NOTE: Calling all audiobook listeners old & new! Make sure to tune into the audiobook performance this week by the awesome kaelking12 ! This chapter is intense & we don't want you to miss it in the audio! Enjoy!
Elias
My brother's here.
My brother's--here.
And I wish I was hallucinating.
But I'm not.
He's standing a couple feet away from me waving and smiling like nothing's wrong with this picture.
Like we haven't spent the last couple of months in total radio silence, hating each other from a distance.
But I guess, reality doesn't matter to him anymore.
Either way, I can't deal with him right now.
Or Caleigh.
Or anything or anyone else but Jersey because everything's jacked.
And I can't fix it this time--'cause once I tell her the truth about Mindy and her daughter, she's gonna leave me. She's already leaving me. She can't even look at me.
Instead, God's put me face to face with every single mistake I've ever made, and every single person I've ever hurt, and this is how I pay for it.
I shift my focus off Jersey and stand there staring at Tanner and Caleigh with no idea what to do. Or what to say. Or how to pretend that things are fine between me and Jersey, when everything's backwards.
But then again, Tanner and Caleigh would probably want things to be like this. They've always wanted our relationship to fall apart just to prove a point. My brother's been waiting on the day to finally tell me that he was right all along--and here we are. Everything came crashing down exactly like he said it would.
Maybe I should've listened to him.
Maybe when he warned me to stay away from Jersey I should've taken the hint and walked because now it doesn't matter how much I love her because of how the truth will leave her.
It doesn't matter how I found her 'cause I can't keep her.
Not after this.
"Eli! Get over here!"
Tanner barks at me from a distance like some cracked out Chihuahua, and it takes saintly-level-restraint not to take Jersey by the hand and breeze past him like he's not even there.
But there's no other way out of here but through him. I just have to figure out how to keep it together long enough for him and Caleigh to say their piece and leave us alone.
I motion to Jersey to follow me and the two of us make our way over to Tanner who pulls me into an awkward hug as soon as I reach him. Jersey keeps her distance from Caleigh. There's nothing but silence and unspoken resentment standing between the two of them, but at least they're being honest.
My brother's acting like he's lost his mind.
He throws his arms around me bear-hug style but I don't return the gesture. I just stand there and wait for him to let me go.
Nobody else in the room is on board with this situation but him. Not Caleigh. Not Jersey. Not me.
"Surprise!" He yells.
I take two steps away from him, so he doesn't even have the chance to gauge what's wrong.
"Why are you here?" I ask.
"I'll explain in the Uber! Let me take your stuff! We're going to my place for dinner."
"No, we're not. Who told you we were coming?"
The ten cent smile on Tanner's face fades a little. Good. At least, now he's being less fake and a lot more like the guy I know him to be.
"Mom called. She said you had something important to tell me and that we should catch up over a belated brotherly Thanksgiving make-up dinner, so here I am."
I tilt my Ray Bans down and look at him from behind my sunglasses .
"That's just mom being mom. I never said that."
"C'mon, E. You don't have to be shy about it. I know your pride's important to you but mom told me you wanted to patch things up between us and--"
"No I didn't and even if I did, this isn't a good time, Tanner."
"It's a holiday, man. Besides, I'm tired of this whole wall of silence we've got going on. The four of us could start over. Just sit down hash out a couple things and move on. The past is the past, am I right?!"
I take Tanner by the shoulders and grip him hard enough for him to hear me.
"Not now. I need to get home. Jersey and I have things we-need to take care of. See you around."
I try to brush by Tanner but he snakes his hand around my wrist to stop me.
"Look, I know you're still pissed at me for what I said and how I acted towards you and--I owe you an apology. Mom said she had a really good time with you two, and spent an hour on the phone gushing to me about how she loves you guys together. And I came here cause--I want you to know that if she's behind you, I am too. I'm sorry for what I said to you-and for what I did. We're family. Let's try to act like one, at least for today."
