruin everything.
Every good moment over the last few months.
Everything good about us.
Gone.
Elias stares at me completely lost. His eyes wild, broken, and suddenly flooded with tears.
And I know.
I know that every insecurity I had-was justified.
And finding out that truth through something as simple as his expression sets my blood on fire.
My lungs fill with smoke and I choke on the ashes of everything he's saying in the silence.
Everything he's done.
Everything I've read.
All the hurt, confusion, and chaos that's been hanging over our heads since last night comes crashing down on our shoulders.
Because of a single secret that I shouldn't have found.
But I did.
And now I can't take it back.
But then again, I shouldn't even want to.
Because every letter he wrote to Jersey-is a lie.
"Where--where did you get those?" He stammers.
Elias's voice sounds like someone else's. Someone so much smaller and more afraid that I hardly believe that it's his own.
Bitterness molds my mouth into the kind of smirk I immediately regret as soon as it reaches my lips. This isn't me. I don't even feel like myself anymore. Just a passenger watching all of my darkness and doubts take control.
"That's what you wanna ask me? That's what you have to say after writing something like this and finding out that I read everything---you wanna know where I found it? Who are these about Elias? Who did you write these for? Because the girl you're gushing about for fifteen pages--isn't me. Was any of this ever about me? Are these still about Lacey? Is this entire relationship still about you and her because I can't keep competing with a ghost!"
"I thought we were past that."
"Are we? Are you?"
Elias rears back away from me and stares at me completely appalled-- and I almost cave. I almost apologize for everything I've said and accused him of--but only almost. I can't drop this now. Neither of us can--because those letters put us here.
The past put us here.
I put us here.
And we're too far gone to go back to the illusion of who we were before this morning.
Elias takes a second to breathe, or at least he tries to, but his breath sounds like it's running a million miles away from him. Something in the pit of my stomach shifts and a dull ache settles in.
An ache that forcibly reminds me that we are irrevocably connected, that part of his pain is mine, and that I am fully responsible for it.
The old me would've run a hand along his back until the panic let go of his lungs and eventually left his body. But I can't bring myself to touch him. Or comfort him. Or believe in him anymore.
And given the look on his face. The feeling's mutual.
"Why would you ask me that when you already know the answer, Jersey?! What is it gonna take for you to believe me when I say that things between me and her are over? It's been over. She's gone, I let her go because of you!"
"Doesn't that just make me her replacement?"
"No."
"Bullshit, Elias."
Elias reaches over, takes my hands in his, and pulls me so close to him that I feel the heat from his breath on my skin.
"I said, no."
He says it and so much of me wants to believe it, so much of me wants to accept his words as truth, but I can't. Or maybe I don't want to--because if I do, if I accept that these aren't about Lacey, then I'm accepting that there's someone else. Someone important enough for him to write letters for, to change for, to hide from me, to protect.
Someone he promised everything to.
And I deserve to know.
Even though knowing might be worse than not.
"Then who are these letters for, Elias? Who's the person--the people you keep talking about?"
I ask the question so quietly it breaks on my lips--lips that are so temptingly close to his I can hardly stand being in his atmosphere without giving into our old habits. We're so used to using each other. Using our mouths to melt away our pain. Finding ourselves in each other so we'd feel a little less lost in our loneliness.
We built our relationship on secrets, lies, and desperation and now we're trapped inside the walls we created.
Elias opens his mouth to answer me, but the ping of the seatbelt sign flickering on stops the words in his throat.
He glances up towards a passing stewardess who signals him to separate himself from me and strap himself into his seat. He disregards her completely and re-focuses his eyes on mine.
"She's not--they're not who you think they are. Everything you read--everything I wrote about--it isn't--important anymore."
"Then why did you hide them from me?"
Elias's entire face turns white.
"They weren't yours to find. You shouldn't have even been going through my stuff."
His words come out sharp and pointed like a thousand pins and needles, but he's right. Words hurt the most when you can't deny that their true.
"I know, and I'm sorry, but you have a lot more to answer for than I do, Elias. This isn't about me going through your things, this is about you and me!"
"Don't you think I know that? What do you want me to say? That I'm sorry that I wrote them because I'm not. They're about you!"
Liar.
"They're not just about me."
"Please, don't do this. Please just forget that I ever wrote any of those and just exist with me right now. I know how this looks. I know what you probably think of me, but I promise to God that the people in those letters don't matter now. They're--not. That's not my situation anymore--you are. You're my everyday. You're the only thing that matters to me now so please just--"
Elias tightens his grip around my hands just enough for me to feel how badly he's shaking.
"--promise me that you won't leave if I tell you. Please, just-promise me that you'll stay."
I should answer him but I don't. I don't say anything at all. I sit there paralyzed by everything that he might say as the plane touches down on the LA tarmac. The second we hit the ground the inside of the cabin rumbles to life. The roar of the wings drown out the sound of everything in chaos. The whole plane's shaking, but I barely feel it. I barely feel anything at all. Just tears slipping down my cheeks in silence.