I open my mouth to shut him down and walk out of the airport, but before I can get a word out, Jersey steps between the two of us and answers for me.
"We'll go."
I snap my head in Jersey's direction and take off my shades to make sure I'm still seeing straight.
"What do you mean, we'll go? I still need to talk to you, Jersey, why would you want to go when we haven't even finished our conversation."
She takes me by the arm and keeps walking until we're safely out of earshot.
"Oh, we're going to. But this conversation doesn't just involve you and me, does it?"
My stomach balls up like a fist.
"No."
"Do they know?"
"Can't we just talk about this one on one? Please, I---"
She lifts up her hand to stop me.
"You know what? Never mind. I'll find out. Maybe in the car. Maybe later tonight, but from what it sounds like--you're not the only one who's been hiding things, Elias. Are you?"
I don't answer her. But I guess my silence says enough for her to cut through the quiet.
"I'll see you outside."
She throws her words like a prize fighter throws punches and all I can do is stand there and take it. It doesn't matter what I say to her now. It doesn't matter what anyone says because once she finds out that the three of us hid this situation with Mindy from her, she'll be done.
Maybe she already is.
Jersey turns back towards Caleigh and the two of them awkwardly go walking off together toward the airport exit. Tanner hangs back for a few seconds and when I don't make a move to join up with him, he cautiously makes his way over to me.
"You coming slow poke or am I gonna have to leave you here?"
"I'm coming, just give me a second. I'll catch up."
"There's no time. The Uber's here. I was even nice enough to ask the driver to pass by UCLA first so you guys could drop off your stuff."
"I said I needed a second, Tanner."
"Look, you can be as slow and lazy as you want once we get back to the-dude, are you okay? What's wrong with your eyes?"
Instead of disappearing like I want him to, Tanner leans in closer to me to get a better look at my face. He makes a move to take off my Ray Bans and I slap his hand away.
"I smoked a blunt before I got on the flight to calm me down, alright. Anything else you wanna know, Officer?"
Tanner's face twists up like a pretzel. There it is, that tell-tale look of complete and total disapproval. Not what I need right now.
"Eli, you know you can't afford to get caught up in that stuff again. Even if it's legal now, it's not a good--"
"If I told you I was crying would it make you feel better? One truth, one lie, you figure it out."
I shove my backpack in his direction and take off after Jersey and Caleigh before he slaps me with a hundred thousand questions. Even if I told him what was wrong, he wouldn't get it. His relationship is perfect. For some reason, Tanner's been blessed enough to have one of those lives where nothing bad happens to him. Ever.
He aced everything in high school, snagged the title of class president, landed a full ride to UCLA, and got the girl. He still has his girl.
Meanwhile, I can't seem to figure out how to get mine to stay. Lacey died and my mistakes are killing Jersey, so I'm back at square one.
Back to being Elias King, the guy who loses everything.
And I wish I could blame somebody else. A couple years ago, I would've. I would've made this situation my dad's fault, or my mom's fault, or Tanner's fault. I would've pointed the finger at anyone else but me.
But I've grown up enough to understand everything that's happened was the result of something I did or didn't do. That's why growing up sucks. All it does is make you realize just how capable of screwing up you are. And how badly you can screw up other people.
Especially the ones you care about.
***
"So, you guys are not gonna believe what happened to me and Caleigh on the way here! I was cruising on the 405 and suddenly this huge shredded tire comes flying out of nowhere and--"
I tune out my brother about thirty seconds after stepping into the back of the van he hired to drive us back to UCLA. Jersey's sitting in the backseat next to an uncomfortably quiet Caleigh, while I'm stuck sitting across from Tanner in the two-seater in front of her. As thrilled as I am to hear his whole story about how the bottom of his car got ruined, I can't focus on a single thing he's saying right now.
I keep staring at Jersey through the rearview, hoping to catch her eye--but I can't. Her attention's directed out the back window and completely away from me. If things keep going like this, I don't know how I'm gonna make it through dinner. It's barely and I'm already sweating through my clothes just thinking about how I'm gonna tell her what I need to.
But maybe things are worse in my head than they will be when I talk to her. If she finds out that Mindy's kid wasn't mine, then none of it matters. Mindy and I made a mistake but that's in the past--and so is Kai. We both got in and out of relationships we didn't want, but now we're back to where we wanna be. Maybe if I frame it like that, she won't be as upset.
Maybe she'll stay.
We just need to talk it out. God help me.
I relax a little for the first time all morning and take off my shades and check my eyes in the rearview to see if I look as wrecked as I feel.
The driver catches my gaze in the rearview and holds it just long enough to weird me out. His face is hidden behind a pair of oversized sunglasses, but I don't waste too much time focusing on a stranger when the girl closest to me is starting to feel like one. I turn around to face Jersey and see her staring at the back of Tanner's head as he blabbers on about his car.
"You know what's funny about you, Tanner?"
Jersey pipes up out of nowhere, but the tone in her voice puts me on edge. Tanner turns around and smiles at her like the pompous idiot that he is and waits for her to give him the attention he so desperately wants.
He can't even read the tension in the air, but then again, he's never been able to.
"Lots of stuff, obviously. I mean I'm a pretty funny guy, but what did you have in mind?"
Jersey sits up in her seat, folds her hands across her lap, and stares him down like a cold, hard politician.
"You tell so many stories, but there's one you've never told that I'd love to hear."
My blood pressure spikes but Tanner doesn't notice. He's too busy basking in his BS storyteller status to realize what's going on.
"Jersey, don't. Please. This isn't the time to talk about this."
"It's the perfect time to talk about this. We're all here, so why not?"
"Because I---"
Jersey eyes me like a sharpshooter and I almost swallow my words.
"--I don't want you to find out this way."
"Find out what, Elias?"
Tanner clears his throat and for the first time in my life I'm genuinely grateful that he's interrupting.
"I'm sorry to be the village idiot, but what are we talking about? I feel like I missed something," he says.
"Apparently, I have too. I was actually hoping that maybe you and Caleigh could fill me in."
Tanner blinks a good forty-two times before he finds it in himself to respond to her.
"On--what exactly?"
"Everything I--everything I missed."
Tanner clicks off his seatbelt, climbs into the back, and wedges himself in between Jersey and Caleigh like a clueless, oversized dog. He throws his arms around the both of them and gives his girlfriend a quick peck on the lips before pulling Jersey into a completely ridiculous big brother hug. What--the hell?
"Alex, I know the last couple months have been hard because things haven't been good between the four of us, and I'm sorry. We both are and we wanna start over with you two so nobody misses out on anything anymore," Tanner blabs.
Jersey doesn't say anything back. She doesn't move to hug him back. She just sits there while he acts like he can't see her falling apart. Like he can't hear what she's really saying. I don't know what's wrong with him or why he thinks that solving this situation is as simple as an apology when he's the one who created it.
The only reason I left her on the beach that day was because I listened to him. I shouldn't have listened, but I did, because he's Tanner. He's the guy with all the damn answers, the one who's never wrong, the one who spends so much time being perfect that he can't see his own flaws.
He forced me into the worst decision of my life but he never had to live with it.
Or live through it.
But Jersey did.
She's spent over 365 days dealing with a decision that wasn't mine or hers and he can't even see the damage he's done.
The damage we've done.
But then again, he never has. That's who he is. He ignored how messed up I was after I lost Lacey, he brushed off how badly I needed Jersey in rehab, he just--checks out. Only sees what he wants to see and hears what he wants to hear. But he can't do that anymore. Especially right now.
Jersey reaches over and takes his hand off her shoulder which catches Tanner and Caleigh off guard. I'm holding my breath watching her 'cause if she says what I think she's gonna say then the whole situation's about to cave in on the four of us an ugly truth at a time.
"Tanner, when I said everything I missed--I meant everything I missed after Elias left last summer. You remember that, right? You were trying to get a hold of him one minute, and he was gone the next."