Our flight eases to a stop, and as soon as the captain allows it, I stand up out of my seat and head for the exit. Elias comes stumbling after me, but the closer he gets, the more I want to run. I could do it. Just dig my heels into the gate carpet and sprint until all of this is behind me.
Out of sight, but not quite out of mind.
I could disappear and never get the answer I've asked him for. I'd never have to hear her name, or picture her face. She could be a ghost. A mystery girl who'd eventually disappear out of my thoughts along with Elias.
I tighten my grip on my bag and pick up my pace, but Elias stops me dead before I get too distant. He throws his arms around my waist and catches me in his arms so I can't escape. So I can't outrun him or the truth.
"Promise me, Jersey."
I fight my my way out of his grip and shove him off of me just to put some necessary distance between the both of us.
"I'm not promising you anything until you answer me."
Elias sinks down to his knees in the middle of the now empty walkway, presses his head into my t-shirt, and completely falls apart.
Sobs rock through his body in violent, unforgiving waves and the sight of it leaves me helpless and hopeless all at once.
His sadness slips underneath my skin and starts the slow burn of tears in the corners of my eyes. But I don't have it in me to cry anymore. I barely have it in me to keep standing.
"Jersey, I promise you that I never wanted anything to do with her and I never meant for anything to happen with her, but it did. At least we thought something did, and I should've told you, but I couldn't. I didn't know how to tell you about either of them but that whole situation was a mistake. All of it was a mistake, especially her because she--she wasn't even mine," he says, and every word comes out so broken and jagged that the sound of them tears open my old scars.
My whole body starts shaking because I can't believe what he's saying or that we're having this conversation at all.
There was someone else. More than one.
Maybe there always has been.
And here I am back in the same place where he left me at Belmar, caving in on myself because of a boy I shouldn't have fallen for.
My lungs freeze up in my chest but I force myself to breathe in just enough air to say what I need to.
"Who?"
Elias looks up at me and I brace myself for him-like I always do.
"The girl I thought was my-"
"Excuse me, sir, ma'am, I apologize for interrupting but you wouldn't happen to be Alex Summers and Elias King, would you?"
The both of us wipe the tear stains off our faces and turn to face a security guard standing a few feet down the hallway from us. Elias scrambles to his feet and steps in front of me so a total stranger won't see me collapsing into myself.
I don't know why he protects me, why he still puts himself between me and the world after everything he's done. But he stands there regardless, letting someone else judge him for his sadness so they won't judge mine.
"This-really isn't a good time. Can you give us a second?"
"I'm sorry, sir but I can't allow you to stay in the gate. We've got passengers waiting to board the next flight and you've got someone asking for you at the terminal."
"Who?"
"Follow me, please."
Before either of us are able to collect ourselves enough to figure out what's going on, the security guard starts ushering us out of the gate and into the main section of the airport. Elias quickly reaches into his backpack and hands me my sunglasses before slipping into his own.
I almost thank him for understanding-for knowing how much I hate the world watching me at my worst moments, but I don't say anything.
We're not those people anymore.
I'm not that girl anymore.
I'm just a person waiting on a name.
The name that'll ruin whatever's left of our relationship.
It's just a matter of steps until everything's over.
And I'm still-
I'm still dragging my feet.
Once he notices me trailing, Elias slows down, places his hand on my lower back, and keeps me in step with him.
I don't know how a person says so much with his hands, but I hear so much of his sadness speaking through his fingertips.
The guard hurries us through the automatic doors and up the long walkway leading out to the arrival pick-up area. A couple steps short of us coming into view of the usual hoards of expectant families and friends waiting to greet their loved ones, Elias stops the security man dead in his tracks.
"I'm sorry to keep holding you up, but who did you say was asking for us again?"
"Them."
The guard points up the long slope of the walk way and my heart bottoms out of my chest and goes crashing onto the floor.
Because a handful steps aren't the only thing standing between me, Elias, and the truth anymore.
***
(Thank you guys so much for reading/listen! kaelking12 did a knockout job of nailing the emotional stakes in this chapter's audiobook recording so I hope you guys had a chance to listen! The both of us had a great time collaborating on this chapter and wanted to bring this situation to life in a way that would make it feel real, raw, and relatable. We can't wait to share the next and super intense chapter on SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 9TH! We need a bit of time to finish writing/polishing this next chapter and we don't want to rush it for Wednesday because we're getting into the most emotionally intense part of the book! Hope you guys don't mind waiting & thank you for your patience!)
#REALTALK QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
1. Who do you guys think is waiting for Elias and Jersey at the Terminal?
2. Do you think Elias and Jersey can survive this situation, especially since the secret hasn't even entirely come out yet/Jersey doesn't fully know who Elias was talking about in the Secret Letters?
What do you think her reaction will be if/when she finds out?
What would yours be?