Tanner's ignorant toddler smile falls right off his face and lands somewhere on the floor. I wait for him to perk up and pull out some typical Tanner BS statement to jailbreak him out of this situation, but he's totally silent. The only sound in the car is the small gasp Caleigh lets out as reality sets in.
I've only ever seen her cry once, and I don't like the memory. The day she finally showed up to visit me after I overdosed, she cried at my bedside for an hour straight. I wanted to know why she hadn't called me or talked to me since I was admitted, but she could hardly speak. She just kept saying she was sorry over and over before she finally gave me Jersey's journal.
I told her I forgave her then.
But looking at things now, I'm not sure I should've.
Jersey takes off her sunglasses, looks right at Caleigh, and brings her to the edge of tears before she even says a word.
"Alex, back then, Tanner and I, we weren't in a position to explain what happened that day. We wanted to--I wanted to but--"
"You didn't want to tell me anything, Caleigh! I needed you. I called you for weeks, left voicemail after voicemail because you were the only person I trusted to be there for me and you weren't! You promised me after everything that happened with Rory that I could always come to you, and you threw that right back in my face when I--"
For a split second, I almost think Jersey's run out of words. I almost think she's brought herself to the point where she can't keep going anymore. But then I realize why she's stopped talking. The car's stopped moving. The click and rattle of the keys coming out of the ignition along with the familiar rasp of the driver's voice steals my attention away from the only girl who deserves it.
"Sorry to cut into the conversation but we're at the first stop. UCLA Canyon Point, right?"
I whip around, half-pissed at the fact that this guy can't take a hint, and do my best not to fly off the handle at him.
"Great, thanks. Actually, we're kind of in the middle of something important so--"
I fish my wallet out of my back pocket without even looking at the dude, grab fifty bucks, and shove it in his general direction.
"--if you wouldn't mind leaving us here and taking a walk for twenty-minutes, that'd be--"
"Elias?"
I take my eyes off the wad of cash I'm about to waste and look the driver straight in the face for the first time since we got in the car.
And I almost don't recognize it.
I almost don't recognize him.
Not behind a fully grown beard and under a Dodger's cap.
Not after spending months trying my best to forget.
His eyes.
His nose.
The shape of his mouth.
The same shape as hers.
Toffee-colored skin.
The same as hers.
Everything that's his was hers.
Is hers.
Not mine. Not anymore. Not ever.
"Man, I thought it was you and Tanner but I didn't wanna ask until I was sure."
I don't answer him. The muscles in my mouth won't move, so the only move I make is to turn away from him. I look back towards Tanner while panic cuts me down till I feel like a child--nothing else but a boy begging his older brother to save him from the silence. But he can't. Tanner's face is as colorless as mine. Caleigh's head is buried in her hands. And then there's Jersey.
Sitting there staring my worst kept secret in the face.
"Eli? It is you, right? You look all grown up, man! How've you been? Me and Mindy have been meaning to reach out but we couldn't get a hold of you. Did you change your number? I understand if you did. We pulled you into a mess and--"
"Darius, I can't--I can't talk right now. I'm sorry. I'm with my family, and my girlfriend--so--"
Darius stands up on his tip-toes and glances around the backseat until his eyes find Jersey. He shoots her a wave and a smile. She doesn't return it.
"That's wonderful. Congratulations, man, and Happy Thanksgiving to the both of you! Look, I don't wanna keep you from your day but I just wanted to let you know--well, me and Mindy wanted to let you know that we honestly can't thank you enough for everything you did for us. You sacrificed a lot for our family and we haven't forgotten that. We've been praying a lot about it and hoping that you'll find it in your heart to forgive us. Our daughter is happy and healthy and everyday we see that, we know that a part of that happiness is because of you--"
"Darius, stop--"
"Please, just let me say this before you go. If you'd actually turned out to be her father, you would've been her hero."
And just like that, Jersey's gone.
I hear her go before I see it.
The van door opposite of where I'm standing slams shut seconds after the truth leaks into the open.
By the time I realize what's happening, she's already halfway across the Sunset Village plaza, running back towards our dorm and away from me.
Next thing I know, I'm chasing after her blindly. Adrenaline's tearing through my body as I push through the waves of students walking back to their dorms. My lungs can't take in enough air to keep up with the rest of my body, but I don't stop to breathe. I keep moving. Keep pushing myself forward while my relationship rolls out in reverse. Everything's going backwards. From good, to bad, to terrible. Flicker and fade.
Love and lose.
Everything.
Everyone.
Over and over again.
I shut my eyes to shut out the memory of the last time this happened.
On a night without stars when my mistakes tore something beautiful right out of this world.
And here I am.
Again.
Scrambling for air, stumbling around on my feet, trying to catch my second chance before it shatters.
I force myself out of the past, out of my head, and back into the present. Light floods my eyes way too fast and I crash into something.
Someone.
Someone who's trying to stop me when I should be moving.
"Easy, Elias! You've gotta slow down before you hurt yourself or someone else!"
Of all the people I could've run into, it had to be him. Kai the douchebag's holding me up by the shoulders and I don't even know how I should react. I don't want him touching me--ever--but I barely have it in me to keep standing. I put all my energy into shrugging him off and once we break contact he gives me a one over. He doesn't have to say anything for me to know how hard he's probably judging me right now. All I can say is, if he keeps staring at me with that stuck-up grimace on his face, I'll rearrange it. Real talk.
"Move. Now," I say.
I step to his left to pass him but he blocks me grabbing my shirt to keep me from running. Strike two.
"Not until you at least tell me where you're going."
Like it's any of his fucking business.
"I said move. This has nothing to do with you."
I shove him off me, but it doesn't shake him. He squares up and stares me down like he's some kind of hero.
"Please tell me whatever mess this is doesn't involve Alex, Elias. She's been through enough."
I don't know why I do it, but instead of opening my mouth and telling him to go screw himself like I want to, I tell him the truth.
"Of course it does, Kai! Everything involves her! I love that girl. I love her and I screwed everything up because of Mindy and the baby. Not that you care because this is what you wanted, right? This is what everyone wanted, and now it's happening. Congratulations."
I see Jersey running off, the distance between us growing with every step she takes, so I yell out to her hoping she'll hear me enough to stop.
"Jersey, please, just talk to me! We need to! About everything! About Mindy! And the baby!"
Kai's whole face falls as soon as I stop speaking. He's looked at me a lot of ways over the last couple years, but never like this. Something like disgust, sickness and sadness twists his entire face out of shape--and as much as I want to understand his reaction. I don't. I don't understand anything anymore.
"So, she told you?" He stammers unclutching my shirt from his grip.
"Told me about what?"
"About the baby?"
"Wait! Mindy's?"
Kai pulls in a slow breath and I count the seconds just waiting for him to speak. And when he does. Time stops.
"No. Yours."
***
(Thank you guys so much for reading and listening! We're sorry to leave you on such a crazy cliffhanger but...would this be FHKH if we didn't?! Next update is on Wednesday SEPTEMBER 12TH THE DAY AFTER MY BIRTHDAY (SEPTEMBER 11TH)!
In celebration of my birthday coming up on Tuesday, I want to do a...
500 COMMENT CHALLENGE!
How it works: If this chapter hits 500 comments (and it can be emoji's, genuine comments, reactions, responses, tagging friends to come read, etc.) I will follow every single person who comments & CHOOSE 3 people's stories to promote! You guys think we can do it?!
Ready, steady, go!
***
#REALTALK QUESTION OF THE WEEK:
1. Did any of you guys know/predict that this was the secret Jersey was hiding?
2. Do you think it was worse for Jersey finding out about Mindy & the baby from a 3rd party (Darius)?
OR
Do you think it would've been worse if Elias had told her about the baby himself?
How would you prefer to find out?